Such women haters. Misogynists, always trying to keep the women down. Unlike Team Obama.

McCain went all-in with his VP pick, and I think it’s going to be huge with the conservatives. It’s huge in our household, anyway. How much do I love this Sarah Palin pick? This morning, I told Frank something I never thought I would say, “If McCain picks her, I will actually donate to his campaign.” Well played, McCain, well played.

This is all I’ve been able to think about today, so I’m sure I’ll have more to say.

I really want to know who McCain’s running mate will be, but I also have to work today. Rarr.

Occasionally I take these digestive enzymes (Garden of Life omega-zyme, or horseshoe-zyme, as Frank calls it), mainly when I go out to eat to make sure I don’t get sick from the dairy that will almost surely make it into my food. The wheat is, believe it or not, easier to avoid than the dairy, and I’m always worried that they’ve brushed butter onto my meat before they cooked it, and I sometimes forget to tell them to leave the cheese off my salad. I pick it off, but the traces are what worry me. I’m thankfully not quite as sensitive to the dairy as I am to gluten, but I make sure I take enzymes with lactase just in case.

When I originally bought these particular enzymes, I pored over the main ingredients, the inactive ingredients, all that. I’ve noticed that every time I’ve used them, they haven’t necessarily helped me to not get sick, and in fact, I took some last week before eating some grilled chicken, and I had headaches for days, plus my brain fog and muscle and skin symptoms. I assumed that since the chicken was grilled, the grill must have been contaminated with gluten (beer, soy sauce, barbecue sauce) like our grill that we left in Florida was (I used to cook na’an on it).

Well today I took my enzymes, because I made a broccoli cheese casserole (what can I say, I’ve missed cheese). Right after I swallowed the enzymes, I noticed that one section of the ingredients list has two columns. I, um, never saw that before — I half think that the second column magically appeared to mess with my head. And I know you’ve already gotten to the big denouement, but I’ll tell you anyway. Yup. I glutened me. Right there in the second column, malt diastase is listed.

Awesome.

Yeah, I already have the headache and muscle aches. They came on lightning fast this time (gel-caps, of course). It seems that my symptoms come more quickly than ever. The only drawback to being off gluten for a long time is that when you do accidentally (or stupidly, in my case) have it, you get symptoms faster, and they linger much worse than they did before going gluten-free. I actually think it’s just that you notice them more, since you actually feel good most of the time, whereas before you just felt like a giant terdball all the time.

I’m off to bed. The brain fog is setting in, and I don’t think I can finish typing up the next volume of my gluten-free menu or rant about my not being chosen as the new American Idol judge or even riff on the ridiculous article this week that blamed Buffy the Vampire Slayer for women leaving the Church of England. Ooh, the tinglies just started, as did the electric tongue. You wish you were me, and you know it.

Toodaloo, mon peepsies.

SarahK, where are your posts? You’re so quiet!

Still adjusting to the new schedule, but I’ve got a few half-written posts and several planned. I hope to be able to write at lunch. You can’t wait.

We’re going to flexible schedules at work. Couldn’t have come at a better time, because starting yesterday, Rowdi is staying home alone during the day, and the cats are in the garage. With the flexible work schedule, I’m going to be able to work from home in the afternoons, which means we don’t have to drive home at lunch (a forty minute round trip) to let Rowdi out and make sure the cats are okay in the garage (I worry about the heat). Instead I’ll get to go home, let Rowdi out to pee, let the cats into the house, and get back to work. We won’t be able to carpool to and from work anymore, but we’ll save about $300 a month. $425 for unsupervised doggie “daycare” (if care means putting the dogs in the back yard and checking on them once or twice throughout the day) versus $120 extra in gas each month? Yeah, I’m good with that.

So now I need to find a desk for home. And a comfy desk chair (but not too comfy).

We should watch the local news more, because the cold front (and the insane wind gusts it brought with it) caught us completely by surprise. We’re supposed to have a high in the seventies today.

I have pictures and an injured toe from last night, but those will have to come later, as the news kind of has me in no mood to finish my post about it. Meanwhile, ten homes were destroyed and one person is dead after the fires last night. We’re fine, but I think Rowdi is still angry at the big bad wind that attacked the house. If she could have caught it, I’m pretty sure she would have killed it.

Alice H is in Denver and has lots of pictures of the protests going on at the convention. Here is the latest installment, but after that go to her homepage and see the rest. Poor horses, having to wear windshields.

How wrong is it that they’ve devoted maybe a total of one hour of TV time to the Decathlon, the epitome of Olympic sport, and showed at least three hours of men’s racewalking? We need to see all 50K of that? No. We need to see the Olympic Decathlon.

Very wrong.

I want to see the Decathlon! It’s the best of the track and field! These are probably the most well-rounded athletes in the Olympiad, and we get five seconds here, five seconds there.

Grr. Argh.

Bee stings hurt.

I went back for my follow-up with Dr. Super-Fantastico today. She’s being downgraded to Dr. Average for the time being. I was sitting in the exam room waiting for her to come in, and I actually heard her say, “Yeah, why don’t you go ahead and start with her, and I’ll come in later. I’m going to skip ahead to this other patient.” I was the patient being skipped, and considering that I was on time for my appointment, it did kinda annoy me. She sent in a PA student, bless her heart. I felt for the girl, she felt rather clueless. She did fine.

Long story short(ish, Kate P, short-ish), the homocysteine was normal and the MMA results aren’t in yet. Dr. Average did not check my calcium levels, but my vitamin D levels are good, and the two usually go up and down together. I did ask her about checking my calcium, and she kinda seemed disinterested in that and basically blew me off. She checks it on everyone else when she runs just a basic blood panel, but she didn’t check it on me, because we skipped the basic and went right to the specifics. The PA student told me that most people are well above 800 on the B-12, so 271 is lower than they usually see, even though it’s normal. Since the MMA results aren’t in, Dr. Average is considering it normal and doesn’t want to pursue a B-12 deficiency. She basically told me I can take a B-complex if I want, but she doesn’t think it will do anything. And then she had nothing to offer. I looked right at her. “So… you’re out of ideas? What about calcium?” She ignored that and asked if I’ve tried Prozac for the tingling. Prozac. When are doctors going to stop implying that I’m depressed? I’m chronically ill! You expect me to be yippy skippy when I walk into your office and you tell me you don’t know what to do about me and you act like you’ve given up after running one set of tests?! This is why depression is a symptom of most chronic illnesses. People get tired of being sick and tired of doctors asking if they’d just like some Prozac. I calmly and non-confrontationally told her that I’m not a fan of taking random meds just to see if they’ll work, don’t like meds in general, and I prefer to find out the root causes of my problems rather than just throw band-aids at them. She offered nothing, and I was stunned. Last appointment, she seemed so thorough and interested, and this time, she skipped ahead of me and ignored everything I said. She said they’ll keep checking for the MMA results, and we’ll see you in two months. For what? To go over the results of the additional tests you’re *not* running? Run my calcium or refer me to an endocrinologist. Please. Of course, I didn’t think to ask for the referral again until I was already out of downtown. I just left dejected and got weepy. Maybe I should have said yes please to the Prozac.

Oh, she also ignored that my lymphocyte count on my labs came back barely under the low end of normal. It’s bolded and starred on the report (yes, I did get a copy), and she didn’t even mention it.

Meanwhile, as the student PA and I had waited for Dr. Average to finish with the patient she’d skipped me for, PA student asked if there was anything else… I said, “Yeah. Do you know what this is?” I held up my index finger. It’s had this thing on it for over a year, a blistery-looking thing, and it drives me nuts. I’ve pulled it off, cut it off, and dug it out — all three of those give me the same results — lots of blood and a recurring thingy on my finger. It’s gross, and I always pick at it. Student PA looked at it and said, “Yeah, I think I do.” “Is it a wart?” I could barely choke out the words, but whatevs, maybe she could help me not be so gross anymore. “If you pick at it, do you get little black flecks?” Um, gross, and yes. “Then it’s a wart. We can freeze it off for you if you’d like.” Sure, why not. And ew. I have a wart. I’m the Wicked Witch of the Pacific Northwest.

When Dr. Average was back in the room, PA Student got to remove my wart. I felt so sorry for her. She shaved layers off at a time with a razorblade, and it didn’t hurt until she got down to the capillaries and I started bleeding. When they were sufficiently happy with the amount of blood pouring forth from my disgusting little friend, they got out the liquid nitrogen to freeze it so they could try to kill the virus. Did y’all know warts are caused by HPV? Me either. Ok, so they said that it would feel like a bee sting when they froze the wound. I’ve never been stung by a bee, so I was like, yeah, ok, go ahead. Holy crap. I don’t ever want to be stung by a bee. And they froze it three times. My finger still hurts. Hopefully soon I’ll have a normal finger.

*I was busy writing my looong medical post last night (ahem, thanks for pointing out how long it was, Kate P), and I didn’t pause to yell and whoop about Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin going 1-2 on the balance beam and Jonathan Horton winning the silver on high bar. So let me just tell y’all: I did yell and whoop and cheer and pump fists and all that.

*Uhm, I know that my boyfriend Sasha fell off his high horse (pommel variety), but he still should have been in the (ridiculously short) gymnastics gala. Did they only show five people in the gala? Or are we just midway through or something? Weird.

*I was rooting hard for Walter Dix in the 200M. Usain Bolt won it in world record time, and I was pleased that he actually leaned forward at the finish line. Of course, his antics afterward make me still wish someone had handed him his pinkytoe on a platter, but whatevs. I had a Benadryl today, so I’m too tired to throw anything at the TV. Good grief, peeps, someone stomp on that guy’s toes. And Wallace Spearman has been DQ’d from the bronze. Shawn Crawford gets the bronze now, with Walter Dix in fourth. The silver medalist, according to the announcers and the video playbacks, is guilty of the same thing Spearman did (running in another runner’s lane). USA is protesting Spearman’s DQ. And they interview Usain Bolt, and you know, when he’s not jumping around like a giant tool and beating his chest like he’s king of the jungle, he’s pretty personable.

*Oh yay! Walter Dix will get the bronze after all! I think I’ve been cheering for him because every time they interview him, he seems like a class act and a good guy. He’s not overjoyed about the bronze when he gets the news. “I still lost,” he half-jokes with his agent. Yes, but you won a fan this week, so call it even. Congrats to him and to our silver medalist, Shawn Crawford.

*I wish they’d stop calling the Athens 10M platform diving gold medalist the “defending champion.” She’s not even competing, so I think it’s safe to say she’s not defending anything.

*The little anorexic Chinese diver — I can barely stand to look at her. They chose her for diving because she doesn’t like to eat.

Bedtime. I’ll have to watch the conclusion of diving and the women’s beach volleyball final tomorrow. Nighty night.

Hopeful. It’s hard to imagine using that word and really, truly meaning it with regards to my health problems. But I am fairly hopeful today.

I saw my epileptologist today; I had my appointment moved way up because they don’t give results over the phone, and I wasn’t willing to wait until the end of September to get my diagnosis (or undiagnosis). So they put me in with the PA, and the epileptologist and his shadowing med student came in halfway through the appointment.

I felt really, really bad for the PA. He was sporting a migraine, and by the way he was having a hard time finishing his sentences, I could tell it was a doozy. I’ve had many migraines just as debilitating, and I know that you simply cannot function. I don’t know how you even deal with patients in that state.

I briefly went over my medical history with him, the gluten trouble, all that. I made a point of mentioning that as soon as I stopped gluten, my migraines went away, and I only have one if I get glutened. He looked at me with wide eyes. “That is huge,” he said. I agreed. I gave him a brief overview of celiac and gluten intolerance and pointed out that over 50% of true celiacs have no GI symptoms at all. Later, as we ended the appointment, he told me that he’s going to keep celiac and gluten intolerance in mind for his other patients. I hope he is able to help at least some of them.

I told the PA about my appointment with Dr. Super-Fantastico and the labs coming back normal. Also told him I’d reduced my night dose of Keppra to 500 (from 1000) and that nothing has gotten worse, and if anything, the facial radiations and scalp tinglies have decreased. He left, and in a few minutes, the PA came back with the epileptologist and the shadowing med student.

EEG results are in. It is very unlikely that I have epilepsy. I am still reeling a little about the results, though. The EEG showed an abnormality, a slowing of brain activity in the left temporal lobe. My Florida EEG also showed an abnormality in the left temporal lobe, so that is consistent across two EEGs, so it was there in 2006 and is there in 2008. My doctor said it is non-specific, meaning it is not seizure-related and they don’t know the cause. It could be a tumor (but that is unlikely considering I’ve had an enhanced brain MRI and a full body MRI), I could have a brain injury from a hard hit to the head (I don’t remember any other than my normal klutzy head-hitting, but then again, I might not remember something that would injure my brain like that), or it’s possible I’ve had a stroke in the past. The only major accident I can think of is my big bike crash in 2002, the one that left me with a volleyball-sized thigh bruise — nay, contusion — that lingered for six months, but I don’t remember hitting my head on the pavement, only killing my right thigh, scarring up my right forearm in a nasty way, and taking a nice chunk out of my left knee. I was wearing a helmet, too. Stroke, on the other hand, seems pretty likely. Migraineurs have twice as much stroke risk as people who do not suffer migraines, and add in oral contraceptives (I was on them for eight years total), and the risk is multiplied by eight.

As a side note, I like what about.com says about when you should go to the ER:

*If you have the worst headache or Migraine of your life. Extreme head pain can be a symptom of a stroke.
*If you have a severe, unremitting Migraine for more than 72 hours, it is Status Migrainous, and you should call your doctor or go to the ER.

Lemme tell you, anytime you have a migraine headache, you have extreme head pain. I mean, there are dull migraines, but they still hurt. The big killer ones came very often for me before Ceri and others helped me find my poison in gluten. “If you have the worst headache or Migraine of your life” describes many headaches for me. I remember when I first had them, I had been having them for a couple of months and was living at my apartment in Bedford, working for the CPA firm in Fort Worth. I had one spell where I didn’t get out of bed except for peeing and small amounts of food and water for a good three days, because I was in so much pain. That was the worst one. There were many that made me cry, but that killer was during the period when I had to wear sunglasses indoors at midnight. I wasn’t yet used to the headaches, and I felt tortured.

So yeah, I can see stroke as a possibility for my slow left temporal lobe.

Oh, and the EEG report that suggested the epilepsy in the first place? The person who wrote the report said my left temporal lobe slowing was consistent with what boils down to hypotension-triggered-seizures. I said, “Wait, does that say my low blood pressure triggers seizures?” Yep, that’s what it says. My doc thought it was “cute.”

I mentioned the normal blood tests to the epileptologist and that Dr. Super-Fantastico had thought B-12 could be the culprit on the tinglies. He asked if I knew where in the normal range I was, and no, I have that appointment Thursday. So they got on the phone with Dr. Super-Fantastico’s office to ask them to fax over the lab results. Meanwhile, he explained to me that if the B-12 is in the normal range, but low in the normal range, and if my — hang on, they wrote it down for me — homocysteine and methylmalonic acid (MMA) levels are elevated, then I would still have a functional B-12 deficiency. The labs came in, and their eyes got all big, and they all hovered. Dr. Epilepsy (who is actually Dr. Wechsler) said that anything below 350 is in the danger zone for B-12 deficiency, and I’m at 271. I smiled big and got all high-school-giddy. “Really? That would be so great!”

So here’s what we’re doing. He wrote up the order for the homocysteine and MMA blood tests (I went straight to the hospital and dropped off some blood for that), and we’re decreasing my Keppra. They’re going to monitor me closely over the next two months. I drop my Keppra by 250mg for six days, then by another 250 for three weeks. Meanwhile, he’s hoping the bloodwork will be done in time for my appointment with Dr. Super-Fantastico this week, and he’s going to send it to her as soon as he has it. If it does show a mild B-12 deficiency, Dr. S-F would be the one to do the B-12 shots for me. I get the B-12 shots, and in a month, I call Dr. Epilepsy to tell him if I’m feeling better and having fewer tinglies. If I start to get worse with the lowering of the Keppra, I come in right away to see him. I see him again in two months, and if I’m feeling better and the B-12 is helping, then he can un-diagnose me with epilepsy.

We’ll see. If the new blood work shows elevated levels, I’m going to ask Dr. Super-Fantastico if I should see a cardiologist. I don’t like the whole possibility of stroke thing, and elevated homocysteine sounds like a possible risk factor for heart disease, stroke, all that fun stuff. BUT, and this is for my mother, who is probably “stroking out,” as she is wont to say in these situations, the B-12 deficiency would be the cause of the elevated homocysteine, and the gluten intolerance would be the cause of my B-12 deficiency. I’ve only had the symptoms of B-12 deficiency for two years and the GI for four, so no need to stroke out over this just yet, Ma.

I’ll keep you posted. It’s what I do.

says that I do great writing, and he values my information. Thanks, super-spammer! I value the life I dream you have, in a prison cell with a big, ugly cellmate.

One of the best musicians in the world has died. LeRoi Moore, whose bari sax solos have made me tingle with joy at Dave Matthews Band concerts, died unexpectedly today. He had an ATV accident about six weeks ago and was recovering at home.

I’m just in shock. So sad. What a great talent.

R.I.P., LeRoi. You will always rock my sox.

Spinning on the wind
The leaf fell from the limb

But everyday should be a good day to die
Oh all fall down
It won’t be too long now
Every fire dies
I find it hard to explain how I got here
I think I can I think I can
Then again I will falter
Dream little darling dream

Spinning on the wind
The leaf fell from the limb

-from “You Never Know”

My new hero is this woman:

State police said an 85-year-old Lake Lynn woman is being credited with stopping a would-be thief after she caught the teen in her home Sunday afternoon.

Smith said she had just come home from church when she noticed a door open at her home and an outer door broken.

Oh no. She bitterly clings to religion.

Lieberum said Smith immediately realized someone was in her home and decided to retrieve her handgun and went looking for the intruder.

Uh oh. Religion *and* guns. She’s 85, she notices someone has broken into her home, and she decides to just handle up. It gets better:

“I saw him move by my keyboard near the wall but I just walked right on past him to the bedroom and got my gun,” Smith said, noting that she started keeping the .22-caliber revolver by her bed after a burglary at a neighboring home several weeks ago.

I love that she heard about other burglaries and decided to protect herself and her home.

Smith ordered the teen to turn around and not to run and then had him pick up the telephone and dial 911.

That’s my favorite part. “I’m gonna continue to stand here and point my gun at you while you call the authorities on yourself.” And then, the humiliations galore.

Officials from 911 stayed on the telephone with Smith as she had the boy lay facedown and spread-eagled on the floor.

Just in case he thought he might try to take on the gun-totin’ granny. And I love her response to the incident. It was exciting for her, and she just hopes she’s put a stop to all of the burglaries around town.

Congratulations, Leda Smith, on being my new BFF and also on totally pwning that kid.

(story found at Technicalities)

*When I got home from work, I watched yesterday’s softball game, US v. China. By about the sixth run in the first inning, Frank was asking if they have a mercy rule (in Texas we call it a skunk rule). Lucky for China, there is a skunk rule, and they only had to play five innings against our amazing team. I’m quite sure that the reason softball is being taken out of the Olympic games is because the Americans dominate it so hard, and hey, one fewer guaranteed gold medals for us.

*We love the Russian pole vaulter who says, “If people want to take picture, pleasure. If video, pleasure. I feel badder if nobody wants to look at me.” She’s adorable and goofy. Frank: “She knows enough English you can understand her, but not enough to stop being cute.” I think he’s saying that once women start talking in a language you can understand, they stop being cute. HEY!

*The other night when Usain Bolt won the 100M, all the showboating annoyed me, but not that much. But the more I think about it, the more I want someone to hand him his pinkytoe in the 200M and then be a perfect gentleman about it (Walter Dix has my vote). Show him how a real champion behaves. Bob Costas and Al someone were talking about it this morning, and Bob was pretty stern about the taunting of the other runners. I like when Bob gets stern. Blerg, there he is again, preening pre-race and post-race. Twit. (I mean Bolt, not Bob. I love Bob ever since about… well, whichever is the first Olympics I can remember watching.)

*Go, Stephanie Brown Trafton! She won gold for us in the discus throw! The first American woman to do so since 1932. I’m so proud.

*I won’t be finishing last night’s events, because Frank got distracted and accidentally deleted that episode of “Summer Olympics” when he was supposed to be deleting the US/China softball game.

*Misty May-Treanor & Kerri Walsh are about to close out Brazil in their semifinal match, Kerri playing without the big ink blob of tape on her shoulder. I’ve been tickled by the athletes attending the different events. Kobe and Lebron James have showed up at a lot of events, particularly the swimming. And now they’re at the women’s beach volleyball match. Kobe always looks totally star-struck, like he’s hoping he can get an autograph. I like it when superstars look up to other superstars. And YES, our team wins and will face one of two Chinese teams in the final!

*Hey, look at that! Women’s trampoline final! In prime time! That looks incredibly scary. They jump so high! What if they fall off?

*I love Bela Karolyi. And I love that Bob Costas is letting him declare that the judging during this Olympiad is whack. See what I did? I just declared Bob Costas the head of NBC. If he were, I would probably watch it more often.

*Um, that old dude (and by old, I mean he’s somewhere around my age) who did the “Victorian” on the still rings? Dude. Oooh, Yang Wei didn’t win the rings! It’s good for him and good for the sport if he doesn’t win every gold medal he set out to win.

*Yelena Izinbayeva is the name of the precious Russian who would love to be in Hollywood. Dang, that girl can pole vault. Ooh! It’s to Izinbayeva (best female pole vaulter in history is what the announcers are saying) and Stu… Uhm, apparently, I was waiting to see Stuczynski’s name on screen again before I finished that sentence. Anyway, Janice Stuczynski (American) wins the silver medal, and Izinbayeva sets a new world record on her last vault. She goes over to her coach afterward, and he has no words of congratulations except, after his lecture, he does say in a rather oh-well-ho-hum tone, “Hey. It’s a silver medal. Not bad for someone who’s only been pole vaulting for four years.” And then he kind of dismisses her. How about, “YOU’RE AMAZING! YOU’VE ONLY BEEN DOING THIS FOUR YEARS, AND YOU WON AN OLYMPIC SILVER MEDAL! BRILLIANT!” Her coach is kind of a tool. Way to suck the wind out of her silver medal sails.

*We sweep the men’s 400M hurdles. Go us! In light of this, I won’t rag on the dude who feels the need to wear his sunglasses at night. So he can, so he can… you know the rest.

*Nastia goes against one of the cheating Chinese toddlers in the uneven bar finals. 16.725 for the toddler. Shocker: Nastia’s mom is actually in the building. She must have felt the seethe coming at her from America. Nastia’s routine is beautiful. 16.725 for Nastia, who should have scored higher than the toddler, no doubt. She was just better. So they’re tied, and I give that a big WHATEVS… They’re tied, but the computer has ranked Nastia second. Nastia looks ticked. off. And I don’t blame her. China’s second toddler is up. Looks good but not as good as Nastia or her cheating Chinese toddler teammate. 16.65 for her. Semenova is the last woman up. She’s not good enough. Get the Australian judge a calculator, because manual math is just too hard for him/her. The gymnastics judging has been total bullcrap, and I’m seriously considering ditching gymnastics for that ridiculous sport of handball when 2012 rolls around.

Stories like this are why I don’t go more than toe-deep in the ocean (that’s shallower than ankle-deep). Rachel went kayaking in the ocean on a no-swimming-allowed day and almost got herself killed. Go read the story; it’s a great story of pain and suffering and near death.

Speaking of Mrs. Piera doing crazy things, she’s training for the Disney Marathon. But she’s doing it for a good cause: she’s joined the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training to help fight blood cancers. It’s a great cause, and the LLS fights a great fight. If you would like to help Rachel in the fight against blood cancers, please go donate at her LLS page.

I’m a wonderful actress!

*I’m trying not to like Kobe. He’s making it really hard on me, because he’s all patriotic and proud to play for his country, speaks at least three languages, and cracks me up. I’m still succeeding in not liking him, but just barely. Well played, Bryant.

*Bob Costas just interviewed Michael Phelps and his mom, Debbie. Classy guy, great mom, I just love them to pieces.

*The male commentator from the rowing events sounds like Alan Colmes. I told Frank this, and he (playing his DS and only listening to the TV) said, “Oh, I thought that’s who it was.” WAY TO GO USA WOMEN’S ROWING EIGHT! And I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for singing along to the national anthem! I love it, they were practically screaming the anthem!

*Oh, earlier I was watching the women’s 100M (track) heats (or maybe it was 100M hurdles, I don’t remember), and there was an American girl who came in second in her race. Her weave was, I’m not kidding, almost to her waist. I think she might have gotten first in her heat if she wasn’t carrying around so much weight on her head.

*My hat is off to Guo JingJing. I mean, if I wore hats. Unless I’m hanging out in the desert sun all day, I generally don’t wear hats. I would wear bonnets if they were still in vogue. Maybe I need to move to southern Utah or northern Arizona.

*Men’s floor exercise final. The Russian guy was just fantastic. 15.725, great score, deserved score (good job, judges! Those flash cards are helping your subtraction skills!). The Brazilian gymnast — he needs a year’s subscription to the SarahK Cheering Up Pie Club. I actually cried for him when he walked off crying.

*Lauryn Williams looks and talks just like my friend Kisha from Florida. I love Lauryn’s dog, but I wonder why his eyes are so bloodshot. She should check his crate for drugs. I also love her explanation for why she has a Great Dane. “When I was growing up, I always had this impression that wealthy people all have butlers and Great Danes. So I consider this a high-class dog.”

*Alicia Sacromone’s interview was nice. And I’m glad to see her first vault was great. Second is good. 15.537 is her average. Cheng Fei lands on her knees on her vault and is still ahead of Alicia. WHATEVS. I take back what I said about the improvement of the judges. I have to admit, I’m happy for the Russiouzbekigerman 33-year-old who just took the lead in the vault. Oksana Chusovitina. But now after the next vaulter, Alicia is out of the medals. That’s too bad for her. And wow, Oksana has a silver medal! I’m really happy for her. North Korea has a gold medal, and I’m sure the North Korean girl is just amazed and thrilled to have seen electricity for the first time in her life. Ouch, Alicia is out of the medals by hundredths of a point, beat out for bronze by Lands-On-Her-Knees Cheng. Oh yay! Bela is on with Bob again. He will agree with me. “It was a REEPUFF, BAB. A REEPUFF.” He is incensed.

*I am holding my breath here. My boyfriend Sasha (he’s no longer my new boyfriend, as we’ve been seeing each other for over a week now) is on the pommel horse. Should have held by breath longer, as he fell off the horse. Returned to fabulousness when he got back on with that high-flying helicopter thingy, but it’s not enough. He scores under 15, and I need to pinch and kiss his little RussioAmerican cheeks (the face ones) to make it all better for him. But I’m pretty sure he’s just thrilled to even be in Beijing. Wow, the Croatian got the silver (first gymnastics medal ever for Croatia), and Great Britain holds on to bronze and keeps China to only one medal in this event!

*Nastia and the Beefy Peach (thanks, Tracey, even Frank knows them as that now) are on the floor routine. Shawn Johnson will go first, and Nastia will be seventh. Shawn nails her routine and gets a 15.5, the second-highest score for women’s floor routine all week. Jiang Yuyuan is third (the Russian who was second wasn’t even close to Shawn), and I’d just like to point out that this girl is totally underage. She’ll be close to Shawn, but she shouldn’t score higher, in my unprofessional and totally patriotic opinion. 15.35. Large sigh of relief from me. This Brazilian girl has so much energy! It’s too bad she went out of bounds twice, because I enjoyed her energy. But wow, how many Red Bulls did she have before she went on? I was getting the jitters just watching all that energy come out of her. Poor Anna Pavlova, today is just not her day. Cheng Fei just stumbled a bit on her standing twirly thingy, and wow, fell. She’s out of the medals. Shawn Johnson is guaranteed a medal. Nastia up next. She nails her routine too. And… Nastia has a 15.425! So it’s Shawn 1, Nastia 2. Sandra Izbasa is last to go, and she’s flawless. I don’t think as great as our top two, but she did go last, so she has an advantage. 15.65, she takes the gold right out of Shawn’s hands. Shawn gets silver, Nastia gets bronze, and China is shut out of the medals.

And that’s where I stop for tonight, because it’s bedtime.

Yep, watching the Olympics.

*4×100 men’s medley relay, we cruise in easily to the final.

*Nastia and Shawn talking to Bob Costas with Bela also on the couch with them. Nastia had to text the results to her mom after she won. Whatevs.

*Poor Bob Costas. Bela was all bumpy all over him. It sounds like Shawn tumbled to music from Firefly or Serenity. Aw, I just love those two girls. They’re precious. First 1-2 finishers in the all-around in American history. And spontaneous applause from the NBC crew on set. I’m crying like a big old baby. I think if anyone saw the interview with those two together, they’d never have to ask us Olympic junkies why we love them so much. Moments like that.

*I’ll be honest, as I always am. Track and field events tend to bore me. But I’ll watch as many of them as the DVR records, because that’s how I roll with the Olympics. The men’s 1500M heat with Bernard Lagat — that was crazy. He kept getting boxed in, and I don’t know how you don’t just stop right in the middle and tell everyone to step off and let you breathe a little.

*Lopez Lomong, our opening ceremony flag-bearer, one of the Lost Boys from Sudan, is so proud to be running for his new country. I’m not sure what his event is, but I assume it’s also a 1500. Woo. Lomong gets fifth, and we have three Americans in the semi.
***

Days Later…
*I just today got to watch Michael Phelps win his 7th gold medal. I knew he had, but I hadn’t yet seen the race. That was insane. No matter how many times they show it in slo-mo, I can’t see how he pulled it out. He’s brilliant.

*The men’s 100M final last night?? Did y’all see that? Usain Bolt, the Jamaican runner, won that race so hard that he only ran about 85 meters of it before he started celebrating, slowed up a bit, and still beat his own world record. I wasn’t a big fan of the showboating during the race (same reason I hate slam dunks in basketball), but he was amazing.

More later, I’m sure.

So. Anyone else all freaked-out-happy about the swim meet tonight and/or happy about the laid-back amazingness of Michael Phelps?

Yeah. Me too.

CONGRATULATIONS! I’M SO PROUD!

Elle and I went shopping last night, because as I mentioned, we needed jeans. We bought some stuff at the mall (I actually found two pairs of jeans at the same store, the second store we visited!). We came in at Dillards, and on the way out, Elle needed to stop by the Jessica Simpson table of shoes. Biggest collection of stripper/streetwalker shoes I’ve ever seen. I actually think Jessica Simpson bought the Brightly Colored Patent Leather Factory by mistake and then said, “Hey, what can I make with all this shiny rainbow material?” Nah, who am I kidding? She bought the Brightly Colored Patent Leather Factory on purpose. There were some cute shoes on the Jessica Simpson table (there is something so wrong with that phrase, yes?), but Elle looked at a pair that would have projected the wrong… profession had she worn them. Being her friend, I was forced to step in.

ELLE: These are cute.
SARAHK: They’re stripper shoes.
ELLE: No they’re not, they’re cute! Now these [picking up a different pair] are stripper shoes.
SARAHK: You’re right. [Pointing at the first pair] Those are hooker, these are stripper.
SHOE SALES GIRL: Can I help you with anything?

I looked around, and Shoe Sales Girl was trying to keep her composure. She laughed, then stopped. Then she cracked up again. I laughed and said, “Um. Sorry.” She kept laughing and said, “I’m just going to pretend I can’t hear you.” That was fun.

Then went over to the outlets to find some tops; we were on a mission. They had just closed, so the mission FAILed. So we headed downtown to eat at P.F. Chang’s. That’s when the weirdness began.

We parked in the garage that’s in the same building as Chang’s, and when I rolled down my window to take the ticket, Elle said, “It smells like band-aids.” And it did. The whole garage smelled of band-aids. I can’t remember my reply, but it was something to the effect of, “Maybe someone has a giant boo-boo.”

We got into Chang’s, and as we sat there waiting for our table, there was a sudden parade of… we don’t know what. At least ten girls, all wearing black hoo-hah dresses and Jessica Simpson shoes (if you know what I’m saying, and you do), came parading out. I was confused, because the girls had apparently been dining at Chang’s, and they huddled up right in front of the hostess stand. They looked like they were waiting on the check or something, but doesn’t that come to your table? Yes, it does. Maybe they were out of toothpicks, and the girls really needed to take care of some stuck food. I don’t know. Anyway, they hung out in their little lady of the night huddle (the big gathering before they go out and look for customers?), so Elle and I got to really watch them. One of them had vines tattooed on the tops of her feet, and may I just say OW? We sat there debating why they were all dressed similarly (yet not identically); we went through the options of bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner (rehearsal for a striptease, maybe), they were on their way to a benefit… We came up empty. The bachelorette party thing was the likeliest, except that they had a couple of guys who seemed to be with them.

Shortly after the Hoo-Hah Parade finally got their toothpicks and left, another parade of overdressed girls came in. They weren’t all in matching black dresses, but they were dressed up, and — the weirdest part — one of the girls in that group also had vines tattooed on the tops of her feet. And this wasn’t the same girl, not the same group of girls either.

We sat on the patio for dinner. While we were eating our gluten-free lettuce wraps, a couple of cyclists rode by. They were wearing weirdness. Like the helmets from biohazard suits or something over their heads. Silver and shimmery with windows where the faces are.

Then we started seeing more people out in the square, and everyone was dressed up. Everyone except us. And this is Boise, very laid back, very casual, people don’t just dress up to go out to Elle said, “Apparently there was a memo.”

A few minutes later, I was telling Elle that I think Michael Phelps may have won his 7th gold, because his sister was going like this. I raised my arm in a giant fist pump. Right then, these three black dudes walked by (I’ve seen at least seven since we moved to Boise in December), which is great, because since the mall was so stinking hot, I was sporting huge pit stains, and they probably got a nice glimpse. Anyway, they said something to us, but neither of us could figure out what they said. One of them said something, and they just kept walking.

I won’t even tell y’all what we saw in the parking garage elevator on the way back to the car. Y’all don’t want to know.

It was the strangest evening.

She is THE NEWS here in Boise right now. Ever since the games began, the news has been all-Kristin-all-the-time. Yesterday when she arrived home, there was a huge crowd at the airport to welcome her home, and now they have hundreds of people at the downtown YMCA to have a big to-do in her honor. All the little kids are getting her autograph, and she’s talking to them, being their big hero. It’s pretty touching, and kinda the biggest thing to happen to Boise since the J’s moved here (that was big news, too).

UPDATE: They’re doing a big bike ride (possibly thousands of people), and she’s going to be leading it off with her time trial bike. I think they’re only going a half mile, from the Y to City Hall, but it’s pretty cool. And the history peeps in Idaho have already asked to have her bike on display in one of the museums (I didn’t catch who/which).

UPDATE 2: The Lieutenant Governor has just declared August 16th Kristin Armstrong Day in Idaho. They couldn’t send the Full Governor? Uncomfortable moment of awkward silence while there is an announcement that someone lost a three-year-old who was in the bike ride and hasn’t been seen since. He’s supposed to go to the blue tent, and they have found him. Whew! That would have put a damper on the whole day. The Mayor of Garden City, where Kristin lives, has given Kristin a key to the city. All they gave me was a nice shiny ticket a couple of weeks ago, because Chinden is a 35mph speed limit when it should be at least 45. Losers! And now the Mayor of Boise has given Kristin a key to the city. And now Kristin speaks. Have I mentioned I’ve been crying all morning, between this whole Kristin thing and some weird kind of allergy that is stinging my eyes? Also I finally watched the medal ceremony from the women’s gymnastics all-around.

I just saw the most bizarre commercial ever. A mom is changing her baby’s diaper on a table right next to a community or public swimming pool. Her child runs up and says, “Ew, Mom! Can’t you do that somewhere else?” They pan to a closeup of the baby’s face, and then a doctor (I know he’s a doctor because he wears a stuffy white lab coat) appears on the screen. “Yes, Mom, there *is* somewhere else! Don’t spread germs by the pool!” Cut to a scene where mom is now changing her baby on one of those germ-magnets, the pull-down baby table that they have in women’s restrooms. The doctor tells Mom to change the baby somewhere away from the pool (what inspired this commercial??) and also to remember to wash her hands after doing so. And they show a pair of hands washing themselves over a sterile-looking sink. And the doctor comes back on the screen and reminds everyone not to share germs at the pool.

I have no words.

What’s up with the neon yellow ball they’re using for Olympic softball? Do they always use the scary ball, or is that special for the Beijing Olympics so they can see through the smog?

BTW, have not watched the Michael Phelps race from last night, and I could barely see the TV screen from the patio at PF Chang’s, so I think he won, but I’m not entirely sure.

I was so conked last night that when I woke up this morning, I noticed a lump on my boob. It was my anticonvulsant. I had enough energy to get it out of the bottle but then I apparently just dropped it down my shirt and went to sleep.

*I like it better when the athletes sing along for the national anthem rather than giving the stoic reflective face. So far Natalie Coughlin is the only one I have seen actually singing along. Speaking of her, she’s swimming the 100 free; this is the race that Libby Trickett almost didn’t get to swim but for the Chinese swimmer false starting. Wow, .04 seconds decides the winner, and it’s Steffen, a German. Trickett silver, and Coughlin gets the bronze!

*WHOA! What a great vault from Nastia Liukin! I don’t understand how Yang Yilin had a better execution score than Nastia. Shawn Johnson’s vault is good, but she has that wonky landing again. After much deliberation, 15.875. Great for anyone else, but she’s not happy, and if I’m not mistaken her execution score was better than Liukin’s? Liukin really should have had a better score. The little 12-year-old Chinese gymnast did the same vault as Shawn Johnson but landed on her back. Don’t worry, little cheating panda, you’ll be able to do it very well in a few years when you’re old enough to compete.

*Back to swimming. Phelps in the 100M fly semi. He’s just amazing. He hits the wall in sixth place and before they’re halfway across the pool for the second half, he’s in first. Finishes first in his semi.

*The commentators are discussing Liukin’s vault score, and they have determined that she was totally robbed on her score. They don’t get how she could have gotten so many deductions. Me either. Shawn is in 2nd after one rotation, and Nastia is 10th. I hope this doesn’t rattle her nerves. Bela agrees that Liukin was scored low and also thinks Shawn was. You know, the other night when she had the big step on the landing, Shawn had over a 16. Liukin’s high bar routine is perfect, other than the big step on the landing. The commentators say, “That will be a three-tenths deduction,” and I said, “And another seven-tenths for being an American.” Sure enough, her execution score is 8.95 out of 10. Shenanigans. Well over 16, but it should have been higher. Whatevs. Shawn Johnson really good on her routine as well, and her score is 15.275. Execution 8.975. The little Chinese toddler did a great routine. I’m sure her score will be well over Liukin’s, even though Liukin’s is a higher difficulty and they both only had the step on the landing. And Yang Yilin’s execution score (same step on landing, plus a handstand that wasn’t executed) is 9.025. She leads after rotation #2.

*After two rotations, Nastia is in 2nd place, and Shawn is in 5th. Shawn’s up on beam. She makes a small balance check during and a step on her landing (not a big one). She should still be well above nine on execution, but she’s American. 9.05 on execution, total malarkey. And now one of the little toddling Chinese girls makes a bobble right when she mounts the beam. Two more balance checks pretty quickly. I predict she’ll get a higher execution score than Shawn, and there’s another balance check. Step on the landing. Romania needs new leotards, they’ve been wearing the same one forever. Or maybe it’s just me. WHAT? The Chinese toddler gets a 9.025 on execution. Do I need special Judges’ Goggles to watch these Olympics? I should order a pair in the next four years so I’ll understand what’s going on. Wow, that little Semenova girl from Russia looks really familiar. Has she been around forever? I’m thinking yes.

*Yang Yilin has a major bobble on her full turn and then has another big balance check right after. Biggish step on her landing. I expect a 9.75 on execution. 9.05, same execution score as Shawn Johnson. Nastia on beam now. Small bobble on her full turn. Balance check there. Totally stuck landing on her dismount. 9.425 on the execution, I’m shocked. After three rotations, Nastia in 1st! Shawn in 3rd! Yang Lilin in the judges’ T-Mobile fave five! She’s inexplicably in 2nd.

*Dang. Anna Pavlova’s floor exercise was near perfect. She rocked it hard. Semenova’s floor is fantastic, too. Three more to go. Yang Yilin, Nastia, and Shawn. Yang makes a decent-sized error on one dancing move. Other than that, her floor exercise is well done. Unwatchable because of her crazy anorexic form, but sharp. 15.0 is her score. Nastia needs 14.85 to take the lead. And wow. She’s amazing, I’m in complete awe of her. She doesn’t even look awkward and creepy during the dancing parts like most gynasts do; looks like she’s just doing ballet out there, right in the middle of the tumbling floor. 15.525! Shawn would need over 16 to beat that (not happening on floor), but she will definitely get the silver, because her routine is pretty flawless. And we take 1-2 in the women’s all-around. 15.525! GO AMERICA! Liukin trains in Plano, Texas. Yay Texas!

*See Tracey’s rant about Nastia’s mom over here; I pretty much agree with that.

Well done, USA! Also well done, whoever is in 4th place and probably should have the bronze medal.

Yes, so the last time I posted an update here was before Independence Day. I was white water rafting that day, and the next week, I forgot to post about it. The following week, Wii Fit and I had a bit of a falling out. See, when we first set it up, our weight would fluctuate several pounds every day. Up then down, then up, then down. I was happy just watching the progression show my weight slightly lower on my down days than the previous down days, slightly lower on my up days from my previous up days. I had lost 6.8 pounds.

Frank hated the weight fluctuations, saw them as a big, nasty flaw in the Wii Fit. I was like, whatevs, I’m losing weight, and I can look at the graph and see how it’s going. But no, Frank researched it. He learned that if your Wii Fit is on carpet, you need to have the extenders on the feet, and we weren’t using the extenders. So he put the extenders on, and my weight jumped by ten pounds. I’ve gotta tell you, that was crushing. I did the calculations and realized I had started my Wii Fit workouts in the 160s, which is enough to put me in a deep depression in which I would only eat Fiery Habaneros and Jennie’s macaroons for weeks on end, and I was no longer working my way through the 140s, but I was back in the 150s. That was too much for me to take. So I stopped working out. If we’d had the extenders on the balance board in the first place, I think I could have just handled it and started working hard to get back down to non-cow weight. But having the feeling of being only 20-something pounds away from my goal, and then having that feeling taken away — too much. That day when the balance board said, “You’ve gained weight. Try to think about the reasons for that,” I said, “Because you’re stupid!” I cried and couldn’t even look at the Wii Fit for a couple of weeks. Yep, a stupid piece of plastic and an animated balance board broke my spirit for a while.

I started back up a couple of weeks ago, but I didn’t really get into it. I would work out Mondays and Tuesdays, then get all sad and not work out the rest of the week. Last week I worked late several days, and when I work late, there’s very little chance I’ll exercise. This week has been much better. So far I’ve worked out every day since Monday. And yesterday was great, because I have unlocked the Free Step extended edition, which means I can do free step aerobics for twenty minutes, change the channel, and watch the Olympics while I’m working out. And once I’ve done twenty minutes of aerobics, I’m free to do balance games and yoga. I’m staying away from the strength exercises and about half of the yoga poses right now, because my pinched nerve in my low back is seriously aggravated at the moment.

No weight update, though I will tell you my Wii Fit age is 23 right now. Yeah, the little balance board shouts at me, “That’s obese!” and then tells me my fit age is 23. Whatevs. Every time it says, “That’s obese!” you can guess what I shout. “YOU’RE OBESE! SHUT UP!”

Anyway, I’m not even weighing right now. I’m almost back to “That’s overweight,” and when I get there, I’ll start looking at my weight again. I can’t do it right now though.

p.s. If you’re posting about exercise and/or weight loss, post a link in the comments or email me, and I’ll include it in the main post.

Elle and I have been on fire this week with the snarky comebacks and snappy remarks. I’ve forgotten most of it, but I do recall the ones I wrote down.
***

I was working in our accounting system yesterday, which is IE-based (now, there’s your problem). It gave me an expired page error message, and I shouted, “WHATEVS!” at it. I think it learned its lesson.
***

ELLE [regarding a transaction she was investigating]: This doesn’t make sense.
SARAHK: You don’t make sense.
ELLE: I do too make sense. I’m full of sense.
SARAHK: Yeah, well, I’m full of dollars.

PUN BURN OF THE YEAR!
***

Elle was working on something I gave her last Monday.

SARAHK: I gave you that like nine days ago!
ELLE: Well, not nine business days.
***

We found out today that effective immediately, we can wear jeans every day of the week. They sent out a mass email to the entire company, and Elle read hers first. “We can wear jeans every day now!” And then we heard loud cheers erupt from the finance department. Seriously, those people are crazy. They have wild lunchtime parties every now and then, music and everything. We are, of course, going shopping this weekend. Not the finance department and me. Elle and me. Elle and I, actually. So during her lunch, Elle was looking at the store websites to see what they all have this weekend (I’m not lying, she loves shopping).

ELLE: Wow, these jeans are $80, on sale for $39.50!
SARAHK: Holy cow.
ELLE: What, that they’re $39.50?
SARAHK: Yeah. That’s crazy.
ELLE: How much do you spend on jeans? $10?
SARAHK: *gasp* THANKS!
ELLE: Well, you said $39.50 was crazy!
SARAHK: Twenty, thirty if they’re really good…
ELLE: $39.50 is not bad.
SARAHK: Are you planning to wear them to the Oscars? [I don’t know where the Oscars came from in my wee brain, but there they were.]
ELLE: No, if I was planning to wear them to the Oscars, they’d be like $130.

Our staff accountant, whom I’ll call Emme, came by later and actually asked me if I’ll be switching to jeans. Well, sure, but not $39.50 jeans. It’s too bad for Frank, actually, because I haven’t spent our clothing budget for three months, and I was going to use some of it to buy new trashy lingerie. But now I need jeans.

Amanda, who should know better, has tagged me with a meme. Bad Amanda! You get a time out, and no biscuits! I apologize in advance, peeps. P.S. I didn’t fix the meme’s grammar.

Choose a favorite book or movie or television program and name the characters you would:

- Bake cupcakes for:
- Trust with the keys to my car:
- Put thumbtacks on the chair thereof:
- Have a crush on:
- Pack up and leave if they moved next door:
- Vote for President:
- Pick as my partner in a buddy movie:
- Pair up:
- Vote off the island and into the volcano:

Y’all know I’m doing Buffy, right? But I’m doing the whole Buffyverse, including Angel.

- Bake cupcakes for: Spike. He had to endure so much angst and disregard from Buffy. Plus, he really likes to eat and drink, unlike that other vampire-with-a-soul.
- Put thumbtacks on the chair thereof: Charles Gunn. What a whiny baby, especially when he was with Fred, because my goodness, what a jealous tool he was.
- Have a crush on: Rupert Giles, William the Bloody, Wesley Wyndham-Pryce
- Pack up and leave if they moved next door: Willow, because she kinda destroys the world when she’s upset. What if I forgot to return her garden rake?
- Vote for President: Anya, for sure. She’s a capitalist.
- Pick as my partner in a buddy movie: I do not understand the question. Does this mean who would I be in a buddy movie with? Or who would I go see a buddy movie with? Either way, Anya. We’d totally be BFFs.
- Pair up: Buffy and Spike, Angel and Cordelia, Anya and Giles. Harmony and Xander, Willow and Wesley. Connor and Dawn, the Wonder Twins of Annoyance.
- Vote off the island and into the volcano: Wow, tossup between Gunn and Dawn during seasons four, five, and six. Annoying little twerp. Also Fred when she first arrived. I was like, “Um, we don’t talk like that in most parts of Texas.” Then I learned Amy Acker is from Dallas, and what the heck? She should know we don’t talk like that. Maybe her character was supposed to be from Coahoma or Fritch, but otherwise, we don’t talk like that. F’reals.

I tag: Tracey, Elle, Nightfly.

*May/Walsh. That got dodgy in the first set of their round of 16 match, but then they went on a tear and remembered that they haven’t been beaten in almost a year.

*Rebecca Soni! Her win made me cry and blubber all over myself. So unexpected for her to beat Liesel Jones and bust the world record.

*Ryan Lochte and Aaron Piersol going 1-2 in the 200 backstroke, with Lochte breaking the world record. I’m so happy he got an individual gold. He’s the second best swimmer in the world and is overshadowed by Michael Phelps all the time. Doesn’t get the attention he deserves, yo.

*The bit about Kirsty Coventry and the way Zimbabwe reacted when she won in Athens? Yeah, I turned into a big puddle of goo. So horrible what’s going on in Zimbabwe. Glad she can bring joy to her peeps.

*Bela Karolyi is teh crazy. “I’m already having the bumpy.”

*Dude. Michael Phelps has size 14 feet?

*Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte will race now in the 200 IM, right next to each other. And Lochte’s gold medal was 26 minutes ago. He’s gotta be tired. Great swim. Phelps wins his sixth gold and a new world record! Has there been any event in which he hasn’t broken the world record in Beijing? Lochte was sooo close to the silver but has to settle for the bronze. Well done.

*I don’t even know if I can stay up for the women’s gymnastics all-around. I’m so sleepy from yesterday.

I’ll have to finsi this tomorow. Told y’all I was sleepy.

Someone from Moscow (the Russian one) found my site by searching for “needle torture.” Creepy.

UPDATE: Also, someone in Warsaw got here the same way.

I’ll reward you with a meme later. You can’t wait.

Ok, so notes on the Olympics. Expect it to be this way until the games end. If this doesn’t make you writhe with glee, you’re unpatriotic and most especially unAmerican.

*Yay to Kristin Armstrong, who won the women’s time trial today! I’m so glad I didn’t fast forward through the cycling! (Not that I have been… ok, just through the long stretches when nothing’s really going on.) Armstrong lives in Boise, btw. We’re like BFFs.

*I get women’s synchronized diving. It’s a beautiful ballet all the way to the water. Maybe Cirque du Soleil. Whatevs. And then there’s men’s synchro. Perhaps the gayest event in the Olympics. I expressed this opinion to Frank, and he kind of shrugged me off. Until he saw two men jumping up and down and doing somersaults together. “Yep. This is definitely the gayest sport at the Olympics.” As Frank says, “It’s pairs of men wearing almost nothing, trying to move together in beautiful precision.” When the Chinese did their first optional dive, I said, “Wow. They’re so good.” Frank: “I credit their lack of individuality.” I made a poster.

Yeah, I can’t stop. I now understand why Rachl Lukis is addicted (profanity warning).

I’ll post now but continue my DVR-delayed liveblog. I heart the Olympics.

*I’ve been rolling my eyes at the fact that the women’s beach volleyball teams wear attire barely suitable for a strip club while they’re playing, and finally there was a big hubbub about how the men are required to wear actual clothes and the chicks wear less fabric than it takes to make a cloth diaper. Think of our textile industry! And if you’re wondering, the black oil spider thingy living on Kerry Walsh’s shoulder is kinesio tape. She had shoulder surgery. Of course, when I see it, I always just wonder if she has a tan line in the shape of an ink blob. I’m sure she does. Poor blobby Walsh.

*Yay, May-Treanor/Walsh win! Congratulations, blobby tan line! Now give me swimming and gymnastics.

*Phelpsie is up next in the 200 IM heats (from earlier). I love his superstitious arm slappiness. What’s insane to me is that the freestyle isn’t even his best stroke, and he keeps killing everyone there. He wins his heat easily. Ooh, squee! NBC is showing all eleven of his gold medal finishes. And now it’s on to live swimming.

*First-time Olympian Scott Spann swimming against that dangerous Kitajima in the 200M breaststroke. Spann is pretty far behind, not looking like he’ll medal. Kitajima does win, Spann in sixth.

*I totally just confused myself with the DVR. I don’t even know what’s being recorded anymore, but I’m pretty sure we’ll have to catch Mythbusters on the repeat due to my DVR FAIL.

*Natalie Coughlin, thrice medaled in Beijing is up in the 100M freestyle semis. Coughlin wins the semi, and Libby Trickett, the Aussie, is fourth! No Americans in the second semis, so I don’t care. Wow, Trickett didn’t even make the final. Rowdy Gaines says that has to be the biggest shock of these Olympics, but I have to give that one to the big old comeback victory by our men’s relay the other night. Duh. Ouch, China’s Pang is out. She took first in the semi and has been disqualified for a false start. That’s gotta hurt. Libby Trickett gets a break and a trip to the finals.

*Aaron Piersol & Ryan Lochte in the 200M backstroke semis. I’ll have you know, we’re hours into prime time, and no sign of men’s gymnastics. Maybe NBC is waiting for the Chinese gymnasts to perform or something. Gotta say I’m really happy to not be on the east coast with these late shows. Ok, I’m always happy to not be on the east coast. Meanwhile, we’re watching heats and semis. All-around finals notwithstanding. Piersol’s in, Lochte’s in, they’ll be in the middle lanes. Oh. The men’s all-around hasn’t started yet. My bad, NBC.

*Jason Lezak, my big Olympic hero, swims soon in the 100 freestyle. Meanwhile, two American girls, Breeden and Hersey, are in the 200M freestyle. Wow. That was unfortunate. China 1-2. At least they’re of competing age, so congratulations, China girl swimmers. Americans 7th and 8th. A fan threw a drum into the water during the race. Stay classy, Olympics fans.

*Here’s hero boy, Jason Lezak, in the 100. Go, you veteran stud. He ties for the bronze, his first individual medal ever! That mouthy humiliated frog, Alain Bernard, is so happy to have won. Yes, Bernard, but in four years, no one will remember this race. They’ll remember that Jason Lezak pwn3d you in the 400 relay. But congratulations anyway.

*Getting ready for my Olympic boyfriend, Sasha Artemev, and another Olympic crush, Jonathan Horton, to go in the men’s all-around. Fast forward through the spotlight segment on the Chinese athlete — must be my patriotism kicking in. My Sasha is up first on the rings, and it’s not his best event, but he’s done pretty well. Good going. Whew, that Japanese dude on the tumbling was awesome. Oh, of course. Sasha under 15 on the rings, because the gymnastics judges are all full of shenanigans this week.

*We leave the men’s all-around to watch Michael Phelps in a semi. ? I adore him, too, but it’s like NBC is just hoping that there’ll be a big shocka! And the only shocka! would be that Phelps wouldn’t make the final in a race. Which basically means that NBC is rooting against Phelps; it’s the only explanation. Phelps wins the semi (200 IM) with water in his goggles again. Lochte, easily the cutest of our swimmers, swims in the next semi, and he wins.

*After one rotation, Sasha is in 20th, and Jonathan is in 21st. They both did their weakest events first.

*More swimming. Normally I welcome it, but I’m too excited and hopeful about the gymnastics. US women swimming the 800 medley relay. So while this is going on, I have plenty of time to tell y’all: David Cook has not yet confirmed me as a friend on Facebook. I am crushed. We get the bronze. Does Katie Hoff ever smile? Just wondering.

*The coverage of the men’s all-around is abysmal. Even when they show us the events, they go ahead and spoil them for us and tell us whether the athlete in question fell off or not, while we’re watching the routine. It’s taking away from the whole thing, so I’m ready for the commentary gang to just shut their pie holes and let us watch some gymnastics. Ok, tell me why I want to watch two Chinese swimmers have their gold medal ceremony. Why?

*After two rotations, Sasha is 12th, Jonathan 20th. But they didn’t bother to show us Sasha’s second rotation. Too busy showing the Chinese swimmers in their medal ceremony and showing a Korean gymnast warm up on the rings — not even participate on the rings. I don’t know why I’m so annoyed tonight, but I am. Boo, hiss, putrescence, all that. Finally. Jonathan Horton to vault. He prays at the chalk bin before starting (though NBC analysts call that a “moment of reflection”). Big hop on the landing, but a sweet vault. Yowza, 16.1. Big score for the big Olympic stud, who looks a lot like Mark Blucas, yes?

*Our precious little Sasha has been scarcely mentioned, and we’ve only seen him once. They’re showing the Russians, Chinese, and Koreans quite enough, but only one American warrants a mention. Whatevs, when does Fox News get the rights to the Olympics? They’re patriotic most of the time. OOCH. What a horrible fall the Japanese guy just took from the rings. Is anyone surprised the Chinese make shoddy rings? Oh, there’s Sasha! So he got almost a 16 on the vault, and they didn’t bother to show it. I guess he’s not Chinese enough. We do get to see him on the parallel bars. Lovely until the dismount, which was hoppy. 15.2.

*Three down, and Sasha is in 12th, Jonathan in 14th. It’s midnight. I’m staying up, because I’m stupid. 15.275 on Jonathan’s parallel bars. Sasha coming up on the high bar. He’s doing and redoing and redoing his grips. It’s almost a nervous tic. Beautiful stuck landing! What the heck? 15.075??? 9.075 on execution, and I don’t get it. After four rotations, Jonathan is 12th, and Sasha is 14th. They switched places.

*Jonathan on the high bar now. Small step on the landing, but the routine was excellent. 15.35 (8.95 execution, which is bullcrap). The gymnastics judging and age cheating is making me bitter. I realize this, but I don’t care; call me crazy, but I don’t think you should get extra deductions for being an American. Maybe for being a communist, but not for being an American. Sasha is on the floor routine, and I’m just amazed at his ability. Those helicopter thingies he does make me all fluttery. That was solid. He’s so cute. He looks so Russian and then he starts talking to me through the TV (hi, SarahK, thanks for all your support), and he sounds so… American. You’re just never expecting anything but broken English to fly out of his mouth. 14.625.

*Sasha goes to his final event, the pommel horse, on which he is so amazing and, I hear, spotty. Whatevs, he’s totally going to pwn this thing. NAILS IT! The best he’s been the whole Olympics. I can’t wait to see him in the individual event finals. I’m so proud of him. 15.525. Mwah mwah mwah.

*Jonathan is on the floor routine. Does a good job. Who knows what the score was, thanks, NBC. So China, then Japan, then surprised France. Jonathan finishes 9th and Sasha 12th. And SarahK gets to go to bed!