Previously on 24, Aaron verbally kicked President Estro in the nads, Estro tried to have Aaron killed, but Marty saved his life by killing his would-be secret service killer. Estro suicided Walt Cummings. Bierko escaped CTU’s transport and threw a nerve-gas canister into a submarine, which just happened to be in an L.A. civilian port being inspected by U.S. navy personnel as a part of the treaty that was signed less than a day earlier, because those treaties work *so* fast. Bierko took over the sub. To catch Bierko, Robocop was offered a deal, and Jack took him with him to the submarine, though we would all rather have Rico Suave for the op. Turns out, there are 12 warheads on the sub that the terrorists want to use for an attack on the U.S.
5:00 a.m. to 6:00 a.m.
Bierko and his goons check to make sure everyone’s dead, then check the air to make sure it’s safe to take off their gas masks. Bierko commands his men to remove their masks, and if it were me, I wouldn’t trust him. I’d wait to see his was off before I blindly followed. Bierko says they’re close to finishing and notes that they’ve picked 12 high-value targets to teach the Americans a lesson with. Bad Americans, making treaties with Russia.
Audrey, who still *isn’t* dead while Edgar, Palmer, Michelle and Tony (yeah, I give up, he’s dead) *are*, gets on the video phone with Admiral Kirkland at the navy and tells him about the teeny issue with the submarine. She asks how fast he can scramble fighter jets to take out the sub before the missiles are launched. She stresses the 12 multiple-warhead missiles. He says they can be there in 22-25 minutes. She tells him that’s too long, because Bierko is launching in less than 20, and he says, “well I’ll scramble them right this second. They’ll still get there too late, but I’ma do it anyway. But it’s up to your team on the ground, Whiney.”
Jack and Robocop are at the sub and counting the guards. Mr. F tells Jack they’ve got less than 20 minutes. Bill gives even worse news that it’s going to be up to Jack and that guy he doesn’t trust to get control of the sub and the warheads.
So Robocop tells Jack he’s gonna need a weapon.
JACK: I’ll cover you.
ROBO: I don’t go in unprotected against hostiles!
JACK: YOU’RE hostile!
ROBO: I know you are, but what am I?
JACK: You’re an idiot!
ROBO: Yeah, you got me there, Jack, I am an idiot. But still, I’m gonna need a weapon. So give me that extra .45 you have there in your purse.
JACK: It’s not a purse, it’s a JackAttackSack. Eddie Bauer, $69.95.
ROBO: Whatever you wanna call it, Jack. Anyway, gimme that .45.
JACK: Fine, here, but don’t check the chamber or the magazine.
ROBO: Why would I do that?
They spot a signal tube that has been launched from the submarine, which could mean a friendly is on board. Chloe scans the emergency radio frequencies and finds the distressed friendly. She patches Jack through to Tim Rooney so Jack can give Tim instructions on how to be a red-shirt. Jack asks him where he is, and Rooney explains that he’s in a sealed engineering compartment that he shut down when the atmospheric gages went cuckoo. Chloe finds the easiest entrance to the sub for Jack, and Rooney says there’s a guard at the entrance. Jack says, “Yeah, about that, you’re gonna have to kill him.”
Robocop tells Jack that he’s not going in without a gun. Jack gives him the .45 from his purse.
ROBO: Jack, just so we’re clear. I help you stop the attack, and you help me and my wife disappear.
JACK: You mean your wife that I shot in the leg? Heh. That was funny. You totally never saw that coming. You thought I was gonna shoot you, and then I totally turned it around. BUUUUURRRRRRRRNN!!
ROBO: Jack, you promise?
JACK: Yeah, no problem. I’ll disappear you.
Mike Novick tells President Estrogen that Bierko’s taken over the sub’s missiles. Marty is waiting outside looking anxious. She calls Aaron to tell him that she can’t get Mike’s attention. Aaron says he should leave camp alone, and Marty says, “No, you’ll be seen, and we’ll never be able to make our love babies.”
Back at the submarine, Jack asks Rooney if he has a gun. Poor Rooney, the armory is on the other side of the ship. When Jack asks if Rooney has anything, he says, “I have a utility tool that has a knife on it,” which can be translated, “I have a Leatherman, but I’m not allowed to say so because they didn’t pay for advertising.” Jack tells Leatherman he’s gonna have to slit the throat of the terrorist who is guarding the door. “But I’m an engineer, I’m not trained for that.” So Jack gives him a play-by-play on just how to slit a guy’s throat. Except he tells him that he has to pull the head back real far in order to be successful. I thought I read somewhere that if you pull the head back, it protects the carotid and that in order to be successful, you have to push the head forward in order to expose the carotid. OH! I saw it on CSI. So I don’t know which one is true. One is TV, and the other is TV.
Jack shoots the outside guard and runs to the sub to await word from Leatherman that the terrorist guarding the inside of the hatch is dead. Leatherman panics when the terrorist struggles, so he just stabs the guy over and over in the neck until he dies. Whatever works.
Jack and Robocop come in, and Jack tells the untrained Leatherman to go create a diversion on the other side of the compartment to attract attention. “Oh, then just hide and hope they don’t see you. Because if they see you, you’re dead.”
Leatherman creates a distraction, and Bierko runs to check it out. They kill the other guy in the control room, and Robocop starts working on disarming the missiles, while Jack starts hunting Bierko.
Chloe’s on the line telling Jack to hurry, because they only have a minute before the missiles launch. Jack fights with Bierko and Bierko’s redshirt. He loses his gun but uses the redshirt’s gun to shoot Bierko. He gets steam to shoot out of a pipe on the wall and pushes redshirt’s face into the steam so he can be free to fight Bierko. Jack jumps up and hangs from a pipe on the ceiling. He gets Bierko’s head between his knees, swings there for a while, and then snaps Bierko’s neck with his knees.
Robocop disarms the missiles just in time, and Mr. F tells Chloe to call off the fighter planes that wouldn’t have gotten there on time anyway.
When Jack gets back to the control room, Robocop is shockingly not there. What? I know, crazy. Jack tells Chloe to take him off comms because he’s getting feedback and wants to do some off-the-record stuff. He gets to the outside deck, and Robocop comes up behind him and tells him to drop his gun. Robocop says he knows Jack wasn’t going to let him go, and Jack brings up the fact that Robocop killed David Palmer. Robocop pulls the trigger of the gun from Jack’s purse, and it is remarkably empty. Robocop says, “Funny, I checked the chamber earlier on my gun, but I got one from the JackAttackSack and just trusted it. That’s not stupid at all.” Robocop checks the magazine, finally, and sees that there are in fact no bullets in that pistol. Snap! Jack says, “You killed Palmer, Tony, and Michelle, and we can’t find Wayne Palmer! You’re a bad man!” Jack kills Robocop, and Leatherman comes out and sees Jack and looks very frightened.
Navy people show up, and Jack says thanks for the car. He tells Bill and Mr. F that he’s coming back to CTU and asks for Chloe. Jack tells Chloe that he’s going to get President Estro himself. Chloe grimaces but then says, ok, fine, anything for you, my love.
Back at the Estrogen Ranch, Estro is happy to learn that the crisis is over. He gets all creepy and thanks Mike. “For everything.” This super-creepy moment lasts an eternity, and I’m very uncomfortable. So is Mike. Estro says he wants to be at the airport when David’s body is shipped back to Washington so he can make a speech that’s all about him. Mike leaves.
Marty finds Mike and tells him she knows he’s suspicious about the day’s goings-on. She begs him to come somewhere secret with her, and he asks, “Martha, are you….” and she says she’s actually sober and sane.
Estro gets on the phone with Halliburton and tells them that Robocop is dead and that Jack Bauer will be taken care of.
At the stables, Marty and Aaron tell Mike about Estro’s role in the terrorist activities. Mike has a hard time believing it but automatically assumes that Estro suicided Walt Cummings. Aaron tells Mike that Jack had a recording that implicated the president, and that’s why Estro was so insistent on shooting down the diplomatic plane before Mike talked him out of it. Mike wants to kick things when he learns that the recording was destroyed. He says he’ll drive Aaron out through the west gate, because “I know a guy”, and Aaron and Marty have a tearful goodbye during which Aaron says they shouldn’t have contact to keep themselves safe(r).
After the break, Mike and Aaron dump the body of the secret service agent in tall grass, and Jack calls Mike because he can’t get ahold of Aaron. They talk on speaker phone, and Jack says he’s gonna get a confession from Estro himself. Whee! This should be fun! I hope there are beatings involved! Jack will be at the Estrogen Ranch in 20 minutes, and Aaron and Mike have to stall Estro, who’s just about to leave for the airport.
At CTU, Mr. F gets off the phone and tells Bill she’s being transferred to Washington immediately. Bill says they’ll be scape goats, and he imagines he’s next. Mr. F says not if she can help it. Chloe busts in and asks Bill and Mr. F to sign some paperwork and give this guy Morris who used to work there high-level clearance. Bill says, “Morris???” and Chloe says she needs him to try to salvage the recording. Bill asks if he’s even on the government payroll anymore. “No, he’s selling women’s shoes in Beverly Hills.” Bill is pleased and signs off. After Chloe leaves, Bill says that Morris is Chloe’s ex-husband. ??? Chloe put up with a man long enough to marry him?
When Chloe gets downstairs, her ex is flirting with another girl, and he immediately starts charming Chloe. And he is charming, because he has a British accent, and that’s pretty much all it takes. Chloe tasks Morris to work on digital audio transfer, and she needs him to get the transfer rate higher than she can get it.
Back at the ranch, Mike tells Marty that Aaron is safe and that Jack is going to get a confession from Estro. He tells her that she needs to delay Estro. Ew. They’re gonna DO IT.
Jack meets up with Aaron, who tells him that Estro is taking a navy chopper to the airport. Jack wants to ride on the chopper with Estro. Suh-weet!
Marty comes to detain Estro. Ew. She does everything she can to delay him, including apologize for saying he’s a treasonous fartface. She says she loves him and the airport can wait. He says I can’t, she says you’re the president, and he calls to tell people he’ll be delayed 30 seconds or so. She starts to undress him. SarahK starts to barf.
Elsewhere in the compound, Jack and Aaron sneak into the secret service outhouse. They hear that the president is being delayed, and Jack tells Aaron he’ll go as far as he has to for Logan’s confession. Dun-dun-dunnnnnn.
6:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m.
The IT that Marty and Estro DID lasted all of two minutes. Wow, that is impressive in a very bad way. Poor Marty. First she had to DO IT with Estro, and then it didn’t even last long enough for her coffee to brew.
In the secret service building, Jack puts on a helicoptering outfit, and Chloe tells him she and Mike have found a way to get the co-pilot off the chopper. Outside, a secret service agent tells the co-pilot there’s a problem with his paperwork. Mike gets Jack the proper paperwork. When the co-pilot comes back in, Aaron distracts him while Jack suffocates him unconscious.
Jack goes out and shows his credentials to the pilot. He jumps onto the chopper. Estro’s limo pulls up, and Mike quickly tells Marty she doesn’t want to be on the chopper and should make an excuse to stay behind. Marty tells Estro that he should have a presidential moment of getting off the chopper alone and waving at the crowd. Estro loves the idea of looking anything other than gay, so he agrees with Marty.
After the helicopter takes off, Jack points a gun at the pilot and then tasers the two guys sitting in the back next to Estro. The look on Estro’s face when Jack takes off his helmet and shows his face is priceless. A combo of “I’m gonna die” and “Jack’s gonna torture me first”. Jack handcuffs Estro. Eeeee!
Chloe finds a place for Jack to land the chopper where he can interrogate Estrogen. Estro asks Jack what he wants, and Jack scares the pee out of Estro by just staring at him silently. Ooooooooh. I would NOT want the silent Bauer Glower.
Chloe calls the charming Morris and makes sure he knows to give Jack the goods when he arrives at the place where Jack is landing the chopper. When the chopper lands, Jack tasers the pilot so he can have some alone time with Estro.
Jack takes Estro into a warehouse, and Estro tries to bribe him. Jack cuffs Estro to a pole and takes each item out of Estro’s pockets, which Frank says is important. Morris comes in and hands some stuff to Jack and says he should have known that’s who he was helping. He carries the one for no one, “Jack, that’s the president!” Jack tells him to go away, doesn’t even thank him. Bad manners, Jack.
Chloe beeps in and tells Jack that he has less than ten minutes until the president’s people start looking for him, even though no one actually cares about Estro. Chloe reminds him that if he doesn’t get his confession, they’ll all be arrested for treason. “I know, Chloe, why you always frontin’ me?”
Jack sets up a camera phone and tells Estro that Estro’s going to confess. Estro says no I’m not. Jack starts interrogating Estro. Unfortunately, he doesn’t beat the crap out of him. Chloe watches over the video feed as Jack asks Estro about Palmer’s death and giving Sentox gas to the terrorists. Estro acts all innocent, and Jack tells him he’s gonna put a cap in him if he doesn’t confess. Jack also tells Estro that David Palmer had told Jack that Estro was having him killed, and that was the reason Jack had to fake his death. He’s really ticked off because his braindead daughter will never forgive him. He says he’ll shoot Estro. “Right here, right now, you’re gonna face justice!” Owned!
Estro tells Jack that if he kills him, Estro will just be a martyr. Jack can’t kill Estro, and Estro tells Jack that it’s ok. “It’s ok that you can’t kill me, Jack. It’s good. It means you’re human.” SarahK is screaming at the TV. “Kill ‘im, Jack! Claw his eyes out! Fight him TO THE PAIN!”
Estro’s rescue team comes in and arrests Jack. Estro puts everything back in his pockets. Estro tells the secret service that Jack is delusional and he feels sorry for him. Grr.
At the airport, Mike and Marty watch Estro’s chopper land. Mike tells Marty that Jack couldn’t get the confession and is now in custody. Marty isn’t happy. Estro gets off the chopper and looks as presidential as a gay prostitute can look.
David Palmer’s casket is removed from the hearse, and Marty throws a lunatic fit. She starts yelling about Estro being a murderer and that he killed all those people and isn’t fit to be president. Everyone’s like, “That loony first lady, she’s such a gas.” She runs off into a hangar. Estro says he wants to check on her and asks everyone to leave him alone with her.
When Estro gets inside the hangar, he slaps her and checks her for wires. He says, “I can’t believe I believed you were really back on my side. The IT that we DID? You didn’t mean it!” Marty says, “I would have meant it, but I didn’t have time!” Marty starts going on about all the people that he killed today, and he keeps saying he did it for the good of the country. She names all the bad things he did, and he admits it and says it’s all for the country. He tells Marty that if she steps out of line one more time, he’ll fill her with drugs and ship her off to an asylum for the rest of her life.
They walk outside and go to the podium together so Estro can make a self-congratulatory speech. “I’m so great! No one loved David or was a better friend to David more than me! And I’m so awesome and did awesome stuff today! Woo me!”
Meanwhile, at CTU, Chloe is getting the Attorney General on the line. Mr. F and Bill are like, “What? We totally didn’t know about this! We’re sorry she called you!” and Chloe tells them that she had to leave them out of it so they wouldn’t be arrested for treason if it all went wrong. She tells everyone that Jack put a bug on the president, and the Attorney General starts whining about civil liberties and violation of privacy. Chloe plays the conversation between Estro and Marty, and everyone changes their mind and decides it’s good that they violated privacy and all that.
While Estrogen is still on the podium loving himself, the AG calls a Federal Marshall standing by at the ceremony. The only official who can arrest a President. The Marshall’s like, “Are you sure?” but then follows orders. Several agents accompany the Marshall to the podium. Marshall whispers sweet nothings in Estro’s ear, and Estro looks shocked. The Marshall shows Estro the microtransmitter that Jack had placed on the end of Estro’s presidential pen. Marty and Mike stand there looking smug and happy. Marty’s just happy she never has to endure that 30 seconds of IT with him again. Estro is escorted to a limo (what a nice car to be arrested in) during David Palmer’s 21-gun salute.
At the warehouse, Jack is hangin’ out with security peeps when Audrey shows up. SarahK gags ferociously. They kiss for at least as long as Estro lasted in the presidential sack. An agent tells Jack that Kim’s on the phone inside the warehouse. Um, Jack, don’t go in there! Why wouldn’t Chloe have patched Kim through to a cell phone, yours or Audrey’s? Oh no. Jack tells Audrey, “I’ll be right back.” He doesn’t just say it once, he says it twice for extra bad measure. “Jack, don’t go in there! The Chinese are in there!”
Jack picks up the phone inside the building, and there’s no one there. Nah, really? Jack is attacked from behind and knocked out. And he doesn’t have his JackAttackSack, so I don’t know how he’ll get through next season.
Back at CTU, Mr. F tells Bill she thinks Estro will resign and cut a clemency deal so he isn’t Big Bubba’s cell mate in prison. Mr. F tells Bill that she’ll make sure the Veep doesn’t fire Bill when he’s sworn in as new president. They have a moment. She apologizes for being a big doody head earlier on, and he asks her to breakfast. She disses him with a lame excuse about having to go to division for debriefing. But she does ask for a rain check. Since it’s not actually raining, I think she’s just saying that to get out of the moment.
Bill tells Chloe she did good and hands her something found in Edgar’s possessions. It’s a picture of the two of them together. Chloe starts to cry, and Morris walks up to console her. He asks if she wants to talk about it, and they walk off together. I hope he’s a new character next season.
Audrey goes looking for Jack in the warehouse. When she sees the phone is off the hook, she freaks out and runs outside screaming. “Jack said he’d be right back! He’s gone! He’s so stupid to say he’d be right back! What a moron! Didn’t he see Scream?”
Jack is beaten and bloody when the Chinese guys throw Jack into a dark room. Cheng, the guy that wanted Jack’s head on a platter last season, tells Jack that China has a long memory. Jack asks if he can make one phone call and then asks the Chinese guys to kill him. Cheng says he’s too valuable to kill.
Turns out, Jack is on a Chinese freighter already, 12 minutes after being kidnapped in the warehouse. Good thing there was martial law to give them great traffic on their way to the ocean. The freighter says Shanghai. Beep-boop, all that. I guess we’re going to Shanghai. Maybe.
It’s been fun, let’s do it again in January.