This is my favorite American Idol audition of all TIME!
My recap of last night’s Atlanta auditions is over here.
This is my favorite American Idol audition of all TIME!
My recap of last night’s Atlanta auditions is over here.
My post on last night’s opening festivities is up over at Snark Raving Mad(!).
Ok, so I have to give you my notes on this extravaganza as I watch it off the DVR, because from song #1, I can tell you it’s going to tip the crazy scales hard.
Alright. Opening number is “Cowboy Cassanova.” The dancers with her–are they supposed to be vampires or Adam Lamberts? Also, the leather getup she’s wearing? I want to make some kind of crack about it, but I can’t come up with one, and I also recognize that I only want to bag on the outfit because I could never pull it off, and she pulls it off so well. I’d hate her if she wasn’t so awesomely awesome.
I LOVE all the Idol guest stars in the bit at the beginning.
Wouldn’t it be cool if Carrie & David Cook got married and had lovely little talented children?
I’m once again obligated to mention David’s hair. No need to say anything specific about it–it just always merits a mention.
You know I have to comment on the bit w/ Carson Kressley and Carrie’s sister, right? Because Carson says, “Do you know if these [muffins] are gluten-free? I haven’t had a carb since ’78, and I’m a little scared.” Ahem. Gluten-free grains still have carbs. Duh. #glutenfreenerd
I love that Carrie named her dog Ace. “Before He Tweets”! Ha! (Note to self: Write and record this song.) I also like that he seems to be a trained yapper dog. Usually when they’re that small, they’re vicious and loud.
I’m totally in love with Carrie’s mom.
I have a very low tolerance for songs about mama or daddy, songs about death, and songs about people’s kids. But since “Mama’s Song” is more about the guy than about the mom, and since the verse about death in “Temporary Home” is more about looking forward to heaven than the dying part, I give Carrie a pass. That said, “Temporary Home” and “Change” are my least favorite songs on the new album. Which is her best yet, btw.
I love the skit and song medley w/ Kristin Chenoweth and Christina Applegate. They’re all precious. Except that it went on way too long. I had to pause twice to go pee.
I liked this from the Jack Nicholson impersonator sketch: “If I wasn’t famous, I would totally date you.”
“Louisiana Woman, Mississippi Man” w/ Brad Paisley: Love.
“Songs Like This.” Ok, uhmmmmm. What’s with the dancing boys?
I like “What Can I Say” but if she doesn’t do my favorite off the new album tonight, I’m gonna cry. (That would be “Undo It.”)
Look at Dolly, she’s so cute. I like how she wore bicycle pants.
Oh, I think it’s worth noting that I’m an hour and a half in, and I have yet to see any “holiday” in this special.
I love how Carrie’s Holiday Special is all about gays and prostitution. Nothing says “baby Jesus” like gay stereotypes and whores!
For the record, I would LOOOOOVE to have Kristin Chenoweth singing with Dolly & Carrie. I’m hoping she busts in during the Carrie/Dolly duet to “help out.” And how much did Carrie pee in her pants when Dolly said, “You’re one of my favorites”? Also, I hope Dolly was serious about Kristin Chenoweth playing her in the movie. That would rock.
I’m now 1:45 into the show. Still no Christmas music! Oh wait. Carrie says there are a few holiday songs coming up for us. And the first one is… “Jesus Take the Wheel”? Ok, true story. I was driving home from taking Cadet Happy to the airport when we still lived in Florida. I was on I-95 in heavy traffic, about half a mile from my exit for Palm Bay. I was going to call CH to make sure he and his daughter got to their gate on time and all that, and I looked down at my phone to scroll for his number (bad!). When I looked back up, I was about two feet from slamming into the back of a dump truck. So I hit the brakes, swerved, etc. Pinky went into a spin. Girl just started doing 360s right there on I-95. And I let go of the wheel and had one of my cheesiest moments to date: “Jesus Take the Wheel” started playing in my head right when I let go of the wheel and took my foot off gas & brakes. I couldn’t stop it, or I would have because of said cheese factor. I’d have chosen something more like “The Final Countdown.” Anyway, when the car stopped, I was facing two lanes of traffic. A huge black semi was in one lane, and a big Suburban was in the other, and I was splitting the D. And they were still coming and not far off from me. I yanked the wheel and hit the gas to drive off to the side of the road. Shook, cried, hugged the driver of the Suburban, said hi to a cop, all that. My point is that “Jesus Take the Wheel” is an emergency freak-out song, not a dashing-through-the-snow song.
My favorite Christmas song, “O Holy Night,” sung by Carrie Underwood. This is at least as awesome as knowing that we’re getting a Hobby Lobby in Boise soon. And *that* knowledge had me gasping and cooing for a good five minutes.
She didn’t do “Undo It.” As promised, I’m crying. Console me. Preferably with Coke and chili chocolate.
I’ll be here:
mourning this news:
and writing nasty letters to this:
As I do every Tuesday night and Wednesday night. Last night’s Idol surprised me.
Sheila will be happy to know I have a new one! I’m not talking about the Buffy/Angel obsession, because that’s been going on for a couple of months now. It does tie in to my American Idol obsession, though. My latest:
|I will marry Simon Cowell.|
|After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in Florida in our fabulous Apartment.|
|We will have 13 kid(s) together.|
|Our family will zoom around in a Red 2WD 2 cylinder Prius.|
|I will spend my days as a Accountant, and live happily ever after.|
I have a way better future with Spike over at SRM.
My other blog, Snark Raving Mad!, has been neglected even more than this one has. I’m so glad Cadet Happy has been around to keep posting reality snark while I’ve been trying to get settled into the house and, now, looking and applying for jobs. Otherwise, there would have been nothing to read over there for the last couple of months, and the SRM readers would have been sadder than a Paula Abdul without vodka. Before we up and moved from Florida, I was trying to think of ways to get more website traffic for SRM, because after all, a brand new blog always needs more traffic. Heck, I’ve been blogging here for four years now (dadgummit! I missed my blogiversary yesterday for the fourth year in a row!), and I still need more traffic. Ok, want.
I don’t know. With mountaineer musings, I just am what I am, and I think to improve my traffic here, I either need to install more optimization plugins with WordPress or even consider going to a website optimization firm for help.
Cadet Happy has been great at bringing traffic to SRM! because he’s one of those complete reality TV geeks that watches every reality show (no, really, every one) and also visits all the forums and all the sites. Also, he’s great at getting cross links. It turns out that the key to me actually getting more website traffic over at SRM! was simply the return of American Idol. That is a combination of Idol being a huge traffic maker and me getting my inspiration back. I’ve been happily watching television ever since we arrived in Idaho, but I have had no inspiration to snark it until the return of Idol. When Idol came back this week, I had so much fun! I had almost forgotten how much fun it is to write about AI. And with the return of LOST (a most snarkworthy show) at the end of the month, I don’t think my snark passion will get lost in the shuffle of moving boxes again.
I will be liveblogging the premiere over at Snark Raving Mad! Of course, I have to pause the DVR to write lengthy commentary and such, but it’ll be a semi-liveblogging. I’m sure Cadet Happy will have something to say about it, too.
I’m so excited!
is everyone as excited about January 15th as I am? I’m at least going to be excited about Idol until we end up with a crappy final twelve. Every time I see the commercials, I get more and more psyched. I’ve been having a hard time getting my snark back on at Snark Raving Mad!, but if anything will jump start me, it’s this. And the return of LOST. And the unpacking of the rest of our boxes. And all of my Christmas stuff getting packed away until next year. And… you know. More.
Carrie Underwood’s new CD, Carnival Ride, came out Tuesday, and it arrived in the mail today. I’ve been sooo good about not buying music recently, but sometimes you just have to make an exception. Like when your very favorite singer comes out with a new CD.
I haven’t listened to the whole thing yet. I’ve gotten through three tracks, only because my computer CD player was tied up with Myst III today, and our DVD player isn’t plugged into the TV right now because of the Wii. And I’m nothing if not lazy.
I did read the liner notes (first thing I do, usually), and she is still classy and thankful and adorable. Unlike Taylor Hicks. And I noticed Tuesday when I ordered the CD that in the photos she’s wearing the top she wore when she performed on American Idol this year. I *love* that she will wear the same thing twice. I do.
Anyway. First track, “Flat on the Floor,” is great. Second track, “All-American Girl,” starts off badly, because within thirty seconds I was rolling my eyes. The first verse is daddy/daughter sap, and I hate daddy/daughter sap songs (“Butterfly Kisses” always made me want to vomit); but the second verse shifts gears, so it’s ok. Not great. Ok. I love the melody, but I do not like family sap for some reason. “So Small,” the first single, is just lovely. I’ve loved it from the first time I heard it on the radio.
More on this when I listen to the rest.
UPDATE: How cute! The Soul Patrol are like Ron Paul internet supporters. Ladies, I’ve ranted about Taylor’s lack of gratitude before. If you were actual readers of this blog, you would know that. Here’s what I had to say about him in the past. And on my blog, I’m allowed to pretty much say whatever the heck I want. I pay the bills here. Kthxbai.
Tonight is the premiere of the all-important trainwreck… Hey, Paula!
Will there be liveblogging? Oh yes, there will be liveblogging. Oh come ON, there will be liveblogging. Pauler! In a reality show of her own! Tripping on Tulips all the time!
Hey, if it backfires for her, do you think they’ll let me replace her as the middle judge? Or would I be too honest and judgmental with the performances? I mean, we could travel to the different states for the auditions and live in LA for four months, as long as the AI peeps made sure to get us those super-special gun permits that only celebrities can get in some states. And as long as we could bring the animals everywhere (we’d have to drive on all the audition trips, and if there are auditions in Hawaii again, I guess the animals would need a babysitter).
But don’t they need a younger judge? I’ll be 31 in July. Barely older than the oldest contestants. A peer! Don’t they need a peer or older sister at the judges’ table?
Am I jumping ahead of myself? I’m jumping ahead of myself. She’s probably not gonna say anything ugly about the Nigels or stand on her head neckid in her show, so I don’t even know why I’m putting myself out there like this.
Plus, if I did get the not-even-available job, they probably wouldn’t let me blog it anymore. But why not? I could still rank them (giving actual opinions, unlike Pauler), and I’d be willing to leave off which contestants I’m voting for. And if it’s against the rules to vote if you’re a judge, I could give that up, too.
And I have come to some realizations. I will share them with you before I go to bed (yes, Frank and I are just now hitting the sack), so we can grow together.
1. If you step off a ladder and do not watch where you’re going, there is a possiblity you will step in your edging tray, turn it upside down with your foot, and pour a giant glop of paint all over the floor (thank goodness it was the tile, right?). Furthermore, this giant glop takes many hours to dry. I learned when I poured a giant glop on the bathroom tile right after I walked under the ladder that smearing it all around with paper towels leaves smudgy paint remnants everywhere. So we’re letting this one dry into one big glop to see if we can peel it off. It’s still drying.
2. I become irrationally angry when I listen to Fox News from 6 p.m. to 3:30 a.m. I yell at the TV *a lot* (most especially during Hannity & Colmes–how do people watch that shoutfest?). And when they all start talking over each other so no one can actually complete one sentence (even when they’re not disagreeing, NO ONE! can finish a sentence!), I just start talking over them. I say, “Yes. Let’s all start talking at once. Let’s yammer yammer yammer. Talk talk talk. No one can complete a sentence.” And then Frank starts saying, “Now we can’t hear them, because you’re talking over them.” And I say, “Yeah, well you couldn’t hear them anyway, so what’s the point?” At least we can hear people talk on Red Eye. If it turns into one of those lets-all-talk-at-the-same-time-so-we-can-spout-our prefabricated-talking points-together shows, I’ll just stop watching so I don’t destroy the TV. I like the TV.
3. I really miss podcasting. Especially when we watch Red Eye. There are so many commercials I want to parody that come on during Red Eye. I also miss it when I think about movies and books. I want to review stuff.
4. I really want to learn the guitar and the piano.
5. Cats can play with the smallest things and make the loudest and scariest noises.
6. The disconnect between the COBRA company and the health insurance company makes me want to pull my hair out plus the hair of anyone standing near me (I think about these things in the middle of the night). I’ve now paid over $700 for prescriptions in the last month on top of the $1500 + that we’ve paid for the health insurance. Yes, we’ll get reimbursed on the prescriptions, but here’s what I don’t get: If you’ve received our payment and are able to get out that next bill immediately, you should be able to contact the insurance company to let them know that I have the hook up. Otherwise, you’re just being a bunch of thieves, and I want to kick you in the shins until your tibias break in half.
7. If I never have 12 ft. ceilings in my house again, it will be too soonllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
Uh… Fell asleep there. Ok, so now it’s 2:28 p.m. UPDATE: Now it’s 5:37. Anyway, moving along. Around 6:30, Frank woke me up, I was asleep in my chair. He told me to put away my Helluva Good French Onion Dip and come to bed. We were awakened by a delivery of season five of Scrubs just now. Man. I have a killer headache. As I was saying, 12 ft. walls are a gritch to paint. By Grabthar’s Hammer, I hate them. Last night when I was done painting one 12 ft. wall, my body hurt so much that I just
through threw away the $15 paint stick so I wouldn’t have to clean it. Wasteful, I know! But it was after 4, we wanted to watch LOST, and I had a paintbrush to clean, too. The paint stick takes a good half hour to clean, and I was just over it. Goodbye, paint stick. Enjoy neverland.
8. My Werner Multi-Ladder is still the best thing since ALIAS. Y’all thought I was gonna say sliced bread, right? Yeah, well, celiacs feel like poopy after having sliced bread, so I decided to go with something that doesn’t make me think agonizing thoughts.
9. That American Idol song “This is My Cow”? Great for Clay Aiken. But really, Jordin shouldn’t record it. She should leave it for the next 2nd-best boy band that comes around, because it is truly a boy band song. Like I said in my AI recap on Finale Eve night, it’s not ‘NSYNC-worthy, but it would have been perfect for the Backstreet Boys. OH! Almost forgot. When I was looking for video of the last segment of the Finale, Tool of the Week who was interviewing all the top ten or twelve (this is the same guy who asked The Doo if she was gonna go back to being a backup singer now, yeah) asked Blake if he was upset about not getting to beatbox on the ballad song that won the contest. Blake’s response started with, “That was a ballad?” It was quick, and he moved on fast so no one would catch it, but your lovely muser caught it. It’s what I do. True. Not a ballad. Just had a ballady tune. There’s no story in there. A ballad is something like “Papa loved Mama, Mama loved men… Mama’s in the graveyard, Papa’s in the pen.” or “Brender & Eddie were the popular steadies and the king and the queen of the prom…” and “Scenes from and Italian Restaurant” is a stinking long song, so y’all don’t want me to write that out for y’all. Anyway, ballads have stories, interviewy dude.
10. One Tuff Drop Cloths are great. I’m so over the thin clear plastic ones.
11. My paint-color-picking ability is none to be trifled with. I’m gonna call it the bomb, baby.
12. My husband is becoming cooler every day. It used to be if we finished painting at 4 a.m., he’d be like, “Ok, let’s go to bed.” Last night, I said, “My body is so tired, but my brain is wide awake.” He said, “Yeah, I’m actually in the mood to watch LOST when you’re finished if you can stay awake for it.” I LOVE THIS MAN! We had to rewind scenes three times during LOST after I fell asleep.
13. *This next bullet point not suitable for children.* HeadOn is just mocking us now. PreferOn? Are you kidding me? This is the main reason I miss podcasting. I want to make a commercial for… come on… you know where I’m going with it… works like Viagra… apply directly to the penis… apply directly where it limps. Yes. HardOn. I’m sorry. It’s been in my head ever since they came out with PreferOn, apply directly to your scar, and now every time I see the commercials, I think of it. And so will you. You’re welcome.
14. I want to do a show for the Travel Channel. Me and Frank and the animals. I already have the show planned out, I have the concept for it, know what I want it to be. It would be the wackiest, funniest, crankiest show on the Travel Channel. They’d probably cancel it after the pilot. But I don’t know. That Samantha Brown keeps getting shows, and she’s just one woman talking to the camera by herself. I wish they’d put someone else on screen with her, you know? It looks stupid. “Here I am, having the most wonderful time in Scotland, all by myself! What a great place to be… by yourself!” What? In one commercial for the upcoming Latin America show (no thanks), she mentions her husband. Unless he’s completely face-for-radio, maybe they should send him with her. I mean she’s likeable enough, but by herself, there are so many awkward moments.
15. Limestone is eroded by fresh water but not salt water. I had no idea! Thank you, Planet Earth. I’m guessing it has something to do with chemical properties of limestone? I know it’s made mainly of calcium carbonate (but it’s sedimentary, so other stuff is in there, and that’s what makes all the pretty designs), but that’s as far as I’m going into the world of geochemistry, if there is such a thing, with this raging headache.
16. Cats get really angry and BANG on the door if you lock them on the patio or in the garage to keep them from stepping in paint.
17. Frank and I are both somewhat worried about Big Ro’s mental stability. We’re praying for her. Y’all know she’s not returning for her final three weeks on The View, right? Anyway, other than being worried that she might kinda hit rock bottom and do bad things to herself, I’m also wondering who will replace her, and I hope it’s Kathy Griffin. She’s lefty to the max, but she’s hilarious, and she bags on celebrities, and on morning network TV, she would have to watch her language. Must View TV indeed. I’d watch that.
18. I cannot wait for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
19. I want to duet onstage at the Kodak Theater on American Idol with Simon Cowell. I am truly a sick freak. I know. You don’t need to tell me.
There were more realizations. I’ve forgotten them. That should be enough for you to soak in for now, though.
Why won’t Constantine Maroulis GO AWAY?
Over at IMAO. Please go read it and leave me comments. And then please come read that super long-pinkytoe post I wrote yesterday. It’s broken down into chapters with great chapter names, so you can read only the chapters that appeal to you. I spent 5 hours on American Idol, 3 hours on that long post… I’m working hard to keep y’all reading. Please de-lurk, people. I need to feel the love.
Oh! Also, go check this out. Elisabeth called Rosie a coward to her face today, and Rosie tried to act like a victim. My favorite part is when Elisabeth says something like, “It was easier to fight with Donald Trump, wasn’t it? Because he’s obnoxious.” She finally stopped letting Rosie bully her. And tomorrow? I’m recording it again. Not forever. But tomorrow, it’s Trutherism versus Logic, Science, and Facts on the View re: 9/11. Should be scintillating.
As we know, I can’t recall words as easily as I did when I wasn’t on Topamax, so a lot of times the word will be right there, floating just out of reach of my mind’s eye, and I can’t focus it into a real word. Last night, as I was writing my American Idol results show recap (which includes lengthy flashbacks to each contestant’s performance Tuesday night since I didn’t write up the Tuesday show), I turned and asked Frank for vocabulary help, as I occasionally do when I can’t come up with a word.
SARAHK: What’s a good word for… not verbal but…
FRANK J.: Nonverbal?
SARAHK: No. Not spoken… physical… not verbal [I repeat myself in these situations.]
FRANK J.: Unspoken?
SARAHK: No. Sweetie, if I wanted a word that I could come up with myself, I wouldn’t ask you for help. [We both start laughing.]
FRANK J.: [quoting Scrubs] Thanks. I was going to say mop.
The Scrubs janitor reference sent me into a laughing fit that I couldn’t stop for a few minutes. If you don’t remember the episode, it begins something like this. JD walks into the hospital, and Janitor is sitting just inside the hospital looking sad.
JD: What’s wrong.
JANITOR: I don’t know. I’m just feeling kind of… what’s the word?
JANITOR: Yes. Sad. I’m so dumb that I couldn’t come up with the word sad. I was going to say mop. I’m feeling mop.
The Janitor spends the rest of the episode acting completely stupid–trying to eat soup with a fork, etc. One of the funniest episodes.
Oh, I ended up looking it up on reference.com. Tacit was the word I was looking for. Not mop.
Okay, even though it’s left me completely uninspired since Chris Sligh (look, he blogs!) and The Glock left (I’m still smarting over that one, America, you knappy hos), my AI snark from last night is up at IMAO and is particularly inspired. You know. In my arrogant opinion.
Since I predicted 100% who would be kicked off last week (I’m awesome), I blogged it, even though AI is already upon us again.
And I’m going to start tonight’s episode of the top 10 guys right now. At IMAO. Because my husband is the head of the household, and he says so.
I blogged it last night over at IMAO. If I had time, I would do a link roundup, but the evil fake sarahk is coming to visit us this weekend, and my house cleaning deadline is upon me.
i’ve been blogging it all along at IMAO. just so you know.
(husband’s wishes and whatnot. it makes us money over there.)
I’m liveblogging it over at IMAO.
UPDATE: This is the most brilliant auditions night this season. You must come see the liveblog. Please. I beg.
my blog is experiencing all kinds of it. that’s because my house is experiencing less of it. i’m finally unpacking the rest of the boxes that have been sitting in my garage since i moved here two years ago. yeah, um, there are six or seven of the seventy-five boxes i brought (i’m not exaggerating — my stepdad counted them when he loaded them on the truck because he was baffled by the sheer volume of stuff i owned) still sitting in the garage. i’ve been making significant progress, though.
once the garage is cleaned up (so much trash went out today, and so many boxes have been going to my friend at church, and i have items i’m taking to the church building tonight for donation, and more for my friend, and so on), we’ll actually have room to organize the tool bench again. and the wall next to it. and i’ll be able to move Big Whitey (the big white cabinet) to the garage from the kitchen. and i’ll have room to set up a sawhorse and cut down plywood for the attic space (which is teeniny). then i can put all the attic stuff into the attic. after that, i can paint the garage, including the floor, and start on the inside of the house.
and eventually the outside of the house.
so you see. i am working hard at ignoring you.
oh, plus there is this stupid doctor i saw yesterday who decided he would rather have a peeing contest with me over who knows more about the gluten-free diet, him or me, than actually figure out why i’ve had chronic diarrhea for three years.
other than my neuro, i’m pretty much losing faith in doctors. so it looks like i’m going to schedule some time at the Mayo Clinic after all. because i want to make sure i’m doing the right thing. i want a positive diagnosis. i want the biopsy to make sure that i do have flat villi in my small intestine. if not, if i don’t actually have celiac disease — and wow, the improvement is remarkable, so it’s unlikely that i don’t — i want to know what i DO have so i can get better. i’m pretty sure it’s in my bowels, and i’d like a gastro to get on board with me who wants to figure out what’s causing everything. if i have celiac disease, i want a doctor to tell me that that’s all i have.
what’s it take to get a stinkin’ endoscopy and colonoscopy in this geriatric haven? they don’t have those in Florida? dadgum, just run some tests, ok?
there’s more to that.
anyway, i have to get back to neglecting y’all. :-) sorry.
my 24 and American Idol stuff is over at IMAO.
oh! oh! but i’ve started to injuring myself already with the house projects, so i’ll have that kind of blogging to do. i already bludgeoned my arm today pulling silk flowers out of a box. pulling flowers out of a box, i can injure myself. just you wait until i use the jigsaw. i’ll lose a limb, i tells ya.
24 starts tomorrow night, and the DVR-delayed live-blogging will begin! now, it starts at 8p.m. here, and we’ll be home from worship by then, but we’ll want commercial buffer… are they doing it commercial-free again this year? they usually do that…
oh, and i’ll be doing the liveblog over at IMAO, so if you come over here and wonder why i’m not here liveblogging, that’s why. go to IMAO for your livebloggage.
and don’t forget…
AMERICAN IDOL IS BACK TUESDAY NIGHT!
see, this is why blogging has been light. i’ve been resting my metacarpals.