Monday I was talking to my dad, and I said, “Hey, Frank’s favorite columnist, Jonah Goldberg, quoted Frank a lot in his syndicated column this week. It was cool, and Frank was excited about it. It was about Fred Thompson.” I gave him a few more details. Spidade, aka Spizzle Dizzle, was only half-listening to me, because he was at a convenience store, and… well, lemme just play back the conversation for you.
SARAHK: Hey, Frank’s favorite columnist, Jonah Goldberg, quoted Frank a lot in his syndicated column this week. It was cool, and Frank was excited about it. It was about Fred Thompson.
SPIDADE: Oh yeah? That’s great. Hey, um, I’m sitting here in a convenience store parking lot [I guess he does his daily reading there?], and there’s this woman, and she is uh-reee-uhlly skanky.
SARAHK: She’s a prostitute.
SPIDADE: Well, I don’t know about that. But she’s uh-reee-uhlly skanky, and oh no, she’s walking over to my truck.
SARAHK: She wants to offer you her services.
SPIDADE [laughing]: Well, the answer is no!
SARAHK: Or maybe she wants to purchase yours.
SPIDADE [laughing]: Well, the answer there is definitely no. I don’t offer services.
SARAHK: I don’t know. You did tell me you have a goatee now.
SPIDADE [laughing]: Yes, and I look good. But she is most definitely skanky. And now I don’t know how I can get inside the store without having to talk to her.
SARAHK [I suppose I could have told him the obvious solution--be on the phone with your daughter when you walk by her, and motion to her that, hey, sorry, I'm on the phone, but what's the fun in that? Or optionally, bug spray.]: What’s she doing?
SPIDADE: Just standing at my window. I think she’s gonna ask me for money when I get out of the truck.
SARAHK: No she’s not, dad. She’s totally a whore. She wants to make a transaction.
SPIDADE: Oh brother. Well, I’m gonna have to go, because someone else is calling.
SARAHK: Good luck. Stay strong.
Or something like that. Oh, and earlier on, we had talked politics and how we’re both voting for Fred Thompson, so he’d better run, or we’re gonna never get over it!
So yesterday, Spidade called me. Now, I already knew that IMAO had been getting some traffic yesterday from newspapers that ran Jonah Goldberg’s column, so when he mentioned Jonah Goldberg, I knew why he was calling.
SPIDADE: Hey, do you know who Jonah Goldberg is? He’s a conservative columnist?
SARAHK: Yeah, that’s the columnist I was telling you about yesterday who quoted Frank in his column this week.
SPIDADE: Oh yeah? Hey, he has a column in the [Fort Worth] Star-Telegram…
SARAHK: Oh, he does? Do you see Frank’s quotes in there?
SPIDADE: I haven’t read the whole thing yet. I wanted to read you something from it.
SARAHK: Is it about Fred Thompson?
SPIDADE: Yeah. And about Osama bin Laden?
SARAHK: Uh huh. Dad, he’s quoting Frank.
SPIDADE: Oh, really?
SARAHK: Yes. Do you remember yesterday when I told you that Frank’s favorite columnist quoted him in his column this week?
SPIDADE: Oh yeah. Well I haven’t gotten past those little square things yet. What are those little square things called? [This from the man who can do the Sunday NYT crossword puzzle, ok?]
SARAHK: Bullet points.
SPIDADE: Yeah. I haven’t gotten past the bullet points yet.
SARAHK: Yeah, the bullet points? Frank wrote those.
SPIDADE: Oh, he did? My favorite one is about how Fred Thompson left the Senate in 2003 and Harry Reid hasn’t stopped wetting his pants.
SARAHK: Yeah, that one’s funny. I like the one where Fred Thompson stood on the southern border and glared at Mexico, and there was no illegal immigration for a month. He has a whole category of these on his blog and posts a new one every day. Say, do you see where it says IMAO down there below the bullet points?
SPIDADE: Yep, yep.
SARAHK: Yeah, that’s your son-in-law. Maybe you’ve heard of him? Frank J.?
SPIDADE: Oh yeah! He sounds familiar. Well, I hadn’t gotten that far yet. I just thought these were really funny, and I knew you would like them. And actually, when I saw “IMAO”, I thought it said “LMAO”, as in “laughing my pinkytoe off.” [He really said pinkytoe. He's down with the freaky-cool mountaineer musings lingo, yo. Haha.]
SARAHK: Dad, I told you about this yesterday. You don’t remember that conversation?
SPIDADE: Yeah, it sounds familiar.
SARAHK: Hey monkeyface. My dad is calling to read to me from Jonah Goldberg’s article in the Star-Telegram today. He’s reading me these really funny facts about Fred Thompson. He didn’t even know he was quoting you to me.
Frank thought that was hilarious. He’s been telling all his friends.
So y’all see where I get it. My own dad was calling to quote my husband to me from a newspaper article, when I’d told him about this the day before.
Oh, and Spizzle Dizzle called a few minutes ago.
SARAHK: Oh, hey. I’m blogging about how you called and quoted Frank to me yesterday.
SPIDADE: Oh, you are, are you?
SARAHK: Yeah. But you know what? I remembered why you didn’t remember my telling you about it.
SPIDADE: Why’s that?
SARAHK: Because when I was telling you, you had the hooker standing outside your truck waiting to solicit you, and you were trying to figure out an escape route.
SPIDADE: Oh yeah! That’s right. Well, I’ll tell you what. [He is a Texan, yes?] I stayed on the phone with you long enough that she finally gave up and walked away.
SARAHK: Oh good. I should have suggested it. [But what fun would that be?]
SPIDADE: You can be proud of yourself that you kept me on the phone long enough that she finally gave up on me.
SARAHK: I am, kinda. Hey, was she wearing legwarmers?
SARAHK: Was she wearing legwarmers? Just wondering. When I picture skanky hookers, they’re always wearing legwarmers and purple leotards and miniskirts.
SPIDADE: I… tried not to notice.
He’s no fun!