volume XII

hiya, self! long time no notes! yer lookin’ good, nice to see you finally have some color on your scarily white self. me? oh, fine, thanks. enough with the pleasantries, i have notes! notes, i say!

self, never take driving directions from a senior manager; “park at the rose bushes” is not exactly precise. only take directions from someone who says things like “park at the administration offices” or “park at the library”.

self, i think you should always be prepared. and by “prepared”, i mean “keep a gas mask in your car”. that way, if you’re sent to a podunk Texas town to audit for the first time, you’ll have that gas mask handy in the event THE ENTIRE TOWN REEKS OF SULFUR. man, i hope i don’t go to hell, because brimstone sure stinks. and it’s hot there.

yeah, self, i’d like to ask that you watch where you’re going. you get far too many deep, massive, purple bruises, and it hurts you/me when we gets them. gollum!

say, self, i like that thing you did last night where you picked up a non-fiction book instead of a novel; you haven’t done that since Mr. Metcalf made you read Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee in AP History class.anyway, we needed the sleep, so kudos, bebe. [apologies to Michelle Malkin... i did make it through four pages of the intro, surely a new record for me reading non-fic while dreadfully sleepy... and today at lunch i read another few pages of the intro and all of chapter 1! btw, i think it's misleading to call it an "intro" when it's 23xxiii pages long (xxxv if you include the note to readers)... i'm expecting an intro to say something like "hey, thanks for reading my book. everything after this here introduction is part of my book. the introduction is my way of introducing you to my book. without further ado... "introducing... MY BOOK!! HOORAY!" just sayin'.]

um, self, the weeds in the front and back yards aren’t going to eat themselves. k?

speaking of that, self, just because your backyard grass is a luscious green color when it’s two feet tall, don’t expect it to be so green after you cut it. for some reason, sunlight doesn’t penetrate down to the base of that tall stuff. who knew?

self, i’ll try to remind you next year, but in case i don’t, when it’s time to plant the tomatoes again, plant more than two bushes. “fried green tomato” just isn’t as filling as “fried green tomatoes”.

self, don’t let that biker Pappy laugh at you when you ask if you’re supposed to sit back on the motorcycle. so what if it has a back rest? i say it was a valid question.

listen, self, i know you have this innate tendency to lose keys, sorry, hide keys from yourself. but i’m thinking the back yard, which is outside your house, is not the best place to hide the keys that open all the doors to your house. call me crazy.

self, this is not so much a note as a warning… when you’re in Fort Worth this weekend, stay away from the Kia dealership. far away. you have that car-buying look in your eye.

self, next time someone asks, “are you married? kids? all that?” just smile your head and nod. or nod your head and smile. or say no, and receive the dreaded response of “shazam! holy bat droppings, SarahK! you’re STILLLLLL SINGLE????? what, do you have six belly buttons or a severe case of athlete’s foot? or are you just plain mean?!? to the bat cave! i’ll find you a suitable mate for sure! i mean, yeah, he avoids all direct sunlight, but don’t worry, he only bites a little, and it hardly ever scars! here, SarahK, meet my friend LeStat!”

dead air… bye, self. go Stars.

8 Responses to volume XII

  1. You are so weird, in a cool way.

  2. Hey, look on the bright side! Your grass is probably dead down near the ground so one more mowing job and that’s it!! You’ll get used to the brown (I did :-( ).

  3. maggie katzen

    I’m thinking rock garden. I’ve seen that part of the world and well, I wouldn’t want to have to keep any plants alive.

  4. Wait, a small Texas town school that smells like sulphur? Lampasas ?

  5. Be sure to listen to yourself. Stay away from the Kia dealership. I’ve had mine for a few years and the thing has been recalled twice. It’s only a few years old, but it is held together with duct tape and W bumperstickers. That was the first and last time I’ll buy a Kia.

  6. six belly buttons, me laugh.

  7. joshua, thank you, i take that as a compliment.

    jonag, i’m thankful that the front yard is mostly green, so at least Mr. Perfect Yard across the street won’t scowl when he sees it.

    maggie, if my tomatoes fail, i’ll remember your wisdom. :)

    rey, no.

    exile, really? that’s the first i’ve heard anyone complain about their kia. what about the sorento? because i heart those.

    spacemonkey, it’s funny ’cause it’s true. ;)

  8. Not sure about the Sorento. I bought the bottom of the line Rio, (to go along with my bottom of the line salary at the time.)

    I’m probably being too harsh, my kia runs fine. It’s just not a well built machine.