some of them aren’t. so… i’m thinking that i need to bribe the judges of the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest… but, see, i’m unemployed and about to incur moving expenses and really need a shopping spree, so i can’t really afford to bribe the judges with money…

but maybe you can!! i would say, “send the judges money directly,” but you wouldn’t send GWB money directly, would you? you would send it to his money collection organization thingy and let them give it to him…

which is why i propose that if you want me to win the Contest, you should do something to help me, like contribute to my Amazon account. now, i won’t actually give the money to the judges, but you’ll feel like you’re helping, and you will be. you’ll be helping me with my car payment, my moving expenses, my CD & DVD habit, my recently acquired shoe-buying habit… plus i can buy a new gun or two, and don’t you want to help out with that worthy cause?

anyway, just something to think about… thank you in advance for your help in bribing the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest judges in my honor… and if you don’t want to give money, you can always send something from my Amazon wishlist .

this shameless blegging is NOT approved by the great Frank J.

i’d like to thank the Academy… holy smokes, Batman! my entry into the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest was far more successful than i anticipated. going from ~300 hits a day to the over 1000 that i had yesterday is enough to make any babe’s head swell. even if those California girls kick my pinky-toe, thanks, Frank, for the 15 minutes! it’s been fun.

wrath of the Bikermommy… um, it has been pointed out to me by MoDe aka Bikermommy that i misrepresented our conversation yesterday… well, i didn’t, but since she’s a badpinky-toe and all, i’m not about to argue. Bikermommy did say i was in the top four, but she also said i was the winner. now i’m gonna go put some herbal remedy on my bruises from where she kicked my butt.

self-editing… please keep the comments “cussin’” free, or i will edit them to something sissy-sounding. i don’t like those words, and my grandma reads my blog too! krakatoa has learned that “pinky-toe” can be seamlessly substituted for the a-word, and it works quite well! thank you for your cooperation… btw, this means no taking the Lord’s name in vain, even in abbreviated form…
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since i can’t really say anything about basketball without showing myself to be a basketball idiot (if only they had centers, wingers, sin bins & bluelines i could speak intelligently), i’ll just say that my stomach was in my throat for the last 5 minutes of the game.

the Mavs lost to the Kings, so my playoff hopes while still living in the Metroplex have died with them (since the Stars broke my heart a few weeks ago). oh well, it was exciting anyway, and since i’m a total Dallas sports homer, i will NEVER break ranks and root for the teams where i live (though Scott tells me that this is absolutely unacceptable).

so Bikermommy checked out the other Babes in Frank J’s Contest and said she thinks i’m in the top 2. after looking at all the pictures again, she said i’m in the top 4.

WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?? YOU’RE MY MOTHER!! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT I’M THE HANDS-DOWN WINNER AND THAT THE JUDGES WOULD BE INSANE TO PICK THOSE OTHER HOTTIES!

wah. may i just point out that my mother rides motorcycles, which makes her one tough hot mom.

i’m sarahk, and i approved this fake whiny rant. love you, Bikermommy!

today is a big day in my life, nay, huge! Frank J has posted the entries for his IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest, and i’m so nervous i could almost pee my pants! brb…. k, i’m back, didn’t wanna pee my pants.

anyway, i’m contestant #lucky 13, and i must say, though i’ve talked trash i’m a little a-scared of some of those girls — psych! i do not fear any hot California girls or hot moms of four or other such ladies; i am a proud Republican who will shamelessly kiss up to all nine judges until Monday, when their choices have to be made. so here i go…

Wow, that Frank J sure does make me proud to be an American. He effortlessly fights against the John Kerrys, the PETA terrorists, the Osamas and the monkeys of the world; every day I awaken with intense anticipation of what I will read from the Frank J that I can’t even wait until after my morning pee to turn on my machine and visit his blog. People tell me I’m funny, but I’ll be the first of thousands to tell you that I ain’t got nothin’ on the illustrious Frank J.

At the risk of alienating my stepdad (sorry Pappy), I’m going to be quite honest here… Doug the T-Shirt Guy is by far the greatest t-shirt guy to exist on God’s green planet. If Doug the T-Shirt Guy were to show up at my door and ask me to model t-shirts for his website for free, well, I would say no way!! I’m a capitalist, not a communist!! But I might give him a discount, because, hey, he’s Doug the T-Shirt Guy!

Now, I’m all about fairness and everyone getting ahead based on their talents, merits and Rottweillers, but man, it’s just not fair how much Emperor Misha I was born with! Sharp-tongued, fabulously Right and Not Suitable for Children Under 35 or Over 59, Emperor Misha I is the greatest fighter against Idiotarians, and we owe him our allegiance.

If there is anyone who writes better Love Notes than Harvey of Bad Money, I don’t know who that is; I hope his wife appreciates those little bits that he posts for her daily, because, wow, I sometimes can’t breathe after I read them, and they’re not even directed at me! Besides writing the Best! Love Notes! Ever! Harvey is also a genius of humor, political Rightness and literary talent, plus he has the best eye for finding and sharing Graffiti Currency. Oh, to have half the talents of Harvey!

There’s this man, and see he’s, well, AWESOME!! He’s Blackfive, and he’s the paratrooper of love. His close friends call him Matty, which sounds like a hockey name to me, so he must be one of the smartest and toughest men on the planet. He has protected our freedoms, has awesome taste in movies, music and food. Oh, and he’s funny. BTW, if I were into bribery, I would tell Blackfive that I make awesome guacamole and pretty decent salsa and would be glad to send him some. But I’m not into bribery. (email me, I’ll hook ya up!)

If you want to read oustanding essays, first block out a lot of time; then go see what Bill Whittle has to say. He writes excellent dissertations, looks great in a Nuke the Moon t-shirt and even greater in his fighter-pilot getup and makes me proud to be an American. Frank J says he’s mean to waitresses, but I don’t buy it; Bill Whittle is not capable of such meanness.

John Hawkins, of Right Wing News, is downright funny and smart, even if a little obsessed with desert islands. His rotating banner at the top of the page is enough to get me giggling, but that’s not even near the best he has in store. Check out his Best of RWN Humor and see that he may just be the 5th-funniest in the top five when it comes to funnies in the blogosphere (the #1 spot belonging to Frank J, of course).

What can one say about the Puppy Blender blogfather, Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit? Well, lots of things, but they’ve already been said. Now, I could take the side of the Alliance and tell filthy lies about him, or I could attribute a fake quote to him (something like, “SarahK deserves to win Frank J’s Babe Contest if for no other reason than her Instabeauty, so I think I’ll vote for her”). But I’ll just say this: Glenn Reynolds gets a lot of traffic.

“Who are you?” “No One of Consequence.” “I must know.” “Get used to disappointment.” I know little about No One of Consequence except that he is a great speler speller and should vote for me.

Well, that about does it. If you’re a judge and I somehow missed kissing up to you, notify me and I will doubly praise you.

i just watched the results show for AI, and wow am i impressed. jon stevens is going home tonight, and he’s just so classy about it. he’s been so mature and poised every week. simon was dead-on accurate last night when he said that jon takes criticism better than any of them, just like a man, and when he learned he was going home, he took that with such class, too. and the other contestants seemed genuinely sad to see him go, especially diana, how cute!

anyway, good luck to the sweet, classy MAN jon stevens.

today is Wednesday. thought you oughta know.

ok, i respect Gloria Estefan, i think she’s a sweet person and very talented, but wow, i am beaten down by her music. so not only do i have to endure Jasmine in the unbelievable absence of Jennifer Hudson (wah!! why didn’t i vote??), but i have to follow up listening to Barry Manilow’s worst tunes (Mandy notwithstanding) by listening to Gloria Estefan’s stuff. it’s not her fault that i don’t like her music, it was excruciatingly overplayed in the 80s & 90s. i do think it’s cool that the Miami Sound Machine showed up, but i’m already annoyed by Gloria being a guest judge. “i’m going to leave the judging up to the judges, they do a great job” or something like that. um, Gloria, do you even WATCH the show?? Simon is the only judge worth his salt, even though he had an off week last week.

Fantasia 01 - oh no!! i agree with Randy Jackson, i can’t believe it!! but all is not lost, i also agree with Simon, so he’s back!! the dancing was great, i loved the outfit and her spunk. but i hate that song (not her fault, though she did pick it), and she really was unexciting, vocally. VOTE FOR HER ANYWAY, WE KNOW WHO NEEDS TO GO HOME!! PLEASE VOTE!! I PROMISE I WILL TOO!!
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hey there, self! i know i’ve been remiss in noting you of late, but it’s only because i don’t love you anymore. what? oh, just kidding! LOL. SarahK, you are sooooo weird. tell me something i don’t know. um, you don’t know where you’re moving to; i could tell you, but then i’d have to kill you. and since i now know you’re a psycho (see picture at left), i believe you. my head is spinning now; you’re soooo confusing me. ok, i’ll stop. thank you. what a freak we are. anyway, i have some pointers for you…

1. dear self, always unplug the vacuum cleaner when you’re done using it.

2. self, remember when we had the talk about sticking your fingers in your eyes after using Ben-Gay? the same applies when eating jalapenos. k?
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SARKYPOOH: I’d offer you passage back to civilization, but my submersible only seats four.
SYDNEY: It’s the thought that counts.

Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.

Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, 6ho, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

… especially at 1:15 a.m.

i walked into my apartment after spending quite some time at the little sizzle’s house, taking pictures for Frank J’s contest (i really had none with which to enter), and as soon as i opened the door, i heard a loud screeching noise. i realized that my vacuum cleaner, standing tall in my dining room, was ON!!!! i quickly turned it off and started to freak out a little. who turned it on?? oh no, my gun is at the opposite end of the apartment!! oh, wait, my alarm is beeping at me to disarm it!! once i realized that the alarm was, in fact, armed, i calmed down a bit.

then this little head popped out of my bedroom, near the floor. Minerva. my precious calico. she immediately started talking up a storm. “meow this” and “meow that” and “meow have you been?” and “meow is that horrible meow?” and “do you have any meow what meow it is, young meow?” no doubt, the cats were roughhousing, and one of them haphazardly jumped onto the “ON” switch. i have no idea how long the machine had been on, but i’d been gone since around 5:30. eek! Minerva, of course, was sooooo happy to see me and sooooo happy that i turned off the screaming monster that was plaguing her existence.

i finally went to the movies for the first time since Miracle on February 4; i saw the Jennifer Garner / Mark Ruffalo flick 13 Going on 30. it was really adorable. Jennifer does physical comedy so well, and she really is a master at all of the emotions and can ALWAYS make me cry (i know, i know, but hey — i cry at Mastercard Priceless commercials). anyway, it’s hilarious, she’s adorable, and i’m a new Mark Ruffalo fan (what a cutie!). go see it, it’s as cute as her tween dimples.

Eye Declare!! — a couple of weeks ago i had a sty in my left eye. it went away, and now i have one in my right eye. what a beating.

Size Matters — tonight my bro brought me my sister’s old 27-in TV, so now i actually get to watch a real-sized screen. hooray!!!!

SarahK Knows Joes — i make awesome sloppy joes. i can’t take credit, though, i got the recipe here a couple of years ago and have used it ever since. try the recipe, really, you’ll be saying Man-what?
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well, i didn’t get to go to the undisclosed location, but Candace called today and asked me to go to the Mavs game with her. so i got to see them beat the Kings 104-79. and we got coupons for free chalupas from Taco Bell as we left the double-AC, woohoo!!

if you know me, you know i’m a huge hockey fan and that basketball is about my least favorite sport. it has grown on me over the past few years, though, and i had a blast at the game tonight. i can’t watch basketball on tv much, because they mic the floor for the broadcasts, and i can’t stand hearing the shoes squeaking on the court, it drives me bonkers. when you’re actually at the game, they don’t broadcast the squeakness over the PA system, so it’s all good.
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so yesterday i set out to my undisclosed location around 3:30. i got to Dallas around 4 and sat there in rush-hour traffic for awhile. around 4:30 i was still sitting on 35, wasn’t even to 30 yet, when my A/C stopped blowing cold air. i checked my gages, and my car temp was almost in the red zone. stupid Dallas drivers, who are the worst and most inconsiderate drivers i’ve ever encountered, would not let me over, even though i had my hazards on and was looking at them as if to say “please, i don’t want my car to incinerate right in front of you and stop down traffic, you moron”. this went on until i remembered that i drive an SUV and can pretty much have my way with the little beemers i was encountering. now, before y’all think i wasn’t taking care of my car, let me just state that i had my oil changed on Tuesday, and they checked everything. they told me all my fluid levels were fine, specifically mentioning my radiator fluid. i also had the thing inspected, and it checked out fine…
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Dear JJ,
I stop sending you tough love mail, and immediately you forget that Larvin muggin’ down with Vaughn is absolutely unacceptable. Do I have to remind you every week? Or is this a sick joke or a parallel universe from which the viewers will thankfully awake? Not to worry, though, JJ, I’ve got your back; in my version, I will appropriately change all unacceptable larving to something more palatable.

Since this week’s episode was great (disgusting Larvin scenes notwithstanding), I’ll leave you alone for now. Consider yourself warned, though, JJ: if there’s any more of that putrid behavior, instead of getting a hate post-it from me, you’ll get a full-blown letter. I might even print it out and mail it. Are you afraid? You should be.

Lovin’ tough,
sarahk

p.s. I’ve addressed this with Vaughn himself, but I figure I should take it up with you… Can we have Gothic Vaughn every single week? I’ve never been into that look, but I couldn’t stop salivating over him last week; how can one scene embody so much hotness, beauty and machismo? Kudos, bravo, encore, etc. Ta!
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today i’m leaving for an undisclosed location. thankfully, my friends at the undisclosed location do have DSL, so you musees won’t be left without your daily muse. yes, i know i’m arrogant, but blame it on Bikermommy and Spidade, it’s their genes. anyway, i hope to post the ALIAS review for last week before i leave, even though only 3 or 4 of you read them. it’s ok, i do it for me, i’m not crying *sniff* about it *sniff* at *sniff* all *sniff*. if i don’t post it before i leave, i’ll try to do it tonight.

now, i have to go wash my undies so i can wear low-rise jeans and look hot on my trip. and i have to call my cousins in a different undisclosed location and see if i can crash at their place tonight. nothing like giving less than a day’s notice, right?

have i mentioned that i LOVE long road trips? i’m not joking, i have so much fun driving w/ my music loud, sunflower seeds to keep me awake, and now that i’m old, right-wing talk radio. gotta love it.

miss me! i’ll miss you back! psyche!

ta!

FORREST: Lieutenant Dan, what are you doing here?
LIEUTENANT DAN: I’m here to try out my sea legs.
FORREST: But you ain’t got no legs, Lieutenant Dan.

today i danced a little jig… 21 pounds baby!! this is the best! diet! ever! oh, have i mentioned that lots and lots of times? it’s because i’m eating ice cream and drinking cokes and losing weight, and why shouldn’t i shout about that??

ok, so here’s the diet for anyone who’s interested… my bff Sandy came up with it based on the fact that our friend Tina had to cut out wheat due to allergies and instantly became a toothpick.

no tortillas, rice, bread, potatoes, pasta. that’s it. eat all the sugar, corn, beans, other (low-karb diet) no-nos you want; i believe you have to have karbs in your life.
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i like Barry Manilow just fine, but did they have to pick all of the most boring Manilow songs in the history of the world? please take it up a notch… 1-866-IDOLSXX

01 Diana - she kind of bored me tonight. you know why? she’s finally listening to Simon and dressing older. she LOOKED OLD, SIMON! what have you done to her? and how did you think that was her best performance yet? it was BORING.

02 George - i want the old George back. the George that came out to sing every night… don’t break my heart and pull a Ruben & get lazy or i’ll be ranting next week. i still love you, George, but you need to crank it back up.

03 Jennifer - started out a little bland, but moved straight in to awesome. you rock, girl!

[number withheld] Jasmine - it was boring. what’s the matter with Simon tonight? is he starstruck by Barry? she does NOTHING for me.

05 Latoya - what power she has in that tiny frame! i was hoping for her to wail I Write the Songs, but she was wonderful.

06 Jon - Randy still a fraud, Paula still has no opinions. Simon?? what is wrong? this was his best of the competition. whatever Barry taught him worked.

07 Fantasia - she’s got it all tonight (again). charisma, connection, VOICE, presence, spirit, style, grace, fantasm!!
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i’m thankful i made it there and home safely, thankful that my kitties missed me. and thankful to Adam, who took care of my girls while i was gone.

and thankful that i didn’t get any tickets!

i’ll tell y’all about my weekend tomorrow… it’s good to be home.

from cleaning out cars. we should never have to empty the trash, vacuum all the gross particles, climb around in the cargo area organizing all the non-trash, etc. those of you ladies w/ husbands shouldn’t even have to ask; it should just be assumed that if your vehicle is messy, the hubby is going to clean it out.

for those of us without husbands, or whose husbands are away doing noble things to protect our freedoms or on business or whatnot… every male friend, brother, dad, uncle, cousin, etc. within driving distance (arbitrarily decided by me to be 30 miles) should be calling about once a week asking if there’s anything he can do to help make our lives easier. not only will this ensure that our vehicles stay nice and neat (hey, even man-neat is better than disgustingly trashed-out), it will also ensure that our air filters are changed, our oil, tags & inspection are all current, we have no lightbulbs out, we don’t need anything carried in from the car, and the trash is taken out by someone other than us.

we chickies would appreciate it if you fellas would stagger your phone calls so we have at least one of you calling each day, just in case we need you to unclog the shower drain, fix a flat tire or break up a bag of ice into small chunks.

WORKING TITLE OF THIS EPISODE: BLINDED BY LARVE.

ok, i have to tell you musees something ingenious. i have a VCR that marks commercials for me after recording a show and automatically fast-forwards through them on playback. so i recorded ALIAS, as always, and i watched it again, only something was off with the commercial-marking. the VCR kept automatically fast-forwarding at random moments during the show or would forget to stop fast-forwarding when the commerical was over. i got a little annoyed at first until i realized that all of the parts of the show that the VCR fast-forwarded through had something in common: too much Larvin! my VCR isn’t stupid, it’s the smartest contraption EVER!!! somehow it knows that i have NO desire to see Larvin AT ALL so it was trying to spare me! thank you, RCA, i am in your debt.
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so i went to eat lunch at Big Bowl with the little sizzle Jessi; for those of you who don’t know, we’re both tiny, blonde, and cute, of course. ;) she’s 20 & i’m 7 years older (which makes me 22). naturally, we get a lot of looks from the fellers when we’re sitting together; of course, last time we went to BB, we got looks all thru lunch from the fellers, but that was more due to the fact that Jess was having a particularly bad day, complete with wailing and tears.

anyway, today Jessi got to watch all during lunch as our waiter and another waiter (actually the one who waited on us on the previously mentioned wailing day) spent all their spare time watching and talking about … ME! WOOHOO!! Jessi said she’s not going to eat lunch with me anymore, because there’s something that’s just not right about that.

so i would just like to gloat for a minute, because i’m thankful that I’VE! STILL! GOT IT!

tsssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

today i am finally giving in to Bikermommy’s relentless begging and going to see her in Edge of the Universe, Texas. once i get there, it’s all fine and good, because we go karaoke-ing, one of my favorite pastimes… but man, the drive is stinking boring. not to fret, my friends, i shall take many CDs. hmm, now that i think about it, Edge of the Universe is only 9 hours from Flagstaff. maybe instead of driving home Sunday morning after worship, i’ll take I-40 in the opposite direction……..

btw, you people in Edge of the Universe may see me at your local Kinko’s. not only does Bikermommy not have broadband, SHE DOESN’T HAVE INTERNET AT ALL!!! i’m scared of claustrophobia and like to avoid it at all costs.

i’ve had a migraine all day, tried to be productive in spite of it but was not very successful. so now instead of going to Bible study, i’m sitting on my couch with the kitties; the only upside is that i get to watch hockey.

last night i finally met some of my neighbors; i’ve only lived here 8 months and am moving out in probably 2 months, so it’s one of those too little too late things. but i did talk for 3 hours to 2 single chicks and then a couple that lives in the next building; anyway, i think we’ll all hang out some.
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tonight finds my beloved Stars in a must-win situation. well, not a must win, but if they don’t they have to win 4 straight… so they shall win tonight.

so far, tied up at 1 in the 1st… stay tuned.

UPDATE: the only thing more exciting than playoff hockey is overtime playoff hockey. but my blood pressure can’t handle it. i’ve gotta be at least 120/80 or something ridiculously high like that (i’m normally 96/68). anyway, it’s 3 all at the beginning of OT. the Stars were brilliant in the first and 3rd periods, and Marty had a magnificent point-blank save on Rob Blake… anyway, if i’m still alive after the game i’ll let you know how it went.

UPDATE #2: WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! must be the magic of the mohawks… Steve Ott blocked a shot & took off on a breakaway & scored his first career playoff goal with a strong wrister to win the game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i would like to say thank you to the hero for scoring only 2:10 into overtime, because i’m not sure i can hold my breath any longer than that.

last night, JAL had the pleasure of shopping (haha, our movie was sold out, but that was very upsetting for all of us so i shouldn’t laugh) and hanging out with not 1 but 2 of his friends who, incidentally, are both hot chicks. even after we ganged up on him for never posting anything personal on his blog and told him he’ll have to mention his fun evening of shopping with us, he’s not yet heeded our warnings. rachel, i’m thinking we’re gonna have to bully him some more.

UPDATE: he’s off the hook.

for the record, excedrin migraine on an empty stomach has the same effects on my DVD purchases as does vicodin. so today i acquired 4 more, bad sarahk! but i also acquired a roast that didn’t make it home with me, so i’ll have to make another visit to the evil empire tomorrow. i hope i can stay away from the electronics section. the purchase of CD-Rs turns into CD-Rs + DVD-Rs + blank VHSs + 4 DVDs. eek!

thanks to donna, my stepmo’, for cleaning the kitchen today, dishes & floor even! woohoo!