there are some people who should never be allowed to be around other people. they should be made to sit in rooms by themselves all day long, and no one else should ever have to be burdened by their presence. if these people must work — and hopefully they do have to work, because i would heavily pity the man or woman who had to live with them and support them — they should only be allowed to work from home. this way, they never emit their poison in the direction of other people, or at least the reception of their emission is significantly limited.
these people — you know the ones i’m talking about. the people who gain no greater joy than that which they derive from gossiping about other people, even their best friends. the ones who have a permanent scowl on their faces and whose smile muscles have begun to atrophy because they don’t use them on a consistent basis. those who don’t know how to communicate with people when communication requires civil conversation, who can’t say hi, how are ya, and mean it but would rather start off a day with such-and-such makes me so mad or i’m so sick of whatever’s ailing me today. the people who live their lives to viciously denigrate other people because it gives their pathetic, poisoned souls a higher stature (in their own black slit eyes) for that slight moment in time when they’ve accomplished with their daggers what they’ve set out to achieve.
these arsenic-mouthed immature arachnids shouldn’t be granted their high school diplomas until they’ve learned that in the real world, juvenile social games have no place; i hesitate to even compare these idiots to high school children, because kids are far more pure of mind and heart than these copperheads. should they somehow actually have enough brains to make it out of high school, they should not, under any circumstances, be allowed out of their pens on Mondays. period. after Monday, they should have to pass a test before being allowed any human interaction. this test should include a smile quiz, and said arachnids should have their venom tested for hate; if they can smile and mean it and keep their red hate cells in check, then perhaps they may face the world. but then the second that these scorpions start to regress and become back-stabbing, gossipmongering monsters of tiny brains and insignificant hearts, they should be thrown back in their little cages and forced to eat crickets and crawl around on their bellies where they belong.
i’ve never understood people who are so anxious to jump ahead, to climb the [insert your favorite - corporate, social, athletic, ecological] ladder, that they would rather treat every outsider with disdain and belittlement than to actually have meaningful friendships. i wonder if it would even affect their miniscule character banks to find out that one of their targets so loathes being in the same room with them, so looks forward to the 3:00 bell, that they’d rather eat cardboard for breakfast, lunch and dinner than eat the most luscious 6-ounce medium-cooked steak if eating the steak meant sitting at the lunch table with the scorpion.
yes, it probably would affect them. they would absolutely relish the news that their spittle has sprayed so effectively and so accurately into someone else’s face that they just might smile for once, turn a little cartwheel and jump over rainbows in gleeful ecstasy at the knowledge.
and may i just say that i would hope they’d fall right on their irrelevant backsides and break their tailbones after jumping over those rainbows. at the same time, i’d hope for a conversion. that all the pretty colors of the rainbow would put such a reverse damper on their dark little bubbles that they’d, for once, smile and mean it.
i actually hurt a little for these people. of course, they do it to themselves, because no man is happy who does not think himself so, as the saying goes. i don’t care what hand you’ve been dealt, what sacks you’ve been stuck carrying, what lopsided burden you’ve been given the heavy end of. if you can’t take the lemons and make limeade, it’s your own stinkin’ fault. get over yourself, stop whining about the crappy life you’ve been stuck with, and make the best of it you can. be. happy.
for what purpose is served by bitterness? what purpose is served by emanating your hatred to fill every room you enter? who on this great green planet is better for having known you? no one. how sad it must be to live your life, how horrible to wake up in the morning and know that you have no love to give, you make no one happy to be around you. how pathetic.
and why spend so much time worrying and whining and arguing about how things just aren’t fair? no. kidding. some people just get dealt the sorriest of hands, and some people turn up their cards to see four aces and a spare king. and you know which people are the most admirable? the ones who see a 2 a 5 a 7 a Queen and an 8 and bluff their way into the biggest pot-win in history. who make their situations great, with no help from the dealer. or who look at their hand and go “hey. at least i got to play, and thanks for letting me in on the game.” but if you’re dealt a 2 a 5 a 7 a Queen and an 8, and you moan and groan about how unfair life is, how miserable you are for always losing, well, you can go sit in the corner and watch while we let Tiny Tim take your place at the table.
God bless us everyone. even the venomous scorpions.
p.s. no scorpions were harmed in the making of this rant. and i heart everyone.
p.p.s. i’m just sayin’.