solicitors will be fed to angry dog

And by angry dog, I mean the woman of the house.

We have had so many solicitors come to the door since we moved in! In Florida, we would get about one every few months, but here they seem to come every other day, and that is not an exaggeration. We’ve had the Schwann’s guy, the guy who sells steaks, the other guy who sells steaks, the farmer behind us who wants to sell us a cow, the kid who wants to shovel our driveway for two bucks (we said yes to that little capitalist-in-the-making), the Avon lady, the door-to-door perms lady, a few used car salesmen, and today, a man came buy and offered to give Frank a box of Jell-O if he could just come in and demonstrate some contraption he had. Frank told him we didn’t have the time or the money (box of Jell-O aside). Ack! How do SAHMs get any lunches prepared, babies fed, naps done, and all that when the food and snake oil people are ringing the doorbell all day long? And homeschooling moms, how do they fit in school? Dude.

The second steak salesman came a couple of days ago and almost got an earful of SarahK. Rowdi was barking when the doorbell rang, because, let’s see… she’s a dog. We’re still training her on that one. Anyway, she was barking and howling, so I held her by the collar so she wouldn’t run out the door — she was clearly in her “I’ve forgotten how to be good” frame of mind and would have bolted past steak man and given the neighborhood smells a good sniffing. Mr. Filet Mignon said, “Oh, sorry to bother you. I didn’t realize you had a killer in there.” Somebody’s hackles went straight up, and they weren’t Rowdi’s. I couldn’t even see the idiot, whose own dog probably barks at the doorbell too, and I yelled from the bottom of the stairs in my say-it-to-my-face voice, “SHE’S NOT A KILLER!” The door was not open for that guy very long.

I don’t know if it was the gated community thing in Florida or what. But I’m seriously considering putting up a sign. “Solicitors will be fed to vicious woman of the house.”

12 Responses to solicitors will be fed to angry dog

  1. Rofl. It’s all about teaching the kids to hit the deck if anyone approaches the door with ‘contraption’ in hand.

  2. for forever our neighborhood has been a “solicitors paradise” however i finally got fed up with doorbells going off at nap time, feeling like i have to invite strangers in to harrass me about my religion because its below zero outside and the kids are yelling “but we’re freezing” so i made up a sign and stuck it on the door about 2 weeks ago. some Mormons did come by the other night but the porch light is burned out and they only wanted to shovel or something. other than that its worked quite nicely :)

  3. have you considered answering with Mr. Shiney in hand? You might get the reputation as the house to avoid!

  4. My family doctor who was my doctor for the first 30 years of my life and a member of the NRA, used to have a sign on the back door of the office, that was a picture of a snub nosed .38, that you are looking down the barrel of and the words “We shoot every third sales man, and the first two just left..”
    I suggest that you and Frank take one of your pictures of you holding a gun and put those words over it, the tape it on the front door. Maybe with “No Soliciting” under the cute little slogan, for the slower ones in the bunch.

  5. A friend of mine has posted on her door: “We neither purchase anything nor change religion at the door.”

    A little nicer than the gun sign, but if I had an at-home perm lady coming to my door I might just consider brandishing a weapon.

  6. you could try signs like the bachelor uncles had up in Secondhand Lions – that might do the trick

  7. I love it.

    We don’t get any but religious solicitors, and we have considered getting a saint or two to display on the porch. I know, I know, Orthodox folks do pictures rather than statues, but I notice the Catholic families don’t usually get their doorbells rung……

  8. When I was kid, we used to get flooded by salesmen selling encyclopedias. They would target us because of the kids’ toys in the yard. My dad had the best comeback ever when one of themsaid something stupid.

    One of the salesmen came to the house and was trying to convince him that he should buy the encyclopedias. He was being quite obnoxious about it. At one point, he said “Do you want your kids to grow up and be garbagemen?” To which my dad answered, “What’s wrong with that? I’m a garbageman? (he was a financial analyst) The salesman began to sputter and spit and he turned and left.

  9. a little sign with Rowdi’s picture that says “my dog’s a killer” should do the trick. just sayin.

  10. I’m a SAHM and boy do they bug me. I managed to run off the cleaning supply guys by politely explaining to them they were never going to convince a housewife to spend 30 dollars a bottle on cleaner that’s not as good as a good ole bottle of vinegar (nor were they going to win the argument about their cleaner being better). Now I *DO* have a “No solicitors” sign on my door, so that works. Also, I have a “killer” of my own…a 4 year old who makes huge messes, talks a lot and is generally…well a boy. If they’re brave enough to come to the door, they usually leave at the site of Nathan runnin around operating at top volume :)

  11. Don’t think I’ve seen a door-to-door salesman in over 15 years. But I’m a city boy living in high rises that ban such things.

  12. If you’re in a new subdivision you’ll get more solicitors. Make a cute little no soliciting sign and if that doesn’t work set your sprinkler up to hit the porch and sneak around back and turn it on. I bet they leave quickly.