I’d like a pony and a plastic rocket. Oh, sorry, I got your show confused with a great show. Lemme try again.

Dear JJ,

I’d like to kick your pinkytoe. And I’d like to see much less of the Flying Diva’s gigantic breasts. Just because this is the first time she’s ever had them doesn’t mean I need to spend an hour looking at them. I currently have them too, but that just means I’m fat. Whooptidoo!

BTW, I’d like to thank you for absolutely ruining my favorite show. Because I’m funny when I’m ticked off, and snarky. And the show is now going to be so ridiculous that I just. can’t. wait. to get down to snarking business. Poor Frank had to witness it live, as I just couldn’t help myself shouting out what the real dialogue should have been.

Except that Myst V and my podcast are way way more interesting than your show right now, so I’ll have to wait till morning. And I’m not a morning person. So strap on your Rambaldi gear and call your favorite Diva. Expect wrath in SpyPappy magnit–

Hahahahahahahahaha! Frank just made the wind blow by drawing the Bow-Means-Girl SarahK on the Myst V slate.

See? Way better than ALIAS.

Hate,
SarahK

p.s. wow, those must be some serious pregnant hormones. can’t her doctor do something about that?

Jeffrey has a question about converting video files to other video files.

it has been suggested by RFTR that i change the tire on my car. i responded to him that women are delicate and precious and have men for changing tires. he replied that it ain’t that complicated.

you’re right. for a girl to change a tire, it’s a 2, maybe 3, step process.

1) ask a man to do it.
2) look pretty while you watch.
3) get him a beverage if you’re feeling magnanimous.

Frank is a monkey. i coulda toldja that.

SHEPHERD: If you take sexual advantage of her, you’re going to burn in a very special level of hell… a level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

this is so not right.

ok, so i went to Publix this morning, at which time i had 4 good tires, and spent a decent amount of money to make a huge pot of jambalaya and feed people who have signed up to be fed. then i spent the morning cooking and chopping and baking cornbread and whatnot. even got worcestershire sauce all over my arm.

i went to the car and lay out trashbags and towels in case i had a sauce spillage. went back inside to get the pot of rice i boiled, and when i came back out, i spied my back passenger tire. my flat back passenger tire.

now i have to clean out the fridge so i have somewhere to put it all.

oh yeah, and there are 8 or so people who now have to make other lunch plans.

i’m going to my old office today and taking a big pot of jambalaya. i’m donating the ingredients and the time, and people are paying $5 each to eat. the money goes to some charity, i think breast cancer but i don’t remember. anyway, 8 people signed up, so i’ll make a double batch, because there will be people showing up who didn’t sign up.

after that, it’s back home to work on the podcast, though this stressed-out bride would really love to drive to West Palm (no more crying in Orlando for me) and find a wedding dress for that wedding that’s 2 months and 11 days away. not going mad yet, no, i’m really not.

Frank’s off tomorrow, but he may have to play some other game and wait on Myst V until i get back.

oooh, Harold Ford Jr. is on F&F and looks awful. never thought i’d say that.

i had the weirdest dream last night. can’t remember how it all went, but:

Frank was mad at me and acting like a woman (i.e., wouldn’t tell me what was wrong)
i went to the moon (literally) with Jason Mraz, where he was playing a concert. i kept humming Wordplay and making puns (plays on words).
i went golfing with one of the partners at my old firm, and while i was gone, i left my work computer (which i no longer have) in my car and my car unlocked, and when i got back, the computer was gone, but i didn’t care, because they couldn’t fire me because i don’t work there anymore. Frank was mad at me for golfing when i should have been cleaning the house.
i walked from the moon to the country club just 20 yards from the moon on this moonbridge they had. it was like walking on cotton candy, the best feeling ever.

that’s about it. funny, i don’t dream much when i’m stressed, but now that i’m less stressed, i’ve been dreaming more frequently. of course, sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and think i’m hearing noises. then i can’t go back to sleep. but it’s better than being uber-stressed all the time.

thanks for the china! it’s even more beautiful in person! i told Frank never to touch it.

i was in bed by 11:30 last night, but after the drive to Orlando for Serenity (review will be in the podcast and i’ll write one for the blog later) and two hours of intense movie-watching, plus my long day as a housewife ;-) , i am so tired. Frank didn’t have coffee or breakfast this morning, and i’ll have to take his lunch to him, because i didn’t even get up until he was leaving.

i’ve decided i’ll be able to sell my old wedding dress from when i married the slimebag on eBay for sure. some of the dresses i’ve seen there that have actual bids on them - oh yeah, i can sell this thing. and if i can’t, i’m going to have a bonfire. if only i hadn’t cut him out of all of the wedding pics, i’d have pictures of him to burn too. oh well, can’t have it all. :-)

Mike Brown smackdown… ok, so it was more like a good retort. yesterday a partisan hack on the ridiculous blame-game committee told Mike Brown he didn’t like him and was glad he left FEMA because Mike Brown’s facial expression made him look like a deer in headlights. Brown told the blame-game committee member that he (the partisan hack) wanted Mike Brown to be a superhero and go to New Orleans and remove all the people. he also pointed out that Mississippi and Alabama had a fine FEMA response, and the FEMA effort worked in those states, it was only Louisiana where it didn’t work. hmm, i wonder if it has anything to do with Louisiana’s inept greedy governor and corrupt NOLA government?

hahaha, E.D. is interviewing Ann Coulter on F&F, and they’re talking about how Dan Rather wants to investigate the Bush National Guard thing… because it worked so well the first time.

ok, gotta go, i have to send out a final podcast script this morning.

life as a housewife is hard!

this morning i was up at 6:30 to make coffee and (turkey) bacon & an egg for Frank. i can never get the egg right. he likes them over easy, and as soon as the bottom of the egg becomes white, i start trying to flip it. an hour later, i finally get the stupid thing turned, and either i splatter the yolk in the turning process or i’ve already over-toasted the white on the bottom, which is now the top. anyway, they always end up over hard instead of over easy.

i forgot i had some survey questions to finish answering last night (this is why i wasn’t so good in public accounting, very forgetful, i blame my low growth hormone level), so i started finishing those after i made breakfast.

Frank and i are going to a press screening of Serenity tonight in Orlando, so i had to drive him to work so i can just pick him up when he gets off tonight and we can head straight to Orlando. so i packed his lunch and drove him to work. after i got home, i realized he left his lunch in the car. so i’ll be taking his lunch to him.

went by the grocery store for bread and crackers (not an Atkins dieter, obviously) and then came home and finished finishing the survey questions.

after getting the Weird Al song “eBay” stuck in my head, i’ve been surfing eBay all morning looking for wedding dresses. btw, anyone have a clue what ten vials of gold are doing in the wedding dress category?

i’m going to write the ending for the podcast this morning before i take Frank’s lunch to him. while i’m out i might find a cute new top to wear to the screening tonight. why? because i like to wear new stuff to new things.

when i get back home, i’ll watch a movie or something and finalize the podcast scripts… then i’ll go pick up Frank at work, and we’ll go to the movie.

wow, i’m already exhausted, and i’ve only been up for 4 hours.

S
P
O
I
L
E
R
S
P
A
C
E

ok, so last night’s episode of Arrested Development was one of the funniest episodes ever. there were so many jokes relating back to the first season. when Michael tells his sister that he got her a new car, and she asks if it’s the Volvo, and he says it’s more like a Lincoln, and then it turns out to be the log cabin (Lincoln? log cabin? get it?), i almost fell off the couch. and they all do their chicken impersonations in this episode, all of which are different, and they’re all the most ridiculous chickens ever. i don’t think we’ve seen George Michael do that, have we? i’m sure it will be great.

and George Sr., finding out that he’s under house arrest and is going to spend so much more time with Lucille, tells Michael that he must go back to prison instead. Michael, enjoying seeing his father squirm, yells out, “more touching!”, a throwback to the “no touching!” rule when they used to visit George Sr. in prison.

and Michael, trying to talk to a hot chick (Charlize Theron) - oh my goodness, it was great. everything he says to her is the wrong thing to say. Jason Bateman does an excellent job playing an idiot around women.

the best part, though, is the part about Andy Griffith not showing up for court to sit and look like Matlock next to George Sr. to win sympathy with the jury. when asked why Andy Griffith didn’t come to court, they say that Andy Griffith thought he was being mocked when they showed him his trailer, which happened to be the log cabin. Ron Howard, who narrates this show so brilliantly, says, “they were not mocking him… can’t emphasize that enough.” Frank was smart enough to pause the DVR at that moment, because we both almost fell off the couch, and he knew we wouldn’t recover in time for the next lines. so so funny.

if y’all aren’t watching this show, you should give it a shot.

we finished watching it last night.

S
P
O
I
L
E
R
A
L
E
R
T

great movie, till the end. the end sucked. what was the whole point of the movie? there was none. loved the martial arts and the knife throwing and whatnot, but what’s the point of a love story if the end is just someone dying and the bad guy living?

stupid.

after my 35 minute walk, i decided to be a good housewife and watch the Price is Right, and they played a great GEICO commercial. i truly thought it was a reality TV show ad, because yes, they would put a show about a married couple living in a tiny house on TV. and people would watch it.

You are Psalms.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

ok, my friend Rachelle sent me this. she’s Romans, and honestly, the first time i took the quiz, i was Romans too, but the description didn’t really fit me. who in the world would say i’m pushy and proud!

so i’m Psalms.

we know that ALIAS is going to have the most snark-worthy season ever, and i’m super happy about that. the show starts Thursday, and with Sydney pregnant with maybe-Vaughn’s baby (Bill Vaughn’s what i think), and with me spending my time as a housewife, this blog will be full of snarky ALIAS goodness.

LOST is fairly snarkworthy itself, and i’m having fun with theories and such. should i snark that one too? my first snarking priority will be ALIAS, of course, but in my free time i could do LOST too. any interest?

ok, so i’m tired of being a fat cow and not allowing myself to be photographed. i’m a model, so i should always want my picture taken, right? ;-) besides, i have a couple of t-shirts to model, but i refuse to do it while i’m so fluffy. then there’s that whole lose 15 pounds before the wedding thing. and that’s only 2.5 months away now. !!! 2.5?? holy cow. ok, just freaked myself out.

anyway, my running shorts and my sports bra are clean, my .mp3 player is loaded and before it becomes too stifling to breathe outside, i’m going to head out for a little run. and by little i mean, i’ll probably be able to run to the end of the street before pooping out. but i’ll walk after that.

i went to Wal-mart last night to pick up a dryer cord, because my cord was a 3-prong cord, and the plug here is 4-pronged. anyway, i picked up a few food items and then happened by sporting goods on the way back from the electrical section. i was on the phone with my mom, and when the sporting goods man asked if he could help me, i told my mom, “gotta go, gotta buy ammo.” the guy behind the counter found that highly amusing.

he and the man behind me in line were very impressed that i wanted 200 rounds each of 9mm and .380 FMJ, and do ya have .45? they started talking about how i’m the perfect girl, bringing home food and ammo. when i started talking football with them, their eyes were wide.

then last night when i got home i cleaned three of the guns (a 1991, my P99 and the Glock 17) all by myself, reassembled too. this morning i’ve cleaned one more 1991. still need to clean the Kel-tec .380, but i don’t know how to take it apart. oh well, maybe i’ll figure it out.

Friday night, i finished the barrel race in 59 seconds. that is all.

someone put a tree hat on Tiger Woods’s head and then dumped bleach on the uncovered spots. wow, if you ever want your hair to look like a quilt, ask Tiger how.

i blame the heavy drugs he’s on for his back pain.

me!! (and Frank)

first, we went to El Chico, and our El Chico finally has the Top-Shelf Shrimp Cocktail, which usually has one shot of tequila in the whole meal, which just adds spice and hardly has any alcohol, right? the lady seemed to pour half a bottle into my shrimp cocktail, so i ate all the avocado and some of the shrimp and had enough. i wanted to be fully alert for the day’s activities…

after El Chico, we went to Best Buy, where i found Cat’s Eye, one of the scariest movies i’ve ever seen, but which is all hooey, because cats don’t steal breath from children. only from horrible ex-husbands who deserve it. anyway, Cat’s Eye was $6.99. Frank also got Myst V, which we will apparently be playing this evening, and he got $10 off so that he got the special edition one for the same price as the regular one. and we got the latest Weird Al CD, which is superfunny, and the front cover parodies Billy Joel’s Turnstiles cover, so i decided Weird Al is cool. plus he has a song about how he’s an idiot, but he’s considered a genius in France. hahahahaha.

after Best Buy, we went to Men’s Wearhouse, and Frank had $100 in gift certificates to spend, so he bought a roll-up suitcase for his suits, which was $99.99. the gift certificates cover the tax involved, too, so he didn’t pay anything. of course, he asked the girl if that meant she owed him a penny. we all giggled, and i called him a goofy goof on our way out the door.

after Men’s Wearhouse, we went to my main destination: Jo-Ann Fabric opened today. and they were having huge sales on floral supplies and flowers, so i grabbed a few wedding flowers. Jo-Ann was also having a sale on wedding supplies and accessories. 50% off everything. at Jo-Ann, i got floral tape, floral wire, some flowers, the guest pen and guest book (matching!) for the wedding, 200 invitations (with response cards, so i get to return the response cards i already bought), 2 garters (1 to keep, 1 for tossing), the petals for the flower girl basket and a cloth tape measure (impulse buy at the checkout queue) for $122. !!!

after that, we drove near home, and Frank got a haircut while i got my first pedicure in ages. the pedicure was the best pedicure i’ve ever had (even the ones that involved paraffin wax weren’t this good), and it was only $20!

it’s been a good day.

especially compared with yesterday, which had me crying and lost in Orlando in wretched big-city traffic and put me home 2 hours later than i wanted to be home. i don’t want to talk about it.

but today, today was good.

i got through the barrel race (solo) in 1:02 last night and got six shots at Match that Badge! yay me! Frank did really well too and stuff. we’ve gotten golds on all the Chimp songs now, and we’ve bought some Gorillas and cleared a few.

anyway, today i’ll go to Orlando since i didn’t get to go Wednesday. i’m dropping off a washing machine and going to David’s Bridal and Joann. and probably Chipotle for lunch.

we’ll have Indian food for dinner.

oh, next Tuesday, Frank and i get to go to the press screening for Serenity in Orlando! we’re really excited, and i need to finish the 3rd comic before Tuesday.

ok, been writing for the podcast all morning, need a break from typing. more later today!

i googled “chicken tikke masala recipe”, and i’m the 4th or 5th entry. that won’t help me.

NUMB3RS premiers tomorrow. tonight is Joey, and we haven’t watched LOST from last night.

i haven’t had a significant one since Friday. hmm….

on Price is Right just now, they were showing the showcases, and this older guy got stuck bidding on the showcase that had an electric car. you should have seen his face when they showed the electric car. unless i misinterpreted, it was a look of “hmm. a car for hippies. thanks, Bob.”

he didn’t look like a hippie. :-)

ouch, double-overbid. that stinks.

here’s what should have happened:

HORATIO: Here we go. Let’s solve this crime and beat the new Miami mafia.
CALLIE: Yes, let’s, and then I’m going to perform an experiment of my own.
ERIC: Where’d she come from?
SARAHK: Good question. She quit at the end of last season.
HORATIO: Oh yeah. Let me ’splain. Callie took a month off after the detective offed himself because she wouldn’t be his lover. We thought she quit, but no, here she came, right back to work. This is her first job back, she hasn’t even seen our bright shiny new offices yet. Welcome back, Callie.
RYAN: Oh, hi Callie. Back so soon? No big entrance? Signed your contract then?
CALLIE: Yeah, I just needed a little summer break. But now I’m back, no big deal. You go to trace, I’ll go to the place where I shoot guns.

but here’s what happened:

HORATIO: Here we go.
commercial…

slo-mo entrance, Horatio, then Callie, then Eric, then Ryan, then the camera pans around to all of them, and they’re walking walking walking slow slow slow, and i’m going would ya please speed up? we’ve only got an hour!
then Horatio briefs the team on the case and tells them about the evilness that is the new mafia they’re going to fight. then, not even looking in Callie’s direction, looking at Eric,

HORATIO: Oh, and… welcome back.

Eric smiles, they don’t even show Callie. Later, at the police palace, Callie walks in and is in awe about the floors and the rest of the renovations that have been done because of the apparent success of the TV show.

that was the weakest bring-back of a character i’ve ever seen. and i used to watch Days of our Lives!! that’s saying something.

yesterday’s plans changed a bit. Hurricane Rita dumped rain on us all day long, and i didn’t want to drive to Orlando in the mess that was.

Frank left his lunch behind, or rather i forgot to hand it to him as he walked out the door, so when i left at 10:30 to go to Orlando, i took his lunch to him at work. it made me giggle, doing that. when i left his work, i made my change of plans and decided instead to do a little wedding dress shopping in Melbourne.

i found one shop whose parking lot didn’t look too far from the front door, so i stopped in. i know the lady in the shop thought i was picky picky picky, but i told her i knew that and that it was my first day looking. i tried on 3 dresses, all Jasmine brand (apparently i like that designer), all more expensive than i’m looking for. i loved them all on me, and i looked best in the ivory one, because it looked best with my skin tone and hair.

after that, i was done for the day with the wedding dresses. it was still raining buckets, so i went to Michaels to look for more wedding stuff. their flower selection has always been subpar (flowers just not so pretty), though i will say it’s improved over the years. i wish i had a Hobby Lobby, they have the prettiest flowers. maybe Joann will have something good on Saturday. anyway, i found thank you notes at Michaels, which means i can now actually start sending those out. i also found candy, and i was hungry.

after Michaels, i’d had enough for the day. i mean, that was significant time spent not reading or sleeping, so it was time to go home. as soon as i turned onto our street, the rain stopped completely, didn’t even downgrade to a drizzle, just stopped as the rain has done all week here. that almost messed up my plans for a nap under the canopy of rain sounds, but i started reading Prisoner of Azkaban and fell right to sleep.

after my two hour nap, it was time to salvage the day with a little cleaning. so i cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes, even the gross ones. and i unpacked a kitchen box, which had a bounty of kitchen stuff i’d really been missing. utensils (including all of my good spatulas), a glass cover that actually fits my biggest skillets (yay!), and the carafe for my pretty coffee maker, which means that Frank’s ugly one can go away now. :-)

i made dinner for when Frank got home. it was a good day.

btw, later last night, we played Donkey Konga 2 again. we’ve cleared all the Monkey modes and are 3/4 of the way through the Chimp mode songs in the Street Performance. we’ve unlocked one Gorilla song and laughed our pinkytoes off on our one attempt. we didn’t even get close to clearing it. but one thing that’s helping us is at the end of each evening, we play the barrel race where we compete against each other in clearing the notes the fastest. i’ve improved tremendously in the Street Performance, and i think it’s because of the barrel racing. last night i got what is a new record for both of us, cleared it in 1:07. my goal is to clear in under a minute.

i tossed and turned all night. amazingly, i actually feel wide awake after making Frank’s coffee. not because i made the coffee, just because.

woke up with a headache, but it’s gone now.

my sweet kitty is sitting here on the bed looking at me. in the middle of the night, she brought me a piece of wax. she’s the sweetest and the cutest.

yesterday i went up to where i used to work and finished up some stuff. Jennifer and i had lunch at Longhorn, where i had the 7-pepper steak salad that i’m so fond of. after i left there, i went to Joann Fabric to see if it had opened, but it doesn’t open until Friday. i was sad, too, because i really wanted to find stationery, and i’ve cleaned out Michaels and the Rag Shop. and we don’t have a Hobby Lobby (it’s torture). but Joann’s having a 50%-off sale on all their floral this Saturday, so i need to go there then anyway.

then i had nothing really to do, so i went by the post office, went to the grocery store, and came home. opened more wedding presents from Lair, who bought everything on our registries apparently ;-) then Frank was home. so we played video games together, and it was funny, because i was his backup shooter. haha. i spent most of the time looking at my feet, because i’m not coordinated enough to use both joysticks, plus buttons, plus analog. i made deluxe nachos w/ guac and sour cream for dinner. then we watched the hilarious season premiere of Arrested Development and the opening minutes of CSI: Miami so we could watch Horatio do his sunglasses thing. played Donkey Konga 2 for a while and then Frank kept playing games when i went to bed.

it was a full day.

today, i’m going to Orlando to look for a wedding dress. i’m also taking a washing machine to Jamie, which means that i get to move my washing machine inside! very excited about that, more settings and all.

then i need a big nap.

hey look! i have a new advertiser that i didn’t approve! it’s weird, i’ve not been able to get into Blogads for the longest time, and even though i’ve emailed back and forth with them, and they tell me my password is what i keep typing in, i can’t get in to view the ads or approve them or decline them…

anyway, please visit my advertiser, they have unicorn hair and dragons, and you can make your own Harry Potter wand. i had a good laugh.

Frank got me the new Jason Mraz CD, Mr. A-Z, and i love it. love it. love it.

my favorite songs are Wordplay, Mr. Curiosity (especially the opera part), and the reprise on the last song. there aren’t any songs on there that i hate, even Did You Get My Message? and Geek in the Pink. i like them all and love most of them.

haven’t watched the DVD yet.