I went to see Dr. Wonderful (the neuro) today for a checkup. He asked if I’m fat. Yes, thank you, I am, let’s move on and talk about the migraines, the seizures, the full-body muscle aches, the fatigue, the nosebleeds, the intestinal troubles, the meds, the vitamins, and the gluten challenge that plagues my health. Must we focus on the fat?

Actually, it was nicer than that. He didn’t say, “Hello, SarahK. You’re fat, yes?” I mean, he is a man, so it could have gone like that, because men are dumb and say incredibly stupid things when it comes to women’s bodies, but I should give him credit. It was more like this…

DR. WONDERFUL [looking fully disappointed, because see, I promised him I’d never touch that evil protein ever again, my hand to the skies]: So you’re eating gluten again, huh?
SARAHK [talking quickly in explanation like I tend to when I’m nervous]: Yes, but it’s only until June 15th. June 15th I’m having the endoscopy and biopsy to confirm the celiac disease. And if I’m not on gluten, I could get a false negative, and I really want a confirmed diagnosis yes or no, and even if the diagnosis is negative, I am never touching that evil stuff again after the 15th. But I only want a no if it’s a real no, not a no because I’m not eating gluten. That’s why I’m stuffing my face with it. And I mean, really, it’s all gluten, all the time, 24/7. I can’t wait to stop eating it. I hate it. [I hate that garlic na’an I ate last night with such delightful passion!]
DR. WONDERFUL [who has been nodding and trying to talk during my spiel]: So how long have you been back on the gluten diet?

I love the fact that he calls it a gluten “diet.”

SARAHK: Since March 15th.
DR. WONDERFUL [motioning at my body and face, especially my face]: I see you’ve gained back the weight you had lost, yes?

Make that Dr. Wonderfully MEAN! Just too mean!

SARAHK: Oh yeah.

So we moved on, and I told him how terrible I feel all the time. He was surprised about Excedrin Migraine giving me seizures. He’s never heard that one before. I think I’m a mystery to him. Yes, welcome to Frank’s world.

I told him that we’re moving, and he said, “Yes, to Texas?” Do you google yourself? I didn’t ask, but I thought it. I have named him here before. Anyway, I didn’t set up a followup, but I’m going to make an appointment after my biopsy, after I’m off gluten, to let him know how I’m feeling, what’s going on with my body, and we’ll figure out my med adjustments. When I was off gluten, I had no need for the Lyrica (nerve pain), and I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to wean off the Topamax pretty quickly after the 15th. Keppra will be my friend for a while, I’m sure.

So. Shift gears. I got home, and I had an email from Serenity that included (I hope she doesn’t mind my disclosing private emails) sentiments that she can’t wait until I’m off the gluten and able to prove to the docs (the ones like Dr. Arrogant and Dr. Ego) that I’ve been right so they can eat crow. Amen, sista. The last two days with all of this muscle pain, I seriously started counting down the days until I can ditch the poison forever.

After I read Serenity’s email, I had another from wRitErsbLock. I know she won’t mind, because she devoted a whole post to making sure I knew about someone who was on Orlando radio this morning promoting a cookbook and talking about celiac disease.

It really makes me feel good to know that when some people hear celiac or gluten, they think SarahK. I’m not joking. I think that’s really cool. It means there are a few people I’ve educated. I want to do that so much. Educate people about this disease.

And then I clicked over to Gluten-Free Girl, because I haven’t been there in a couple of weeks, and due to the challenge of gluten and the gluten challenge, I couldn’t remember when her book comes out and thought maybe she was already on her book tour and possibly the woman from the radio. (It wasn’t her, it was someone named Joy Bauer whose book is called Food Cures–there’s only one chapter on celiac.) Anyway, I found this post. Yes! This is what I want to say. She says it better, and in a not so beating-you-over-the- head-with-it kind of way. Go read it. And the quiz that she links to at the end? Check it out. Frank and I both took it: he is at medium risk (8 points), I am at high risk (18 points). Oh, and I was telling a friend of mine about it, and I asked if she wanted to take a super-fun quiz. She scored a 27! She did not enjoy the quiz as much as I did. I told her she needs to be gluten-free, and she was like, yeah, I know. In that you’ve-told-me- a-billion-gazillion-times tone of voice. This is why you should read the article. Shauna articulates everything I want to say… much better, much nicer, much softer.

One more thing. When I was talking to my friend, I was telling her that I miss the new lifestyle I had and the way I felt when I was gluten-free so much more than I missed the foods I couldn’t have when I was gluten-free. I can’t wait to trade the foods for my health.

Sixteen days.