Fish in a Barrel – A Letter from the RNC

In case you didn’t see it on IMAO, where I posted this yesterday:

Frank received a letter from the RNC yesterday. Simply seeing a letter from those clueless losers makes me collapse in fits of giggles, because I know they’re going to ask for money, and the answer is always a resounding “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Anyway, y’all know where this is going, so I’ll just get started.

First, the date:

Wednesday Morning

Hey, that’s *today’s* date (well, it was this morning)! Seriously, what kind of date is “Wednesday Morning”? We get those roughly fifty-two times a year. I’m starting to think they recycle these letters. Dear Mr. J, blah blah blah, ah.

I don’t want to believe you’ve abandoned the Republican Party

I don’t want to believe the Republican Party’s abandoned me either, but I also didn’t want to believe that they killed off Captain America or that Buffy broke up with Spike. Lousy do-gooder.

but I have to ask… Have you given up?

Um, duh? Has any conservative not given up?

Our records show we have not yet received your Republican National Committee membership renewal for the critical 2008 presidential election year.

Presumptive much? Your records should also show you have not yet received our Republican National Committee membership renewal since about 2004, when the Republicans started acting like they didn’t win that election and started being like Democrats with the spending and the hating conservatives.

As the Treasurer of the RNC, I know our Party’s success depends directly on grassroots leaders like you.

What? The Treasurer wrote this letter? Why don’t you just get the RNC Historian to write to us so we know just how important we are?

So I am surprised and concerned especially because I know how generously you supported President Bush and the RNC in the past.

And after that generous support, imagine our surprise when President Bush and the RNC started screwing us every chance they got! (Except lately, with the oil thing, but he should have done that ages ago.)

You helped to advance our vision for America and elect Republicans at all levels of government.

Hey, we accept no credit/blame for anyone but the conservative one. Or two. There are two, right? Please tell me there are two.

Mr. J, I know other things come up, and perhaps you’ve just been delayed in renewing your membership. If that’s the case, I understand.

I hope you also understand that we hate you and would moon you from the back seat if we passed you on the highway.

But we’ve not heard from you this year — and I hope you haven’t deserted our Party.

Party with a capital P. They’re important.

Your generous financial assistance and active involvement are more important than ever as we work to elect a new Republican president and Congress.

But we asked for a conservative president and Congress, not Republican ones. Sorry to nitpick.

There is so much at stake. The Democrats are determined to put a liberal like Barack Obama in the White House,

The Republicans are determined to put a liberal like John McCain in the White House, so your argument would have gone better if you’d called Obama a socialist.

expand their narrow majorities in the U.S. House and Senate, and push our country to the Left [again with the capitals?] with their agenda of high taxes, big government and weakened national security.

Big government and weakened national security. That reminds me of this one time when the president passed every bill the big government Democrats put in front of him and this other time when John McCain decided that sovereign borders have nothing to do with national security. Good times.

Big Labor [dude, relax with the ShifT KEy], radical liberal protest groups and Hollywood elites are planning to spend more than $500 million to defeat Republicans and aid the Democrat power grab.

Oh no! Not the protesters and the actors! The unions do scare me a little, so I won’t scoff at them.

Mr. J, the RNC relies on the voluntary support of Republican activists like you.

Frank’s an activist? Anyway, you can rely on our voluntary support when you stop being voluntary tools. Begging for money, turn the letter over (it’s a two-pager!)… Blah blah blah…

The RNC is also the ONLY Republican organization permitted by federal law to directly support our presidential nominee.

You’re proud of this, yes? Proud of the fact that there are laws in place that say who can support nominees and how much they can spend? Oh yes. Your candidate is into that.

If we fail to hold the White House and make gains in Congress, the Democrats have made clear they will overturn every reform you helped President Bush achieve.

If you fail to hold the White House against a breezy empty suit and fail to make gains in a Congress that has a 13% approval rating, then you have only yourselves to blame. And Ron Paul. It’s fun to blame him for stuff, because he’s crazy. Say, do you think the Democrats will also overturn McCain-Feingold, even though I didn’t help President Bush achieve that one?

Democrat presidential candidates and the Reid/Pelosi-run-Congress

Ok, see… you’re reminding me how you failed so HARD in 2006 that these two are in charge of the legislature.

have promised to blah blah blah…

We cannot allow them to succeed!

Cannot? Or must not/should not? Because I’m pretty sure you can. I believe in you.

That’s why your renewed commitment is so important.

You first, dude.

So if you have delayed in renewing your membership because you feel the RNC has let you down, or no longer needs you, please let me know. I want to hear from you.

You do NOT want to hear from me. I promise.

Just include your comments and suggestions with the enclosed Membership Confirmation

LOL. Really? Is the postage prepaid, because the envelope could get pretty heavy.

and return them with your 2008 membership renewal check.

Darnit. Blah blah blah, thank you, signed Mr. Treasurer of the Party.

12 Responses to Fish in a Barrel – A Letter from the RNC

  1. Yup. That pretty well sums it up.

    Still, if the RNC could persuade me that my funds would go toward negotiating a film deal with Whedon where Buffy and Spike get together and Angel breaks his leg slipping on his nancy-boy hair gel, I’d write them a check.

    Might not be the biggest issue we face as a nation, but could we find out if McCain leans toward Buffy-Spike or Buffy-Angel?

  2. McCain is still better than the pseudo messiah Obama. and i gotta vote because i can’t bear the thought of having to look at Michael Moore and moveon.org as some sort of government entities.

  3. I hope you also understand that we hate you and would moon you from the back seat if we passed you on the highway.

    Too funny. Maybe we could all pitch in and rent a bus so we could ALL moon them.

  4. I must admit that I am with bikermommy. Giving the Dems unfettered control of the USG is a very bad idea.

  5. I’ll pull his lever; I may even slip him a few bucks… but the main party? With Ted Stevens joining the ranks of Repubs Gone Wild, and the fiscal irresponsibility, and the hurting with the FLAAAVIN… no, the RNC is not getting dime one from us.

  6. Sharky, Angel’s hair goes straight up, and he’s bloody stupid! Actually, I love him, but I love Spike more, and I, too, would pay the RNC if it would go toward this very good cause. And I would like to know McCain’s thoughts on Buffy-Spike v. Buffy-Angel.

    bm (haha, I just called my mom a bm) and Walter, don’t worry, I’m voting for McCain too. But I don’t have to like it.

    Houston, great idea!

    nightfly, I’m right with you.

  7. Wow, I can’t believe you got one too! I knew I wasn’t special!
    Fred Thompson must have sold his mailing list, is all I can figure. I have never been a member of the RNC, so I can only guess it was where I gave a big $25 to Fred.
    Yes, I would moon them from the back seat too!!
    That is comedy gold right there!!!

  8. Yeah, Fred gave up our names.

    RNC – aren’t they the group that fired all of their telephone solicitors because they weren’t bringing in enough money?

    These people really do have it backwards.

    Great fisk, btw.

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