Frank is definitely hetero

Ryan Seacrest posted a list of 15 signs your husband may be gay, and I was LOLing throughout most of the list. Not at the list itself, necessarily, but at the explanations for each point. So I decided to go through the list with y’all, using Frank as my guinea pig.

First, let me point out what Seacrest points out–that the list was put together by ChristWire. I’ve never been to that site, but I think it’s safe to say that it’s a humor site about Christians or something.

Ok, here we go.

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers

Um, no. Frank doesn’t like the phone any more than I do, and he is very open about his late night use of computers.

Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide something from you. Be on the lookout for a man who doesn’t want to web surf or answer phone calls in your presence.

Now, replace “porn addiction” with “Plants vs. Zombies addiction” and you might be onto something. And it’s safe to say that Frank definitely DOES want to web surf in my presence.

Texting is another favorite trick used by adulterers. For the sake of trust, a married couple should share everything, including phone logs, email accounts, chat friends and website histories.

Haha. I’ve seen him send a text. Texting, “Thanks!” takes about 5 minutes, so he would not be likely to use this trick. And if you’re wondering, we do know each other’s passwords for everything, and no, we don’t spy on each other.

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way

I don’t think he looks at other men, unless they’re speaking directly to him.

When you’re out in public, does he spend too much time looking at other men?

I’ll let you know if we ever go out in public.

Is he fond of winking at people?

I think he winked at me once. Sarcastically. Also, is winking a sign of having teh ghey? I would never have known this.

Does he get visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance?

Um, no. He’s only half-listening most of the time anyway, so it’s not like he’d hear a compliment.

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups

No one would ever accuse Frank of even pretending to pay attention in church.

Have you noticed a lack of interest in spiritual issues?

Definitely not. He’s even listening to the whole Bible on CD right now. But that’s probably just a cover-up!

Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men?

Yeah, Frank doesn’t use any excuse to spend time around any people other than me. We’re recluses, for the most part. No, really.

Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?

GASP! They have a men’s Bible study on Saturday mornings, and… and… and… HE LED THE STUDY A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO! I’m unclear as to whether he volunteered, though.

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home

If by “overly fastidious” you mean “occasionally asks whether his pants match his shirt and requests a new $10 belt when his old one is nearly in two pieces from long use”, then yes, he’s overly fastidious about his appearance. Re: the home, I wish! Then at least one of us would be.

Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them.

This made me LOL, because I’m reading a book about natural childbirth, so I automatically thought you meant “men without fear and with the intention of not using drugs”. But anyway, Frank must be gritty, because I don’t think he’s made with artificial ingredients.

They sweat and they smell.

They don’t take showers? How do they get women to marry them?

Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing

whereas “natural” men are always rolling in the trash to see how smelly they can get. True men roll in trash!

and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home.

There’s your final answer right there. Frank is definitely hetero, because he wouldn’t have married me if he were incredibly particular about home cleanliness. And he certainly wouldn’t have knocked me up.

Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers?

Um, ew. He might shave to make 2 eyebrows instead of 1 (I wouldn’t know, because I don’t ask), but tweezing would take way too much time away from his iPad. And I can barely get him to wear sunscreen, so I’m thinking no on the moisturizers.

Is he picky about brand name shampoos?

Now, that you mention it, YES! He hates it if the brand name shampoos I buy smell too girly.

Does he spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do?

Well, yes, but 95% of that is time spent drinking coffee in preparation for the horrendous task of leaving the house.

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports

No gym membership, but the dude does exercise for at least 15 minutes 3 days a week. I should worry, right?

Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms.

I had no idea that gyms were a giant gay conspiracy! And judging from their bodies, I’d say gay men might *possibly* also use the gym as a place to work out. Maybe.

They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play.

What?! People who work out with the only benefit being a good / healthy body?! That’s so gay!

Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women.

Well, at least this habit will help them with their overly fastidious appearances.

If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign.

Um… Shouldn’t I also worry if my man returns from the gym full of energy? I mean, if he’s spending our money on ridiculous gym fees, I’d hope he’s actually, you know, working out to the point of exhaustion… Also, how do I tell if my husband is too exhausted to talk when he’s not that verbose to begin with? Maybe if he’s too exhausted to play Plants vs. Zombies would be a better metric. And my husband has never ever been too tired to have sex, so this does not apply.

7) Strange sexual demands

Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations.

Presented without comment.

The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on.

It sounds to me like this sentence is assuming that a healthy marriage drags on. Maybe that problem should be addressed first.

If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.

Okay, wait. Use of lubricants is fetishism and is in no way related to… lubrication? Poor women over 30, engaging in fetishism without their knowledge! You’re all deeply emotionally abnormal! Shame on your hoo-hahs.

8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films

Pornography is a dangerous element in any marriage but there are many Christians who feel watching it does add something to their sexual lives. If you have gone down this road and find that your man perks up at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned.

Dude, we get queasy and embarrassed just watching True Blood together, and neither of us can look at the screen half the time. So no, we don’t do the whole porn thing.

If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire.

You know, we do watch a lot of dumb action flicks, which tend to star the same old dumb action heroes… DANGER!

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia

Ok, LOL. Any man who travels frequently to big cities or overpopulated countries is suspect! So all you wives who have traveling CPAs, lawyers, and salesmen for husbands, BEWARE! Highly populated areas are infected!

Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind.

Don’t I know it. The second we get to the big city of Fort Worth in November, I am indulging in some Braum’s ice cream and Chipotle, yo.

From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined.

Don’t forget the ice cream joints!

Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

No! Only gayness happens in these places!

10) Too many friendly young male friends

What if all his young male friends are unfriendly? He’s safe?

Someone who makes an extra effort to surround themselves with younger men should raise concerns in any community.

Well, making an extra effort to surround themselves with younger women might raise concerns, too.

If this is the case with your husband, ask yourself if he prefers their company to that of women.

Let’s see, I asked myself, and no. He doesn’t prefer anyone’s company, only mine. See above where we’re recluses.

Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs?

No, Frank keeps his arms firmly folded in front of him so that NO ONE will try to touch him or embrace him. He also carries a gun in case people don’t get the hint.

Do they exchange expensive, personal gifts like scarves or cologne?

LOL. I’m picturing Frank in a scarf. Again, I say LOL.

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends

Oh, SNAP. Sarcasm and irony are homosexual traits?? Frank and I are apparently both gay.

A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group.

And sarcasm and irony are purely girlish traits. I knew his political satire was a sign of something being wrong with him!

In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.

WHEW! Arms folded, so no hand talking. I was getting worried.

12) Love of pop culture

We’re conservatives, so we hate most of pop culture.

It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture

Oh, thank goodness!

but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm.

Uh-oh. Frank agrees about twice a year to watch a chick flick with me. We should seek counseling.

Gossip websites,

Does Hot Air count? I mean, it does have Hot in its name. Clearly gay propaganda!

Glee

!!! We watch this together!!!

and The Golden Girls

He thought Betty White was funny in that Snickers commercial!

are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid.

Great, thanks. Now he’s gonna stop watching Glee with me.

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public

He’s very white, so no.

Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around?

That sounds like one of those leaving-the-house activities. Also, to be fair, shirtlessness can also be a sign that your husband is a werewolf.

Does he wear a speedo at the beach?

No, but there was one time when we were hiking in the mountains…

Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks?

Oh my goodness, do gay men do this? Because that’s hilarious.

He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him.

Or he’s part of a comedy bit, because, again, that’s just funny.

14) Sudden heavy drinking

Alcoholism is a sign of homosexuality. Don’t tell the Irish, or they’ll start a fight with you. (Kidding, Irish. Don’t beat me up.)

Sometimes people dealing with an unbearable emotional issue like homosexuality will turn to alcohol to hide their distress.

Is this limited to homosexuality, or are there other emotional issues that will turn you drunk?

Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone?

All the time.

Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel?

Cigarettes + gel = signs of alcoholism.

Does he cry frequently?

He cried when we watched that movie Up. GAY!

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?

Oh, um. Actually, yes.

This is an important question to ask yourself when your marriage starts to have problems.

Considering that our problems usually consist of whether I have to sit through an episode of Farscape, I don’t know that I need to ask if he’s gay when this comes up.

Statistics have shown that women who have encountered gay men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this mistake in future relationships.

Whatever. I only had several boyfriends who turned out gay. Your statistics clearly aren’t true in my case.

If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion.

I hate shopping.

Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children?

Um, I’m a woman. Can’t they be equal?

Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!

Straight! Ha! ISWYDT.

23 Responses to Frank is definitely hetero

  1. /Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks?/

    I have known several gay men (one of whom I did date…uh-oh), and NONE of them EVER did this.

    But I would have laughed and laughed if they had!

  2. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » She Finally Believes Me!

  3. They forgot the most important sign: If he knows who Ryan Seacrest is, he is probably gay. What does that guy do that a straight man would know about (absent undue coercion from a female companion)?

  4. /Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?/

    “No, but my husband has. Does that mean anything?”

  5. MarkoMancuso

    I was at my Mom’s one recent evening. She put on “Glee”. I walked away ASAP and concluded that any man who watches “Glee” is gay or a bad actor (But you’re all right, Sarah).

    I’m just sayin’.

  6. Number 14 had me worried until I re-read it and noticed the word “Sudden”.

  7. So… if you take your shirt off in public it’s a sign that you could be a gay werewolf? ;)

  8. That’s pretty funny. I’m surprised nothing about music was listed.

  9. Dr. Feelgood

    Wacky Hermit, haven’t you seen any of the Twilight films?

    ’cause I haven’t. I’m not gay.

    And Sarah, after the baby arrives you may find that Frank is ocassionally too tired. It’s not gayness, though; that affliction is more commonly known as “fatherhood.” It increases exponentially with additional broodlings.

  10. Clearly, it’s been far to long since I’ve been here at MM on my own (followed the link at Linkiest). Great post on its own; the fact that it was about Frank made it all the funnier. ..bruce..

  11. Am I the only one who thinks he doest protest too much?

    I’m just sayin’.

  12. Actually, following this link trail to the original article, it seems as if it’s unintentional satire. Like the writer really meant this stuff. Wow.

  13. Too many friendly young male friends

    Actually, if he had too many female young friends, THAT might be a problem. Not teh ghey, but, you know.

  14. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.

    So, what – all Italians are gay?

    Also note that I have hair long enough to donate to cancer patients.

    Man this is some huuuuuuge closet. Just think of the scarves we can fit in here!

  15. Whew! Looks like I’m straight then.

    But I’m not married! Maybe the stress of women will turn me to men?!

    I’ve got a long way to turn, though, so I think I’m fine for the foreseeable future (out to the next 80 years or so – hope this website is up for my then-wife, so she can be prepared!).

  16. Dr. Feelgood

    So, what – all Italians are gay?

    Not exactly the strongest argument one could make.

  17. When in Fort Worth, you should also indulge in some Cousins BBQ. Also, their original location is only a block from Braums.

    Sorry, I don’t have any witty comments about the article, but it made me laugh. =)

  18. THE WIFE and our five children are just a front for me to hide my gheyness.

    I am so glad this list brought me out. I am off to San Fransisco or Asia now.

  19. Man, the retired Marine next door and his wife are going to be mad when I tell him he’s gay! He never wears a shirt! I’m sure it’s not just because we live in the hot south…

    Also, your website says that my e-mail address will not be published nor used for evil…and then you listed required. Was that for the e-mail or the evil? ;o)

  20. hmmmm.
    no mention of bad karaoke = gay?

  21. Hahahaha!

  22. The irony here is that RYAN SEACREST posted this list.

    RYAN. SEACREST.

  23. tracey, I KNOW! That was my favorite part. Oh, Ryan.

    Also, weird. I’m doing your nosy survey right now. Spooky!