Category Archives: Humor

Hot centenarians. Nothing wrong with that.

From tWits. [It's New Moon week, so I can think of nothing but vampires.]

Every time I tell my husband that I don’t have time to chit-chat or make his dinner or have sex because I’m reading about sexy vampires or watching the Cullen boys play sparkly baseball, he tries to tell me that vampires are creepy. Not because of the fangs or the blood-drinking—he’s a guy, so that stuff probably makes them cool—but because they’re hundreds of years old and pursuing teenage girls.

Now, I’ve thought about it. I’m trying to be a supportive wife and see his point so he’ll drop the argument and just let me get back to my toothily-enhanced hotties, but I can’t do it—I can’t even see the merits in his argument. Because he’s wrong. And here’s why there’s nothing wrong with hot vampires dating much, much, much, much younger women.

READ THE REST AT TWITS…

With friends like Cadet Happy…

Remember my petits fours?

Cadet Happy spilled the beans on my secret ingredient…
Read more »

I can’t stop laughing at this

Ever since Frank drew this comic, his first in at least a year, every time I look at it, I crack up. It’s my eyes in the last few panes that just slays me.

Get it?

Go here. Watch.

The truth about sex

There’s a scantily clad chick in this video, but watching it is not necessary. Just listen to the words. I could not stop laughing. Nay, cackling.

It is about sex, so I don’t recommend you watch with your kids (or boss) around.

(via Hot Air)

fat kitteh!

Omen went back to the vet for her leukemia booster shot. She has gained two pounds! She’s now the fattest of our cats. She also got her belly shaved so the vet could look, again, for the spay scar. He still couldn’t find it. So he did an ultrasound to see if she’s pregnant, and he saw nothing. He did the ultrasound because she’s gained two pounds in two weeks. Kind of a lot for an eight-pound cat (who is now ten pounds). Well, at least no kittens! Whew!

We’re supposed to put food up high for the other kitties and feed her rations. I can’t imagine not letting a kitty eat whenever she wants! What’s funny is that she’s on the indoor cat healthy food that the other cats *lost* two pounds eating. I guess we’ll have to figure something out.

And now… for Rachl Lukis, who put me on to lolsecretz (prof. in both links)…

i purrtend

scatterbrained

A couple of nights ago we played Scattergories and drank hot tea right before bed so we would go right to sleep (decaf hot tea really does work!). We are hilarious, ridiculous, and crazy when we play that game. Here are some examples:

  • “Notorious People,” letter R… Frank said Richard Nixon, and I said Rachel Lucas. Hahahaha.
  • “Fruits,” letter R. We had the same fruit but different answers. I said red grapes, Frank said raisins.
  • “Things in a Medicine Cabinet,” letter R. Frank tried to answer “raft.” He said, “If it’s an inflatable raft, and you deflate it and make it really small, you can stuff it in a medicine cabinet.” I nixed that one.
  • “Halloween Costumes,” letter R. I said Ron Weasley, and Frank said Remus Lupin. That was awesome.
  • “Parts of the Body,” letter O. Frank: ova. SarahK: orifices.
  • “Things You Replace,” letter O. Frank: old people (so sad). SarahK: old boyfriends (I replaced mine pretty much every week at church camp).
  • “Villains/Monsters,” letter O. Frank: Orney ogre. He meant ornery.
  • “Things You Shout,” letter O. SarahK: “Oh noes!” Hahahaha.
  • “Famous Duos and Trios,” letter P. SarahK: Paula, Simon, and Randy. Frank: Paul and Oates. Hahaha. I disallowed that one.
  • “Vacation spots,” letter P. Frank disallowed Palestine for some reason. Hey, I saw the Gaza Strip from a distance when I went to Israel. Close enough. And he put Poland.
  • “Diseases,” letter P. Frank’s answer? Puss-filled pimples. I nixed it.
  • “Words associated with money,” letter P. I went with Paypal, of course.
  • “Things that you wear,” letter P. Frank’s answer, I’m not kidding: Preety pumps. Misspelled pretty and put girls’ shoes. He knew he misspelled it, though (when he read off his answer). My answer was panties. I’m really glad we didn’t have the same answer.
  • “Vegetables,” letter F. Frank, desperate for an answer, said Fred Thompson because people joke he’s so lazy. I said absolutely not and made him apologize.
  • “Types of Drinks,” letter F. Frank said fondue. Oy.
  • “Musical Groups,” letter F. This one isn’t funny, but I was so proud of my three-point answer, Five For Fighting.

I beat him, 45 to 44.

we ate bagels!

Who needs wheat when you can have tapioca and rice flour bagels? They taste at least as good, and I can eat them! Frank had his with fantastic-looking cream cheese, and I just dashed on Louisiana hot sauce since I can’t have cheese for now. Never have I missed cheese so much (the hot sauce was fine, but that creamy goodness would have been even better).

In other news, Fred Thompson met the Hate-Filled Lefty.

who’s a genius?

Fred Thompson.
Read more »

Hahahahaha

Harvey is a newsmaker. So is Frank, as it turns out (right now he’s about the 4th story).

Obey or Be Destroyed

I linked to this yesterday, but I just don’t want you to miss it. It’s Hillary’s latest campaign video.

The Fred Thompson campaign

has a new ad out… Oh dear. I fear we may see it allll the time now.

Have you met your son-in-law?

Monday I was talking to my dad, and I said, “Hey, Frank’s favorite columnist, Jonah Goldberg, quoted Frank a lot in his syndicated column this week. It was cool, and Frank was excited about it. It was about Fred Thompson.” I gave him a few more details. Spidade, aka Spizzle Dizzle, was only half-listening to me, because he was at a convenience store, and… well, lemme just play back the conversation for you.

SARAHK: Hey, Frank’s favorite columnist, Jonah Goldberg, quoted Frank a lot in his syndicated column this week. It was cool, and Frank was excited about it. It was about Fred Thompson.
SPIDADE: Oh yeah? That’s great. Hey, um, I’m sitting here in a convenience store parking lot [I guess he does his daily reading there?], and there’s this woman, and she is uh-reee-uhlly skanky.
SARAHK: She’s a prostitute.
SPIDADE: Well, I don’t know about that. But she’s uh-reee-uhlly skanky, and oh no, she’s walking over to my truck.
SARAHK: She wants to offer you her services.
SPIDADE [laughing]: Well, the answer is no!
SARAHK: Or maybe she wants to purchase yours.
SPIDADE [laughing]: Well, the answer there is definitely no. I don’t offer services.
SARAHK: I don’t know. You did tell me you have a goatee now.
SPIDADE [laughing]: Yes, and I look good. But she is most definitely skanky. And now I don’t know how I can get inside the store without having to talk to her.
SARAHK [I suppose I could have told him the obvious solution--be on the phone with your daughter when you walk by her, and motion to her that, hey, sorry, I'm on the phone, but what's the fun in that? Or optionally, bug spray.]: What’s she doing?
SPIDADE: Just standing at my window. I think she’s gonna ask me for money when I get out of the truck.
SARAHK: No she’s not, dad. She’s totally a whore. She wants to make a transaction.
SPIDADE: Oh brother. Well, I’m gonna have to go, because someone else is calling.
SARAHK: Good luck. Stay strong.

Or something like that. Oh, and earlier on, we had talked politics and how we’re both voting for Fred Thompson, so he’d better run, or we’re gonna never get over it!

So yesterday, Spidade called me. Now, I already knew that IMAO had been getting some traffic yesterday from newspapers that ran Jonah Goldberg’s column, so when he mentioned Jonah Goldberg, I knew why he was calling.

SPIDADE: Hey, do you know who Jonah Goldberg is? He’s a conservative columnist?
SARAHK: Yeah, that’s the columnist I was telling you about yesterday who quoted Frank in his column this week.
SPIDADE: Oh yeah? Hey, he has a column in the [Fort Worth] Star-Telegram…
SARAHK: Oh, he does? Do you see Frank’s quotes in there?
SPIDADE: I haven’t read the whole thing yet. I wanted to read you something from it.
SARAHK: Is it about Fred Thompson?
SPIDADE: Yeah. And about Osama bin Laden?
SARAHK: Uh huh. Dad, he’s quoting Frank.
SPIDADE: Oh, really?
SARAHK: Yes. Do you remember yesterday when I told you that Frank’s favorite columnist quoted him in his column this week?
SPIDADE: Oh yeah. Well I haven’t gotten past those little square things yet. What are those little square things called? [This from the man who can do the Sunday NYT crossword puzzle, ok?]
SARAHK: Bullet points.
SPIDADE: Yeah. I haven’t gotten past the bullet points yet.
SARAHK: Yeah, the bullet points? Frank wrote those.
SPIDADE: Oh, he did? My favorite one is about how Fred Thompson left the Senate in 2003 and Harry Reid hasn’t stopped wetting his pants.
SARAHK: Yeah, that one’s funny. I like the one where Fred Thompson stood on the southern border and glared at Mexico, and there was no illegal immigration for a month. He has a whole category of these on his blog and posts a new one every day. Say, do you see where it says IMAO down there below the bullet points?
SPIDADE: Yep, yep.
SARAHK: Yeah, that’s your son-in-law. Maybe you’ve heard of him? Frank J.?
SPIDADE: Oh yeah! He sounds familiar. Well, I hadn’t gotten that far yet. I just thought these were really funny, and I knew you would like them. And actually, when I saw “IMAO”, I thought it said “LMAO”, as in “laughing my pinkytoe off.” [He really said pinkytoe. He's down with the freaky-cool mountaineer musings lingo, yo. Haha.]
SARAHK: Dad, I told you about this yesterday. You don’t remember that conversation?
SPIDADE: Yeah, it sounds familiar.
SARAHK: Hey monkeyface. My dad is calling to read to me from Jonah Goldberg’s article in the Star-Telegram today. He’s reading me these really funny facts about Fred Thompson. He didn’t even know he was quoting you to me.

Frank thought that was hilarious. He’s been telling all his friends.

So y’all see where I get it. My own dad was calling to quote my husband to me from a newspaper article, when I’d told him about this the day before.

Oh, and Spizzle Dizzle called a few minutes ago.

SARAHK: Oh, hey. I’m blogging about how you called and quoted Frank to me yesterday.
SPIDADE: Oh, you are, are you?
SARAHK: Yeah. But you know what? I remembered why you didn’t remember my telling you about it.
SPIDADE: Why’s that?
SARAHK: Because when I was telling you, you had the hooker standing outside your truck waiting to solicit you, and you were trying to figure out an escape route.
SPIDADE: Oh yeah! That’s right. Well, I’ll tell you what. [He is a Texan, yes?] I stayed on the phone with you long enough that she finally gave up and walked away.
SARAHK: Oh good. I should have suggested it. [But what fun would that be?]
SPIDADE: You can be proud of yourself that you kept me on the phone long enough that she finally gave up on me.
SARAHK: I am, kinda. Hey, was she wearing legwarmers?
SPIDADE: What?
SARAHK: Was she wearing legwarmers? Just wondering. When I picture skanky hookers, they’re always wearing legwarmers and purple leotards and miniskirts.
SPIDADE: I… tried not to notice.

He’s no fun!

Artist’s Rendering

Frank the Artist has drawn a comic of my traffic escapades last week. He does like to exaggerate. I can’t wait to see what he does with the colonoscopy.

in case you missed it

my evil twin has illustrated Frankie’s latest antics. perfectly.

the evil twin also has the perfect take on my questions about how my grandmother died. every time i see it i ROFL. i can’t believe my mind didn’t go there.

It’s the IMAO Podcast – Yeehaw!

The latest IMAO Podcast, Build Your Own Candidate, is up! You can download it by following the links, or go direct to the podcast website here.

ROFLMPTO

Peeing all over myself here.

This is one of my all-time favorite photoshops by the evil fake sarahk.

I should probably clarify that Frank wasn’t correcting me on the SF/Sci-Fi thing. I was noting to him that when he and his sister talk about movies, they only ever say “film”, but when he’s not in her presence, he’ll say “movie”, but I know it’s not a conscious thing on his part, and on her part, it’s because she’s actually in the industry and probably has to talk the talk or whatever. And then I got off on a tangent about those people who say “film” to be pretentious, and he said something about having to be careful when talking about science fiction because he has to be cautious not to say “SciFi” in certain circles because it’s incorrect. And that got me all up in a tizzy because I hate pretentious people, and he started trying to defend the pretentious SciFi crowd, and I wasn’t having it, and that’s whence the argument came.

Anyway, go see the picture. I cackled and then cackled some more and laughed my pinkytoe off and almost wet myself.

It’s the IMAO Podcast… Yeehaw!

The newest IMAO Podcast (i.e., IMAO For the Non-Deaf) is up! Go download it here!

This episode is called “Friends Don’t Let Friends Shoot Friends in the Face”. I interviewed the alleged Kellie Pickler for this podcast, so you won’t want to miss it! Oh yeah, the guys did some stuff too.

the latest IMAO podcast is up!

you can download it here. it’s about something or other. we think liberals. and there’s an exclusive 24 promo for tonight’s episode!

he said / she said

the new podcast, which is called something like “Time-traveling Monkey Killers” is up for download.

two bits that were left out of the podcast (because they were recorded last minute, inspired by our mutual annoyance with each other after i tried to coach Frank on his acting skills) were our she said / he said bits. i still think my best blogging was back when we were doing the he said / she said stories about our Grand Canyon hike. listen to the bits in the following order:

she said
he said

even when we’re doody-heads to each other, we can laugh about it.

joke’s on the evil fake sarahk

the evil fake sarahk isn’t blogging until after Labor Day. some lame excuse about moving into a new house. laaaaaame!

meanwhile, she’s gone way too far by putting my head on a man’s body saying i would drive a Chevy!! as if!!

and this is NOT what my new cabinet looks like. mine doesn’t have doors yet.

IMAO podcast

hiya!

IMAO debuts today its first Podcast. along with the other IMAO cast, i’m in there, reviewing my favorite of Frank’s guns, Mr. Shiny. there might be some singing, too. :-) i hope y’all enjoy it.

my heritage

ouch.

Mr. Wonderful wants me to show up to the weddin’

ok, but only if there’s a molten chocolate groom’s cake in the shape of an M1911.

i’m actually quite sure the molten chocolate part is not gonna happen, because molten chocolate, once cooled, is no longer so molten. more like ooey gooey.

anyway, Frank wrote an editorial in which he states his adamancy that i show up at the wedding. it’s funny.

blog myths and facts

Frank straightens out the MSM.

fun with headlines

Afghan President Karzai Holds First Cabinet Meeting
warns cinnamon and cayenne pepper to put aside differences.

Senate Freshmen Debate Filibuster Rule
debate ends when one freshman has to pee.

and that’s all i have time for. y’all can add your own in the comments, and keep them clean, please. ta, musees!

funny ’cause it’s true

Claus for Alarm

this just in

Frank put it to his readers todayta! to submit headlines and then funny jokes after the headlines. i had a lot of fun with this. here are my favorites that i submitted.

Leavitt Tapped for HHS.
tomorrow he’ll do interpretive dance for HUD.

Man, 80, Lives 18 Hours in Sea.
unconfirmed reports state he lived the other 701,262 hours on land.

Government Must Do More to Prevent Future Voter Fraud
President Bush to outlaw elections in Chicago and at Wizbang.

Breast Cancer Test Predicts Who Will, Won’t, Benefit From Chemo
among those listed as not benefiting are those without cancer.

Jury Reviews Evidence
next week, Cow Produces Milk.

Jury Reaches Sentence Decision
recommends capitalizing first letter and ending with period.

Pakistan: No CIA Bases Here
that you know of.

List of Nominees for GLOBES…
leading the nominations is Earth, followed by Mars and Mercury.

Phishing Scams Continue to Grow
local bait and tackle shops under surveillance.

McCain: No Confidence in Rumsfeld
Rumsfeld: i’ll kill ‘im.

US Denies Meddling in Ukraine Election
President Bush says he found “Go Yushchenko” t-shirt at garage sale, couldn’t resist bargain.

Kerik, White House Say Withdrawal Was His Decision
Wells Fargo officials corroborate and note that deposit was voluntary as well.

Theme Parks Attendance Up in 2004 Thanks to Foreigners
also up in 2004 thanks to foreigners… dead terrorists.
(because most of them are foreign)

Men Who Remarry Tend to Gain Weight, Ignore Health
women who remarry tend to gain weight, ignore husband.

Migraines May Increase Stroke Risk
so may raising the blood pressure of migraine-sufferers by telling them they’re going to die of stroke.

Annan’s son denies oil-for-food wrongdoing
UN denies anti-semitism.

Gay pastor dispute divides Methodists
the pastors are fighting over wallpaper colors. that’s so gay.

there are lots more from other funny people, so go see.

UPDATE: more… (i’m sorry, i can’t stop!)

Google to Scan Rare Books
why don’t they just read the Cliffs Notes?

Twins Deliver Twins, Today
sister storks very proud to carry matching babies.

Ukraine Opposition Expands – Poisoning Hard to Prove
Russian doctors say traces of hemlock and arsenic in Yushchenko’s blood probably from childhood vaccine.

No More ‘Sopranos’
fine then! we sing alto better too! we can be divas without hitting that high D. punks.

Kraft Raises Coffee Prices on Rising Bean Cost
what?? Kraft has products other than Macaroni ‘n’ Cheese Cheese ‘n’ Macaroni??

Former Bush Campaign Chief Pleads Innocent
… to losing!

help wanted?

my Sizzle is looking for a job, because she had a [bonehead] boss who didn’t think it was necessary to give her much notice that she was soon to be out of a job. Sizzle got an email from said [bonehead] on Friday that said something to the effect of, “i can’t afford to pay you anymore. Wednesday will be your last day.” thanks for the notice, kind sir.

so i got a call from her yesterday, she needed help writing her resume. after our conversation, i decided to just write it for her. no need to thank me, Sizzle, all i did was organize what you told me about yourself so that your future employer may see your resume on my blog and hire you. any loving sizzle would have done the same. if any of you musees know of someone in the Metroplex looking for good help, please forward them this resume. by emailing a link to my blog, of course. it’s all about blog traffic.

Sizzle K
47 My Street
Metroplex, Texas 7****
(817) PAY-GOOD
sizzlek@aol.yahoo.net

Objective: To make money and not have to work.

Summary of qualifications: Proficient in bossing people around, not so good at taking orders or instructions. Understands that the customer is NOT always right, is able to bring coworkers to tears at will. Advanced user in whining, long lunch breaks, padding time sheets and closing office doors before painting toenails. Expert user of Excel, AOL Instant Messenger, Yahoo! Instant Messenger, Mozilla Firefox, Internet Explorer and Adobe Photoshop.

Experience:

Realtors Anonymous, Hot Office Chick, September 2004 – November 2004
* Smiled at male customers to convince them to buy houses. Sold 14. Left job because Office Manager was insecure about herself.

Bad Realty Ltd., Smokin’ Babe who Hands out Buttons, May 2004 – September 2004
* Handed out buttons. Smiled a lot. Moved on to pursue better opportunity.

Apartment Renters United, Lease Writer Girl, May 2004 – May 2004
* Filled out a lot of paperwork. Got writer’s cramp in my fingers, got fired over workers’ comp claim. Jerks.

Education:
I write on a 6th grade level. But my handwriting is real pretty. And I’m cute, so who cares?

Skillz:
Yo, read the above stuff, mkay?

Hobbies & Interests:
I really like football. And reading blogs, especially during work hours. Bloggers totally rawk! Watching soaps on my mini-tv at my desk, making labels with my super-cool label-maker, and sipping nice cold Dr. Pepper. mmm mmm good.

thanks to Jooooish reader Roger Glass who pointed out that a certain name i called Sizzle’s former boss is obscene in Yiddish. didn’t know that.

snerk snerk

teehee, one of my coworkers emailed me this joke this morning. this is soooo my life.

an accountant is having trouble sleeping and goes to the doctor for help.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?”
“That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

hahahaha. must be an auditor.

the final debate

last night Senator Kerry called me to ask if i was coming to the final presidential debate.

“well, James, i don’t think so. i tried hard to help your campaign, but a pretty face and sharp mind can only go so far. i’m afraid you’re on your own.”

the Senator was disappointed. “no, no, Sally, please, come to the debate. you don’t have to actually speak to Tuh-ray-zuh, i know she can be a little harsh, believe me, i know. just last week, i bought her the wrong brand of caviar and she made me stay at a hotel! couldn’t even go to my own house!”

“well, technically, Senator, you don’t actually own anything.”

“true, Sally, true. though my friend Coffee did give me this really nice set of cufflinks that say ‘die America die’ on them. platinum, even. but anyway, Sally, i’m sending a jet to pick you up, i want you to attend the debate. you can even sit with those Bush daughters, who may or may not be lesbians.”

“fine, whatever.”

i wanted to watch CSI: Miami, but instead i was on my way to ToraBora, Ohio, for the final debate. i was ushered in and met Jenna and Barbara, who were playing Uno Attack with Barbara Sr. while they waited for the big event. i joined in and made Barbara Sr. mad by playing my reverse card. she smacked me on the nose, said “no no!” and skipped me next time around.

finally, the debate started…

NARRATOR: ladies and gentlemen, we come to you live from the Outsourcing University of ToraBora tonight for this, the final debate of this election season. this little-publicized debate is guaranteed to be entertaining, and sparks will surely fly, not to mention sound bites. it will probably be rather pointless like the other partisanly-moderated debates, but hey, at least we’ll get to look at some pretty women…

~~~ in the Fox booth~~~
E.D. HILL: did he just say pretty women?
BRIAN KILMEADE: i think he means Laura and her daughters. and that other Republican chick sitting with them. man, who is that? she’s hot!
STEVE DOOCY: oh, that’s SarahK. i read her blog. she likes guns.
~~~

MODERATOR: good evening, ladies and gentlemen, good evening Mrs. Bush, and Mrs. Kerry.
SARAHK: uh oh.
TUHRAYZUH: you shut up! you don’t call me Mrs. Kerry! my husband is dead, you call me Mrs. Heinz!!
LAURA: Tuhrayzuh, let’s sit down and keep our temper inside, shall we? and Jenna [glancing toward the audience], stop smacking your bubble gum, or i will come take it away from you.
JENNA: yes, Mom.
TUHRAYZUH: yes, Mrs. Bush.
MODERATOR: anyway, Mrs. Bush and Mrs. Heinz are here to answer three very important questions, and we’d all like to thank Outsourcing U for hosting this event. i am your moderator, Bill O’Reilly, and may i just state that Mrs. Bush, you look stunning tonight.
LAURA: thank you, Bill, but let’s keep the compliments to a minimum, or have you learned nothing from your recent events?
O’REILLY: no, i’ve learned plenty. make sure you’re not being taped when you’re saying things you shouldn’t! anyway, the first question is –

TUHRAYZUH: Bill, what about me? you didn’t say that i am stunning. I’LL SHOW YOU STUNNING! [whips out her stun gun and zaps O'Reilly.]
LAURA: Tuhrayzuh, any more outbursts like that will put you straight into time out.
TUHRAYZUH: you shut up! i will burst out like that when i want.
JENNA: uh UH! she did NOT just tell my momma to shut up! [runs onstage and starts toward Tuhrayzuh]
LAURA: Jenna Bush, sit down right this instant. [Jenna stops in her tracks and sits back down.] Barbara Sr., do you think you can handle up on the girls? i’m a little busy debating this… lady.
BARBARA JR.: Jenna, mom is totally gonna kick your butt when we get home!
JENNA: whatever, Barbara. i was ready to pistol whip that foul-mouthed witch, and where were you? knitting with Grama.
BARBARA SR.: girls, that’s enough. and Jenna, knitting is an honorable hobby; at least your sister is not dancing around listening to that hop-hip Reese’s Pieces boy.
JENNA [rolling eyes]: Gram, how many times do i have to tell you? Eminem.
SARAHK: this is better than CSI: Miami.

O’REILLY: okay, ladies, let’s see if we can get this thing started. first question is for you, Mrs. Heinz. you recently tried to take a stab at librarians by saying you didn’t think Mrs. Bush had ever had a real job. that backfired on you. do you wish you’d never said that?
TUHRAYZUH: look. i said that she never had a real job because i thought she was just a stay-at-home mom. i was really trying to take a stab at the moms, it was nothing personal against Mrs. Bush. she’s a very nice library lady.
LAURA: Bill, I’d like to respond to that if i may.
O’REILLY: of course, beautiful.
LAURA: Mrs. Heinz, being a mom is a real job, the hardest job in the world. the only difference between the job of mother and any other job is that i worked my backside off and never had a vacation. even my sleepytime was interrupted every time Jenna crawled out her bedroom window to go kiss boys.
TUHRAYZUH: what are you talking about? being a mom is the easiest job in the world! look. you drop them at the day care while you go to your real job —
LAURA: your real job of what? heiress?
JENNA: BOOF! YOU GO, MOMMA!
LAURA: let’s use our inside voices, Jenna. Tuhrayzuh, you were saying?
TUHRAYZUH: yes, you send them to day care until they are old enough for boarding school. then you sip your mimosas and eat your bon-bons all day. what is hard about that?
O’REILLY: let’s move on, ladies. to the lovely Mrs. Bush goes the next question. do you think Mrs. Heinz is a bad person for saying that moms don’t work hard? and is that Chanel No. 5 perfume i smell? [moves closer to Laura]
LAURA: Bill, I’ll not tell you again to watch yourself. i have tear gas in my pocket, and i know how to use it. and Barbara’s packing heat.
O’REILLY: which Barbara?
LAURA: both. to answer your question… i don’t think Mrs. Heinz is a bad person, Bill. i think she’s a lonely heiress who married the man who provided her with the best hope of being the first woman in the White House who doesn’t tuck in her shirt nor brush her hair.
TUHRAYZUH: yes, that is true, a bit. but he also gave me the best hope of having free health care. that is something i need, free health care, and all the little neckid children in Florida should have it too. free health care and bottled water.
LAURA: free weekly visits to the beauty shop wouldn’t hurt some people, either. right, Tuhrayzuh?
TUHRAYZUH: you shove it, Laura.
LAURA: you are trying my patience more than George does when he blames his toots on the dog, Mrs. Sloppy Hair. oh, that reminds me, I brought you a gift.
TUHRAYZUH: a gift? i love gifts! is it money?
LAURA: no, not money. i brought you this hair serum, Frizz Ease. follow the directions on the back of the bottle, and you, too, can have shiny, sleek hair.
TUHRAYZUH: is it expensive?
LAURA: not too expensive.
TUHRAYZUH: oh. thank you anyway, Laura, i’m sure it was nice of you.

O’REILLY: our final question is for Mrs. K… Heinz. if your husband is elected president, what is the first thing you plan to do upon arriving at the White House?
TUHRAYZUH: that is an easy one, Mr. Bill. first, i will replace the rose garden with a garden of Fleur de Lys, which the commoners call irises.
LAURA: may i respond, Bill?
O’REILLY: uh, sure. i was hoping for more of a Just Say No kinda thing, but go ahead, Mrs. Bush.
LAURA: Barbara! stop whispering in SarahK’s ear, unless you plan to share with everyone in this auditorium!
BARBARA JR.: that’s ok, Momma, i’ll be quiet.
LAURA: Barbara, let me rephrase. as you have rudely interrupted this assembly by talking through Mr. O’Reilly’s response, you will share with everyone here. alright, what do you have to say for yourself, young lady?
BARBARA JR.: i was just telling SarahK that your shirt came untucked.
LAURA: you’re grounded.
BARBARA JR.: i’m twenty-two! i don’t even live at home anymore! you can’t ground me!
LAURA: corner. now. [Barbara goes to the corner.] please pardon my rude children, Tuhrayzuh.
TUHRAYZUH: oh, that’s ok. John’s slut daughters show their boobies through their dresses and prance around like floozies.
LAURA: i… have… no rebuttal for that.
O’REILLY: well, lovely lady — ladies — we appear to be out of time. i’d like to thank the Fox Network for airing this debate, as all of those lefty media outlets declined to show Mrs. Heinz opening her trap.
TUHRAYZUH: you’re an idiot, O’Reilly. i just want to say one more thing.
O’REILLY: by all means, Mrs. Heinz.
TUHRAYZUH: i just want to say that if America elects that moron i married, i will give cookies to all the little children. especially the African-American ones, because i myself am African-American.
LAURA: Bill, may i?
O’REILLY: please.
LAURA: i would like to appeal to the African-American voters out there and ask if this is the woman you want to be the first African-American first lady. i would also like to state that my husband, whom i love more than life itself, is the best man to lead this country for the next four years.
JENNA: GO MOMMA!
LAURA: JENNA BUSH! INSIDE VOICE!
JENNA: sorry, Momma. go Momma.
BARBARA SR. [under her breath]: i never yelled at my children.
LAURA [under her breath]: i heard that.
JENNA: Momma’s gonna kick your butt, Grama.
SARAHK: true dat.

~~~
E.D.: and there you have it, folks. y’all have just seen the only debate between the two choices for first lady. i think the choice is clear.
BRIAN: but this is FoxNews, so we won’t tell you what that choice is. but wasn’t Mrs. Bush full of class and poise tonight? unlike Teresa, i mean Tuhrayzuh, who was sloppy.
STEVE: but we’re FoxNews. we report. you decide.
BRIAN: Kilmeade, out!