I should be receiving my Snuggie for Christmas, if Frank has listened to a word I’ve said to him over the last four months. Seriously, I have formed no sentence in conversation with him that doesn’t include the words “Boise State Snuggie.” He keeps smacking me upside the head in hopes that he’ll get the broken record out of its little rut, but it hasn’t worked so far. This is why he tweets at me and Google chats me when we’re sitting right next to each other.

Anyway, when I get my Snuggie, I’ll finally have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. As much as I love reading my Kindle in bed, I’m more excited about the prospect of reading horny vampire novels or shopping online for affordable auto insurance or tweeting (come on—we all know I’ll be doing nothing but hanging out on Twitter and eating bon bons) with warm arms. I’ll miss being under my electric fleece blanket (I should patent the Electric Snuggie), but sleeves! Warm arms and wrists while I read and/or tweet! Can’t wait.

From Christmas morning on, I’ll roll right out of bed and head straight to the couch, then head back to bed in sixteen hours or so (with possible bathroom and food breaks).

UPDATE: The Snuggie is MINE!

A kid was sent home from school when his pansy teacher freaked out because he drew a stick-figure Jesus on the cross. The school sent the kid home and is requiring him to undergo a psychological evalutation for the crime of drawing a “violent image.”

Take a moment, have a scowl and an eye roll, call the school board if you feel the need.

All done? Good, because I think everyone’s missing the real story here. The class was asked to draw something that reminded them of Christmas, and this kid drew… Jesus’s death.

I’m no religious scholar, and I celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday rather than a religious one, but my understanding of Christmas is that it’s the celebration of Jesus’s birth. And instead of the sweet little baby Jesus in the manger with the frankincense and myrrh or Christmas trees or candy canes… the kid picked the crucifixion as the image that reminds him of Christmas. What will he draw at Easter? A stick-figure baby in a boxy manger?

The kid’s teacher and the school administration should be fired for failing to teach the kid about imagery and associations.

Just sayin’.

Ok, so I have to give you my notes on this extravaganza as I watch it off the DVR, because from song #1, I can tell you it’s going to tip the crazy scales hard.

Alright. Opening number is “Cowboy Cassanova.” The dancers with her–are they supposed to be vampires or Adam Lamberts? Also, the leather getup she’s wearing? I want to make some kind of crack about it, but I can’t come up with one, and I also recognize that I only want to bag on the outfit because I could never pull it off, and she pulls it off so well. I’d hate her if she wasn’t so awesomely awesome.

I LOVE all the Idol guest stars in the bit at the beginning.

Wouldn’t it be cool if Carrie & David Cook got married and had lovely little talented children?

I’m once again obligated to mention David’s hair. No need to say anything specific about it–it just always merits a mention.

You know I have to comment on the bit w/ Carson Kressley and Carrie’s sister, right? Because Carson says, “Do you know if these [muffins] are gluten-free? I haven’t had a carb since ‘78, and I’m a little scared.” Ahem. Gluten-free grains still have carbs. Duh. #glutenfreenerd

I love that Carrie named her dog Ace. “Before He Tweets”! Ha! (Note to self: Write and record this song.) I also like that he seems to be a trained yapper dog. Usually when they’re that small, they’re vicious and loud.

I’m totally in love with Carrie’s mom.

I have a very low tolerance for songs about mama or daddy, songs about death, and songs about people’s kids. But since “Mama’s Song” is more about the guy than about the mom, and since the verse about death in “Temporary Home” is more about looking forward to heaven than the dying part, I give Carrie a pass. That said, “Temporary Home” and “Change” are my least favorite songs on the new album. Which is her best yet, btw.

I love the skit and song medley w/ Kristin Chenoweth and Christina Applegate. They’re all precious. Except that it went on way too long. I had to pause twice to go pee.

I liked this from the Jack Nicholson impersonator sketch: “If I wasn’t famous, I would totally date you.”

“Louisiana Woman, Mississippi Man” w/ Brad Paisley: Love.

“Songs Like This.” Ok, uhmmmmm. What’s with the dancing boys?

I like “What Can I Say” but if she doesn’t do my favorite off the new album tonight, I’m gonna cry. (That would be “Undo It.”)

Look at Dolly, she’s so cute. I like how she wore bicycle pants.

Oh, I think it’s worth noting that I’m an hour and a half in, and I have yet to see any “holiday” in this special.

I love how Carrie’s Holiday Special is all about gays and prostitution. Nothing says “baby Jesus” like gay stereotypes and whores!

For the record, I would LOOOOOVE to have Kristin Chenoweth singing with Dolly & Carrie. I’m hoping she busts in during the Carrie/Dolly duet to “help out.” And how much did Carrie pee in her pants when Dolly said, “You’re one of my favorites”? Also, I hope Dolly was serious about Kristin Chenoweth playing her in the movie. That would rock.

I’m now 1:45 into the show. Still no Christmas music! Oh wait. Carrie says there are a few holiday songs coming up for us. And the first one is… “Jesus Take the Wheel”? Ok, true story. I was driving home from taking Cadet Happy to the airport when we still lived in Florida. I was on I-95 in heavy traffic, about half a mile from my exit for Palm Bay. I was going to call CH to make sure he and his daughter got to their gate on time and all that, and I looked down at my phone to scroll for his number (bad!). When I looked back up, I was about two feet from slamming into the back of a dump truck. So I hit the brakes, swerved, etc. Pinky went into a spin. Girl just started doing 360s right there on I-95. And I let go of the wheel and had one of my cheesiest moments to date: “Jesus Take the Wheel” started playing in my head right when I let go of the wheel and took my foot off gas & brakes. I couldn’t stop it, or I would have because of said cheese factor. I’d have chosen something more like “The Final Countdown.” Anyway, when the car stopped, I was facing two lanes of traffic. A huge black semi was in one lane, and a big Suburban was in the other, and I was splitting the D. And they were still coming and not far off from me. I yanked the wheel and hit the gas to drive off to the side of the road. Shook, cried, hugged the driver of the Suburban, said hi to a cop, all that. My point is that “Jesus Take the Wheel” is an emergency freak-out song, not a dashing-through-the-snow song.

My favorite Christmas song, “O Holy Night,” sung by Carrie Underwood. This is at least as awesome as knowing that we’re getting a Hobby Lobby in Boise soon. And *that* knowledge had me gasping and cooing for a good five minutes.

She didn’t do “Undo It.” As promised, I’m crying. Console me. Preferably with Coke and chili chocolate.