clicky clicky to watch the Political Bohemian Rhapsody. i smiled out loud and went “eeeeee!”
thanks to Andy who reads here but never comments for the link.
clicky clicky to watch the Political Bohemian Rhapsody. i smiled out loud and went “eeeeee!”
thanks to Andy who reads here but never comments for the link.
as we all know, i’ve been working with the Mr. Ed & Fluffy campaign because i just feel so sorry for the Democrats, who have one of the worst presidential candidates in the history of elections. my previous attempts at helping these… um… candidates having failed, i gave it one last try tonight before the debate in Tempe. instead of waiting to be asked, i called the Kerry campaign headquarters in some town in Arizona. a little boy answered the phone.
LITTLE BOY: hello, Kerry campaign.
SARAHK: hello, may i sp–
LITTLE BOY: excuse me, ma’am, i wasn’t finished. please select from the following options. press one if you’d like to order a drive-by shooting at a Bush/Cheney headquarters. press two if you’d like to buy some ketchup. press three if you need a manicure, pedicure or highlights. press four if you have a problem that can be remotely blamed on President Bush or that Mean Man Dick Cheney. press five–
SARAHK: can i just tell you what i–
LITTLE BOY: ma’am, you do not interrupt while i’m going through my list. when i finish, you may have your turn.
SARAHK: how many options are there?
LITTLE BOY: seventeen. press five if you’d like to donate money to the losingest cause in the world today. press six if you have a bogus memo that you’d like to see on television. press seven if it’s a good enough forgery that the bloggers won’t be able to debunk it. press eight if you have a touching story about Christopher Reeve. press nine if you read blogs.
i pressed nine.
LITTLE BOY: please withhold all pressing until i have entered into evidence all seventeen items. press ten if Halliburton destroyed your life. press eleven if you have proof that Halliburton is to blame for the overpopulation of China. press twelve if you have any pictures of John Kerry running the Boston Marathon ever in his life. press thirteen if you have pictures of Tuh-ray-zuh Heinz with her hair fixed and her shirt tucked in. press fourteen if you need to sue someone. press fifteen if your lawsuit has potential for high punitive damage awards. press sixteen if you have advice for making hair prettier and more shiny. press seventeen if you have a picture of John Kerry in a sports setting not looking like a completely uncoordinated goober.
SARAHK: what if more than one option applies to me?
LITTLE BOY: press both numbers.
i pressed buttons.
LITTLE BOY: what numbers did you press?
SARAHK: nine and sixteen.
LITTLE BOY: you read blogs and have hair advice. let’s talk about the hair first. what do you recommend for shinier hair?
SARAHK: Garnier Fructisse shampoo and conditioner.
LITTLE BOY: ooo! i like that one, it smells yummy! i’ll give it a try. and you also read blogs. press one if you read Daily Kos. press two if you read Atrios. press three if you think Bill from INDC Journal is a big doody-head. press four if you think Frank J is a right-wing wacko. press five if you think–
SARAHK: i only read blogs written by members of the vast right-wing conspiracy. which option is that?
LITTLE BOY: that’s not an option.
SARAHK: listen, Skippy, i really need to speak with Senator Kerry.
LITTLE BOY: my name is not Skippy! it’s Johnny!
SARAHK: wait. is this Fluffy?
LITTLE BOY: there’s only one person that calls me Fluffy! Sally, is that you?
SARAHK: yes, it’s me.
JEDDY: you should have pressed option three for highlights. your roots are showing.
SARAHK: Fluffy, i’m calling to offer Senator Kerry some last-minute help for the debate tonight. is he around?
JEDDY: waaaahaaaaaaa! [whimpering] why do you hate me, Sally? [muffled voices] [sniffling] Sally, i have to go, i’m in trouble.
SARAHK: why are you in trouble?
JEDDY: they told me if i cried in public again, i’d have to watch FoxNews for four hours.
SARAHK: will you survive it?
JEDDY: i might, but only if that evil Bill O’Reilly isn’t on.
SARAHK: well, good luck.
JEDDY: here’s Snookums.
SARAHK: who? [muffled voices again]
JKERRY: Sal? is that you?
SARAHK: finally! y’all should never let Fluffy answer the phone.
JKERRY: well, my staff are all having a team-building day at the Grand Canyon, and for phone operator we had to choose between Snuggly Bear and Lucifer.
JKERRY: that’s my pet name for Tuh-Ray-Zuh, she loves it, says it makes her feel powerful. anyway, what can you do for me, Sally?
SARAHK: i thought i’d help you with debate preparations. and it’s a good thing i called, too. i’m sure you’ve heard the latest poll numbers…
JKERRY: yes! yes, Sally! i’ve heard that Halliburton is close to buying the Ohio and Pennsylvania votes! but don’t worry about that, Sal; Michael Moore and MoveOn.org have bought ad space for tonight on all of the major news networks, except Fox — some rubbish about truth in advertising. these ads tonight will tell everyone the truth about Laura Bush.
SARAHK: what truth is that?
JKERRY: Laura Bush… Sally, this might be hard for you to hear, i know you like books and Mrs. Bush is a librarian…
SARAHK: i’ll try to cope.
JKERRY: Sal… Laura Bush [voice decreases to a hushed whisper] watches Martha Stuart.
JKERRY: Sally! don’t you see? [irate yelling in the background] excuse me a moment, Sally. Tuh-Ray-Zuh, would you keep it down! i’m preparing for the debate!
TUH-RAY-ZUH: you shove it, you idiot! who is on the phone? is it Susan?
JKERRY: yes, Lucy, it’s Sally.
[loud noises, sounds like phone was dropped]
JKERRY: no! Tuh-Ray-Zuh! step away from the phone! Sally! hang up, i’ll call you back!
TUH-RAY-ZUH: Susan? hi, i just want to say that i forgive you for calling me Mrs. Kerry before, it’s no problem.
SARAHK: uh, thanks.
TUH-RAY-ZUH: ok, while i have you on the phone, i need to ask for your help.
SARAHK: is this a joke?
TUH-RAY-ZUH: no, no joke! see, i have a debate of my own coming up, and they say i’m brash and out of control and that they’ll let me have my own bedroom at the White Mansion on January 20 if i’ll take some etiquette lessons from you before my debate.
SARAHK: who are you debating?
TUH-RAY-ZUH: Laura Bush. they say she tucks in her shirt and combs her hair, so i have to too.
SARAHK: well, Fluffy can handle your makeover…
TUH-RAY-ZUH: right, but i have to also learn some… um… matters? no… um… what’s that word? martyrs? um…
TUH-RAY-ZUH: yes! manners. and this is going to be on television–
SARAHK: really. what stations are carrying it?
TUH-RAY-ZUH: BET only. because i’m African-American, you know.
SARAHK: right. ok, when’s the debate?
TUH-RAY-ZUH: next week. you can help me?
SARAHK: will you buy me an SUV?
TUH-RAY-ZUH: an SUV and all the ketchup you want!
will the new shampoo make Fluffy’s hair shinier? will Lucy brush her hair? will she endear herself to the… i’m sorry, i can’t type that, laughing too hard. will Laura Bush smack the back of Tuh-ray-zuh’s hand with a ruler? will John Kerry move America to boredom at the debate? will Fluffy cower in fear when Bill O’Reilly’s on tv? stay tuned…
Fluffy graphic by Cadet Happy
plus, it doesn’t hurt that Frank has Fluffy getting pile-driven by Evil Dick Cheney. hooray!
“But we all agree, that, whether it was a slam dunk, a body slam, or a pile driver,” Hume said, “Edwards’s head was driven through the table at great force after Cheney grabbed him.”
but you have to go read the whole thing to read my favorite part. hint: it has to do with 5-year olds. enjoy. :)
thanks to cadethappy for the graphic
after my disastrous meeting with John Edwards yesterday, John Kerry did everything he could to replace Gwen Ifill with Paula Abdul as moderator of tonight’s vice presidential debate. unfortunately, Paula was unable to attend, as she is deeply ensconced in season 4 of American Idol. so as soon as i arrived home from work today, helicopters alighted on my lawn, and a bunch of beauty school dropouts were banging on my door.
SARAHK [opening door]: what IS it? i’m trying to research sudden boob growth and would like to finish before the debate tonight!
BSD#1: ma’am, we need you to come with us, it’s an emergency.
BSD#2: no time to explain, but you’ll need to bring that curling iron that Fluffy is so fond of… and do you have any cream rinse? you might be on television tonight, and well, your hair, it’s… um… anyway, we can take care of it.
SARAHK: are y’all taking me to the debate?
BSD#1: yes, we need you to help BooBoo with last minute preparations. you know, fire him up a little, give him some confidence? will ya come?
SARAHK: y’all understand that Fluff ran away from me crying yesterday, right?
BSD#2: that was nothing. usually he crawls into his closet and sucks his thumb for days after such an incident; you’re so sweet that he was only mildly affected by your intelligence.
SARAHK: is there wi-fi access on that helicopter?
the heli was internet-ready, so off they swept me in the pink helicopter, and i must say, it was quite posh. pink feather boas lined the floor, there was a massage table against one wall, and all the seats were padded with periwinkle silk cushions. “Fluffy sure travels in style,” said i, and beauty school dropout #2 gave me a manicure. we landed at Amarillo International Airport and boarded an express jet to the debate. “wow, this is even nicer!” i exclaimed. the window shades were made of blue velvet, the floor was carpeted in baby blue suede, and the seats were pink Queen Anne-style chairs with lovely chiffon sashes for seatbelts. i was quite comfortable during the flight and even got a free paraffin-wax pedicure. “ahhhhhh, this is the life.”
when i arrived, Fluffy ran to meet the plane and jumped into my arms.
SARAHK: say, Fluff, you’re kinda heavy! wanna jump down before i punch you in the stomach?
JEDDY [hopping down]: i am NOT heavy! i’m on the Atkins diet and am a lean machine! you’ve lost your mind!
SARAHK: that’s twice today you’ve said that, you might wanna step back ‘fore i get all mental on your pinkytoe.
JEDDY [crying softly]: i’m sorry, Sally, it’s these meds i’m on! sometimes they make me say stuff, like calling people crazy. i’m gonna sue the drug company!
SARAHK: which one?
SARAHK: anyway, we probably need to get to work.
JEDDY: i am here for you, Sally.
SARAHK: shut up. i’m here for you. let’s go over some potential questions for the debate, k?
JEDDY: okay, but remember, i’m on the emotional meds that the evil corporation made me take, so go a little easy.
SARAHK: alrighty. what do you think about people who might vote for President Bush in this election?
JEDDY: they’ve lost their minds! [thud] ow! warn me before you punch me, i bruise easily!
SARAHK: i promise i will if you warn me before you say something stupid. next question. what do you think John Kerry will do better with regard to the American economy?
JEDDY: well, on day one, Tuh-ray-zuh says every child in America will have healthcare! that’s better economically! [!POW!] STOP HITTING ME, OR I’M GONNA TELL! WAAAAAHAAAAAAAAHH!
SARAHK: do you want me to help you or not? Mr. Evil Halliburton Man is probably going to bite you, so you must prepare!
JEDDY [sniffling]: okay. but can i go inside and get my teddy bear?
SARAHK: they’re not going to let you have that when you’re seated inside the auditorium.
JEDDY [whispers]: what about paper towels? surely that will be okay?
SARAHK: yeah. so what do you say to people who think the economy is doing well and in recovery mode?
JEDDY: DOING WELL? THEY’RE OUT OF THEIR MINDS!
SARAHK: MAKEUP! BEAUTY BOYS, WE NEED MAKEUP!
JEDDY: why, is my eyeliner smeared?
SARAHK: no, but you’re gonna need about a pound of coverup for that black eye of yours.
JEDDY: what bla– OWWWWWWW!
SARAHK: sorry, it’s the crazy in me. listen, Fluffy, i think the best thing for you to do during this debate is to just repeat everything Dick Cheney says. it’s your only chance of saying something that makes any sense, and they say you’ve got more hair and charm [laughs uncontrollably] than the vice president, so people might be happier hearing it from you.
JEDDY: that’s a good idea. but i was hoping to wear ear plugs while he speaks so i don’t hear his voice. it’s like hearing Volde — He Who Must Not Be Named speak. it scares me, and i just… [sob]… feel… [sob]… so… [whimper]… ALONE! AUNTY EM! AUNTY EM! SAVE ME! TOTO! [whimper] where are you, Toto? [more sobbing] somewhere over the rainbow… bluebirds fly… [sniffle]… birds fly over the rainbow… why… then o why… can’t iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii [raises palm to sky]
just then one of Fluffy’s advisors tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a note.
Dear Ms. Keller, We thank you for trying to help Fluffy. Please note that he’s never been in the Congress. We have arranged it so you will ask all questions during this debate, and you will undergo fast costume changes between questions. Terry M. will provide you a list of questions as you pass him on your way into the auditorium. He awaits you in the shadows.
p.s. please stop hitting Fluffy, he bruises easily.
* thanks to cadethappy for the graphic. *
p.s. i, for some reason, thought this was to be a town hall debate. hence the costume changes.
my phone rang this morning before i left for work.
JKERRY: hello, Sally? hi, it’s John Kerry. how are ya?
SARAHK: i’m great, thanks. how are you, John — i mean, James?
JKERRY: oh, i’m wonderful! did you see how well i did in the debate Thursday night? i really wiped the floor with that George Washington!
SARAHK: do you mean George Bush?
JKERRY: whatever, Sally! it was great! he said ‘uh’ so many times that no one noticed my immediate flip-flop!
SARAHK: you mean the one where you said that the war in Iraq is a mistake, then said that the troops aren’t dying for a mistake?
JKERRY: oh, you caught that? funny, big news didn’t make much mention of it. tell the truth, Sally. you have TiVo, right?
SARAHK: yes. is there a reason you called?
JKERRY: ah, yes, Sally. see, you’ve helped me so much with my own preparations in the past that i hoped you’d do me a favor and help Fluffy get ready for his debate against the Evil Dick Cheney. he needs a lot of work, and there’s only so much a hairdresser can do for you.
SARAHK: ouch. i don’t know if i’m up for that, Senator, i’m reading this new book, see, and i’m not sure i can put it aside for the amount of time that preparing Fluffy would require. Cheney doesn’t have the public-speaking problems that W has, and Fluffy, well, he’s all fluff. i think you’re screwed. the good news is, no one except bloggers will be watching that debate, and the only reason we’ll watch is so we can make fun of Fluffy on Wednesday.
JKERRY: but that’s what i’m talking about, Sally. now that some of the media, such as the Partisan FoxNews, has started paying attention to bloggers, I’m afraid they’ll actually report you little people making fun of Johnny Boy, and i can’t have that. not after the amazing defeat i scored on Thursday night.
SARAHK: Senator, you didn’t score any homeruns Thursday night. the only thing you did was show people you can flip on demand, flop inconspicuously, and hide your pansy-hood behind something called a Global Test.
JKERRY: well, i might not have scored a homerun, like my beloved Boston Bruins did the other night, but i certainly got a first down! that’s a start!
SARAHK: anyway, i think Cheney’s gonna make Fluffy look like a toy poodle tomorrow night, but i’ll do what i can. tell him to call me.
when i arrived home this evening there was a knock at my door. i look a lot better than i did yesterday, and i opened the door, expecting the lawnmower guy.
SARAHK: you’re not the lawnmower guy.
JEDDY: no, i’m not. i’m John Edwards, Esquire. are you Sally?
SARAHK: something like that. i suppose the nice thing would be to let you in.
JEDDY: well, yes, if that’s ok with you. i wouldn’t want to invade your space.
SARAHK: but what if i deserved it?
JEDDY: i would still want your permission. i’m a nice guy.
SARAHK: hmm. is that why you and your kind keep driving up healthcare costs with your malpractice suits?
JEDDY [starts sobbing]: why do you hate me?
SARAHK: oh, my bad, little sissy boy, i’m helping you prepare for the debate. you think i’m harsh? Dick Cheney will eat you alive if you start snivelling like that. now dry yer eyes and quit yer whinin’, or there’s nothing i can do for you.
JEDDY: yes ma’am. do you have a teddy bear that i can hug while i’m here? i left mine on my private jet.
SARAHK: no, i only have a kitty cat, and she doesn’t like Democrats.
JEDDY: what about a roll of paper towels. i could hug that?
SARAHK [tosses paper towels]: fine, here. now. if you’re going to have any chance against the Vice President, you’re going to have to focus. this means if he sneers at you, you have to pretend he smiled at you and just smile back. kill ‘em with kindness, you know?
JEDDY: but i don’t like killing! it’s bad!
SARAHK: let me rephrase. if he sneers at you, you smile back, and that makes the debates bi-lateral. mkay?
JEDDY: now you’re speakin’ my language.
SARAHK: no self-respecting Texan could ever speak your language.
JEDDY [sobbing again]: WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! why do you hate me, SallyK?
SARAHK: i have to toughen you up for tomorrow! see, you could have used my little insult there and said something like, “i like your hair, SarahK.”
JEDDY: but your roots. they’re starting to show, and your natural waves? not the best look for you. maybe i could help you with that when you’re through — ouch! why did you hit me? [really crying hard] WAAAAHAAAAAHAAAA! i’m not sure i’m up for this, SallyK.
SARAHK: i’m not sure either, Fluffy. here. let’s try this. pretend the TV is Dick Cheney —
JEDDY: well, he is on FoxNews right now… WAAAAAAAHAAAAAAHHHH! make it stop, Sally! he’s so big and mean and scary! and i can just see Halliburton oozing from every pore! me scared. [cowers down, hugging the paper towels ever more snugly].
SARAHK: there there. pay attention, Fluff. i’ll ask you a question, and you look straight ahead at me and answer the question. pretend that Mr. Evil isn’t even over there. act like it’s just you and me. you’re the lawyer, i’m the judge, and Evil Dick Cheney is in an undisclosed location where he can’t harm anyone. k?
JEDDY [whimpering]: okay. go ahead.
SARAHK: okay. Mr. Fluffy, if you are Vice President, and evil terrorists attack the United States, and the President is the prime assassination target in the world, what do you think you should do?
JEDDY: sue those mean ol’ terrorists! take them to the International Court and let Kofi tell them that they have to pay us money!
SARAHK: do you think that will prevent future terrorist attacks?
JEDDY: well, it will make them poor, and they can’t afford to attack us again if they’re poor!
SARAHK: um… next question.
JEDDY: did i pass?? did i get it right?? [starts jumping around and dancing with my paper towels] i did, didn’t i! i’m so excited! and i just can’t hide it! no no no no no! i’m about to lose control and i think i like it!
SARAHK [dials phone]: hello James? unless Paula Abdul is moderating tomorrow night, Fluffy’s gonna get kil’t. and you owe me a roll of paper towels.
JKERRY: oh, that’s great, Sally! Tuh-ray-zuh is African-American, too! i’ll have her give Paula a call. wow, thanks for your help on this one, i really owe you. au revoir!
SARAHK: bye. Fluffy! don’t use my curling iron for a microphone!
JEDDY: i want to love you, feel you, wrap-a myself around you…
SARAHK: Fluffy, Dick Cheney just called, he’s on his way over here.
JEDDY: WAAAAAAHAAAAAAHHHHH! bye, Sally! [runs away screaming.]
John Kerry just saluted the flag of CBS and placed his hand over his heart and recited the following:
i pledge allegiance to myself
and all the French people in America
and to the People’s Republic for which i stand
one commune under Allah
innuanceable with liberalty and self-tanning lotion for all!
RightWingDuck is petitioning for help with his gimmick to increase traffic. sounds like a plan, Ducky, especially since i’m not available to be your t-shirt babe (y’all can’t all be so lucky as Frank).
Harvey posed the question : what will the “new” George Bush memos reveal about W? after i share what i have learned, you’ll all be asking “Powerline Footballs INDC who?” this is huge information, and i obtained it from the
original secondary source himself!
as y’all know, i’ve been on the campaign trail with John Kerry recently, hoping to help his numbers enough to bring the American public another juicy election court-battle circus this November. so i called the senator himself to find the answer to Harvey’s question.
“what!” demanded the voice on the other end of the line.
“hi, Mrs. Kerry, may i speak w–”
“YOU DON’T CALL ME THAT! WHO IS THIS! I DEMAND YOU TELL ME, WHO ARE YOU, YOU IDIOT?”
i hung up on Tuh-raaaay-zuh, because truth be told, that woman is a little scary; i’m sure glad the Heinzes can’t afford caller ID, or i’d have been in trouble. i called back, this time lowering my voice a bit.
“Heinz residence, Tuh-raaaaay-zuh speaking! who is this!”
“hello, Mrs. Heinz, i’m calling for the senator, may i speak with him?”
“no, you shove it!”
i heard muffled voices, then heard the receiver hit the floor. a different voice answered. “hello, who is speaking?”
“you are, sir. is this the senator?”
“no, ma’am, i’m afraid the senator is not available right now. he’s in the… uh… ballroom… with the lead pipe.”
“he’s playing Clue, ma’am. who’s speaking?”
“oh, sorry, this is SarahK, i’ve been trying to help the senator’s campaign. who is this?”
“this is Bill Bur– i mean, this is… um… Bob.”
“Bob… Sponge. Bob Sponge, ma’am. may i leave a message for the senator?”
“yes, will you tell him that SarahK called, and i need information regarding some memos.”
Bob Sponge’s voice deepened and became cold. “what memos.”
“i heard that new memos have been discovered, and these memos reveal some pretty damaging information about President Bush. i would like to see the memos and help the senator use them in a way that would maximize their effect on the election. do you have any information about these memos?”
“i don’t personally know anything about them, SarahK, but i know the person who got them from the person who st– found them.”
“great, can you give me a name so i can get in touch with him/her? is it Lucy Ramirez again?”
“no, Bill Clinton, he’s a great source of information. unimpeachable, actually.”
“um, sir, he was impeached.”
“so it would seem. anyway, Bill is here at the Heinz house helping the senator get a clue, i mean, playing Clue with the senator. i’ll see if either of them can be disturbed.”
after a few moments of silence, i heard heavy breathing on the other end of the line.
“ah, who is this again?”
“this is SarahK, Mr. Clinton. we’ve never met.”
“oh, i’d remember a hot little voice like that, baby. can you give me a physical description? it will help me listen.”
“um, no, sir. could you put the senator on the phone? i have questions regarding some incriminating memos about W.”
“he’s currently occupied, SarahK. Teresa is whippin’ his butt in the foyer with the candlestick. but ol’ Wild Willie, well, he’s always here to do your bidding. what can i tell you about these documents?”
“for starters, what do they say?”
“yes, well. i’d love to tell you, Darlin’, but i’m not allowed to disclose the contents of the memo to anyone whose face i haven’t seen. do you have a webcam?”
“uh, no sir. i don’t see what purpose that will serve, anyway. please. the documents.”
“come on, baby, show a little leg!”
“no! can you tell me where these new memos came from?”
“that’s the great part, Foxy, that’s how we know they’re authentic this time. they came straight from the National Archives!”
“really. how did you get them? i heard that these are originals, and i’m just wondering how — wait, does this involve Sandy Berger?”
“yuk yuk yuk. you’re a smart little cookie, aren’t you, SarahK? i’ll bet you’ve got a nice little bod, too, sweetheart.”
“could you put the senator on the phone? is Mrs. Green done with him?”
“hang on there, baby,i’ll check.”
the senator’s voice finally came on the other end of the phone. “uh yes, hello, this is John Kennedy speaking.”
“hi, John, it’s SarahK.”
“Sally, how many times do i have to ask you to call me James? but don’t worry about that, how are you, Sal?”
“i’m fine, sir. i was just talking to Mr. Clinton about the documents that Sandy Berger stole from the national archives. what kind of damaging information about W is on these documents?”
“oh, yes, Sally, this information, i tell ya, it’s gonna put the final nail in the coffin of the Kerry campaign.”
“do you mean the W campaign?”
“right, Sandy, the W campaign is really going to suffer. you know, W stands for Waffle.”
“but sir, aren’t you the one who is known for Waffling?”
“well, yes, and that’s why i’m so confident that we’re going to win this election! the fact that W stands for Waffle is just a sign that we’re going to make it to the White House in January. W also stands for White House.”
“ok, whatever. so tell me about the memos. what’s in them?”
“alright, i’ll tell you, Sally, but you have to promise not to share this scoop with anyone. i promised CBS that they could break this story, you know, to redeem that anchor guy, uh, Don Rickles.”
“what does he have to do with this? anyway, the new memos, Sally — are you ready for this?”
“no, i’m sure i could never be ready for what you’re about to tell me.”
“ok, i’ll tell you anyway. we learned five things about George Warmonger Bush from these stolen memos. first, he doesn’t know how to ride a horse.”
“please tell me you’re going to build up to the big stuff.”
“big, Sally? this is huge! the man lives on a ranch and doesn’t even know how to ride a horse! the man is living a lie!”
“second, we learned that Laura Bush — that perfect hair? it turns out, she uses Romaine.”
“as in lettuce? do you mean Rogaine?”
“Sally, it gets better. the daughters, Jona and Bambi, the twins? they’re not identical. can you believe the lies they’ve been feeding us all these years? i’m telling you, Sally, this will be devastating to the Waffle House.”
“uhhhh, what’s next?”
“did you know he traded Sammy Davis Jr. when he owned the Texas Wranglers?”
“yes, in Texas, we’ve never forgiven him for it. but that’s hardly going to decide the election. we knew this before we ever elected him to the White House, and he got over 60% of Texas’s popular vote in spite of the Sammy Sosa thing.”
“now that’s one i hadn’t heard, Sally. what’s this Sammy Sosa thing you’re talking about?”
“nevermind, it’s nothing. what’s your #5?”
“you’d better sit down for this one, Susie,” said Mr. Kerry. “are you sitting down?”
in the background, i heard, “ask her what she’s wearing!”
“i’m sitting down, James.”
“this next one is a doozy, i’m tellin’ ya, Sally. it turns out that the President can actually pronounce ‘nuclear’ correctly.”
“yes! i know! i know! he’s been pronouncing it wrong for the comic value all along!”
“you don’t say.”
“that’s right. this election is in the bag. oh, hey, i gotta go, Susie, Bill and i are going to the Boston White Sox game tonight, and Tuh-raaay-zuh said i have to be out of the house by 7, or i can’t use her SUVs for a month.”
i heard a woman’s voice on a second extension. “John, are you talking about me, you scumbag? you shove it!”
i hung up the phone and took a scalding shower. i felt so dirty.
after his disastrous speech in Albuquerque to the New Mexicans, i told Mr. Kerry that perhaps he should quietly exit New Mexico and move on to Aurora, Colorado, where he was next scheduled to speak. he agreed that things weren’t going swimmingly, and we all hopped in his environmentally-friendly jet. en route to Colorado, Mr. Kerry introduced me to the rest of the passengers.
“kids, kids. let’s all settle down now. i want to introduce someone to you, someone i’ve known for years, a dear friend. everyone, this is Susan Keller.”
at this point, i was beginning to realize that the senator botches everything, not just football-related names. “um, actually, Senator, my name –”
“– what Susan wants to say, underlings, is that her name is nuanced. sometimes it’s Susan, and sometimes, she prefers to go by Susie. so we’re going to give her a two-sided name tag to wear. whenever she wants you to call her Susie, she will wear the Susie side of the name tag, and when she wants to go by Susan, she’ll flip it over to that name. everybody dig? and do you notice how i said ‘dig’ and how that makes me hip and down?”
cheers erupted throughout the plane, and i took my seat. the stewardess came, and i thought, hooray! i’ll have a Coca-Cola!
“how do you spell Susan, miss?”
“and how do you spell Susie?”
the flight was short, thank goodness, and we were in Aurora.
“everyone, i just want you poor people who work for me to know that i was born in Colorado, i was! right here in Colorado at Fitzgerald Air Force Hospital. that’s right! right there in the East Wing.” the senator couldn’t even figure out his own birthplace, and i was starting to worry that this trip was turning into a waste of time.
“Sally, why don’t you come with me, and i’ll practice my speech before the Town Crier meeting on you.”
i bumped into Tuh-raaaay-zuh on the way out of the plane. “sorry, Mrs. Kerry.” i had to run away fast, because she was livid at my calling her by her married name. “YOU CALL ME MS. HEINZ! MY NAME IS NOT KERRY, YOU SCUMBAG!” she was shaking an umbrella at me, and i was afraid i knew what she’d do with it were she near enough to me, so i tried to avoid her the rest of the day.
i let Mr. Ed practice his speech on me, which wasn’t a great idea, because the next thing i knew, he was shaking me awake. “wha? i’m sorry, John, i must have… uh… well, you said something about Wrongie, and that must have bored me.”
“well, that is understandable. but it’s time now, so let me know how this speech goes, alright, Sandy?”
the senator was in top form when he started out.
“We all know what W stands for, right? It stands for Wranglers!”
they were cheering, but i was confused, as i thought surely the senator had once said it stands for Wrong.
“That’s right! Wranglers, because George Wranglers Bush is just a cowboy who wants to … uh … spend 7 seconds… um… riding a cow… excuse me for one moment.”
the senator walked over to my chair. “Sally, what is it they do at rodeos? you’re from Texas, right?”
“well, James, they ride bulls, if that’s what you’re getting at. but they try to stay on for 8 seconds, not 7.”
“even the nuanced ones? none of them try to go for 7 seconds?”
“none. but Senator–”
“uh, sorry, Representative. anyway, i’m not sure where you’re going with this illustration. maybe you should just go to your next point, if you have one.”
“right. thanks, Sandra.”
“I apologize for the interruption. Sally over there was motioning to me, she needs to know where the bathrooms are. Anybody know?”
the Democrats all pointed in different directions, not surprising. i just shook my head.
“So, as I was saying, George Wranglers Bush is a cowboy who wants to ride a bull for 9 seconds so he can show everyone how strong America is. Now do we want a president who wants to show off America’s strength?”
yes!! i watched this next part unfold in horror, as the senator was so into his speech that it took him a while to discover that the town hall meeting was not going so well.
“That’s right! And that’s why you should vote for me! I will show the world how strong America is! Say, speaking of Cowboys, I know you here in Colorado are Denver Browns fans! Well I am, too; after all, I was born here, and I always root for the home football team! It was so heartwarming to see John Edwards win the Lombard Trophy, and I even bought an SUV from him later! Actually, I love all Colorado teams! Especially the hockey team, the Colorado Nordiques, they are so awesome! I loved it when Ray Bradbury finally won Stanley’s Cup! I was even there, at the Mr. Pibb Center, it was magical! And most evenings when I’m skipping out on my duties as a representative from the great state of Colorado, I sit back on my 100% leather couch and watch the McNuggets play! What a team! And I absolutely cannot lie in my 24-karat gold bed at night until I’ve checked the latest Colorado Diamondbacks scores! I felt truly blessed when they won the World Cup a few years ago. That Randy Jackson, he sure can pitch!”
maybe he should have been watching the crowd during the speech, because he would have known long before he finished that the only people left in the theater were his employees. but alas, his wife was a bit distracting during his talk, and even i had a hard time watching him instead of her.
the senator walked over to me, distraught at how the day had turned out. “Sharon, that one seemed to go a little better, but i’m still having a hard time keeping them in their seats. do you think it was me? or was it perhaps MRS. MONEYBAGS OVER THERE WHO HAD TO BE RESTRAINED BY SECURITY DURING MY SPEECH!”
Tuh-raaaayy-zuh walked over and smacked Mr. Ed on the head with her umbrella. “John, you shove it!”
“what did i do? why was security restraining you during my speech? and call me James!”
“you were lucky, you idiot! i was distracting the audience from you saying stupid things! you told them all that you have a 24-karat bed! how could you? everyone knows that is MY bed! they’re going to think i sleep with you!” she whacked him over the head with her umbrella again and tried to swipe at me, but i ducked in time. she stomped off.
“Lovey, don’t walk away angry! i’ll wear that blue bunny suit tonight if it will help! Susan, she only lets me sleep with her when i wear that silly costume.”
“too much information, James…. can i give you some advice? i think i’ve determined why you’re not hitting with some of the crowds.”
“sure, Sheri, i’ll try anything, even reading if i have to.”
“i think you should avoid any and all references to sports.”
“but that’s when i really get fired up! i just wished i’d remembered to talk about Sammy Sosa hitting his 700th home run. what a player, huh? you know, Tuh-raaay-zuh is also African-American.”
“you should never ever speak of sports again.”
“so what you’re saying is, i should stick to things like religion and guns, things like that?”
“well, what would you say about religion?”
“for starters, i’m Catholic, you know, so i can talk about the Pipe, Jimbob the Third, and how he is so full of wisdom and… light and… energy.”
“no religion. what would you say about guns?”
“well, i would talk about my AK-37 and how happy i am that the Assault Weapons Ban stayed effective even though George Weapons Bush tried to sunrise it.”
it was clear that the senator needed more help than i was able to provide, as i’m only licensed to practice accountancy. i patted him on the head and walked away.
Friday i didn’t go to work. shhh! don’t tell! i decided to take a three-day weekend so i could join John Kerry on the campaign trail. i figured he’s been having a rough go of it lately, so he could use some help; after all, i have nothing else to do in November and December, so i’d really like to have a presidential court battle to follow. and now that the Football Fans for Truth have come out against Kerry, i just feel downright sorry for the feller. once the Football Fans are against you, who can be for you? poor Mr.
so i joined the Kerry campaign Friday in Albuquerque and told Mr. Kerry i’d like to just observe for a while and figure out where my help is most needed. “sure thing, Miss Kisser, just let my butler Jeeves* know if you need anything. Tuh-raaaaay-zuh will also tell you where you can put your bag, right, Lovey?” “yeah, Susan, shove it.” i didn’t want to correct such rich people, so i let them call me whatever.
i lay low for awhile, just watching the candidate work his black magic. the first stop in Albuquerque was at an REI store parking lot. there were at least 12 people who turned out to hear Mr. Kerry’s important speeches. they were quite enthralled with him there at the REI store, the crowd was pumped.
“…and I want you to know, Albu… um… New Engl… New Mexico!”
cheers erupted over him getting the state right.
“Thank you! I want you to know that George Wrong Bush does not have your best interests in mind! George Wrong Bush, or Wrongie, as Tuh-raaay-zuh calls him, doesn’t want you to have brand-name backpacks! He doesn’t want you to own a Kelpy or a NorthNeck! Wrongie wants you to buy Wal-Mart brand!
“That’s right, he wants you to own an Equip backpack! That’s for poor people! And… uh… I love Wal-Mart and poor people!”
hooray for poor people! we’re Democrats! we love poor people! and Republicans hate poor people!
“That’s right! Republicans do hate poor people! But I, John Fitzgerald Kerry, I am a man of the people!!!
things were going really well, and the crowd was going wild.
“Yes! Yes! Just last night, I was telling Lovey that we need to go to more sporting events like the common people of New Mexico! In fact, we have tickets to see the New Mexico Patriots right here in Albuquerque on Sunday! Go Patriots! Go Patriots! Go–”
Mr. Kerry looked confused as the crowd quickly dissipated. he asked for my thoughts. “Sally, what do you think went wrong there? the crowd was so into me, and suddenly, they’re gone! i don’t understand, Sandy, i’m usually such a crowd pleaser…” the sad senator looked distraught, and i patted him on the head.
“well, Mr. E– Kerry, maybe you should use speech cards. i could hold up cue cards for you if you want.”
“why would i need those? i don’t have to read! i hire people to read for me!”
“yes, but sometimes you say the wrong thing.”
“i don’t know what you’re talking about, what did i say wrong?”
i motioned for him to sit down.
“i can’t sit there, on the curb, it’s dirty, and these are Armani pants! have you no shame, Stacy?”
“ok, Mr. Kerry, how about a nice park bench?”
“i suppose that will do. now what was this you were saying about me saying the W thing?”
“first off, you got your own name wrong. Fitzgerald was President Kennedy’s middle name, yours is Forbes.”
“Forbes, really? i could have sworn i was a Kennedy!”
“Forbes should be easy for you to remember, Mr. Kerry! it’s a rich name! like that Steve guy who tried to run for president. that should make it easy, just like phonics. okay?”
“ah yes! Steve Forbes! rich guy! Jeeves, call Steve Forbes and ask if i can borrow some money to buy an SUV.”
“another thing you said, Mr. Kerry–”
“please, call me James!”
“do you mean John?”
“uhhhh, sure. call me that.”
“ok, John, you also said you were going to a New Mexico Patriots game.”
“oh, i knew i was going to mess that one up! it’s not even hockey season, is it? stupid James!” he started smacking himself on the forehead.
“actually, the Patriots are a football team. but not in New Mexico. they’re the New England Patriots.”
“ah. i don’t follow football much. well, i guess i should have said something nice about the San Antonio Stars, the basketball team. i’m tall, so i like basketball.”
“please, call me James!”
“okay, actually, James, San Antonio is in Texas, and the team is the San Antonio Spurs.”
“but San Antonio is a Mexican sounding name, why isn’t it in New Mexico! i’m going to introduce a bill to get it moved! Jeeves! i want you to look up how to introduce a bill! and pronto, tonto, it’s very importante!”
“i thought you were French, sir.”
“yes, well, i brushed up on my Mexican for this trip.”
“how did you learn so quickly, James?”
“Sadie, hooked on Forbes worked for me.”
tune in later for more of my weekend with the presidential candidate.
you get your news in an instant in this the Pajamasphere. every 5 seconds there is a new rant to read. and unlike the MSM, we are all-ahead-full when it comes to retracting those evidentiary items we learn are, indeed, evidence of nothing more than someone getting duped.
here’s a prime example. Frank posted a new exclusive memo at 9:19 a.m. and before 10 a.m. EST, he had already had his pinkytoe fact-checked and conceded that the memo was, in fact, a blatant forgery.
if only Dan Rather would learn from Frank’s shining example.
via Drudge, i caught the Washington Post story about Dan Rather’s … whatever you call it, i don’t know big words, i’m just a dumb chick in my checkered Old Navy PJ bottoms and my alternating IMAO KTE: French and Dave Matthews Band 2002 Summer Tour t-shirts, sitting in her livingroom, watching FoxNews, that news channel that’s so openly conservative and pro-Bush that they might as well call themselves a 527 (not that i know what that is) and change their name to Fox That Conservative Channel That Loves President Bush and Hates John Kerry.
anyway, i didn’t really understand any of what Rather had to say, so i consulted some experts (i’d tell you who they are, but you don’t need to know. what’s important is that i know who they are, and i trust them, so you should too); these folks are experts on all things Rather and all things MSM — which stands for Me So Moronic. these authorities have been blessed by the High Power Himself (Rupert Murdoch), so i know that what they tell me is irrefutable and redundantly, unquestionable. i had to look up all three of those words in my encyclopedia.
i asked my experts to translate Rather’s comments from last night so that we of the Pajamasphere might understand, in our own tiny brains, what he really meant. here’s what they told me…
“If the documents are not what we were led to believe, I’d like to break that story,”
“If these Pajama Party Poopers actually fact-check my pinkytoe, I’d like to pull the plug on the internet and sequester anyone who knows the true definition of the word “fake” or the phrase “blatant forgery”. Those people must be stopped, as they are irresponsible to question the MSM.”
and we know what MSM stands for. he said more…
“Any time I’m wrong, I want to be right out front and say, ‘Folks, this is what went wrong and how it went wrong.’ ”
the rough translation…
“I am never wrong. The only people who would dare say I am wrong don’t have editors, also known as layers. Unlike me, who has layers. You know what else has layers? Parfait. And you don’t ever hear anyone say, ‘Man, I don’t like me no parfait.’ That’s because everyone likes me. Therefore, I could never be wrong. There is no question, and there shouldn’t be any question.”
wait! there’s more!
“This is not about me,”
“I made this about me when I dug my heels into the grave of Lt. Col. Killian and pounded my fists against my chest claiming to be the be-all end-all of information.”
i’m glad my experts cleared that up for me, because i was confused. then Rather said…
“I recognize that those who didn’t want the information out and tried to discredit the story are trying to make it about me, and I accept that.”
which apparently monopoly dollar – for – monopoly dollar means
“Now, this is about me and the main-stream media, or MSM, as those unchecked Boxer-Shorts Bloggers call us. I recognize that those who didn’t want me using lies and forgeries to get my moot point about irrelevant stuff that happened 30 years ago across tried to discredit me by proving that I do, indeed, wear a tinfoil hat and strain to hear frequencies only previously recognized by dogs and microwaves. And I accept that, because I like dogs, especially ones with fluffy tails. I also like Hot Pockets, which have to be heated in the microwave. But these so-called bloggers are just characters in my worst nightmares, fitting, since they all wear negligees when they write their false news stories. ”
i had to make a special request to my Rather authorities on that one, because i needed a definition (that’s what something means) of “false news stories”. they told me these are also known as “reports of actual facts.” this vexed me. as it turns out, a non-false”news” story, unless it appears on Fox That Conservative Channel That Loves President Bush and Hates John Kerry, is one that has “new” everything. new facts, with newly produced documents, having new evidence that never existed before it got to the news room, which has been newly renovated (made prettier).
the Washington Post article states…
Rather said he was “relieved and pleased” by Knox’s comments that the disputed memos reflected Killian’s view of the favorable treatment that Bush received in the military unit. But he said, “I take very seriously her belief that the documents are not authentic.”
and i learned that means
“Thus ends the story. It has been concluded, by the secretary who didn’t forge the memo that I presented in my story, that George W. Bush was, in fact, a privileged young man. Therefore, you must all disregard his four years in the Presidency and his previous years as governor of the miniscule state of Texas and base your vote on whether he showed up for National Guard Duty back when John Kerry was obtaining flesh wounds in Vietnam… Excuse me for one moment… This just in… Frank Francisco, a Texas Rangers relief pitcher, threw a chair into the stands during a baseball game and broke the nose of an Oakland A’s fan… Ladies and gentlemen, this is, obviously, a huge story, as George W. Bush was once an owner of the Texas Rangers Baseball Club. If this fact does not prove conclusively that George W. Bush is not fit to be President of the United States, I don’t know what would, except maybe a blatantly forged memo from a dead man. It is also important to note, ladies and gentlemen, that the last name of the pitcher is Francisco, obviously a reference to San Francisco; the only conclusion that can be drawn is that George W. Bush is, in fact, gay. Not that th– ”
wow, that pitcher’s first name is Frank! cool. oh, he said more…
If Knox is right, Rather said, the public “won’t hear about it from a spokesman. They’ll learn it from me.”
the cubic zirconium translation…
“If Knox is right about the content of the memo being accurate, I will be the one to report it. And everyone should believe me. Pardon me while I take this cell phone call… Hi, honey… What? We’re out of tinfoil? Ladies and gentlemen, I must inform you, though I am devastated to report such bad news, that George W. Bush has caused a shortage of aluminum in the United States. How this impacts the upcoming Presidential election, I do not yet know. But I vow to be the first to tell you.”
we all know about my little uncomfy moment this weekend with Michelle Malkin’s book… well, RightWingDuck has taken it upon himself to help defend her cause. he stands up for Michelle, and after reading his defense of interment, i don’t know how anyone can argue against it.
You see. People die every day. And when they do – what are we going to do with the bodies? Yep, thatâ€™s right. We have to inter them. Interment is a humane way to deal with the problem.
go read it, it’s quite thought-provoking.
when Frank and i went to the Grand Canyon together, i told him i am a great cook, an absolute truth; he told me i’d have to prove that if i wanted to be a contender. his favorite kind of food is Mexican food, and when i found out he was coming to visit during Hurricane Francis, i wanted to make him yummy Mexican food. only problem is, i don’t ever make Mexican food, except guacamole. so i turned to my dear Latino blogson, Ducky, for help. we’d been discussing Frank’s visit over email, so i petitioned:
btw, since you’re mexican, can you give me a good recipe with very detailed and specific instructions for making chimichangas? he hearts mexican food and chimichangas best of all.
my other mexican friend didn’t respond, and i wasn’t sure if my puerto rican friend could come up with a mexican recipe.
Here’s a family recipe.
1 pound ground beef or ground turkey
1 medium onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, miced
1 can (14-1/2 ounnces) whole tomatoes, drained, cut up
1/3 cup salsa
1-1/2 to 2 teaspoons chili powder
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme leaves
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon cayenne
1 cup refried beans
CRISCO Oil for deep frying
6 8-inch flour tortillas
3/4 cup shredded Monterey Jack cheese
Salsa, if desired
Brown ground meat, onion and garlic in electric skillet at 365ÂºF or in large heavy skillet on medium-high heat. Drain. Stir in tomatoes, 1/3 cup salsa, chili powder, thyme, salt and cayenne. Simmer at 300ÂºF or on medium-low heat for 10 to 15 minutes or until mixture is thickened. Stir occasionally. Remove from heat. Stir in refried beans. Heat 2 or 3 inches Crisco Oil to 365ÂºF in deep fryer or deep saucepan. Place 1/2 cup beef mixture in center of each tortilla. Fold opposite
sides of tortilla to center over beef mixture. Fold ends toward center. Secure with wooden toothpick.
Fry 1 or 2 at a time in oil heated to 365ÂºF. Fry 1-1/2 to 2 minutes, until golden brown. Turn as needed for even browning. Drain on paper towels. Sprinkle each with 2 tablespoons cheese. Serve immediately with salsa, if desired.
If you have any questions, just visit my family web site at
i’m so blessed with funny friends.
after the whole CBS debacle (too lazy to find you a link, but look anywhere, they’re aplenty!), Frank has done some investigating, and he has hit the forgery jackpot!
my Aunt Wanda forwarded me a waaayyy funny email. being a blonde, i
object relate. being a dark blonde who highlights, i deny that i would ever think of any of these. except maybe #1, because several times when i’ve had an ice cube stuck in my throat, i’ve turned on the hot water tap and taken a big gulp.
Ducky’s at it again with Part II of John Edwards’s Hair Corps adventures.
He remembers when he went to Basic Training and met his Shrill Sergeant for the first time.
â€œWelcome ladies and ladies to the US Hair Corps Root Camp. We will show you the basics of hair care. Let me just say this. Your mommy does not work here. Your hairdresser does not work here. You belong to us now, and we are going to make you US. Hair-men and Hair-women! You will be proud to wear the crossed combs on your lapel….”
more funny where that came from. go go go!