Category Archives: Twilight Saga

Thank you for indulging my obsessions

Someone awesome sent me this. There was no note, so I assume one of my awesome readers or Twitter followers sent it from my wishlist. Whoever you are, thanks so much. Please let me know who you are! I can’t wait to wear it to the midnight premiere of Breaking Dawn!

One thing I never noticed until I saw it in person–there’s a big old hand sitting on top of the Cullen crest. What is that about?

You know who can’t wait for June 30th?

Me. I can’t wait. Me me me me me.

If they ruin it by not showcasing Jasper, I’ll make you all endure awkward stares, and I’ll stutter. I WILL STUTTER.

watching New Moon with Frank

Frank told me last year that he kind of wanted to see New Moon, so I got all excited. He said he wouldn’t go at midnight with me, but maybe a week later when the crowds weren’t so bad. And then he saw the bad reviews and started hemming and hawing around, and eventually the movie was out of the theaters, and he was a bad sweetie. But he really wants to watch the New Moon RiffTrax, and since the DVD is mine, purchased with my allowance, I made him watch it with me regular once before we watch with RiffTrax. Here are his and my comments from our screening.

“Is that a Snuggie festival?”

“That’s a gay jacket he’s wearing. Velvet collars? Really, Edward?”

“Line…”

“When I asked for a gram and a mirror, this is not what I had in mind.”

“In a city of like 3000, how many can they afford to have die?”

“What, she didn’t trade up for better friends for this movie?”

“He always has such a gay little car.”

“If the secret to getting women really is being silent while staring awkwardly, I thought I had that down in high school.” “Well, it was your awkward internet staring that attracted me to you.”

“Hahahaha! ‘I’m slow-motion walking toward you.’ Hey, when our kid walks for the first time, we’ll put it in slow motion.”

“Why would anyone not want presents?”

“What is Alice wearing? She looks like a pregnant Raggedy Ann.”

“It’d be neat if they had a sign up here. ‘FORESHADOWING.’”

“All the girls, including Eric, are crying.”

“What kind of crappy teacher pauses the movie right before Romeo’s last line?”

(re: Caius) “I like the blond one. He’s got the fruitiest awkward stare.”

(Frank laughs when Bella says she could protect Edward if he makes her a vampire.)

(“It’s a necklace. Alice picked it out.”) “I don’t like you.”

“Alice apparently can’t predict papercuts.”

“Do it, Jasper, kill her!”

“He sure likes shoving people.”

“Jasper, you’re a failure.”

(“You’ve always been very gracious about us.”) “And stupid.”

(“If you believed as Edward does, could you take away his soul?”) “Yeah, I totally could.”

(“You’re not gonna want me when I look like a grandmother.”) “I don’t want you now.”

(“I don’t believe that.”) “‘I unt meree dat.’ If someone’s paying you to act in a movie, the least you can do is not mumble your lines.”

(“I love you.” “Love you.”) “Wow, say it like you don’t mean it, Edward.”

“He switched from the gay little pea coat to stupid blazers that don’t fit for this movie.”

(“We have to leave Forks.” “Why?”) “Because of your face.”

“Line…”

(“Just myself and my family.”) “And Kitty Fantastico.” “They don’t have a cat.”

(Frank laughs when Edward says not to do anything reckless.) “First thing she’s gonna do is go drunk driving.”

(“It’s not about your soul.”) “White people don’t have no soul anyway.”

“Haha. He abandons her in the woods so she won’t be able to find her way back.” “Yeah, and they’re standing right by her house when he leaves, and she still manages to get lost.”

“I don’t want you to come to any harm, so I’m abandoning you in the woods.”

“Squirrel! Have you seen Edward?”

(We laugh many times during Bella’s lost-in-the-woods scene.)

“Ooh. Wake up for that, Bella. You’re missing some fabulous pecs.” (that was me, if you’re wondering)

“Found the girl. Now can we look for my shirt?”

“She is not very nice to her ‘friends.’”

“Hey, you know who it’d be great for you to live with? Your mother.” (And then we laugh 30 seconds later when Charlie tells Bella she’s going to live with her mother.)

(“You hate shopping.”) “You also hate Jessica.”

“Charlie’s cop mustache is pleased.”

(re: Jessica) “I hope a vampire kills her soon.”

“Where are you GOING?” (reference to Twilight RiffTrax)

“She is stupid.” “Duh. She’s Bella.”

(“I brought you something. It’s a little crazy.”) “It’s scissors. For your hair.”

(“Of course it’s stupid and reckless. When do we start?”) “We’re talking about having sex, right?”

“No, a white man killed all our girls.”

(“You’ve gotta learn to love what’s good for you.”) “Like fiber.” “Like my mustache. It won’t stop growing, so…”

(re: Sam staring at Jacob, waiting for him to join his gang) “Maybe he’s staring at your long hair, waiting for you to cut it.”

“Closeup of Sam’s abs! Good cameraman!” (me)

“Shouting ‘whoa’ does not make it go slower. It’s not a horse.”

“Hahahaha. She has to find a rock.”

(“You’re apologizing for bleeding?”) “For living, in general.”

(re: Face Punch) “I mean, that’s the best action movie title they can come up with?” “I’d watch it.”

“That movie actually sounds interesting.”

“Wow. She’s got the sissiest friends.”

(“I’m not like a car that you can fix up.”) “Cars have value.”

“Bad dog! Down, boy!”

(“Jacob, I need you.”) “Yeah, I’ve got these abandonment issues, where people abandon me…”

(“You cut your hair off? And got a tattoo?”) “That’s so gay!”

(“How about those filthy bloodsuckers you love? The Cullens.”) “Oh, I’m glad you clarified which bloodsuckers you meant. I thought you meant mosquitoes.”

(“You’ve lied to everyone. Charlie…”) “I can’t name anyone else. You don’t talk enough to your friends to lie to them.”

(“I can’t be your friend anymore.”) “Because of your pale face.”

(“I used to be a good kid. Not anymore.”) “I’ve taken up with childhood obesity.”

“She doesn’t have anyone to stare at right now, so they show clips of her staring from the last movie.”

(“Lie.”) “I’d have to think to lie.”

“Why isn’t he sparkling?” “It’s not sunny. It’s overcast. Or maybe only white vampires sparkle.”

(“Don’t be afraid. I’m doing you a kindness.”) “You’re doing the whole world a kindness, Laurent.”

“Snausages!”

“He looks like he’s skateboarding.”

(“I saw them in the woods.”) “What are woods?”

“You know, Jacob, you could text me that you’re outside. You don’t have to throw rocks at my window and scare the crap out of me.”

(“Bella!”) “Oh. I was looking for Bela Lugosi. I hate vampires!”

(Jacob climbs into Bella’s room.) “Parkour!”

(“I hate what they’ve done to you!”) “Now you’re no longer asexual and non-threatening.”

(“You remember when we walked on the beach at La Push?”) “Oh, you caught that, did you?”

(“No, I’m in it for life.”) “What, you joined the Crips?”

“I can’t just run away from it. I’m a Native American, not a Native Frenchman.”

“I know the truth, Jacob. You’re a zombie.”

“She put 2 and 2 together when she saw a wolf in a wheelchair.”

(Sam’s pack starts laughing at Bella.) “Just thinking of the Simpsons episode I saw last night.”

“Be careful not to get too near the wolves, Bella. If you get their blood on you, you might get a computer virus.”

(“Alice, is it possible that all the myths are true?”) A leprechaun should just come out of nowhere and say, “Oh, everything’s alright, milady.”

(“We can hear each other’s thoughts.”) “That’s what we learned about wolves on the Discovery Channel.”

(“We’re faster than vampires.”) “And hairier and less pale.”

“What are you doing wearing a shirt?”

(“So you’re a werewolf?”) “We prefer to be called Native Canines.”

(“It’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella. I was born this way.”) “And I’m also a werewolf.”

(“Your lack of confidence in us is a little insulting.”) “So’s your face.”

“What is it with Native Americans and lying?”

“Bury my heart at Wounded Knee!”

“Being a vampire looks like fun. She’s just flipping around, doing swan dives…”

(Victoria is coming at Bella in the water, Bella hits her head.) “And then Victoria just decided Bella was too pathetic to kill.”

“Usually a human body’s buoyant, but she must have had a couple of burritos or something.”

“No mixed signals there. Leaning in for a kiss and then stopping. You’re not a tease at all, Bella.”

(“I’m not gonna let him kill himself out of guilt.”) “Yeah, I don’t care if he kills himself out of guilt.”

“Now he’s gonna provoke them. ‘You’re doody heads!’ ‘We’ll kill you!’”

(“He’s gonna show himself to the humans.”) “And they’ll be like, ‘Wow! He’s glittering! He must be a vampire!’” (all said in hick accent, which he probably thinks is an Italian accent)

“This is just so contrived. ‘Oh no! Annoying girl who always looks like she’s gassy is dead! I’m gonna kill myself!’”

“Look at her coppin’ a feel on everybody.”

“They both like to jump to conclusions and commit suicide. They’re perfect for each other.”

(“I just couldn’t live in a world where you don’t exist.”) “I could.”

(“And you believed me so easily.”) “Because you’re stupid.”

“Um, Alice? Leave the shoulder pads in the ’80s where they belong.”

“Seriously, Edward needs some iron or B-12 or something.”

(“How can you stand to be so close to her?” “It’s not without difficulty.”) “The whole world shares your sentiments.”

(Aro takes Bella’s hand to read her thoughts.) “We are now vampire married.”

(“I see nothing.”) “She’s never had a single thought in her life.”

“I caught a bumblebee!”

“Um, why is Edward getting his butt kicked? He can’t read Felix’s thoughts and predict his moves like he does in Eclipse?”

“Man, this is the best part of the movie. It’s what we’ve all wanted to do to him.”

(“Kill me! Not him!”) “Oh, I’ll kill you both.”

(“You’d give your life for one of our kind?”) “Not you, douchebag.”

“You’re in Italy! Speak English!”

(Marcus: “Let us be done with this.”) “American Idol will be on soon.”

(Caius says something.) “And tell me if I’m a boy or a girl.”

(“Last time you said that, you took off, and I didn’t see you for three days.”) “Best three days of my life.”

(“It would be nice to not want to kill you all the time.”) “Maybe if you’d succeeded before, it would already be resolved, you failure.”

Under 200 book reviews: Eclipse

Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

It’s at least my 2nd favorite of the Twilights and possibly my favorite. I like getting the backstories of the background characters, especially Rosalie and Jasper. I love Jasper training everyone to fight. I love the scene where Edward gives Bella his mom’s ring. I hate the Quileute legend part–booooooorrrrrrrring–and I hate how Bella decides to be a martyr. I like my martyrs to be less emo, thanks. Blaze of glory and all that. I hate that Stephenie gave Victoria a ridiculous Minnie Mouse voice, and I’m glad the movies didn’t follow that part of the book. I despise Jacob in Eclipse. Whiny, manipulative dog. And this is when I truly started to hate Bella (I’m too forgiving, I know).

Under 200 book reviews: New Moon

New Moon by Stephenie Meyer

This is my least favorite of the Twilight novels. Edward’s a total jerk, Bella’s even more emo than in the first one (I know, hard to believe), and the novel drags on and on while Edward’s gone. After Alice comes back, though, I love it. Team Edward.

Under 200 book reviews: Twilight

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

I obviously don’t need to tell y’all how I feel about this book. But I will! Compelling story, atrocious grammar, lackluster writing style, moany pissant heroine, but EDWARD. I adore the entire series, even watched the crappy movie obsessively. They hit my obsession button, and I never looked back. I don’t apologize. But I will say this: the sparkling thing is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read. If not for the sparkling vampires, she’d probably sell twice as many books, and there wouldn’t be nearly as many “Edward is gay” memes going around. I really think it was idiotic and should have been killed in editing. But the grammatical errors weren’t even killed in editing, so there you go.

New Moon tomorrow night! Ahhhhhhhh!

Contains spoilers.

Hot centenarians. Nothing wrong with that.

From tWits. [It's New Moon week, so I can think of nothing but vampires.]

Every time I tell my husband that I don’t have time to chit-chat or make his dinner or have sex because I’m reading about sexy vampires or watching the Cullen boys play sparkly baseball, he tries to tell me that vampires are creepy. Not because of the fangs or the blood-drinking—he’s a guy, so that stuff probably makes them cool—but because they’re hundreds of years old and pursuing teenage girls.

Now, I’ve thought about it. I’m trying to be a supportive wife and see his point so he’ll drop the argument and just let me get back to my toothily-enhanced hotties, but I can’t do it—I can’t even see the merits in his argument. Because he’s wrong. And here’s why there’s nothing wrong with hot vampires dating much, much, much, much younger women.

READ THE REST AT TWITS…

O noes!

I did NOT need another timewaster. Thanks, Amanda, for this! I will find a way to pay you back someday.

Meanwhile, there are many pictures of Jasper Cullen that need LOL captions. ON IT.

Heh

wRitErsbLock saw a bumper sticker.

I’m going to hell

Why? Because I can’t stop laughing at this. I’m sorry. It’s funny. Thanks to David for the tip. David, plz link yourself in the comments, because I’m too lazy to go find the link. Kthx.

Even better than watching Twilight with Frank

is watching Twilight with RiffTrax (think MST3K with your Twilight DVD). It’s worth so far above the $3.99 they charge.

You must watch Twilight this way. I beg you.

twilight screening with Frank

“Yeah, you’re right. He does steal every scene.” — re: Charlie, in a nondescript early scene.

“Is there any man other than Cop Mustache in this movie who isn’t effeminate?”

“I repeat, is there anyone other than Cop Mustache who isn’t effeminate?”

“We call him ‘Eyebrows.’”

“I hate teenagers. Especially twenty-somethings playing teenagers.”
“Actually, she was a minor when they started filming.”

“I like standing in cars.”

“Wow, he really steals every scene.”
“Shut UP! He reminds me of my dad.”
“Why?”
“Because he doesn’t really like to express his feelings, but I know he loves me.”
“You mean, because he doesn’t emote like my dad?”

“He’s creepy.”

“Doesn’t it look like she just burped?”
“That’s called acting, sweetie.”

“They won the golden onion, see?”

“And see, now, he’s just trying not to kill her.”
“Why?”
“Because her scent… he’s never smelled anyone that makes him want human blood so bad.”
“Why doesn’t he just kill her? End the movie.”
“She’s like his own personal brand of heroin.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard that many times.”

“Yeah, let’s stand in the hallway, discuss being vampires. Because we only started doing this yesterday.”

“That was a trick of your eye. That was the moonlight reflecting off swamp gas.”

“Look at me, I’m a sissy. Could I do something like that? It might mess up my hair.”

“You don’t have any evidence!” This is what they always say in CSI when they’re guilty.

“Ok, I admit it. I’m really a hero. I prance around saving people.”

(Upon Mike asking Bella to prom) “No, your skin has too much color.”

(“Can you at least watch where you walk?”) “Stupid! Ugh!”

“Wow, they’d make some awesome white supremacists.”

“Something better happen soon.”

“I’m thinking about growing some mutton chops to go with my mustache.”

(“Let’s say for argument’s sake that I’m not smart.”) “I’ll argue that.”
“She’s really not smart. Bella’s an idiot.”

“Kryptonite takes away power, stupid.”

“I don’t wanna bring this relationship any further than me just staring at you.”

“Wow, if she wants Eric, she’s really scraping the bottom there.”

(“The Cullens don’t come here.”) “Neither do barbers.”

(“You caught that, huh?”) “I tend to pick up things that are said right in front of my face.”

“By the way, call me Pale Face again, and I’m scalping me an Injun.”

“You mean the other Pale Faces besides the Cullens? There are paler faces?”

“Now, that’s racist right there. He’s drunk, and he’s wearing an Irish t-shirt.”

“So can vampires not just shop at Sears and wear normal clothes? Do they have, like, an agreement?”

“The filming in this is like the first season of CSI: New York.”
“Right? With the blue?”

(“That’s disgusting.”) “Yeah, guys knocking on windows is disgusting.”

“It’d be cool if she found that Buffy book. Vampyre spelled with a Y.”

“This is where that upside-down kiss is.”

“Is that a hybrid?”
“Probably.”

“She should flash him.” (when he needs her to distract him)

“She has weird hair.”
“It’s like ’50s hair.”

“‘I’m allergic to wheat.’ ‘That’s creepy!’”

(“I don’t want to know what the square root of Pi is.” “You knew that?”) “There’s no way she knew that.”

“He’s really dumb at this whole concealing that he has magical powers thing.”

(“I can read every mind in this room, apart from yours.”) “Maybe she’s just not thinking.”

(“It’s very frustrating.”) “Yeah, you’re missing a lot there. Some complex thinking.”

“What are you doing hanging out with that mortal?”

“I don’t know where I’m gonna fit that in my purse with my gun!”
“Bella with a gun? She’s such a klutz. That would be unfortunate.”

“This is done so much better in the book. I mean, it’s almost like the screenwriter wanted to piss off every Twilight reader.”

“Wow, he looks even gayer.” (when Edward is in makeup, sucking Bella’s blood)

(“And sometimes you speak like you’re from a different time.”) “Like when you said ‘groovy’ the other day.”

“Now she’s creeping me out. Like she’s about to transform into a monster.”

“SAY IT! SAY IT!”

(“Are you afraid?” “No.”) “You’re just so effeminate.”

(“This is the skin of a killer, Bella.”) “I’m sparkly! I’m a killa! I kill things!”

(“I trust you.”) [laughing] “Her parents did not put sense into her.”

“I wonder if drug dealers use that now. ‘Get your own personal brand of heroin! See what Edward’s talking about!’”

(“You have to tell me what you’re thinking.”) “Personal space?”

“What exactly is his attraction with her?”
“First it’s because he’s meant to kill her because he wants her blood so bad. Then he becomes obsessed with the fact that he can’t read her mind. Then he just becomes stalkery. It’s very sexy.”
“Oh, that’s a great basis for a relationship. He wants her blood and can’t read her mind.”

“Any larger sunglasses would be novelty ones.”

“By the way, if you’ve got any spare blood that you’re not using…”

“She’s like a weatherman. So-so accuracy.”
“No, she’s way more accurate.”

“Ooh! He hates Injuns!”

“So how’d he end up in a wheelchair? Did the vampires cripple him because they thought it’d be funny? Because it would be kinda funny.”

(“I would never tell anybody anything.”) “Except my friends.”

“I’ve got one rule. Don’t touch my stuff.”

“Stop watching the puppy. Watch the movie.”

“Wow, I can stare creepily at you all day.”

(“I can’t dance.”) “Well then, you’re no friend of mine.”

“You moved! Bad girlfriend!”

“At least they spare us from the conversation. ‘Because I like shoes that are pink!’”
“No, that’s something Alice would say.”

“Rip her head off! It’ll be funny!”

“If you make it all the way through the movie, you’re totally getting lucky.”
“I better be getting lucky.”

“Alice had to actually learn to pitch, and all the vampires had to learn to hit.”
“Yeah, because none of them would have known how to play sports before.”
“Actually, Jackson Rathbone who plays Jasper already knew how to play baseball. You can tell by the way he handles his bat. Plus, the way the director said so on the commentary.”

“We’re about to shoot a Calvin Klein ad here!”

“Everything James does is so sexual. Every face he makes.”
“Which one’s James?”
“The blond one.”
“Which blond one?”
“The nomad. The evil one.”

“Everything James does is sexual? He looks more like a confused dog to me.”

(“What am I gonna say to him? I can’t hurt him.”) “I can. We’ll break his arms and legs and throw him in a ditch. He’ll be safe there.”

“My cop mustache is tingling. I can tell something’s up.”

“You’re stupid, and you smell, and no one likes you.”

“Aww, that’s like the scene from Harry and the Hendersons. ‘Go away, you big ape.’”

(“Why don’t you let me drive?”) “You’re a woman. And you know a woman, if you’re driving away from an evil vampire, she’ll be trying to do her makeup.”

“Wow, everyone here’s so creepy. It’ll be nice to get away.”

(“Tell him how much it hurts!”) “Well, on the hospital pain charts, it’s about a 7!”

“Your girlfriend’s annoying. Shut her up.”

“That’s him singing here. I love him.”
“He sounds like a goat.”
“No he doesn’t! Shut UP! I LOVE him!”

(“The worst part was I didn’t think I was gonna be able to stop.” “Well, you did stop.”) “Yeah, well, you didn’t taste as good as I thought you would.”

“No! No! Bad vampire!”

“I really like the taste of your blood. I can’t stand to hear you talk. It’s a bad combination.”

“And in your dreams, you can still feel me, staring at you creepily.”

“Run, Forrest, run!”

“Ugh, I hate Jacob. He can go die. Actually, I like him in the fourth book, but I hate him in the second one.”
“I can’t even consider liking him until he gets a freakin’ haircut.”

(“Guess I’ll see you around, Bella.”) “Paleface!”

“If I had to spend a hundred years hanging out with teenagers, that’d be my hell.”
“I know, right?”

“Ow, my freakin’ foot! You’re such a clumsy oaf!”

“Hey, you made it all the way through! You’re gonna get lucky.”

obsessive

OCD

My cousin Megan, who wholeheartedly shares my obsession, decided that my obsession needed to be fed.

And so today in the mail, I received this.

Yes, I did jump around and squeal like a good tweener. Why do you ask?

(Also, Megan is now my favorite relative. Sorry, bikermommy! But Megan gets me.)

At least run it through spell check!

Ok, y’all know I love the Twilight Saga, right? And I love Stephenie Meyer. And when you’re writing, you make mistakes and don’t catch them from time to time.

But there is no excuse for her editor’s lack of… editing! So many errors. An I/me error from a hundred-year-old man who knows everything is one thing, reign/rein errors are another… but the one I can’t forgive, EVER, is this: dependent spelled “dependant.” I don’t have a British version, and even if I did, the usage is as an adjective, in which case even the British spell it with all e’s.

I am beside myself with grief over this one and glad I didn’t catch it my first time through Breaking Dawn. It feels like a betrayal, really.

Hmm

Well, the Edward v. Jacob post I’m working on is taking me longer than expected, so bear with. I know y’all (especially my Y-chromosomed readers) await with bated breath. Meanwhile, I still can’t get over Tracey’s poster, and I have this set as my desktop background (from here).

I must get ahold of myself.

TSQOTD

That is, Twilight Saga Quote of the Day (you had to know this was coming).

“I know you think I that I have some kind of perfect, unyielding self-control, but that’s not actually the case.”

“I wish,” I sighed.

-Eclipse

Kismet

Just so you know… ever since I started my tweener blog-fawning over Twilight, my blog spam has kicked up a few notches. I deserve it, and I willingly pay the price.

Um, I’d like one of these, full-size, for my wall. Please.

Clicky.

(I can’t believe I don’t have an “Obsessions” category. What is up with that?)

Can’t stop the obsession, Mal: Edward v. Jacob — It’s ON.

I hope I’m able to put down The Saga after my second read-through (likelihood: negligible). I don’t need to mention *which* saga, of course. You know the one. Here’s how it goes:

I read when I get up in the morning. I read from 1:30-2:00 (I get home at 1:30 and have to start working again at 2:00) while eating my lunch. I read when I get off work. I read while I’m cooking dinner, between the doing of actual, you know, wifely things in the kitchen. I read when dinner is ready and I’m waiting on Frank. I read when Frank pauses the DVR to go to the bathroom. I read between episodes of Bones. I read at bedtime.

Rinse, repeat.

I got Stephenie Meyer’s other book today, The Host. Romance with aliens or something, and Megan promises it’s almost as good as The Saga. I’m trying to decide: read the new book or New Moon? New Moon is my least favorite, but I still love it (especially the end, my word, the END! Just inject the end of that book into my veins NOW! I need it! It’s my brand of heroin!). Totally torn. But leaning toward the KNOWN satisfaction, rather than the unknown.

I frown. The phone keeps ringing, and it’s always telemarketers, interrupting my thoughts about The Saga. Next time I’ll grimace. Or maybe hiss.

I think the only way to break the cycle is going to be my picking up that *other* all-consuming saga… but that may be too bleak for winter.

But anyway. Let’s proceed. I want to talk about Twilight. Specifically, Edward v. Jacob. This could go on for a few posts, so let me start with the basics.

SPOILER ALERT! TURN BACK NOW IF THERE’S ANY CHANCE YOU WILL READ THE SAGA!

*Edward=Vampire. Jacob=Werewolf/Shape-Shifter. Edward has no weaknesses outside of Bella, vampire teeth, werewolf teeth, and fire. Jacob’s weaknesses? Vampire teeth, werewolf teeth, jealousy, envy, fleas, ticks, and vampuman infants. Winner: Edward.

*Let’s stick with the species thing for a bit. Edward=Vampire. Jacob=Werewolf/SS. Edward’s plusses include superhuman speed, strength, beauty, grace, and senses, near indestructibility, ability to hear crickets whisper, mind reading, impossible self-control, world-class smoldering talents, a wicked snarl, topaz eyes, and a fierce sense of self- and Bella-preservation. Jacob’s plusses include the speed thing, strength, good hearing, motorcycle repairs, putting Bella in even worse danger than that in which she puts herself, sharp claws, intensified happiness, ability to embiggen himself, mind sharing (but only with his own pack), extreme obnoxiousness, and sitting on driftwood. Winner: Edward.

*Edward=Vampire. Jacob=Werewolf/SS. Edward needs to eat once every couple of weeks, sooner if he might be making out with Bella. If Jacob doesn’t devour an entire chicken coop full of eggs every hour, he dies. Edward devours live, active food (probiotics!), and Jacob usually waits for some chick to cook for him. I mean, he *can* eat the other way, but he clearly prefers the easier human food. Winner: Edward.

*Edward=Vampire. Jacob=Werewolf/SS. In this world, Edward is shiny. (Frank says, “That’s gay,” to which I respond, “YOU’RE gay!”) Jacob is furry. Winner: Edward.

*Edward=Vampire. Jacob=Werewolf/SS. Edward has had a century to become accomplished in music and well-studied in all subject matters, from science to language (I/me confusion in Breaking Dawn notwithstanding) to relationships to smoldering to seduction. Jacob has had fifteen to seventeen years (depending on where we are in the story) to learn how to fix cars and annoy the crap out of Edward and me. Bah! Edward can buy his own cars (and everyone else’s) and does not annoy me in the slightest. Winner: Edward.

*Edward=Vampire. Jacob=Werewolf/SS. Edward can singlehandedly break a fever, provide air conditioning in tropical climes, and solidify Jell-O in under a minute. Jacob can warm you up in a nasty snowstorm, boil water for your afternoon tea, and heat your jacuzzi quickly. Meh, that one’s a tie.

I don’t see why there is even a conflict here — I mean, Edward is the perfect man, and Jacob is a pipsqueak puppy. It’s not even a competition! However, in the interest of convincing any of you who may still think Jacob is the poo, I will continue to give you a big whiff of Edward’s superiority in upcoming posts.

You are welcome.

It’s bad. Srsly.

Out of control.

This time I’m taking notes

What do you know, I made it several hours without starting to reread Twilight. The way I see it, this has catapulted me back into obsessive reading, and I could move on and obsessively read something else, not knowing whether I will like it, or I can stick with what I know for sure I will like. I’m happy with option two. I was about six chapters into Anna Karenina when I began Twilight, not to mention all the non-fiction I was reading… but I just can’t stop. Can’t. Won’t.

Twilight

I finished the series this morning while I lay in bed under my warm fleece blanket, suffering with a nasty headache that has blessed my presence since last night, surrounded by kitties while Frank was at church. I’m actually envious of him, getting to go to church, because today we started studying Revelation in Bible study. Not that I wouldn’t want to go anyway, but now even moreso. If I’d had any energy or way around the pain to sit in a pew and be surrounded by people with voices rather than the people and voices in my (and Edward’s) head, I would have been there. Instead, I struggled to read. And it was a struggle — not because of the material, are you mad? — because I have brain fog today so I read even slower than usual.

SPOILER ALERT

My head is so full of Edward, Bella, Alice, Carlisle… ok, basically everyone (even Jacob, whom I really didn’t like until Breaking Dawn).

My thoughts. I can’t get them wrangled. I may need a day or two to gather my thoughts. I’m seriously fighting the urge to start over from the beginning (it’s a difficult fight, one that I don’t expect to win). Thanks to my cousin Megan’s pointer, I have already read the partial draft of Midnight Sun, and though the author has put it the manuscript on indefinite hold, I really would like for her to change her mind and write all four books from Edward’s perspective (I don’t get the impression that she ever planned to write more than Twilight from his perspective, but a girl can dream, no?).

I fear this could become as bad as my Buffy/Angel obsession (once I’m unemployed, my first order of business on SRM besides the current season of AI, 24, and LOST will be blogging every episode of those two series, and I have a feeling that mm will be taken over by Twilight — it’s about time something interesting got posted here again!). I don’t see it getting as bad as my Harry Potter obsession, but if Stephenie Meyer ever picks Midnight Sun back up, all bets are off, peeps. All bets are off.

Anyway, my head is still raging and needs to not think, so I can’t do any thought-wrangling right now (it took me several hours to get this posted). Don’t think you’ve heard the last of this from me.