i guess i’ll semi-liveblog the Oscars (DVR-delayed)

just so i can make fun of Hollywood’s backdoorpatting ceremony.

* Wow, I can’t believe how excited I used to get about the Oscars. That’s back when not every single movie was political, I didn’t have to look at The Blob every year, and Billy Crystal hosted. He’s funny. You know who they should have host this thing? Kathy Griffin. That would make for a laugh out loud ceremony. She would spend the whole time just baggin’ on all the celebrities, and they would just sit looking uncomfy at the notion that anyone would dare front them. Anyway, we’ll see if Jon Stewart is funny. If he doesn’t just feed them line after line of “Bush is dumb” he will be hilarious. Otherwise, just same ol’ Hollywood bunk.

* I used to throw major parties and never let anyone talk during the speeches (and that was haaaaard, because one of my friends owned Beagles, so you know, very excitable and chatty). Then again, I also used to live for Entertainment Weekly and People Weekly.

* Anyway, the opening is funny, with all the past hosts turning down the job.

* Jon Stewart’s opening speech is shaping up hilarious. All his political jokes have been funny!

* Walk the LineRay with white people. LOL.

* Crash is pretty much the only one we saw. Walk the Line is top of our Netflix list.

* The stage looks pretty and sci-fi.

* Nicole Kidman is presenting Best Supporting Actor. She looks pretty and very white. Paul Giammati for Cinderella Man and Matt Dillon in Crash are the only two we saw. Oh my goodness, this is the first time I’m seeing an actual clip from Backdoor Mountain, and LOL! That is so gay! And George Clooney has won for Syriana. LOL, it’s true what he said about that meaning that he’s not winning director. They only give you one. Aw, I wanted Matt Dillon to win. See, at first it looked like Clooney might say something meaningful about Hollywood being out of touch, and then there goes that Hollywood moral vanity (yes, I’m stealing that from National Review ODT), and he’s just so proud to be out of touch with most of America. Congratulations, George, I’m so happy you’ve figured out how to live so much better than the rest of us. * sniff *

* LOL, the acceptance speech bit where the orchestra is beating Tom Hanks over the head with violins and blowing darts out of their clarinets.

* Oh dear, Ben Stiller is wearing a pistachio green body suit. He’s presenting the award for Visual Effects. Nominees: Narnia (fantastic), King Kong (mighty grand), War of the Worlds (very good, but visual effects in Kong were better). Wow, a category where I actually saw all the nominees, yay me! Kong wins, as it should.

* Reese Witherspoon looks amazing. You know, people say I look like her. I tell them they’re high, she’s way skinnier. We didn’t see any of the Animated Features this year. Wallace & Gromit wins. Oh how cute, the winners brought matching bowties for their statues.
* BTW, since I’m a housewife, I watch General Hospital now. Friday’s episode, Carly was whining about her best friend being dead from the virus, and she said something completely lame like, “There was a commercial on that said the Oscars were coming on this Sunday… on ABC… and…” and I just started laughing. They are really trying to save the Oscars this year. I’ll bet AI beats Oscar… but you know, Jon Stewart could actually help.
* Naomi Watts is presenting Dolly Parton, who’s singing something from that Trans-gendered movie. What attacked Naomi’s dress? Just wondering. Rowdi does not like Dolly’s performance (she’s grunting). Leave her alone, dog, she’s pushing 70 and looks great, thanks to many years of plastic surgery. Man, she has such a tiny waist, Scarlett O’Hara had nothing on Dolly. Dolly’s so great, what a great performer. She’s just so good.

* Woo! Owen and Luke Wilson together on the stage (hubba hubba). Bottle Rocket was a funny movie, I don’t care how much it made. They’re presenting Live Action Short. Something called “Six Shooter” won. I wonder if it’s about how guns are evil. I honestly don’t know.

* Chicken Little and someone Mallard are presenting something. And the duck is ranting about no pants for ducks. They’re doing Animated Short. Zach Braff does great voice work. “The Moon and the Sun” won. Didn’t see it.

* Jennifer Aniston is presenting Costume Design, which I fully expect my silly sister-in-law will win someday. Unless people find out she’s got a brother with a Republican blog. Eek! For the record, Jen, you should just forget Brad. He’s an expletive deleted in my book. Memoirs of a Geisha wins. I don’t think we saw any of those.

* We don’t go to the movies much, except for big stuff we don’t want to wait for Netflix for. We probably went to the theaters 4 times this year (if that). Can you blame us? For an afternoon at the movies, we can have Indian food for dinner. So instead we have Indian food once a week.

* Whoa. They’re doing this tribute to real-life people, thanking them for being them so they have people to make movies about. I saw at least one serial killer in there. Aileen Wourous? Serial killer. Thank you so much, people, for being you, so we can make movies about you. Especially you serial killers! Mwah! How we love you!

* Will Ferrell and Steve Carell are doing the Makeup award. And they’re made up very funnily. Nominees are Narnia, Cinderella Man, and Star Wars III. Any of those are good choices, and yay, we actually saw all of them! and Narnia wins.

* Oh look! Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban at the Oscars together! I forgot they were dating. They’re dating, right? I think I heard that somewhere.

* Morgan Freeman. I heart him. He’s presenting Best Supporting Actress. Wow, Rachel Weisz is nominated! I always liked her, I hope she wins. And she does, good for her.
* Lauren Bacall always looks so classy. I’m not sure what she presented, but it was some clip-montage of black and white movies.

* The lobbying ads for the Best Actress nominees – that was funny. Funny enough that when my monkey-face got back from walking the dog, I waited for him to put the poo away so I could rewind it for him.

* Terrence Howard (who was excellent in Crash) is presenting Documentary Shorts. “A Note of Triumph + subtitle” wins. Have no idea what any of these are about. And see there’s Clooney, who should have smiled, giggled, and nodded when the lady thanked the Academy for seating her next to him at the nominees’ luncheon. Instead he gave a shrug and a “I don’t know what she’s talking about.” Snob.

* Charlize Theron. She’s wearing a cream puff on her shoulder. I hope March of the Penguins wins. It’s the only one we saw, and we liked it. Yay! It won!

* There’s J.Lo, to present the song from Crash, being sung by Kathleen Bird York. She looks fabulous J.Lo). Oh, I did love this song. I hope it wins. The lady singing it is the songwriter. She is an actress and was actually in the movie. I don’t remember who Officer Johnson was; I think she was the officer on the scene at the gas station where the one cop shot the other cop.

* Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves are presenting together. How cute! I remember Speed was one of the first VHSs I actually bought myself. Anyway, Sandra’s dress is pretty, but she should discipline the cat that got ahold of her hair. They’re presenting Art Direction. Good Night, and Good Luck, Harry Potter GOF, King Kong, Memoirs of a Geisha, Pride and Prejudice. We saw 2! Wow, Harry Potter movies have come a long way since the first one, no? Anyway, Memoirs won.
* I can’t stop thinking about my strawberry-cream cheese pie. I’ve already had two pieces and just might go for a third. I should go to Curves this week, because I didn’t go at all last week. Tension headaches and shootings and whatnot. But I really care about that pie more than the movies they’re honoring tonight. I wish Hollywood would make a movie with guns in it. Then I might care about the movies more than I care about pie. I heart pie. Would anyone know if I had that last piece? Sure, Frank would, but who would he tell? Besides, he just went to bed, and I deserve that pie, because I have to put the dog away (in her kennel) all by myself tonight. That’s pie-worthy right there.

* They’re showing Jimmy Stewart in their clips of something or other. I heart him. I want all of his movies. I think last year we made it up to 4. Maybe
* The president of the Academy is up there now, and he’s waxing poetic about how wonderful it is to go to the movie theater, and how nothing is as good on DVD. Yeah, but we can pay twenty bucks to watch 5-6 movies every month, and we don’t have to pay gas money to even go to Blockbuster, because Netflix gets the movies to us right away. BTW, this made for a great time to get up for that last piece of pie. But you know what, I had to stretch and step over that doggie gate to get into the kitchen, so if nothing else, I’m becoming more flexible.

* Salma Hayek looks beautiful, though her dress reminds me of Saran wrap. She still hasn’t learned English, though. Anyway, here’s something the Academy tends to get wrong. Itzhak Perlman is performing bits of the 5 scores, as a surprise performer. They should advertise stuff like this! Itzhak Perlman will draw people. Don’t make him a surprise. Tell people. Anyone, Original Score. I didn’t see any of the movies, but John Williams is nominated twice. Give it to him. And they didn’t.

* BTW, I’ll never be able to watch a Heath Ledger (heartthrob) or Jake Gyllenhaal (heartthrob) movie again without thinking “gay cowboy”. Congrats, Oscar.

* Oh, and look, Jake Gyllenhaal (gay cowboy) is on stage. He used to be so cute. Now he’s a gay cowboy. Mmm, yum, I’m enthralled. Ha, he’s also going on about how nothing can be good except on a big screen. Do you think Hollywood’s squirming about ticket sales being so low? Here’s a clue: drop the prices, people will see the movies. Here’s another clue: TV’s better than the movies these day. What 24 does in an hour is way better than most 3-hour Hollywood epics (Peter Jackson excluded).

* Man, that pie was good. It’s a good thing I’m not trying to lose weight. And how many montages are we going to see tonight?

* Jessica Alba and Eric Bana are presenting Sound Mixing. I wonder if the IMAO Podcast will be nominated? Jessica Alba looks great. I hope Narnia or Kong wins, just because I saw it and loved it. Was that gay cowboy in Narnia? No wait, that was someone who’s neither gay nor a cowboy. Anyway, Kong wins. Is anyone else noticing that the movies that actually made money at the box office are the ones winning the “lesser” categories? I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that the major Picture nominees are Hollywood’s political statements and completely out of touch with America. Except Crash. That was good.

* Tomlin and Streep look great. Well, Tomlin’s outfit isn’t one I’d buy for a company Christmas party, but wait! I don’t work! Yay me! Anyway, I wouldn’t wear it, but she looks great. Wait. Michelle Williams. Wasn’t she in Dawson’s Creek? I never watched it, but I always teased my dear friend Scott for it. I really miss Scott and Candace.

* Anyway, that was an Honorary Oscar for Robert Altman, and Jack Nicholson’s 15 year-old date is going, “Who?” That was really cute, his heart transplant joke.
* This commercial has M. Night Shyamalan. Right? Looks like him. I got back from the bathroom and thought it was on the telecast, but no, I think it’s a commercial. Ok, that was a weird commercial for Amex. Next please.

* Alright. I gotta say, 2 piracy mentions is way more than enough. We get it, really. We know you think the problem with your ticket sales is that people steal movies. It’s really NOT your problem. Your problem is that you make movies that no one wants to see and then you charge us to watch them; with the movies you make, we should be charging you. The only movies we go to are remakes or movies based on books or comic books. Nobody cares about your gay cowboys. I promise. If you want to make money, try making a movie about guns or the military that isn’t backhandedly saying that guns and the military are bad. Try making a chick flick whose main dialogue doesn’t consist of “OMG!” over and over. If your movie is good enough, you’ll make a killing in DVD sales.
* And the next nominated song is presented by Ludacris. It’s called “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp”, performed by some people. Every time there’s a rap on the Oscars, I think about the look on Barbra Streisand’s face when she had to announce that Eminem won the Oscar for Original Song. I would watch a hundred Oscar marathonicasts just to see that face again. It was beautiful. Not her face, but seeing her squirm like that. Ok, what movie was the pimp song even from? Did I miss that? Apparently something called Hustle & Flow.
* Queen Latifah is presenting the award. She looks good. Hair, earrings, dress… I hope Crash wins this. Wow, the pimp song won. I love it when Hollywood sits in their chairs with that “Oh ****” look on their faces! What, George Clooney? We gave an award to black people? Can we do that here? They just look so appalled, and I LOVE it. Good on ya, pimp people. Put Hollywood in their place. 3-6 Mafia is apparently what they’re called. I’m so happy for them, they’re so happy!

* My stargazer lilies are so pretty.

* I love the fake 527 commercials they have. Jennifer Garner is presenting Sound Editing. She almost fake-falls so that she can deliver the “impromptu” line of “I do my own stunts.” Speaking of that, Jen, where’s ALIAS? And wow, look at those boobs. She must be breast-feeding Benny-Boo’s baby (good for her!). and King Kong is winning all the awards tonight.

* High-and-mighty-George is presenting the Dead People Montage. Speaking of that, I’ve now killed two actors. Once upon a time, someone said something about Lloyd Bridges. And I said, “Isn’t he dead?” and they said, “No.” And the next day, he was dead. A couple of weeks ago, Frank mentioned Don Knotts, and I said, “Isn’t he dead?” and Frank said no, and now, he’s dead. I’m sorry, y’all! I totally didn’t mean to kill y’all!

* Will Smith is presenting the Foreign Language Film award. Italy, France, Palestinian Territories, Germany, and South Africa are nominated. I’m rooting for Germany, ’cause those are my peeps. Unless it was about how great it is to be a Nazi. Then I distance myself. Tsotsi from South Africa wins. tsotsi.com is where you can read his thank yous. I like that, no speech, go to my website. Way better than “You like me! You really like me!” or the out-of-breath Susan Sarandon acting all shocked.

* Zhang Ziyi is presenting the Film Editing award, and she already speaks better English than Salma Hayek. And Crash wins! Yay, it’s the only one I saw! Oh, and Zhang Ziyi looks gorgeous. Very classy.
* Boy Hilary is coming out to give the Best Actor award. She actually looks like a girl! Good for her. I would love for Philip Seymour Hoffman to win. He’s a great actor. Terrence Howard is nominated, and I’m so confused, because I was sure it was for Crash, but it’s not. And there’s that gay-cowboy-for-life Heath Ledger. Oh wait. I really would like Joaquin Phoenix to win. Learned to sing for his role. I do love David Strathairn, though. Ever since Sneakers. But anyway, go Joaquin. And it’s Philip Seymour Hoffman.

* Mr. Talkthroughmyteeth presented the Cinematography award to the guy who filmed Memoirs of a Geisha.

* Jamie Foxx is presenting Best Actress. I didn’t see any of these, but I’d love to see Reese Witherspoon win this. Wow! She won! I’m so happy for her. Pleeeeease don’t forget to thank your husband and your costar. Ok, costar, check. Husband… check. Good girl.
* I must say, watching the Oscars in HD is way better than ever before! How many wrinkles can I see tonight?!? All of them!

* Dustin Hoffman is presenting the Adapted Screenplay award. Didn’t see any of these. Brokeback Mountain wins. I’m so thrilled! Oh wait. Don’t really give a flip. Acceptance speech: “The duty of art is to send light into the darkness of men’s hearts.” Oh pleeeeeease, get over yourself!!! That strawberry pie only tastes good going down!

* Oh yay. I had really longed to see a nipple tonight. Thank you, Uma Thurman. Anyway, her dress is pretty, her hair is ok, and her makeup looks like her pimp beat her up. It’s a hard life for a pimp, you know. Anyway, I think she’s doing the Original Screenplay. I really think Crash should win, because it’s the only one I saw. And yay, Crash wins! Actually, that might just have been a bad shadow from her dress, but I’m not ruling out nipple.

* Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves look like they couldn’t be less happy to be sitting next to each other.

* Tom Hanks is presenting Best Director. “All five nominees have chosen projects of social significance to stimulate the mind as well as entertain the audience.” Translation: “If you don’t think these movies are great, you’re an ignorant bigot who wouldn’t recognize good art if it shot you with a .45.” Goodness, they really do love themselves. I hope Paul Haggis wins for Crash. I’m so shocked. The gay movie won! What a long, socially-conscious way Ang Lee has come since Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. And this movie made even less than his foreign language film’s soundtrack (I assume). A big congrats on that. It’s good he felt his family with him every day on the gay movie. ::eye roll::

* Jack Nicholson is presenting Best Picture, as he is wont to do. Do I even need to say that I hope Crash wins, since I saw it? WOOOOOOOOHOOOO!! CRASH ACTUALLY WON! That is a HUGE upset, and my favorite part of the whole night! And none of the cast or crew can believe it. YAY! Let this be a lesson: You don’t have to make a movie about gay cowboys to win an Oscar. Wait, did that lady thank her husband AND her wife? I’m confused.

* Jon Stewart says goodnight. He did a good job.

12 Responses to i guess i’ll semi-liveblog the Oscars (DVR-delayed)

  1. I am pulling for Charlize, too. I have been in love with her since “The Cider House Rules”. Blonde gorgeousness and talent are a rare combination these days. She also seems to have a real personhood in real life.

  2. I am pulling for Charlize, too. I have been in love with her since “The Cider House Rules”. Blonde gorgeousness and talent, too. She seems to have a real personality off-screen as well.

  3. Sorry. I didn’t think the first one went through. Anyway, since I’m here again,…I have often been disappointed with the Oscar results. It has seemed to get more popularity and politically oriented of late. Notice the number of “lifetime achievement” awards. It means they feel guilty about not giving these people the credit they were due before.

  4. Not too many surprises with the awards. But when you see Walk the Line you will probably wonder why Joaquin didn’t win. His performance is simply amazing. It’s a great movie. I always enjoy your play-by-play.

  5. No, not many real surprises. But, as a guy, I have to say that Reesie deserved hers. She has developed into a very talented actress. And she showed she could handle any kind of role.

  6. Ahemm! You were longing to see a nipple? You aren’t crossing over on us are you, sarahk? Frank and the rest of us ‘shield and spear’ gender would be very disappointed! (razz!)

  7. you did a great play by play of the oscars, I haven’t watched them in years & you made them interesting.
    I didn’t see any of the nominated films but have a few on my netflix list.
    heh, I actually forgot the oscars were on. I’m glad I spent my time watching my favorite foriegn film last night instead of wasting my time with the oscars.

  8. yay Philip Seymour Hoffman!
    yay Reese Whitherspoon!
    yay Crash!
    yay Rachel Weiss!
    yay Wallace & Gromit!

    we saw Walk the Line on Friday and I loved it. Glad we bought it (for $15 at Best Buy) as opposed to seeing it in the theater (for no less than $20 without popcorn).

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  10. Loved your play by play. We had many of the same reactions at my house… (And what was with all of the montages???)

  11. Not a bad show this year, and Blob free! I’ll probably skip it if they nominate “Sicko” next year.

  12. It’s good to hear Zhang Ziyi is speaking English well. She’s been learning since Crouching Tiger (according to my wife). She’s an excellent actress. Of course, I’ve only seen her martial arts stuff (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon; House of the Flying Daggers; and Hero). I like Selma Hayek’s accent. She wouldn’t be the same without it.

    My wife was happy Ang Lee won (yeah Hong Kong movie people) even though it was for that movie. It sounds like I’m going to have to rent Crash (assuming you have good taste in movies). If you haven’t seen Wallace and Grommitt, you ought to. It’s good clean movie. And the shorts (particularly the last one) were even better.

    Thanks for the live blogging. I don’t watch awards shows, but the summary was nice (no liberal nagging!).