I’m so proud.

Pre-PG weight: 153.1
Current weight: 152.8

I’m not trying to lose weight, but I haven’t been as hungry as before… I’m sure that will change in the next trimester, so for now, I’m thankful that I didn’t put on the typical 2-3 in the first trimester. Especially since I’ve gained quite a bit in my boobs. Seriously, those girls have gone crazy.

I already had a belly. I mean, it looked like I had a baby pouch and has looked that way for 3-4 years, when the big gluten stuff hit. Belly got all distended and then settled into a plump baby-pouch-looking tummy. Combine this with the bloat of pregnancy (one of my most pronounced prego symptoms), and I have a way early bump. Actually, I now look about 4-5 months pregnant. Which would be great if I were, but I’m only 11.5 weeks.

I’m gonna make the most of it, though. I’m going to go ahead and get a bunch of maternity clothes (when do people start having garage sales?) and just own it. I’m happy to be pregnant, happy to be showing, even if it’s kind of a fake show. Then when people ask when I’m due, I’ll just tell them, “Oh, June. Ish.” October is still June-ish, right?

I guess I should start taking all those baby-bump-progress pictures. “Here’s what I looked like at 5 months… no, wait… that’s 6 weeks.”

I’ve blogged every day since Tuesday. Go me.

Frank told me last year that he kind of wanted to see New Moon, so I got all excited. He said he wouldn’t go at midnight with me, but maybe a week later when the crowds weren’t so bad. And then he saw the bad reviews and started hemming and hawing around, and eventually the movie was out of the theaters, and he was a bad sweetie. But he really wants to watch the New Moon RiffTrax, and since the DVD is mine, purchased with my allowance, I made him watch it with me regular once before we watch with RiffTrax. Here are his and my comments from our screening.

“Is that a Snuggie festival?”

“That’s a gay jacket he’s wearing. Velvet collars? Really, Edward?”

“Line…”

“When I asked for a gram and a mirror, this is not what I had in mind.”

“In a city of like 3000, how many can they afford to have die?”

“What, she didn’t trade up for better friends for this movie?”

“He always has such a gay little car.”

“If the secret to getting women really is being silent while staring awkwardly, I thought I had that down in high school.” “Well, it was your awkward internet staring that attracted me to you.”

“Hahahaha! ‘I’m slow-motion walking toward you.’ Hey, when our kid walks for the first time, we’ll put it in slow motion.”

“Why would anyone not want presents?”

“What is Alice wearing? She looks like a pregnant Raggedy Ann.”

“It’d be neat if they had a sign up here. ‘FORESHADOWING.’”

“All the girls, including Eric, are crying.”

“What kind of crappy teacher pauses the movie right before Romeo’s last line?”

(re: Caius) “I like the blond one. He’s got the fruitiest awkward stare.”

(Frank laughs when Bella says she could protect Edward if he makes her a vampire.)

(”It’s a necklace. Alice picked it out.”) “I don’t like you.”

“Alice apparently can’t predict papercuts.”

“Do it, Jasper, kill her!”

“He sure likes shoving people.”

“Jasper, you’re a failure.”

(”You’ve always been very gracious about us.”) “And stupid.”

(”If you believed as Edward does, could you take away his soul?”) “Yeah, I totally could.”

(”You’re not gonna want me when I look like a grandmother.”) “I don’t want you now.”

(”I don’t believe that.”) “‘I unt meree dat.’ If someone’s paying you to act in a movie, the least you can do is not mumble your lines.”

(”I love you.” “Love you.”) “Wow, say it like you don’t mean it, Edward.”

“He switched from the gay little pea coat to stupid blazers that don’t fit for this movie.”

(”We have to leave Forks.” “Why?”) “Because of your face.”

“Line…”

(”Just myself and my family.”) “And Kitty Fantastico.” “They don’t have a cat.”

(Frank laughs when Edward says not to do anything reckless.) “First thing she’s gonna do is go drunk driving.”

(”It’s not about your soul.”) “White people don’t have no soul anyway.”

“Haha. He abandons her in the woods so she won’t be able to find her way back.” “Yeah, and they’re standing right by her house when he leaves, and she still manages to get lost.”

“I don’t want you to come to any harm, so I’m abandoning you in the woods.”

“Squirrel! Have you seen Edward?”

(We laugh many times during Bella’s lost-in-the-woods scene.)

“Ooh. Wake up for that, Bella. You’re missing some fabulous pecs.” (that was me, if you’re wondering)

“Found the girl. Now can we look for my shirt?”

“She is not very nice to her ‘friends.’”

“Hey, you know who it’d be great for you to live with? Your mother.” (And then we laugh 30 seconds later when Charlie tells Bella she’s going to live with her mother.)

(”You hate shopping.”) “You also hate Jessica.”

“Charlie’s cop mustache is pleased.”

(re: Jessica) “I hope a vampire kills her soon.”

“Where are you GOING?” (reference to Twilight RiffTrax)

“She is stupid.” “Duh. She’s Bella.”

(”I brought you something. It’s a little crazy.”) “It’s scissors. For your hair.”

(”Of course it’s stupid and reckless. When do we start?”) “We’re talking about having sex, right?”

“No, a white man killed all our girls.”

(”You’ve gotta learn to love what’s good for you.”) “Like fiber.” “Like my mustache. It won’t stop growing, so…”

(re: Sam staring at Jacob, waiting for him to join his gang) “Maybe he’s staring at your long hair, waiting for you to cut it.”

“Closeup of Sam’s abs! Good cameraman!” (me)

“Shouting ‘whoa’ does not make it go slower. It’s not a horse.”

“Hahahaha. She has to find a rock.”

(”You’re apologizing for bleeding?”) “For living, in general.”

(re: Face Punch) “I mean, that’s the best action movie title they can come up with?” “I’d watch it.”

“That movie actually sounds interesting.”

“Wow. She’s got the sissiest friends.”

(”I’m not like a car that you can fix up.”) “Cars have value.”

“Bad dog! Down, boy!”

(”Jacob, I need you.”) “Yeah, I’ve got these abandonment issues, where people abandon me…”

(”You cut your hair off? And got a tattoo?”) “That’s so gay!”

(”How about those filthy bloodsuckers you love? The Cullens.”) “Oh, I’m glad you clarified which bloodsuckers you meant. I thought you meant mosquitoes.”

(”You’ve lied to everyone. Charlie…”) “I can’t name anyone else. You don’t talk enough to your friends to lie to them.”

(”I can’t be your friend anymore.”) “Because of your pale face.”

(”I used to be a good kid. Not anymore.”) “I’ve taken up with childhood obesity.”

“She doesn’t have anyone to stare at right now, so they show clips of her staring from the last movie.”

(”Lie.”) “I’d have to think to lie.”

“Why isn’t he sparkling?” “It’s not sunny. It’s overcast. Or maybe only white vampires sparkle.”

(”Don’t be afraid. I’m doing you a kindness.”) “You’re doing the whole world a kindness, Laurent.”

“Snausages!”

“He looks like he’s skateboarding.”

(”I saw them in the woods.”) “What are woods?”

“You know, Jacob, you could text me that you’re outside. You don’t have to throw rocks at my window and scare the crap out of me.”

(”Bella!”) “Oh. I was looking for Bela Lugosi. I hate vampires!”

(Jacob climbs into Bella’s room.) “Parkour!”

(”I hate what they’ve done to you!”) “Now you’re no longer asexual and non-threatening.”

(”You remember when we walked on the beach at La Push?”) “Oh, you caught that, did you?”

(”No, I’m in it for life.”) “What, you joined the Crips?”

“I can’t just run away from it. I’m a Native American, not a Native Frenchman.”

“I know the truth, Jacob. You’re a zombie.”

“She put 2 and 2 together when she saw a wolf in a wheelchair.”

(Sam’s pack starts laughing at Bella.) “Just thinking of the Simpsons episode I saw last night.”

“Be careful not to get too near the wolves, Bella. If you get their blood on you, you might get a computer virus.”

(”Alice, is it possible that all the myths are true?”) A leprechaun should just come out of nowhere and say, “Oh, everything’s alright, milady.”

(”We can hear each other’s thoughts.”) “That’s what we learned about wolves on the Discovery Channel.”

(”We’re faster than vampires.”) “And hairier and less pale.”

“What are you doing wearing a shirt?”

(”So you’re a werewolf?”) “We prefer to be called Native Canines.”

(”It’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella. I was born this way.”) “And I’m also a werewolf.”

(”Your lack of confidence in us is a little insulting.”) “So’s your face.”

“What is it with Native Americans and lying?”

“Bury my heart at Wounded Knee!”

“Being a vampire looks like fun. She’s just flipping around, doing swan dives…”

(Victoria is coming at Bella in the water, Bella hits her head.) “And then Victoria just decided Bella was too pathetic to kill.”

“Usually a human body’s buoyant, but she must have had a couple of burritos or something.”

“No mixed signals there. Leaning in for a kiss and then stopping. You’re not a tease at all, Bella.”

(”I’m not gonna let him kill himself out of guilt.”) “Yeah, I don’t care if he kills himself out of guilt.”

“Now he’s gonna provoke them. ‘You’re doody heads!’ ‘We’ll kill you!’”

(”He’s gonna show himself to the humans.”) “And they’ll be like, ‘Wow! He’s glittering! He must be a vampire!’” (all said in hick accent, which he probably thinks is an Italian accent)

“This is just so contrived. ‘Oh no! Annoying girl who always looks like she’s gassy is dead! I’m gonna kill myself!’”

“Look at her coppin’ a feel on everybody.”

“They both like to jump to conclusions and commit suicide. They’re perfect for each other.”

(”I just couldn’t live in a world where you don’t exist.”) “I could.”

(”And you believed me so easily.”) “Because you’re stupid.”

“Um, Alice? Leave the shoulder pads in the ’80s where they belong.”

“Seriously, Edward needs some iron or B-12 or something.”

(”How can you stand to be so close to her?” “It’s not without difficulty.”) “The whole world shares your sentiments.”

(Aro takes Bella’s hand to read her thoughts.) “We are now vampire married.”

(”I see nothing.”) “She’s never had a single thought in her life.”

“I caught a bumblebee!”

“Um, why is Edward getting his butt kicked? He can’t read Felix’s thoughts and predict his moves like he does in Eclipse?”

“Man, this is the best part of the movie. It’s what we’ve all wanted to do to him.”

(”Kill me! Not him!”) “Oh, I’ll kill you both.”

(”You’d give your life for one of our kind?”) “Not you, douchebag.”

“You’re in Italy! Speak English!”

(Marcus: “Let us be done with this.”) “American Idol will be on soon.”

(Caius says something.) “And tell me if I’m a boy or a girl.”

(”Last time you said that, you took off, and I didn’t see you for three days.”) “Best three days of my life.”

(”It would be nice to not want to kill you all the time.”) “Maybe if you’d succeeded before, it would already be resolved, you failure.”

As a soon-to-be-mom, I promise to:

*Not become a mommy blogger. Please take me aside and give me a good punching if I do such a thing. My blog would rather die than be put out to mommy blogger pasture, so please don’t let it devolve down that road. That said, I don’t consider pregnancy blogging to be the same as mommy blogging, so continue reading here at your own risk.

*Never, EVER use the phrase, “Just wait till you have kids. Then you’ll understand.” There are fewer words more obnoxious than these, and I’ve wanted to punch many people for saying them to me. Especially during the period when we were trying to get pregnant. The words made me truly violent on the inside.

*Be conscientious of any annoyance or discomfort my child’s crying or whining may be to others. That’s not to say that there won’t be training involved in which the annoyances are necessary. I’m sure I’ll forget about this by the end of the first week as a mom, and it’s okay for you to hate me and judge me for it.

*Not talk exclusively of my kid. I know I was my own person before the baby, and I will try to maintain at least a little bit of myself. Also, if I talk exclusively of the kid, how will people know how the animals are doing?

*Try to blog at least as much as I do now. Hahahaha.

Any other promises you’d like me to make?

Frank is actually inviting people to suggest names for our baby–clearly he doesn’t understand that we’re already going to have 7 months of people trying to convince us that they know best what the baby should be called.

Names I like so far:

Anya Christina Emmanuella Fleming
Colt Magnum Fleming
William Spike Fleming
Renesmee Jacob Fleming
Luna Ginevra Fleming
Fitzwilliam Darcy Fleming
Michael Vaughn Fleming
Irina Fleming (no middle name)
Alien J. Fleming
John Donahue Fleming
Shutyerpiehole Kara Fleming
Kitty Fantastico Fleming
Cordelia Harmony Fleming
George Michael Fleming
Egg Maeby Fleming
Steve Holt! Fleming
Perry Turkleton Fleming
Horatio Mac Fleming
Sheldon Cooper Fleming

Someone on Twitter suggested Simon Pauler Fleming, and that’s now on my list.

Ok, have at it. What do you suggest we name the little alien?

I’ve been saving them up, people. Actually, I have a few posts saved up, so you might want to avoid the blog for a day or two or three. You might not know what to do if you see actual blog content here.
***

“You’re gonna be a DAD. Just remember that you’re not allowed to say anything to our child that isn’t pre-approved by me.”
***

HE: Oh, I know a good name: Samwise.
ME: No hobbits.
***

“Good job impregnating me. Well, it was you or the UPS guy, and since our UPS guy is a lady, you have a pretty good shot.”
***

“Never call a pregnant woman stupid. She will punch you in the face.”
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ME: Hey, sweetie, if you ever audition for American Idol while I’m in labor, I’ll never speak to you again.
HE: Okay.
***

ME: I have my first doctor appointment March 16. They’ll do the ultrasound, and then I’ll see the doctor.
HE: Coo’. When do we have the test to determine if it’s mine?
***

ME (to friend, after she sent me a link to pictures showing what my baby looks like right now): My baby has a TAIL?
CP: That’s from Frank’s side.
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ME: Our baby has a tail!
HE: We should name him Fievel.
ME: No rats.
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ME: Good job, left ovary! You’re my favorite of the ovaries.
***

This guy?

Or this guy?

A 3000% price decrease! That’s 2900 more percents than you got under George W. Bush! Obama is clearly a superior president.

Yeah, so I’m 10.5 weeks pregnant. We’ve known for about 6 weeks. And this is the single hardest secret I’ve ever kept! We weren’t going to tell until 12 weeks, but the stats were all really good today, so we gave in early.

Oh, um, did you know they take the ultrasound through your hoo-hah? Yeah, just a heads up there. And the wand is cold.

Anyway. The baby’s heartbeat was 167 bpm, which the ultrasound tech declared “perfect.” And she’s the perfect size for 10.5 weeks.

This post feels scattered, but this is me ever since we saw the heartbeat. All I have to do is see the word heartbeat, and I start crying. It’s a magical thing, seeing that. I can’t even describe how wonderful it is and how much your whole world just shifts. My tears have been on a hair trigger all afternoon.

Frank, of course, cried during “Up” and one episode of “Scrubs” but did not cry at our baby’s heartbeat. Soulless monster. Really, though, he saw the heartbeat before the tech even mentioned it, and he was so animated, like a kid. “Oh! There’s the heart! Do you see the heartbeat?” And that’s when everything became real for him.

At one point, I laughed, and the baby jumped and waved her little hand around. That was an amazing thing to see. So next time we go for an ultrasound, I’m definitely drinking a Coke right beforehand like I did today. Keep baby awake and moving.

I can’t stop looking at the ultrasound pictures. I’ll post more later. There’s an awesome one with her hand waving right next to her face, and it just looks like she has this long alien jaw with razor sharp alien teeth. She kind of looks like the creature from Alien. It’s my favorite one.

When we came out of the ultrasound and sat waiting for the doctor’s appointment, I saw a girl from behind, and her hair looked just like my hairdresser’s. I told Frank, “That looks like my hairdresser from behind.” She turned around, and it was her. Haha. She’s three weeks away from her due date and pretty much the most precious pregnant woman you’ll ever see.

I love the OB/GYN. He’s wonderful. He told me that looking at all my food allergies/issues, he knows that I know my body really well, so if I feel like something’s wrong, I should come in and see him. That scored him MAJOR points, because y’all know I like props and respect from docs.

He said I don’t have to gain 25-35 pounds, that the bulk of the weight gain is so I have fat stores for when breastfeeding sucks the life out of me (he said it’s like the calorie output of running a 10K 3x a day!). I patted my thighs and told him I had plenty of that, and he said it’s totally fine if I don’t gain all that weight. Which is good, since I lost 2 pounds since seeing my primary doc at 4.5 weeks. My goal is to gain only 10-15, and if you think that’s unrealistic and think I can’t do it, just keep it to yourself, because I’m hormonal and emotional, and I will cut you.

I’m supposed to up my thyroid med by half, which is great, because I live in Exhaustedland these days.

They took 5 tubes of blood from me after we saw the doc. They better not put it in some national DNA database.

As you can see, I may call the baby Renesmee Jacob Fleming on the blog until s/he is born, and yes, it’s a joke, as only the biggest tool in the world would name her baby Renesmee. My other thought is Alien J. Fleming.

I’m gonna stop now, since this is so disjointed and stilted.

New from my favorite internet band, Pomplamoose: Lady Gaga’s “Telephone”.

John Hawkins took a blogger poll of our top movies of all time. I participated. Here were my choices (not necessarily in order):

The Goonies
The Princess Bride
Rudy
It’s a Wonderful Life
Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
Say Anything
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
The Usual Suspects
The Little Mermaid
When Harry Met Sally

I had to delete several potentials, since Hawkins only allowed us to submit 10 movies. Honorable mentions:

Shakespeare in Love (if I’d thought of it sooner, I would have put this in my top 10 instead of When Harry Met Sally)
Serenity
Bring It On (yeah, that’s right)
Legally Blonde
A Walk to Remember
Mermaids
Benny & Joon
The Philadelphia Story
Fried Green Tomatoes
Zoolander
Galaxy Quest

My list varies day to day, but my top 5 are pretty static. Not necessarily in order, but 1 and 2 are always The Goonies and The Princess Bride.

What are your favorites?