Category Archives: everyday life

Wrong button

So I have my Bible on my Kindle–I don’t even carry the big giant copy to church or Bible study with me anymore, because I have a Bible that fits in my purse. I can highlight it, take notes in it, search it, etc. Until there’s a Kindle version of the Thompson Chain Reference Bible (also wouldn’t mind a Nelson Study Bible), I’m happy with it. Oh, and it was free (I see they’re now charging $7.99 for it).

Yesterday morning, we were sitting in Bible class after worship, studying Revelation. I had my Kindle open to the passage we were studying, and I decided I wanted to make the font bigger. To increase the font size, you push the font button and then use the little clicker to scroll to the size you want. However, you use the same font button to turn on text-to-speech. Instead of scrolling to the sides, you scroll down and then click the clicker.

You can see where this is going. I went to make the font bigger, and I turned on text-to-speech instead (kind of a reflexive action, since I do this all the time and I hardly ever change the font size).

I realized what I had done before Spike even started talking.

And I panicked.

I know, because I do this all the time, that to turn it off, you simply hit the font button again, scroll down, and click. So naturally my first panicky instinct was to hit the power switch and try to turn it off. The screen saver came on, and of course, it read to me anyway.

“Sorry! Sorry! I tried to change the font size! Sorry!” Everyone was laughing, I was fumbling to turn it back on, then go to the font window. The preacher teaches the class, and he had to stop down and wait for me to turn it off. (He, too, was laughing at me.)

Did I mention that the last time I’d used text-to-speech, I was washing dishes and had it turned all the way up? But of course.

[Related: Serenity finally got her Kindle. Here's her review.]

Stalking in the bathroom at your workplace: It’s wrong.

So. I was minding my own business at work today, and by minding my own business, I mean I was in the bathroom doing just that.

I finished and came out of the stall. Someone (we’ll call her Stalker) was standing against the wall, even though there was an empty stall. I washed my hands, and she stalked out. I thought it was weird. Then someone else (we’ll call her Stalkee) came out of the third stall, and I wondered if Stalker had been waiting for Stalkee. And then I left, and when I got to the atrium, Stalker was standing at the top of the stairs. She actually asked me, and I could not believe this: “Hey, was Stalkee the one in the other stall?” I was appalled. You do not STALK people into a bathroom! It’s creepy! I gave her a look that said “you’re a FREAK!” and just said, “You know, I don’t really pay attention to other bathroom participants.”

Good grief. Get a grip.

Spoke too soon

So I had decided that “they” have forgotten I even work there and so they’re planning to keep me until the end. But today the rumors are flying again, so it’s looking like there may be another layoff. I mean, I don’t really get having a layoff when you’re down from 400 people to 20, but whatevs. I just hope that if it’s happening, it happens soon so it doesn’t delay our closing at the last minute.

I wonder if this means I’ll get paid for my remaining vacation hours. The people there at the very end will most likely not get paid theirs, but going earlier… maybe?

Zing!

ME: I’m getting used to this Pepsi throwback. I’ll never like it, but I’m getting used to it.
HE: That’s kind of the way I feel about you.

Zoom zoom zoom!

Dorito nagging

Don’t just eat the Doritos all willy-nilly. It’s wrong.
***

You’re eating them willy-nilly! You stop that. You suck on that Dorito.
***

Here. You can eat this one willy-nilly.
***

Here. This one too.
Why?
Because it doesn’t have much salt. There’s no point to a Dorito without salt.

cheese

SARAHK: Do you want cheese on your potato?
FRANK: Yes.
SARAHK: Ok, you have to grate it yourself.
FRANK: Ok. [Goes to fridge.] Where’s the cheese?
SARAHK: [Looks.] Oh. I guess we don’t have any.

without context

HE: I hope your secret nickname for me is The Sexosaurus.
ME: No. I will not give you a dinosaur name. Dinosaurs are too controversial in our relationship.

pain

ME: Ohhhhhhhh. I hurt soooooo bad.
HE: Do you need me to massage anything?
ME: Yes. My uterus, please.

self esteem

It’s high right now, lemme tell ya. Coworker, upon seeing my wedding album:

CW: This isn’t you.
SK: It is.
CW: No it isn’t.
SK: I know, because I’m fatter there, right?
CW: No, you look so much better there!
SK: No, I’m fatter there.
CW: No, you look so pretty. So girly!
SK: Too girly.
CW: It’s ok to say this, because I’m saying that you are pretty.
SK: That’s like saying I’m uglier now.
CW: Oh, that’s not what I mean. You look just as much beautiful now.

And the thing is, she doesn’t mean any of it to insult me. It’s how she is, just says exactly what’s on her mind. Always. She’s still one of my favorite people. I think it’s a cultural thing.

genius

ME: I swear, Beethoven was a genius.
HE: Did you just say Beethoven was a genius? [laughing]
ME: Yeah. He was!
HE: That’s like saying Einstein was a genius.
ME: He was too.
HE: Carp are fish!
ME: They are!
HE: Beethoven composed music!
ME: He did!

aleck

ME: The Amazon deal of the day is really tempting me today.
HE: You buy that, and right after, he’ll release a new album.

BURN!

FRANK: I like the show better when it’s moving.
SARAHK: I like your mouth better when it’s not.

Awwwww yeaaaaaaah.

snippets

88 YEAR OLD WOMAN: I love that baby so much. She’s so cute! I just want to squeeze her to death! [long pause] . . . I probably shouldn’t say that.
***

88YOW: Who’s that?
NURSE: I’ve come to get your vitals.
88YOW: Okay. Am I dead yet?
***

NURSE: What happened to your ear?
88YOW: Someone tried to take it right off.
NURSE: Oh!
88YOW: Yeah. Someone bit it.
NURSE: Who?
88YOW: My boyfriend.
NURSE: Well, can I take your temperature in your other ear?
88YOW: No. I can only have one boyfriend at a time.

what’s the deal

with executives and speaker phone? It’s good I have an iPod or I’d never get any work done.

opening

SARAHK: He still wants her?
FRANK: Yes. He’s still in love with her. And she’s still in love with him.
SARAHK: Yeah. I got that.
FRANK: She’s stupid.
SARAHK: Yep. Stupid.
FRANK: She reminds me of you.
SARAHK: Yep. I’m still in love with you.
FRANK: D’oh.

round five

It looks like I’ve survived round five and probably have about a month left at my job.

checkout

So I’m at the store last night, picking up some frozen food for Frank since I never have time to cook for him these days. I grab some GF hamburger buns while I’m there, too, and all of my freezer food is GF, of course. GF pizza, etc. (Also another new purse, because I hated my giant purse so much that I couldn’t deal. But the purse has nothing to do with the story.)

So I get to the checkout.

CHECKER GUY: I miss gluten.
SARAHK: Me too. [What? I really don't, except when I don't feel like cooking or have time for it, because that's when I want only one thing: $1 Totino's pizzas.]
CG: My girlfriend’s celiac.
SARAHK: Me too.
CG: And I’m gluten-free with her, to be supportive.
SARAHK: My husband too. That’s really nice of you to support her that way. It makes it a lot easier.
CG: Well, it’s like you’re telling me I can’t have a beer after work but you’re going to sit there and drink one in front of me? That wouldn’t be nice. So the deal is, I don’t eat it in front of her. I can have it if I’m not with her, though.
SARAHK: [nods]
CG: And I don’t brag about the donuts I eat.
SARAHK: Except to me!

We laughed, and I took my purchases.

Work

So last week was a very bad week for my company. Super-bad. Yesterday, we learned that starting Friday and ending next Friday, they’re letting most of us go, keeping somewhere between fifteen and twenty-five people for a couple of months, maybe a little longer.

This is a horrible time to look for a job in Boise. I won’t actually be looking for one if I’m let go–I’ll be retiring again to my two favorite jobs ever–housewife and writer. I would really like to hold on to my job until after we’ve bought this house, but I don’t know how realistic it is to hope for that. But I have a lot of coworkers who will be dumped into the awful Boise job market. There’s nothing out there. I know people who have been looking for months and found nothing. And I hear that most of the people in the other departments weren’t even looking until Friday or yesterday.

So it’s bad for a lot of people, especially the owners. It’s terribly sad.

Personally, I blame Barney Frank–the economy was standing on the ledge, and he went ahead and pushed it right off, the way I see things. Thanks for him, Massachusetts.

Weekend snippets

HAPPY GIRL: Hey, if we were rich, we could have a disco ball!
***

HAPPY GIRL: Daddy! Daddy! Smell my elbow!
CADET HAPPY: No.
HAPPY GIRL: No really! Smell my elbow! Really! It smells like cherry!
***

SARAHK [after getting off Jimmy Neutron's Atomic Collider]: Hey, Cadet. That ride felt like being in the car with you, except not as scary.
***

SARAHK: Cadet Happy is one of the worst drivers I’ve ever ridden with.
MRS. HAPPY: Yes, he is. I still usually let him drive, though, because he’s an even worse backseat driver.
SARAHK: I’m sure he is. But yesterday, I backseat drove the whole way.
MRS. HAPPY: I’m sure he *loved* that. And you know, the worst thing about his driving is that he’s so self-confident…
SARAHK: Arrogant.
MRS. HAPPY: Ok, arrogant. I was being diplomatic.
***

SARAHK: Um, you’re following so closely.
CADET: They shouldn’t be going so slow.
SARAHK: I shouldn’t be able to read license plates.
***

CADET: Do any of you want anything?
SARAHK: Oh, yes. Could you get me some sunflower seeds? Frito-Lay.
CADET [upon returning to the car and handing me three different brands of sunflower seeds]: They didn’t have Frito-Lay. I figure between all those, you can find some that are to your liking. [I did. Fisher brand.]
***

HAPPY GIRL: Wow, you *really* like those chips.
***

CADET: My driving is like a work of art.
SARAHK: Yeah. A Picasso.

My poor sweetie

I went shopping after work, since I still have a job that could last two weeks, six months, or years. I went to Wal-Mart (forgot to get the thermal underwear, the specific reason I went to Wally World), Costco, and Fred Meyer. I came home and told Frank about the food I got for our trip.

SARAHK: I got a lot of snacks and food in case we get hungry and aren’t anywhere near a city. Even if we are near a city, we don’t know if it will be big enough to have food we can eat. So I got gluten-free crackers [Glutino -- they're good], goat cheese, smoked oysters, and cocktail sauce. I figured we could eat that if we got hungry…
FRANK J.:
SARAHK: I also got some sardines. I’ve never tried them before. I’ll probably hate them. They always look and smell gross to me.
FRANK J.: [Scrunching up his nose.] Did you get any normal food?

So then I told him about the fruit, chips and salsa, SPAM [I try not to eat pork, but during really busy weeks and travel, I'll eat it], beef Lil’ Smokies, summer sausage (I had to show it to him so he’d know what it was), trail mix, and roasted almonds. He was cheerier after that.

Of course, I’m thinking I’ll stick to the nitrite-free stuff. Lately I haven’t had so much trouble with nitrites, but I don’t like to bombard myself with them, because migraine scares me.

I still have a job!

Thanks for all of your nice comments and prayers. Y’all are the best blog readers (I always get to brag to Frank that mine are nicer than his).

They kept everyone in our department. Big Boss and one of the other managers lobbied to keep all of us and gave TPTB very good reasons for letting us all stay. So TPTB said yes, and we all live to work another day.

But since we now have few enough people to fit into one building, we spent the day moving to cubes in one of our other buildings. I don’t know how I feel about cubes. I’ve worked in them before and survived, but it was really nice having an office. Ah well. At least I still have a job.

I did apply for one sweet, sweet job last night, and Big Boss knows the controller at that company and is going to call her and put in a good word for me. He’s a good boss.

Now I can actually focus on getting us ready for the big trip to Texas. We leave early Saturday morning, and we’re driving. It may be spotty here tomorrow (just like all the other days!), but we’re taking our computers, and I plan to blog about the trip.

Happy holidays!

Today, we had Round Four. A lot of people were laid off at my company (a LOT — basically only a skeleton crew is left). Everyone found out today whether they would be staying or leaving… everyone except my department. They know they’re going to lay some of us off… but they don’t know how many or whom. They’re still deciding what level of financial reporting they’re going to need and how many of the five of us will be sticking around. I have no guesses. They’ll have their decision in the morning. Until then, we just wait.

I knew something big had happened when I got two emails within minutes of each other. One from Big Boss, one from coworker Emme, both asking me to call them right away. Everything happens in the afternoon when I’m working at home.

I wanted this to be my last job, I really didn’t want to go anywhere. I am the only person that I know at the company who until today hadn’t applied for any jobs and wasn’t actively looking. I figured if I got laid off, I’d just stay home. And that is an option… but we’re still paying off the mortgage on the house we sold, so we really like my income. At the very least, I would like to have a job through the end of the year so we don’t have to cut off all discretionary spending just in time for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Mega discount stores are always an option; I’m not sure I’d last more than two days during the Christmas shopping season, but since no one can afford to spend money this year as it is, maybe the crowds would be smaller. Anyway, I browsed jobs today and saw one that would be pretty perfect for me, and I figure no one else from my department will be applying for it. So I hastily updated my resume, got an ok from Big Boss to put him down as a reference, and applied. I actually meet all of their qualifications, so I’m not worried about that. Being out of town for the next two weeks isn’t a big tally in my favor, but that’s what phone interviews are for. I just said tally.

We are still going to go to Texas for Thanksgiving. The only people in my family I’ve seen since Thanksgiving 2006 are my mom, stepdad, and brother. They get all sad and antsy if they don’t get to see me now and then. You would too, because I’m awesome. We’ve had the money for this trip sitting in savings for a couple of months now. And having cheaper gas prices than we’d planned for helps.

So that’s the scooby. I’ll let y’all know how it turns out tomorrow. If I get laid off, I hope I don’t have to stay the whole day to get paid for tomorrow. Oh, I should take my work laptop with me so I don’t have to drive it back up there in the event of my jobly demise.

Laters. Gotta get to work early tomorrow so I don’t miss any more drama.

When I answer his puns correctly

FRANK: What do they call the capital of Germany when it’s really cold there?
SARAHK: Burrrrr-lin.
FRANK: [Giggle and pause.] No. The name doesn’t change when it’s cold.

Coming soon to a bathroom near you…

Tonight I decided to make something I’ve never made before (in my whole life, even!). I made hot wings. I marinated them in Frank’s Hot Sauce, cayenne pepper, smoked paprika, olive oil, and garlic powder. I cooked them on the grill, and the grill is lighted, but it was dark outside, and I was on a massage high anyway, so I barely registered what I was doing. We had a bunch of little snacks, too — it was like going to Chili’s or Bennigan’s except without the gluten and cross-contamination! We had carrot sticks and celery sticks… no blue cheese dressing, because of that whole potential-gluten thing, but we did have ranch (and that is pretty much the only time I’ll eat ranch dressing — when I have wings). I put out pickles and olives and cherry peppers. And since we just had to be healthy, we took all our vitamins, and I put out a bowl of strawberries, raspberries, and apples.

So we sat down to eat, and I was through about drumette number three when Frank said, “Is this cooked enough?” I looked at my piece of chicken, peeled down to the bone, and determined that yes, it was fine. Then Frank showed me his. Pink and red meat at the bone.

Blerg.

So I apologized profusely for his (and my) future diarrhea. “Hey, if you’re really sick tomorrow, I’m really sorry, and just know that I didn’t mean to.” He says he won’t hold it against me.

I was able to salvage the wings. I threw them in the oven for fifteen minutes or so and burned them, just to make sure they were good and done. Of course, that added some free radicals to our meal, so I kinda think I would have preferred the salmonella.

Oh, but the marinade was teh yum.

I think I may change all my categories back to their retarded, cutesy names. It took me about ten minutes to find “Wedding/Married Life.” SarahJ was a much easier category to remember.

Fall is in the air

Ah. Yesterday was so nice. I wore short sleeves to church, but when we left, it was a little chilly. By the time we got home (after a visit to Frank’s grama), it was still chilly! And this is after I was dripping sweat at a teambuilding picnic on Friday in the park. It was so cool yesterday that we turned off the air conditioner (which wasn’t running due to how cold it was in the house) and turned on the fireplace for a few hours. (Minerva, of course, was the first to claim the spot in front.)

When we pulled up to visit Frank’s grama, I was struck by the trees. The locusts were already losing leaves and turning colors! Y’all just don’t know how happy this makes me, to have leaves turn colors and fall off the trees. Okay, if you’ve read here for any period of time, you probably do know how happy this makes me. Fall is my very favorite season, followed closely by winter, so we’re entering six months of awesome.

I’m hoping that it doesn’t warm back up (according to AccuWeather, today’s high is 68, though it is expected to warm up into the low 80s later in the week), because I want to do fall things already. I want to bake a pumpkin pie with a flaky crust (I have hope in one of my recent GF baking book purchases). I want to make cornbread dressing and homemade cranberry sauce. I want to tell myself I’m crazy when I grill outside in sweats, gloves, and a winter hat. I want to go to the Pieras’ Halloween party — um, that’s not happening, since we’re over 2000 miles away from it this year, but maybe I can send them a Halloween gift basket to remind them how much more fun their party would be if we were there. They’ll miss Hermione Granger and her ninja friend. We even have a lot of kids in our neighborhood, so I want to hand out candy to the little rugrats — do Mormons do Halloween? Just in case they don’t, I’ll make sure our candy is gluten-free so I can scarf down the leftovers.

So what I’m saying is I love fall, period. I haven’t had one since 2004, so I’ll probably be giddy all season. And starting today, I’m carrying my camera with me everywhere. I was too lazy to take pictures of our colorful spring, but this is fall.

He’s no help

I’m feeling all political and scoffy (in which I scoff at retarded celebrities — and by retarded, I mean unbelievably stupid), and I need an example.

SARAHK: What’s something that isn’t cool anymore?
FRANK: Um… pump-ups.
SARAHK: What?
FRANK: You know, those shoes that you would pump and they’d air up.
SARAHK: How about something that was ever cool?

You look horrible

The total weight of the desk, in box, is 175 pounds, and the thing is going upstairs. So while Frank was running errands and whacking the weed jungle in the back yard, I took the desk out of the box, piece by piece, and took each piece upstairs. 400 pieces later, I’m fairly tired. I’m a wimp.

Frank came in from the weed jungle and noticed that I had emptied the box.

FRANK: Oh, you got some of the desk moved upstairs?
SARAHK: I got all of the desk moved upstairs. I’m tired.
FRANK: Yeah, I can tell. Your face looks… you look horrible.
SARAHK: Thanks!
FRANK: I mean… you probably put on eyeliner [I never ever wear eyeliner] or something, and it rubbed off or something?
SARAHK: No. [He walked toward me, studying my face. I noticed his transition-lensed glasses were still dark from being outside.]
FRANK: Oh. Maybe it’s just shadows or something. [Leaning in close.] Oh, yeah. There’s nothing on your face.
SARAHK: Maybe your glasses are still tinted from being outside. And YOU LOOK HORRIBLE! AND SO’S YOUR FACE!

He’s cruel to me.

Flexible

We’re going to flexible schedules at work. Couldn’t have come at a better time, because starting yesterday, Rowdi is staying home alone during the day, and the cats are in the garage. With the flexible work schedule, I’m going to be able to work from home in the afternoons, which means we don’t have to drive home at lunch (a forty minute round trip) to let Rowdi out and make sure the cats are okay in the garage (I worry about the heat). Instead I’ll get to go home, let Rowdi out to pee, let the cats into the house, and get back to work. We won’t be able to carpool to and from work anymore, but we’ll save about $300 a month. $425 for unsupervised doggie “daycare” (if care means putting the dogs in the back yard and checking on them once or twice throughout the day) versus $120 extra in gas each month? Yeah, I’m good with that.

So now I need to find a desk for home. And a comfy desk chair (but not too comfy).

Cold front

We should watch the local news more, because the cold front (and the insane wind gusts it brought with it) caught us completely by surprise. We’re supposed to have a high in the seventies today.

I have pictures and an injured toe from last night, but those will have to come later, as the news kind of has me in no mood to finish my post about it. Meanwhile, ten homes were destroyed and one person is dead after the fires last night. We’re fine, but I think Rowdi is still angry at the big bad wind that attacked the house. If she could have caught it, I’m pretty sure she would have killed it.

snippets: the workplace

Elle and I have been on fire this week with the snarky comebacks and snappy remarks. I’ve forgotten most of it, but I do recall the ones I wrote down.
***

I was working in our accounting system yesterday, which is IE-based (now, there’s your problem). It gave me an expired page error message, and I shouted, “WHATEVS!” at it. I think it learned its lesson.
***

ELLE [regarding a transaction she was investigating]: This doesn’t make sense.
SARAHK: You don’t make sense.
ELLE: I do too make sense. I’m full of sense.
SARAHK: Yeah, well, I’m full of dollars.

PUN BURN OF THE YEAR!
***

Elle was working on something I gave her last Monday.

SARAHK: I gave you that like nine days ago!
ELLE: Well, not nine business days.
***

We found out today that effective immediately, we can wear jeans every day of the week. They sent out a mass email to the entire company, and Elle read hers first. “We can wear jeans every day now!” And then we heard loud cheers erupt from the finance department. Seriously, those people are crazy. They have wild lunchtime parties every now and then, music and everything. We are, of course, going shopping this weekend. Not the finance department and me. Elle and me. Elle and I, actually. So during her lunch, Elle was looking at the store websites to see what they all have this weekend (I’m not lying, she loves shopping).

ELLE: Wow, these jeans are $80, on sale for $39.50!
SARAHK: Holy cow.
ELLE: What, that they’re $39.50?
SARAHK: Yeah. That’s crazy.
ELLE: How much do you spend on jeans? $10?
SARAHK: *gasp* THANKS!
ELLE: Well, you said $39.50 was crazy!
SARAHK: Twenty, thirty if they’re really good…
ELLE: $39.50 is not bad.
SARAHK: Are you planning to wear them to the Oscars? [I don't know where the Oscars came from in my wee brain, but there they were.]
ELLE: No, if I was planning to wear them to the Oscars, they’d be like $130.

Our staff accountant, whom I’ll call Emme, came by later and actually asked me if I’ll be switching to jeans. Well, sure, but not $39.50 jeans. It’s too bad for Frank, actually, because I haven’t spent our clothing budget for three months, and I was going to use some of it to buy new trashy lingerie. But now I need jeans.

Mean.

I’ve put Before These Crowded Streets, Crash, and Some Devil on my iPod, because I haven’t listened to much DMB in far too long. So DDTW comes on, and I have to ask…

SARAHK: Did you ever listen to Dave Matthews Band?
ELLE: Yeah.
SARAHK: Cool.
[Pause.]
SARAHK: You’re cooler than I thought.

We LOLed. You did, too.