Can’t stop the obsession, Mal: Edward v. Jacob — It’s ON.
I hope I’m able to put down The Saga after my second read-through (likelihood: negligible). I don’t need to mention *which* saga, of course. You know the one. Here’s how it goes:
I read when I get up in the morning. I read from 1:30-2:00 (I get home at 1:30 and have to start working again at 2:00) while eating my lunch. I read when I get off work. I read while I’m cooking dinner, between the doing of actual, you know, wifely things in the kitchen. I read when dinner is ready and I’m waiting on Frank. I read when Frank pauses the DVR to go to the bathroom. I read between episodes of Bones. I read at bedtime.
Rinse, repeat.
I got Stephenie Meyer’s other book today, The Host. Romance with aliens or something, and Megan promises it’s almost as good as The Saga. I’m trying to decide: read the new book or New Moon? New Moon is my least favorite, but I still love it (especially the end, my word, the END! Just inject the end of that book into my veins NOW! I need it! It’s my brand of heroin!). Totally torn. But leaning toward the KNOWN satisfaction, rather than the unknown.
I frown. The phone keeps ringing, and it’s always telemarketers, interrupting my thoughts about The Saga. Next time I’ll grimace. Or maybe hiss.
I think the only way to break the cycle is going to be my picking up that *other* all-consuming saga… but that may be too bleak for winter.
But anyway. Let’s proceed. I want to talk about Twilight. Specifically, Edward v. Jacob. This could go on for a few posts, so let me start with the basics.
SPOILER ALERT! TURN BACK NOW IF THERE’S ANY CHANCE YOU WILL READ THE SAGA!
*Edward=Vampire. Jacob=Werewolf/Shape-Shifter. Edward has no weaknesses outside of Bella, vampire teeth, werewolf teeth, and fire. Jacob’s weaknesses? Vampire teeth, werewolf teeth, jealousy, envy, fleas, ticks, and vampuman infants. Winner: Edward.
*Let’s stick with the species thing for a bit. Edward=Vampire. Jacob=Werewolf/SS. Edward’s plusses include superhuman speed, strength, beauty, grace, and senses, near indestructibility, ability to hear crickets whisper, mind reading, impossible self-control, world-class smoldering talents, a wicked snarl, topaz eyes, and a fierce sense of self- and Bella-preservation. Jacob’s plusses include the speed thing, strength, good hearing, motorcycle repairs, putting Bella in even worse danger than that in which she puts herself, sharp claws, intensified happiness, ability to embiggen himself, mind sharing (but only with his own pack), extreme obnoxiousness, and sitting on driftwood. Winner: Edward.
*Edward=Vampire. Jacob=Werewolf/SS. Edward needs to eat once every couple of weeks, sooner if he might be making out with Bella. If Jacob doesn’t devour an entire chicken coop full of eggs every hour, he dies. Edward devours live, active food (probiotics!), and Jacob usually waits for some chick to cook for him. I mean, he *can* eat the other way, but he clearly prefers the easier human food. Winner: Edward.
*Edward=Vampire. Jacob=Werewolf/SS. In this world, Edward is shiny. (Frank says, “That’s gay,” to which I respond, “YOU’RE gay!”) Jacob is furry. Winner: Edward.
*Edward=Vampire. Jacob=Werewolf/SS. Edward has had a century to become accomplished in music and well-studied in all subject matters, from science to language (I/me confusion in Breaking Dawn notwithstanding) to relationships to smoldering to seduction. Jacob has had fifteen to seventeen years (depending on where we are in the story) to learn how to fix cars and annoy the crap out of Edward and me. Bah! Edward can buy his own cars (and everyone else’s) and does not annoy me in the slightest. Winner: Edward.
*Edward=Vampire. Jacob=Werewolf/SS. Edward can singlehandedly break a fever, provide air conditioning in tropical climes, and solidify Jell-O in under a minute. Jacob can warm you up in a nasty snowstorm, boil water for your afternoon tea, and heat your jacuzzi quickly. Meh, that one’s a tie.
I don’t see why there is even a conflict here — I mean, Edward is the perfect man, and Jacob is a pipsqueak puppy. It’s not even a competition! However, in the interest of convincing any of you who may still think Jacob is the poo, I will continue to give you a big whiff of Edward’s superiority in upcoming posts.
You are welcome.
Love it!
more please.
January 9th, 2009 at 7:01 amHAhahahaha! Nice to see an even-handed take on the Edward/Jacob question.
There were MANY times when Edward bugged the hooey out of me. He was kind of a jerk on the honeymoon, in my opinion. But Jacob bugged me frequently, too. Edward would definitely cut down on one’s grocery costs. Something to consider in this economy.
I am gobsmacked that you have not compared their respective kissing prowesses. “Prowesses”? “Prowi”? You know what I mean. I mean, can’t one argue that Bella realized she was in love with Jacob too in the middle of one “hungry,” “growling,” “gasping” kiss? That’s some kiss, no? He needs SOME credit.
Edward wins for me in the end, but I must give Jacob his due. He’s persistent. Knows what he wants and GOES for it, even though he loses.
January 9th, 2009 at 3:50 pmMy wife and daughter saw the movie and ordered the book . i asked my son if he wanted to go to the show to see twilight and he took Franks position. He replied “No Dad thats a chick flick”
January 10th, 2009 at 11:10 pmHave you read Pratchett’s book “The Fifth Elephant”?
It has an extremely funny version of the werewolf myth.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fifth_Elephant
In the Discword, neither the vampires nor the werewolves would tend to make great significant others — which Angua knows all too well as she seeks to overcome.
January 25th, 2009 at 4:38 pm