Frank has just put Minerva into a decorative trunk and is trying to add Omen.

SARAHK: NO! Put her down. Oh! And get Minerva out of there! BAD!
FRANK J.: Minerva likes it in there.
SARAHK: Get her out.
FRANK J.: No. You can’t tell me what to do.
SARAHK [narrowing my eyes]: I’ll spit in your peanuts again. So there. Get her out.

Why yes, peeps, I *did* spit in his peanuts. Why, you ask? For my own sanity.

See, he spilled some of his honey roasted peanuts all over the couch and floor earlier. He started picking them up while I focused on not letting the dog eat the peanuts. After a while, I realized that he was putting the peanuts back into the can.

SARAHK: Why are you wasting a whole can of peanuts?
FRANK J.: I’m not. I’m picking them up and putting them back in!
SARAHK: No, you’re ruining what was left in the can!
FRANK J.: No I’m not.
SARAHK: Yes you are. Now you can’t eat any of them!
FRANK J.: Yes I can. I’m going to eat them.

I actually felt one of my eyeballs start to detach from the optic nerve at this point.

SARAHK: You are NOT going to eat them!
FRANK J. [picking peanuts up off the floor, NOT wiping them off, and popping them into his mouth]: Uh huh. See? I’m eating them.
SARAHK: You are so gross! Stop it! [Getting up and trying but failing to take the can of peanuts from him]
FRANK J.: No. There’s nothing wrong with them.
SARAHK: Throw them away. Now.
FRANK J.: No! I’m not going to waste them!
SARAHK: You already did waste them! You picked them up off the floor, which is FULL of dog hair, and just threw them in with the clean peanuts! You canNOT eat those!
FRANK J.: I’m eating them. And you can’t stop me.

So I walked over to the can of peanuts and spit right in it.

SARAHK: There. Case closed.
FRANK J.: You’re so mean! I’m hungry! You ruined my peanuts!
SARAHK: No, YOU ruined your peanuts. You have another giant can in the kitchen. Eat those. They haven’t been on the floor, which is full of hair and dust mites and all sorts of disgusting things.
FRANK J.: No, I’m not going to eat the ones in the kitchen. Those are for the trip. I’m not going to waste them.
SARAHK: It’s not wasting them if you’re hungry and you eat them. It’s eating them.
FRANK J.: No, because then I’ll run out on the trip.
SARAHK: Well, we might be able to find a Wal-Mart somewhere along the way and buy you another four dollar can of peanuts.

Just now, I told him that I was blogging about the peanuts.

FRANK J.: That was mean. I can’t believe you ruined my peanuts.
SARAHK: I did not ruin your peanuts.
FRANK J.: You didn’t even try to stop me from putting them back in the can. So when I started, I was watching you to see if you were going to stop me, and you didn’t so I was like, okay.
SARAHK: I was busy keeping the dog from eating the peanuts. All I had to say to her was “Shhhhtt!” and she understood. So the dog understands better than you do that it’s not okay to eat peanuts off the floor.
FRANK J.: Oh, sure. You care more about the dog than you do about me.
SARAHK: Well, she listens to me sometimes.

Ay. I don’t ask for much. I just ask that my husband not eat off the floor.

10 Responses to peanuts

  1. He was waiting to see if you would stop him? He was acting like Rowdi :D
    You are the pack leader!

  2. 1. A scientific study by a WOMAN (I wish I could find it) proved the 10 second rule. Most households are clean enough that food doesn’t pick up harmful bacteria unless left for prolonged periods.

    2. Before you can be upset about the possibility of dog hair then you have to prove you never put your lips, even closed, on Rowdi’s fur.

    3. Why is it when a woman saves a horrible leftover it is “saving money” but when a man rescues a treat it is “disgusting”?

    Why didn’t you want Rowdi eating them? Pati was better than a vacuum cleaner at finding bits of food.

  3. Laura, I know, right? Haha.

    Jim, 1) Mythbusters did it and showed that even the five second rule attracts a huge amount of bacteria. 2) I don’t EAT Rowdi’s fur.

    It wasn’t that I didn’t want Rowdi eating them. It’s that she had just had a significant amount of peanut butter (which makes her throw up in her mouth), and whether I would have let her have the peanuts or not, she’s not allowed to touch any food until we tell her she can have it. I dropped a piece of apple in the kitchen earlier, and she just looked at it, then sat quietly and looked at me. So I let her have it. With the peanuts, she never stopped and looked away from the peanuts, so she couldn’t have them.

  4. It will not hurt Frank to eat off the floor. I know it is disgusting, just look the other way or leave the room.

    I understand completely about Rowdi. Good training!

    I think we worry too much about germs. We spend so much time avoiding the least contact that we do not develop our immunities to fight off the simplest bacteria. A few germs should give our immune system the exercise to prepare for bigger germs or viruses.

    BYW, glad to see you found that gluten was causing your migranes. (Hope I got that right.)

  5. Fred the Fourth

    As Dave Barry would say, I am not making this up…

    While I was reading comment #3, the big bag of Cajun Trail nuts I was nibbling from fell off the desk onto the carpeted floor. A small handful went onto the carpet. I promptly swept them into my hand and scarfed them down.

    In answer to questions from the audience:

    A1: Why yes, I *am* a male human. What was your first clue?

    A2: We have not had furry pets for several years, and I just vacuumed the carpet yesterday.

    A3: No, my wife is not in the room, and does not read this blog.

    A4: Cajun pepper/chili spice mix is a fine antiseptic agent, so no worries there.

  6. Jerry, I would let Frank eat off the ground in the Grand Canyon. I ingest lots of bacteria on purpose with every meal. I believe you have to get dirty often to stay healthy. Our children will play in, and most likely eat, dirt. So it’s not about germs. I’m totally fine with him getting germy, because it is good for you. Antibacterial soap is bad (though antibacterial hand gel is handy to have on a hike if there are no faucets present after a poo).

    All that said, bacteria is one thing. Dust mites and dog hair and dander are quite another. Dust mites cause allergic reactions. Bacteria can make you sick, but you’re usually stronger afterward, and after an allergic reaction to something, the next reaction to the same allergen is generally worse.

    Fred, shame on you! But it’s not as bad without the pet hair and with the freshly vacuumed floor.

  7. Frank hasn’t thrown the peanuts away, has he? They’re still good!!! For him, anyway.

    I’m thinking that it’s pretty safe to assume you guys have kissed, so spitting in his peanuts can’t hurt anything.

    Unless you hocked a big ol’ loogie in there. That’d be just plain gross. And mean.

  8. I can’t speak to the theology of it, but did you at least let him “kiss it up to God”?

  9. you’re mean. men should always eat off the floor. like cavemen. makes them more macho. and it makes them vomit. which they deserve for eating off the floor. poor frank. you can eat off our floor frank. we have mice and crickets but no dog hair.

  10. mmmh, Floor-peanuts….