last night Senator Kerry called me to ask if i was coming to the final presidential debate.
“well, James, i don’t think so. i tried hard to help your campaign, but a pretty face and sharp mind can only go so far. i’m afraid you’re on your own.”
the Senator was disappointed. “no, no, Sally, please, come to the debate. you don’t have to actually speak to Tuh-ray-zuh, i know she can be a little harsh, believe me, i know. just last week, i bought her the wrong brand of caviar and she made me stay at a hotel! couldn’t even go to my own house!”
“well, technically, Senator, you don’t actually own anything.”
“true, Sally, true. though my friend Coffee did give me this really nice set of cufflinks that say ‘die America die’ on them. platinum, even. but anyway, Sally, i’m sending a jet to pick you up, i want you to attend the debate. you can even sit with those Bush daughters, who may or may not be lesbians.”
i wanted to watch CSI: Miami, but instead i was on my way to ToraBora, Ohio, for the final debate. i was ushered in and met Jenna and Barbara, who were playing Uno Attack with Barbara Sr. while they waited for the big event. i joined in and made Barbara Sr. mad by playing my reverse card. she smacked me on the nose, said “no no!” and skipped me next time around.
finally, the debate started…
NARRATOR: ladies and gentlemen, we come to you live from the Outsourcing University of ToraBora tonight for this, the final debate of this election season. this little-publicized debate is guaranteed to be entertaining, and sparks will surely fly, not to mention sound bites. it will probably be rather pointless like the other partisanly-moderated debates, but hey, at least we’ll get to look at some pretty women…
~~~ in the Fox booth~~~
E.D. HILL: did he just say pretty women?
BRIAN KILMEADE: i think he means Laura and her daughters. and that other Republican chick sitting with them. man, who is that? she’s hot!
STEVE DOOCY: oh, that’s SarahK. i read her blog. she likes guns.
MODERATOR: good evening, ladies and gentlemen, good evening Mrs. Bush, and Mrs. Kerry.
SARAHK: uh oh.
TUHRAYZUH: you shut up! you don’t call me Mrs. Kerry! my husband is dead, you call me Mrs. Heinz!!
LAURA: Tuhrayzuh, let’s sit down and keep our temper inside, shall we? and Jenna [glancing toward the audience], stop smacking your bubble gum, or i will come take it away from you.
JENNA: yes, Mom.
TUHRAYZUH: yes, Mrs. Bush.
MODERATOR: anyway, Mrs. Bush and Mrs. Heinz are here to answer three very important questions, and we’d all like to thank Outsourcing U for hosting this event. i am your moderator, Bill O’Reilly, and may i just state that Mrs. Bush, you look stunning tonight.
LAURA: thank you, Bill, but let’s keep the compliments to a minimum, or have you learned nothing from your recent events?
O’REILLY: no, i’ve learned plenty. make sure you’re not being taped when you’re saying things you shouldn’t! anyway, the first question is –
TUHRAYZUH: Bill, what about me? you didn’t say that i am stunning. I’LL SHOW YOU STUNNING! [whips out her stun gun and zaps O'Reilly.]
LAURA: Tuhrayzuh, any more outbursts like that will put you straight into time out.
TUHRAYZUH: you shut up! i will burst out like that when i want.
JENNA: uh UH! she did NOT just tell my momma to shut up! [runs onstage and starts toward Tuhrayzuh]
LAURA: Jenna Bush, sit down right this instant. [Jenna stops in her tracks and sits back down.] Barbara Sr., do you think you can handle up on the girls? i’m a little busy debating this… lady.
BARBARA JR.: Jenna, mom is totally gonna kick your butt when we get home!
JENNA: whatever, Barbara. i was ready to pistol whip that foul-mouthed witch, and where were you? knitting with Grama.
BARBARA SR.: girls, that’s enough. and Jenna, knitting is an honorable hobby; at least your sister is not dancing around listening to that hop-hip Reese’s Pieces boy.
JENNA [rolling eyes]: Gram, how many times do i have to tell you? Eminem.
SARAHK: this is better than CSI: Miami.
O’REILLY: okay, ladies, let’s see if we can get this thing started. first question is for you, Mrs. Heinz. you recently tried to take a stab at librarians by saying you didn’t think Mrs. Bush had ever had a real job. that backfired on you. do you wish you’d never said that?
TUHRAYZUH: look. i said that she never had a real job because i thought she was just a stay-at-home mom. i was really trying to take a stab at the moms, it was nothing personal against Mrs. Bush. she’s a very nice library lady.
LAURA: Bill, I’d like to respond to that if i may.
O’REILLY: of course, beautiful.
LAURA: Mrs. Heinz, being a mom is a real job, the hardest job in the world. the only difference between the job of mother and any other job is that i worked my backside off and never had a vacation. even my sleepytime was interrupted every time Jenna crawled out her bedroom window to go kiss boys.
TUHRAYZUH: what are you talking about? being a mom is the easiest job in the world! look. you drop them at the day care while you go to your real job —
LAURA: your real job of what? heiress?
JENNA: BOOF! YOU GO, MOMMA!
LAURA: let’s use our inside voices, Jenna. Tuhrayzuh, you were saying?
TUHRAYZUH: yes, you send them to day care until they are old enough for boarding school. then you sip your mimosas and eat your bon-bons all day. what is hard about that?
O’REILLY: let’s move on, ladies. to the lovely Mrs. Bush goes the next question. do you think Mrs. Heinz is a bad person for saying that moms don’t work hard? and is that Chanel No. 5 perfume i smell? [moves closer to Laura]
LAURA: Bill, I’ll not tell you again to watch yourself. i have tear gas in my pocket, and i know how to use it. and Barbara’s packing heat.
O’REILLY: which Barbara?
LAURA: both. to answer your question… i don’t think Mrs. Heinz is a bad person, Bill. i think she’s a lonely heiress who married the man who provided her with the best hope of being the first woman in the White House who doesn’t tuck in her shirt nor brush her hair.
TUHRAYZUH: yes, that is true, a bit. but he also gave me the best hope of having free health care. that is something i need, free health care, and all the little neckid children in Florida should have it too. free health care and bottled water.
LAURA: free weekly visits to the beauty shop wouldn’t hurt some people, either. right, Tuhrayzuh?
TUHRAYZUH: you shove it, Laura.
LAURA: you are trying my patience more than George does when he blames his toots on the dog, Mrs. Sloppy Hair. oh, that reminds me, I brought you a gift.
TUHRAYZUH: a gift? i love gifts! is it money?
LAURA: no, not money. i brought you this hair serum, Frizz Ease. follow the directions on the back of the bottle, and you, too, can have shiny, sleek hair.
TUHRAYZUH: is it expensive?
LAURA: not too expensive.
TUHRAYZUH: oh. thank you anyway, Laura, i’m sure it was nice of you.
O’REILLY: our final question is for Mrs. K… Heinz. if your husband is elected president, what is the first thing you plan to do upon arriving at the White House?
TUHRAYZUH: that is an easy one, Mr. Bill. first, i will replace the rose garden with a garden of Fleur de Lys, which the commoners call irises.
LAURA: may i respond, Bill?
O’REILLY: uh, sure. i was hoping for more of a Just Say No kinda thing, but go ahead, Mrs. Bush.
LAURA: Barbara! stop whispering in SarahK’s ear, unless you plan to share with everyone in this auditorium!
BARBARA JR.: that’s ok, Momma, i’ll be quiet.
LAURA: Barbara, let me rephrase. as you have rudely interrupted this assembly by talking through Mr. O’Reilly’s response, you will share with everyone here. alright, what do you have to say for yourself, young lady?
BARBARA JR.: i was just telling SarahK that your shirt came untucked.
LAURA: you’re grounded.
BARBARA JR.: i’m twenty-two! i don’t even live at home anymore! you can’t ground me!
LAURA: corner. now. [Barbara goes to the corner.] please pardon my rude children, Tuhrayzuh.
TUHRAYZUH: oh, that’s ok. John’s slut daughters show their boobies through their dresses and prance around like floozies.
LAURA: i… have… no rebuttal for that.
O’REILLY: well, lovely lady — ladies — we appear to be out of time. i’d like to thank the Fox Network for airing this debate, as all of those lefty media outlets declined to show Mrs. Heinz opening her trap.
TUHRAYZUH: you’re an idiot, O’Reilly. i just want to say one more thing.
O’REILLY: by all means, Mrs. Heinz.
TUHRAYZUH: i just want to say that if America elects that moron i married, i will give cookies to all the little children. especially the African-American ones, because i myself am African-American.
LAURA: Bill, may i?
LAURA: i would like to appeal to the African-American voters out there and ask if this is the woman you want to be the first African-American first lady. i would also like to state that my husband, whom i love more than life itself, is the best man to lead this country for the next four years.
JENNA: GO MOMMA!
LAURA: JENNA BUSH! INSIDE VOICE!
JENNA: sorry, Momma. go Momma.
BARBARA SR. [under her breath]: i never yelled at my children.
LAURA [under her breath]: i heard that.
JENNA: Momma’s gonna kick your butt, Grama.
SARAHK: true dat.
E.D.: and there you have it, folks. y’all have just seen the only debate between the two choices for first lady. i think the choice is clear.
BRIAN: but this is FoxNews, so we won’t tell you what that choice is. but wasn’t Mrs. Bush full of class and poise tonight? unlike Teresa, i mean Tuhrayzuh, who was sloppy.
STEVE: but we’re FoxNews. we report. you decide.
BRIAN: Kilmeade, out!