“Yeah, you’re right. He does steal every scene.” — re: Charlie, in a nondescript early scene.
“Is there any man other than Cop Mustache in this movie who isn’t effeminate?”
“I repeat, is there anyone other than Cop Mustache who isn’t effeminate?”
“We call him ‘Eyebrows.’”
“I hate teenagers. Especially twenty-somethings playing teenagers.”
“Actually, she was a minor when they started filming.”
“I like standing in cars.”
“Wow, he really steals every scene.”
“Shut UP! He reminds me of my dad.”
“Why?”
“Because he doesn’t really like to express his feelings, but I know he loves me.”
“You mean, because he doesn’t emote like my dad?”
“He’s creepy.”
“Doesn’t it look like she just burped?”
“That’s called acting, sweetie.”
“They won the golden onion, see?”
“And see, now, he’s just trying not to kill her.”
“Why?”
“Because her scent… he’s never smelled anyone that makes him want human blood so bad.”
“Why doesn’t he just kill her? End the movie.”
“She’s like his own personal brand of heroin.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard that many times.”
“Yeah, let’s stand in the hallway, discuss being vampires. Because we only started doing this yesterday.”
“That was a trick of your eye. That was the moonlight reflecting off swamp gas.”
“Look at me, I’m a sissy. Could I do something like that? It might mess up my hair.”
“You don’t have any evidence!” This is what they always say in CSI when they’re guilty.
“Ok, I admit it. I’m really a hero. I prance around saving people.”
(Upon Mike asking Bella to prom) “No, your skin has too much color.”
(”Can you at least watch where you walk?”) “Stupid! Ugh!”
“Wow, they’d make some awesome white supremacists.”
“Something better happen soon.”
“I’m thinking about growing some mutton chops to go with my mustache.”
(”Let’s say for argument’s sake that I’m not smart.”) “I’ll argue that.”
“She’s really not smart. Bella’s an idiot.”
“Kryptonite takes away power, stupid.”
“I don’t wanna bring this relationship any further than me just staring at you.”
“Wow, if she wants Eric, she’s really scraping the bottom there.”
(”The Cullens don’t come here.”) “Neither do barbers.”
(”You caught that, huh?”) “I tend to pick up things that are said right in front of my face.”
“By the way, call me Pale Face again, and I’m scalping me an Injun.”
“You mean the other Pale Faces besides the Cullens? There are paler faces?”
“Now, that’s racist right there. He’s drunk, and he’s wearing an Irish t-shirt.”
“So can vampires not just shop at Sears and wear normal clothes? Do they have, like, an agreement?”
“The filming in this is like the first season of CSI: New York.”
“Right? With the blue?”
(”That’s disgusting.”) “Yeah, guys knocking on windows is disgusting.”
“It’d be cool if she found that Buffy book. Vampyre spelled with a Y.”
“This is where that upside-down kiss is.”
“Is that a hybrid?”
“Probably.”
“She should flash him.” (when he needs her to distract him)
“She has weird hair.”
“It’s like ’50s hair.”
“‘I’m allergic to wheat.’ ‘That’s creepy!’”
(”I don’t want to know what the square root of Pi is.” “You knew that?”) “There’s no way she knew that.”
“He’s really dumb at this whole concealing that he has magical powers thing.”
(”I can read every mind in this room, apart from yours.”) “Maybe she’s just not thinking.”
(”It’s very frustrating.”) “Yeah, you’re missing a lot there. Some complex thinking.”
“What are you doing hanging out with that mortal?”
“I don’t know where I’m gonna fit that in my purse with my gun!”
“Bella with a gun? She’s such a klutz. That would be unfortunate.”
“This is done so much better in the book. I mean, it’s almost like the screenwriter wanted to piss off every Twilight reader.”
“Wow, he looks even gayer.” (when Edward is in makeup, sucking Bella’s blood)
(”And sometimes you speak like you’re from a different time.”) “Like when you said ‘groovy’ the other day.”
“Now she’s creeping me out. Like she’s about to transform into a monster.”
“SAY IT! SAY IT!”
(”Are you afraid?” “No.”) “You’re just so effeminate.”
(”This is the skin of a killer, Bella.”) “I’m sparkly! I’m a killa! I kill things!”
(”I trust you.”) [laughing] “Her parents did not put sense into her.”
“I wonder if drug dealers use that now. ‘Get your own personal brand of heroin! See what Edward’s talking about!’”
(”You have to tell me what you’re thinking.”) “Personal space?”
“What exactly is his attraction with her?”
“First it’s because he’s meant to kill her because he wants her blood so bad. Then he becomes obsessed with the fact that he can’t read her mind. Then he just becomes stalkery. It’s very sexy.”
“Oh, that’s a great basis for a relationship. He wants her blood and can’t read her mind.”
“Any larger sunglasses would be novelty ones.”
“By the way, if you’ve got any spare blood that you’re not using…”
“She’s like a weatherman. So-so accuracy.”
“No, she’s way more accurate.”
“Ooh! He hates Injuns!”
“So how’d he end up in a wheelchair? Did the vampires cripple him because they thought it’d be funny? Because it would be kinda funny.”
(”I would never tell anybody anything.”) “Except my friends.”
“I’ve got one rule. Don’t touch my stuff.”
“Stop watching the puppy. Watch the movie.”
“Wow, I can stare creepily at you all day.”
(”I can’t dance.”) “Well then, you’re no friend of mine.”
“You moved! Bad girlfriend!”
“At least they spare us from the conversation. ‘Because I like shoes that are pink!’”
“No, that’s something Alice would say.”
“Rip her head off! It’ll be funny!”
“If you make it all the way through the movie, you’re totally getting lucky.”
“I better be getting lucky.”
“Alice had to actually learn to pitch, and all the vampires had to learn to hit.”
“Yeah, because none of them would have known how to play sports before.”
“Actually, Jackson Rathbone who plays Jasper already knew how to play baseball. You can tell by the way he handles his bat. Plus, the way the director said so on the commentary.”
“We’re about to shoot a Calvin Klein ad here!”
“Everything James does is so sexual. Every face he makes.”
“Which one’s James?”
“The blond one.”
“Which blond one?”
“The nomad. The evil one.”
“Everything James does is sexual? He looks more like a confused dog to me.”
(”What am I gonna say to him? I can’t hurt him.”) “I can. We’ll break his arms and legs and throw him in a ditch. He’ll be safe there.”
“My cop mustache is tingling. I can tell something’s up.”
“You’re stupid, and you smell, and no one likes you.”
“Aww, that’s like the scene from Harry and the Hendersons. ‘Go away, you big ape.’”
(”Why don’t you let me drive?”) “You’re a woman. And you know a woman, if you’re driving away from an evil vampire, she’ll be trying to do her makeup.”
“Wow, everyone here’s so creepy. It’ll be nice to get away.”
(”Tell him how much it hurts!”) “Well, on the hospital pain charts, it’s about a 7!”
“Your girlfriend’s annoying. Shut her up.”
“That’s him singing here. I love him.”
“He sounds like a goat.”
“No he doesn’t! Shut UP! I LOVE him!”
(”The worst part was I didn’t think I was gonna be able to stop.” “Well, you did stop.”) “Yeah, well, you didn’t taste as good as I thought you would.”
“No! No! Bad vampire!”
“I really like the taste of your blood. I can’t stand to hear you talk. It’s a bad combination.”
“And in your dreams, you can still feel me, staring at you creepily.”
“Run, Forrest, run!”
“Ugh, I hate Jacob. He can go die. Actually, I like him in the fourth book, but I hate him in the second one.”
“I can’t even consider liking him until he gets a freakin’ haircut.”
(”Guess I’ll see you around, Bella.”) “Paleface!”
“If I had to spend a hundred years hanging out with teenagers, that’d be my hell.”
“I know, right?”
“Ow, my freakin’ foot! You’re such a clumsy oaf!”
“Hey, you made it all the way through! You’re gonna get lucky.”
is really tempting me today.