FRANK J.: Huh. I wonder if this is significant. They’ve cast Kensei, the boyhood hero of Hiro in Heroes.
SARAHK: [grinning ear to ear at the “hero of Hiro in Heroes”]
FRANK J.[laughing at the same thing and at my expression]: And they cast… Sahhhk.
SARAHK: 8-O and :-DDDDD
FRANK J.: I wonder if that means something, that they cast someone who isn’t Japanese.
SARAHK: Don’t care don’t care don’t care don’t care–
FRANK J.: At first I was annoyed, because it seems like he should be Japanese, but–
SARAHK: –don’t care don’t care don’t care don’t care–
FRANK J.: –maybe it means something.
SARAHK: –don’t care don’t care don’t care! [Raises arms in air.] David Anders is gonna be in Heroes! Thank you, Heroes people, thank you so much! Thank you!

Ooh. You know what? I’m totally fine with adding Michael Vartan to the cast while you’re at it. Then you’d have Weissy, Sahhhk, and Vaughn back on one show again. I’m for it.

which is directed by J.J. Abrams.

so… i wonder if, at the end of the movie, we’ll have any idea what’s going on…

my evil twin has illustrated Frankie’s latest antics. perfectly.

the evil twin also has the perfect take on my questions about how my grandmother died. every time i see it i ROFL. i can’t believe my mind didn’t go there.

I might need this. I mean, I already have the first 4 seasons, but it’s just so neato, the Irina cube. Spidade will most likely need one too.

i cried at the end of ALIAS. i’m so sad it’s over. i’m really gonna miss it. there was only one person’s end in the series finale that i wasn’t pleased with - why was Sydney begging Irina to come back? she always falls for that evil whore mother of hers.

i liked the way it all ended.

more later.

I totally called that. You NEVER say “I’ll be right back.” And you CERTAINLY don’t say it twice. And I did say exactly who would be behind that door.

BTW, I decided to take tonight off from 24 blogging. I didn’t want the 2-hour season finale to take us 4 hours to watch, because um… ALIAS series finale tonight. WHOA! Special guest star Merrin Dungey, are you kidding? Didn’t she die? Twice?

I’ll get to blogging 24 tomorrow some time. But you know, I’ve got cleaning, dog training, a massage, and probably a few seizures on the way tomorrow, so it might not be early.

So I’m really behind and want to get all caught up before Monday’s 2-hour season finale.

Previously on ALIAS: Prophet 5 is bad and has people planted in 12 different governments, the Prophet 5 guy says Nadia will be cured soon and won’t tell Sloane when, because he has one more mission for Sloane. Irina delivered Sydney’s baby while Jack watched. And Vaughn came back to life in a monastery in Bhutan.
(more…)

I don’t have a good feeling.  I really think Chris is gone. Oh, but seriously. ALIAS DETOUR! I’m gonna get all caught up on my ALIAS snarkage real soon, because tonight’s episode is possibly the most snarkworthy EVER!!! (No, wait. Blowback from Season 3 can’t ever be beat, truth be told.) GHOST OF NADIA, THANK YOU J.J., I’M IN SNARKER’S HEAVEN! Can you tell what we just watched?

LOL, the Ford commercial (”Wonderful World”, our wedding last dance) reminds me of last week’s ALIAS, which I really need to snark, because the blatant Ford commercial where Nadia asked Jack about getting the Hybrid was even more blatant a Ford commercial than the Blowback one with the F-150 and the blue Focus. It’s so hilarious that I remember the cars (colors and everything!), so Ford is getting its money’s worth. Anyway, this AI commercial stunk.

Oh no. They’re doing a group medley. Of Elvis songs. Quick, turn off the amp! Nuh-uh. Go Kat Go, and she’s dancing all by herself on stage. I was already nauseous from my migraine meds. And Taylor has his Cap’n Tightpants on. And my goodness, Katharine. I’m starting to think she caught Taylor’s manic dance fever, and is there an artist who jumps up and down constantly? Because she caught that disease too. ‘NSYNC. She caught the J.C. Jumps. Poor girl.

Oh my goodness, that Rebecca Romijn thing where she requested “Jailhouse Rock” from Taylor. So staged. Taylor totally just got jiggy with Elliott’s mama. He owes Elliott dinner for that one.

Top two and bottom two. Chris/Katherine and Elliott/Taylor. Which is which? You know what Frank said? “Oh, if Taylor and Elliott are top two, then Dial Idol got it right again.” Ummmmmm. I don’t have any machines doing my work for me, so it’s WAY more impressive that I predicted it. That was all my smirts. No engineering involved. Thank you, I rock.

And Chris and Katharine are the bottom two. And Chris is going home, and the whole room is shocked.

Not me, because America has sucked so bad this season. Hello, Kellie Pickler got past Mandisa. Gedeon went home way before Scrappy Doo.  How is Chris going before Katharine surprising?

Oh, about Katharine. Listen, I have big boobs too. Ok, average but as big as Katharine’s. In fact, I looked down tonight and went, “Wow, my boobs are big,” and Frank said, “Yes they are.” One of the great things about having a Dove body. Does that mean I’m more talented than Chris? Uh no. But you don’t see me up there in the top 3. Of course, I’ll be 30 soon, so I’m too old, but anyway. Yeehaw. What was I saying?

But listen. This is absolutely the best thing that could have happened to Chris. Why is he gone? Truly, why is he gone? Because he kept having to do pop. His fans want him to do what he does best, which is definitely not pop. When has he been in the bottom? Never when he rocked the house. Anyway, if he puts out an AI album, you know they’re gonna make him do pop, just like Bo. This way he’ll be able to do his style of music. Unless AI puts out his album anyway. Plus I rilly don’t think he’s gonna be stuck out with no music career. Bands will be calling, which is great, but he has his own band, and now they have all that 35 million strong publicity.

So I’m glad he’s out. I’m dancing to “Bad Day” as much as I did when Kellie’s gig was finally up, because this is gonna be so much better for him and for music fans. Whee!

But if Katharine isn’t gone next week (if you can’t tell, I’m totally out on her), I won’t Whee.

Yeah, I know this is a couple weeks late, but just be happy it’s done! Yay!

Previously on ALIAS

The ambulance carrying the guy that Jack shot a couple times is hit by a semi, because this show LOVES car crashes ever since that “my name’s not Michael Vaughn” thing, and bullets start flying. The two military guys riding in the ambulance are taken out, and Davenport, I think is his name, runs out of the ambulance with his hands up, in his hospital pantsuit. They make those? Why do they always give me the gown that shows off my butt? “Please don’t shoot me!”

Irina Derevko walks up and asks Davenport what he told Jack. “I didn’t tell anyone anything, I swear!” which is a really stupid thing to say. The only chance this idiot has is to say, “I told him some crazy stuff! And you’re gonna need me now!” but no, he says, I’m the only one who knows what I know, please shoot me. She does, and he’s dead.

(more…)

Previously on ALIAS, there was some crazy stuff. Sydney got kidnapped and questioned by Prophet Five with some serum that Irina (hiding from Sydney behind the glass) was worried would endanger the baby. Sydney saw her OBGYN, who said the baby was fine (before Sydney was questioned). Vaughn got “killed” by Prophet Five (and Jack told Sydney he’d do anything to keep Vaughn safe, which SarahK took to mean included faking his death). Weiss moved to Langley with a CIA promotion and forgot all about his girlfriend lying in a coma. Sloane’s kinda sorta a reluctant double agent for Prophet Five so he can save Nadia’s life. Marshall found 12 sources that make up Prophet Five. And Sydney escaped from Peyton only to find that she was on a huge freighter in the middle of the ocean.

(more…)

OH MY GOODNESS, I’VE JUST FINISHED WATCHING LAST NIGHT’S EP!

IT WAS SO GOOD!! FOR SNARKING AND JUST FOR WATCHING.

I’m going to miss it so much when it goes. In the nicetime, I’m so excited about the rest of the season.

Ok, gotta go rewatch for the snark.

Got an email from Martha today (Martha of Hank and Martha from the cruise). Of course, I haven’t yet responded, because I’m bad, but I got such a kick when she gave me a message from Hank:  they had fish tacos this week, too. Haha, we were eating them for lunch when I read the email. Also, she called me her adopted daughter, so that put a huge smile on my face. It’s crazy how alike we are.

The goals. On the Saturday dog walk, we talked about needing to get a plan for getting out of Florida (hmm, I wonder who brought that up). The goal is to be writing for a living by the time we move. We’re suspecting either Idaho or Texas, since the next place we live is probably where we’ll have our kids, and we definitely want grandparents around.  So. This has turned into a strict schedule for me, because my #1 priority is getting the first In My World compilation edited, plus editing his short story that has received interest from a sci-fi magazine.

The schedule.  It’s strict but doable. The main reason for the strict schedule is to keep the dog on a strict schedule, but the benefit is that my days are mapped out so I’m super-productive. Tomorrow is the first day, and I’ll let y’all know how many minutes it lasts. Actually, I’m very committed, so I’m going to make this work.

Dog Yeller with SarahK. That would be the show if I were Cesar Millan. Anyway, yesterday morning we were lying in bed, and the phone rang. It was Vickie, my massage therapist. Her neighbor Vickie has a German Shepherd who pulls her all over the place, and she’s at her wit’s end, with tears and everything (sounds like me the day Rowdi made me chase her through the neighborhood and I was a big sobbing mess). So Vickie told her about me and said she should talk to me about it, because my dog is so much better now. This made me laugh so hard inside (I mean, she is better, but the thought of me being someone to go to on this is hysterical). I haven’t talked to her yet (she missed my call and is supposed to call me next), but I’ll of course tell her about the Gentle Leader, the Dog Whisperer TV show, Cesar’s DVD, and Cesar’s book. Maybe when she gets her dog under control, our dogs can play together (he’s a boy). All the dogs in our neighborhood are mean to Rowdi. The little ones nip at her nose and yap yap yap until she leaves, and the big dogs growl and bark. Poor bad dog.

Speaking of Cesar Millan. I quickly jumped ahead in the book (we received it the day it came out) to see how he got to the U.S. It turns out, he came here illegally (though he’s now legally here and working on becoming a citizen). I’m all kinds of against illegal immigration, but I did get a new perspective on it reading Cesar’s reasoning for why he had to come illegally. It had nothing to do with the U.S. and everything to do with the corrupt Mexican government. I’m still against illegal immigration, but now it’s not completely black and white for me. Yeah, I know, it’s one man’s account. But the thing about that man is that he learned English, doesn’t run around protesting with Mexican flags and throwing our hospitality back in our faces, contributes to society, and is not a tax burden.

On TV’s LOST.  I’m getting bored with LOST. Everything is a mystery. From what’s up with the island, to who’s cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, to who Kate’s going to be in love with today, to who’s going to be stupid enough to ask Sawyer for help. There’s not enough action. Jack and Locke are fighting like a couple of females. Really, why don’t they just go out to the ocean and have that peeing contest. And quit acting like girls fighting over who gets to be captain of the cheering squad. The second most annoying thing about LOST, though, is that I’m having serious Rambaldi flashbacks. The ALIAS peeps never really knew what the whole Rambaldi endgame was, so at the end of season 4, they had the stupid big red ball making people evil. That’s it? Are you kidding? And now, the writers (and probably creator) of LOST don’t have a clue what’s going on with the island, so they make it like a Monday through Friday soap opera. Nothing happens on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday (hello, Days of Our Lives), so people really only get any entertainment out of Monday and Friday. Problem is, and this is the #1 most annoying thing about LOST, they only show it every 4 weeks or so. So one week we get a decent episode, then they’re off for 4 weeks, then 3 inconsequential eps in a row, then off for 4 weeks, then one decent episode… and so on. After the most recent hiatus, I had no desire to get back into it.

And on 24… I still think Audrey’s in on some bigger plot, the DHS lady (Mr. F) is evil, Tony’s not dead, and we haven’t seen the last of Walt’s widow. Oh, and the Chinese government - I’ll bet they figure out Jack’s not dead, if they haven’t already.

And in Melbourne, Florida, we got rain! It was fantastic, around 4:30 Saturday morning we started having major thunder and lightning, and the rain lasted a couple of hours. I was so happy to see the rain. And I’m pretty sure my Gerbera daisy plant outside was happy to see it too, because now I not only have the one big flower standing tall, I also have two new babies making their way up!

The weather today was fabulous. And we have mucho clouds, so I’m hoping this cooler weather will continue.

Gotta go to bed now. The new schedule says so.

We’re sorry, could you repeat yourself? We missed the latest briefing due to your Bride-of-Frankenstein hairdo. If those are highlights, fire Ben Affleck, as he can no longer be your hair dresser. If that’s gray, you really really should do something about that. You’re just gonna be a mom for the first time, you’re not a grama.

Love,
SarahK and Frank J.

p.s. thanks for the laugh, though, we had to pause the DVR for quite some time to recover.

When recycled plots attack!! Tonight on ABC!

Previously on ALIAS, Nadia was infected with a virus that made her a psychopath; Sloane was incarcerated for some reason by the CIA; Vaughn was supposedly killed; some blonde chick good with computers admitted to being a genius; and someone whose mama named him Balthazar joined the show as the new hot guy; Sloane and Dixon killed each others’ wives. Oh, and Weiss got promoted and moved to Washington D.C. to pursue other acting opportunities.

The episode opens in Instanbul (not Constantinople), where a Death Eater in a privacy cloak steals some really awful stuff and locks the scientists working on the awful stuff in a sealed room with it right after breaking a vial of it. The scientists don’t make it out, but the mice are just fine. Way to go mice!

Next scene, Martyr#1 (Sydney), in a very homely top, receives one of Vaughn’s hockey magazines in the mail and cancels the subscription, pretending to be sad he’s off the show. Whatever.

At APO, Marshall shows Sydney, Balthazar, and Jack the video of the evil woman killing the scientists and tells them that the stuff she stole is called Substance 33, and he thinks she works for Gordon Dean, who ordered people to kill Sydney’s baby’s daddy. Balthazar is there and does not have time for Marshall’s chit-chat. He and Jack are gonna get along really well. Sydney gives Balthazar dirty looks; apparently, she doesn’t like him because he’s not Ben Affleck. Sounds familiar.

Marshall has found that there’s a hacker that works for Dean, and the hacker is within a 5-mile radius in Prague. If Marshall can go there, he can find the hacker and therefore find Dean. Sparks fly when Jack tells Sydney and Balthazar that they’re going to Prague.

SYDNEY: What? This guy? But I want Ben Affleck to come with me!
JACK: Sydney, I’m in charge here, and I said that you and Balthazar– [Jack breaks off and starts laughing] — wow, your mama named you that? Anyway, Sydney, you and Balthazar will take Marshall to Prague and find Dean.
SYDNEY: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!
JACK: YES I AM!
SYDNEY: Oh yeah. Forgot. Well, I’m just gonna not be nice to him on the mission.
BALTHAZAR: Hey! I’m in the room, and I have a name!

Jack doubles over with laughter, and SarahK, Guardian Butterfly Ambassador of Hot-Guy Protection, saunters in wearing her purple spandex suit and sequined flip-flops.

SARAHK: Hey, Hot Guy, I’m your Ambassador of Protection. Lucky you, huh?
BALTHAZAR: You’re my what?
SARAHK: Anyway, what’s your name?
JACK [between fits of the giggles]: His… name… is…. ahahahahaha… Balthazar!
SARAHK: Oh dear. Well, at least it’s not something like Julian.
MR. SARK [running into the room]: Did I hear my name?
JACK: Sark! I’ll get you now!
SARAHK: Don’t be silly, Jack. Sark is a hot guy, so you’re out of luck while I’m around. So, Sarky baby, where ya been?
MR. SARK: Actually sharing a CIA cell with Anna Espinosa. But don’t tell anyone, they don’t know I’m there. We’re staging an elaborate break out attempt to spring Anna. Gotta go!

Sark Disapparates, and Balthazar goes to get ready for his mission.

JACK: Hey beautiful, nice to see you.
SARAHK: You too. See ya later.
JACK: Not if I see you first, love.

Sydney acts all martyry and goes to argue her point with Jack.

SYDNEY: But he’s hot, and what if I flake out again and leave Benny Boo for him? I do that a lot! You have to keep me away from him!
JACK: Shoo fly! Don’t bother me!
SYDNEY: Pleeeeeeeeease??
JACK: Oh fine. Here’s why Dixon can’t go. He’s going with Sloane to see about a cure for Nadia.
SYDNEY: Then I’d rather go with Marshall by myself. It’s easy, especially with my big boobs and my big belly, I can do all that spy fighting stuff easy!
JACK: What’s the big deal anyway?
SYDNEY: I read his file. He’s a loner, I don’t want him on our team.
JACK: I’m glad he’s a loner! That means you won’t start to care for him, so no one can kill him and take him away from you! BECAUSE YOU’VE GOT ENOUGH MARTYRING TO BE GETTING ON WITH! AND IT’S GETTING OLD!
SARAHK [flitting in]: YEAH! High-five, Jack!
[they high-five]

Marshall and Balthazar show up to say they’re ready to go, and Balthazar gives Sydney a “whether you like it or not” look.

Dixon goes to visit Sloane in CIA prison, and Dixon tells Sloane that Dixon’s in charge, and if Sloane tries to take charge, Dixon’s gonna punch him in the face. “Aight, fine.”

In Prague, Sydney, Marshall, and Balthazar are in an SUV outside a coffee shop.

BALTHAZAR: That’s an unlikely place for a mission. Are you sure our hacker is in there?
SYDNEY [glaring]: Well you’re an unlikely choice for MY mission.
BALTHAZAR: Glare all you want, I’m still going to be hot. You’re just going to have to learn to control yourself.
MARSHALL: Our signal’s coming from in there, it’s a Wi-Fi hotspot. Here’s a can of mints with tracking devices in them. Offer one to our hacker. He’ll get sick.
SYDNEY: With Bird Flu?
MARSHALL: Yes, I have such a ready supply on hand. No, stupid. From lead poisoning. Anyway, there’s a computer relay thingy on the bottom of the mint can, so I can access his computer if you get within 5 feet of the guy.

Both Sydney and Balthazar try to take the mint can from Marshall.

SYDNEY: speaking in tongues.
BALTHAZAR: What’s that, some sort of code for “I can’t resist you anymore, please kiss me, you beautiful man, you”?
SYDNEY [glaring with satisfaction on her face]: That was Czech.
BALTHAZAR: Well, I’ll fake it. It’s Germanish, right?
SYDNEY [still glaring]: …
BALTHAZAR: You know what your problem is? You think you’re the only agent on the planet.
SYDNEY [looking genuinely surprised]: You mean I’m not?

Balthazar hands over the mints, and Sydney glares at Marshall, as if it’s his fault that Balthazar’s not ugly. She strolls into the coffee shop, homelier than ever (really, do you not fix your hair before you go to work anymore? And haven’t you ever heard of those cute maternity stores like Motherhood and Mimi, etc.? You don’t have to dress like you’ve never heard of color just because your baby’s daddy is “dead”.

Anyway, in the coffee shop…

SYDNEY [still speaking in tongues]: You’re American?
COLLEGE KID WITH LAPTOP: No.
SYDNEY: Oh. I saw your Red Sox baseball cap. By the way, have I told you about Benny Boo? He and I are such huge Red Sox fans, isn’t that cute? He wants to be a senator.
COLLEGE KID: Oh. You’re pregnant?
SYDNEY: No.
COLLEGE KID: No? You’re just fat then?
SYDNEY: A joke, silly… Say, you’re kinda hot. You wanna be my new baby’s daddy?
SARAHK: Flake. Excuse me, kid. Did you just ask a woman if she’s pregnant? Did you know that can go dreadfully wrong?
COLLEGE KID: Oh.
SYDNEY: Want a mint?
COLLEGE KID: Why? Does my breath stink?
SYDNEY: No.
COLLEGE KID: Why would I want a mint, then?
SYDNEY: A joke again, silly! You have horrible breath! Take the mint! [flashes dimples]

The kid takes the mint just as Marshall tells Sydney in her earpiece that someone else was using the signal and probably has a cell phone. Sydney spots Martyr#2, the girl from the season premier who knows she’s a genius, leaving the coffee shop. Balthazar tells Marshall to buckle up and chases her down (she’s driving too). She relents when he sticks a gun in her face. I’m sure Sydney is glaring at someone, because Balthazar totally left her at the coffee shop.

Sydney wants Martyr#2 to give up Substance 33 “while there’s still time”, whatever that means. Marshall rigs a voice stress analyzer, and Sydney glares at Balthazar before stomping out of the room.

Sloane and Dixon go to Omsk, Russia to get the cure for Nadia. The guy they’re meeting with calls and says that Sloane has to ditch Dixon, or he won’t meet Sloane. Dixon says fine, but if you escape, I’ll kill your daughter, and Sloane says I’ll kill yours back. Remember last time?

Sydney tells Martyr#2 that she’s a terrorist, so she better tell Syd where Substance 33 is. Rachel says I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I want to contact the American Embassy. Sydney tells her that terrorists don’t get rights, and SarahK vehemently agrees. Balthazar breaks in and tells Sydney that Martyr#2 is one Rachel Gibson who is here on a student visa for the past two weeks. Balthazar asks what she’s studying, and Rachel says she’s studying architecture. They debate over which is better, Gothic or Romanesque, and Rachel tries to shake her watch.

Balthazar grabs Rachel’s watch and says, “That’s way too stainless steel all over to be a real watch!” Marshall takes the watch to check it out, Rachel looks scared, and Sydney tells her she should be, glaring at Rachel instead of Balthazar this time. Rachel tells Sydney that U.S. agents are going to swarm the place in a minute, and Marshall tells them that the signal didn’t go out. Rachel says she’s a CIA agent, and Sydney says, “Nuh-uhhhh, we are.” Rachel says, “Um, maybe we both are?”

Sydney wants verification from Langley, Rachel says hey, we’re black ops, so they won’t say who I am. Sydney says, that’s convenient, where have I heard that before? Marshall says, but Sydney, she’s not lying, she believes she’s a CIA agent! Marshall calls Jack, and Jack says that Rachel has hypnotized herself, but SarahK doesn’t think she looks googly-eyed. Sydney says, well, if she believes what she’s saying, then I’d better talk to her, because maybe just maybe we can recycle the plot from the pilot of the show so we don’t have to come up with a new one!

Sydney gives Rachel a narrative about Rachel’s life, but really she’s telling the story of Sydney Bristow. I wonder if Rachel’s momma killed Balthazar’s dad for naming him Balthazar? And maybe Gordon Dean will come back later and say, no, I’m really a good guy, and to prove it, this is my daughter. See? Doesn’t that make me a good guy? And maybe Rachel will confront her dad, who works for both the CIA and Gordon Dean, and she’ll tell him he’s been a bad father.

After Sydney tells Rachel what she thinks, Rachel suspects that Sydney read her file, and Sydney says, “No. I saw Season 1.” Sydney gets super-sincere and tells Rachel the truth about what happened to her. She tells Rachel she’s working for a criminal organization and thinks she can prove it. She asks about the stainless steel watch. Rachel says that the signal gets received at Langley, that she designed it herself so she’s quite sure of it. Sydney says they can trace the signal and see where it goes.

Marshall takes over and sends out a test signal. Sydney looks furtively at Rachel, Balthazar looks furtively at Sydney, and Rachel looks smug when the signal goes to Langley. Then the signal pings off of Langley and goes to Prague on Vlasska Street, and Rachel says, oh pooh! That’s where our office is! Only temporarily, of course, so Dean can oversee the transfer of that awful Substance 33, and Sydney looks all surprised and says, what? Dean’s in Prague? He killed my baby’s daddy! Sydney looks at Balthazar without glaring, then remembers herself and glares at her own lap.

Rachel stands on the roof, all sad and martyry. Balthazar talks to Jack and tells him that Dean’s got the info about the transfer of Substance 33 on his own server and that Rachel doesn’t know where it’s supposed to happen. Dean’s operation is called The Shed, and Rachel’s willing to give them everything. Marshall says if he could get inside Dean’s operation, he could download Dean’s whole harddrive.

JACK: It’s too dangerous to send you in, Marshall. Let’s send in the girl!
BALTHAZAR: She’s not a field agent, and she’s sad, and she’s a girl! Obviously, she can’t do it.

So Sydney goes to the martyr roof to talk to Rachel and tells her they need help. Marshall tells Rachel what to do, and Rachel is impressed with the credit card Marshall gives her. “Hey, don’t use that to buy coffee, it’s maxed out, because I have a wife. But it will also hold 240GB, so you can put the decryption key on it.” He also tells her that he can download the server really fast because he can hop RAM. She tells him he’s clever, and he says yeah you too, and they have an awkward moment, and Marshall promises he’s not creepy, and he’s totally impressed by her being a genius, though she’s been doing evil stuff. But hey, I did the same once too.

Sloane meets his friend to give him $300,000 for Nadia’s cure. Mr. Friend takes the money and then pulls a gun on Sloane. “Oh and by the way, I don’t have a cure, Nadia’s the only one still alive. All I have with me is a body bag and this gun. Here, let me cock the hammer on this semi-auto so you’ll know it’s a gun for sure.” He tells Arvin he wants to kill him. “Oh, really? Because the way you’ve got that gun pointed at me, I thought you wanted to kiss me!”

After the break, Mr. Friend tells Arvin that the Rambaldi device killed his daughter, and since Sloane killed his daughter by being Rambaldi, he’s going to kill Sloane in return. Sloane says some flowery words about legacies, blah blah blah, and the man drives off without killing Sloane. So the whole point of it was to get Sloane to Russia so Sloane can hide out with Irina, because we all know he’s not going back to CIA prison with Dixon.

In a van outside Rachel’s office building, Sydney gives Rachel an earpiece and says that if Rachel senses she’s in danger, they’ll pull her out. Sydney tells her she has to pretend at the office that she doesn’t know anything and that she has to look Dean in the eye and pretend to heart him. Syd wants to brush-pass in the lobby when Rachel has the encryption key. She looks scared and asks Sydney how many of her co-workers know that they’re working for an evil organization. Sydney says it’s probably not many, and Rachel looks unsure. Sydney hands her a picture of Vaughn.

SYDNEY: Look at my baby’s daddy! He was a good man!
RACHEL: Dean said he was a CIA agent who turned, but I guess he lied.
SYDNEY: My baby’s daddy. You’re our best chance. I believe in you.
RACHEL: I hope you believe in me as much as you believe in giving up the free milk.
SYDNEY: My baby’s daddy! Dean must pay! He used you to murder U.S. agents, including my baby’s daddy!

Rachel goes to the office and looks people in the eye but looks really really tired. The evil lady who killed the scientists at the beginning of the show starts talking to Rachel like they’re best friends, and Rachel has to pretend she had a bad weekend when Peyton asks if Rachel’s ok. Peyton acts like a normal human, and Rachel sits down at her terminal and begins copying the decryption key onto Marshall’s maxed-out credit card. Even though the port Rachel sticks into the machine looks more like a USB connection, the computer screen says that it has detected a Firewire device. Whatever.

Back in the command center van, Sydney gets annoyed with the genuinely concerned Balthazar, who wants to know how long Rachel’s been gone. Sydney glares at Balthazar when Marshall says that Rachel’s probably fine. Note to Sydney: Balthazar (or Thomas Grace, which is his show name) is former military (I think they said that in the 2nd ep.), so you should get used to him being protective of his team. Stupid.

Rachel has to talk to Dean, and he tells her that he feels sympathetic to a serial killer in a book she recommended. She finishes copying and heads for the elevator with the credit card. Right as she gets in the elevator, Peyton jumps in with her, asking if she’s going for coffee. “Yes, but I’m not going to use Marshall’s credit card to pay for it, because his wife maxed it out.” Peyton says she’s dying for a smoke, and Rachel says, “Smoking will kill you, so either way, you’re dying.” Sydney says in Rachel’s ear that she’s going to brush-pass her in front of the building right under Peyton’s dying nose.

Balthazar puts his jacket on and says he’s going with Sydney. Sydney glares at him, and he asks how to say “You’re welcome” in Czech.

Outside, Rachel tells Peyton that she thought Peyton quit smoking, and Peyton says, “Yes, I don’t smoke in the U.S. But here in Prague, where we’ve been for two weeks, it’s a social necessity. Everybody’s doing it, you probably should too.”Sydney walks toward Rachel in a hideously homely jacket, and someone really should fire these costume designers. While Balthazar lights up Peyton’s ciggy, Sydney brushes behind Rachel and takes the credit card. Marshall says, “Whew! I was really afraid she was going to buy coffee with it!” Balthazar tells Peyton “You’re welcome” for lighting up her smoke, and Peyton keeps rattling on.

PEYTON: See? Social necessity. I’m justifying my smoking by saying that this cute guy never would have approached me if I hadn’t smoked. He was hot.
RACHEL [looking at Sydney, who has already told her not to do so]: Yep, it’s good you’re smoking.
PEYTON: He’s not you’re type, though.
RACHEL: Ew, no. He’s not yours either, he’s not evil.

In the van, Balthazar wants to ask Rachel what is meant by not-her-type. Sydney’s glaring at Balthazar while Marshall is asking what idiots don’t double-encrypt their firewalls. He gets in and Sydney tells Rachel to continue with the plan. She’s distracted, and Peyton starts to suspect her. While Rachel resumes her betrayal of the traitors, Peyton goes into Dean’s office and tells him Rachel’s acting funny. He realizes she’s hopping ram and downloading all the files on his server. Peyton offers to eliminate Rachel, and Dean says, no, activate plan B instead. Meanwhile, Marshall has found the info he needed about Substance 33, which will be in container… dun-dun-dunnnnn… 1147.

She activates plan B, and it turns out that plan B is blowing up the whole office after she and Dean flee.

After the bomb timer starts up, Marshall notices that the server’s gone fuzzy, and they’re unable to get a response from Rachel, who has noticed that the power just went off in the office. Balthazar sees black government-looking cars speeding out of the garage, and Marshall tells the team that they EMP’d the electronics in the building, but the digital electronic countdown clock is amazingly still working. Rachel sees it counting down and heads for the elevator, because that is always where you want to be if your building is about to explode.

Balthazar runs for the building, because he’s good and is going to rescue her, and ok, I’ve fallen for his character. He pulls the fire alarm to get people out, and Rachel finally goes for the stairs. Balthazar gets knocked down in the stairwell when the bomb goes off. Sydney sees the top floors of the building explode. Balthazar climbs up and pulls Rachel out from under some rubble. Sydney and her pregnant bare belly and homely shirt run up the stairs, exposing her unborn child to asbestos and stuff, and Balthazar, holding Rachel, says she’s going to be ok, as Rachel opens her eyes and coughs.

Will Sydney get jealous and try to kill Rachel? Will I be able to continue watching this trainwreck with the weight of two martyrs depressing me? Isn’t that why I stopped watching ER? Too many sad people? Will Sydney ever stop glaring at Balthazar? Will Carrie kick Marshall’s pinkytoe for giving away her credit card? Will Sydney get to avenge her baby’s daddy’s “death”? Will Sloane escape? find out tonight, on ABC.

more snarking of this season of ALIAS probably Thursday. i knew with them fake-killing Vaughn it would be a good season to snark, but now that they’re totally recycling storylines with this whole “what? i work for the bad guys?” thing, there are endless things i can do with it.

btw, even though his mama named him Balthazar, i like the new hot guy this season. of course, it will be him and “what” girl making up the new love story. and Sydney AND “what” girl will play martyrs. yay, we don’t have enough martyrs on that show!

man, why can’t everyone just suck it up like Spydaddy?

warning: the following episode review contains spoilers. and much vitriol directed at JJ and likely Miss Hormones.

(more…)

I’d like a pony and a plastic rocket. Oh, sorry, I got your show confused with a great show. Lemme try again.

Dear JJ,

I’d like to kick your pinkytoe. And I’d like to see much less of the Flying Diva’s gigantic breasts. Just because this is the first time she’s ever had them doesn’t mean I need to spend an hour looking at them. I currently have them too, but that just means I’m fat. Whooptidoo!

BTW, I’d like to thank you for absolutely ruining my favorite show. Because I’m funny when I’m ticked off, and snarky. And the show is now going to be so ridiculous that I just. can’t. wait. to get down to snarking business. Poor Frank had to witness it live, as I just couldn’t help myself shouting out what the real dialogue should have been.

Except that Myst V and my podcast are way way more interesting than your show right now, so I’ll have to wait till morning. And I’m not a morning person. So strap on your Rambaldi gear and call your favorite Diva. Expect wrath in SpyPappy magnit–

Hahahahahahahahaha! Frank just made the wind blow by drawing the Bow-Means-Girl SarahK on the Myst V slate.

See? Way better than ALIAS.

Hate,
SarahK

p.s. wow, those must be some serious pregnant hormones. can’t her doctor do something about that?

we know that ALIAS is going to have the most snark-worthy season ever, and i’m super happy about that. the show starts Thursday, and with Sydney pregnant with maybe-Vaughn’s baby (Bill Vaughn’s what i think), and with me spending my time as a housewife, this blog will be full of snarky ALIAS goodness.

LOST is fairly snarkworthy itself, and i’m having fun with theories and such. should i snark that one too? my first snarking priority will be ALIAS, of course, but in my free time i could do LOST too. any interest?

that this is gonna be the best season of ALIAS ever… for snarking anyway. i think there will be lots and lots of shark jumping, which only means that Spydaddy, Dixon and i are gonna have some wacky times. and now that they’re going back to a September through May schedule, on Thursday nights no less (why yes, Virginia, they are trying to destroy the show!) there will be much more time between most episodes for me to put on my snarky snark hat and write lots of tough love letters to J.J.

WARNING: POTENTIAL ALIAS SPOILERS

anyway, it’s looking more and more like Michael Vartan is going to be off the show (i won’t speculate as to why, because i think those people saying it’s because J-Gar got hitched and whined about the hottie being on the show are just looking for someone to blame — kinda like those idiots in Congress who want to form a Hurricane Katrina commission rather than, say, help the victims). and J-Gar is preggers, so Sydney is going to be with child. and Vaughn’s child, so Sydney is going to be going it alone, which will make for lots of emotional moments with Spydaddy, and my mouth is watering thinking of how much fun that’s going to be for me! then there’s the fact that J-Gar can’t do all that jumping around with the baby in her tummy, so rather than being out in the field, she’s going to be — wait for it — handling a baby CIA agent. is it still going to be APO? anyway, there will be, i think, two new baby agents, and Sydney’s going to handle one. it’ll be just like when Vaughn handled her!

so i hope her baby agent is hot and a guy, because that will be like season 1 in reverse!! and then in the season finale, Weiss and Vaughn can come in and blow up APO and reveal that Sloane has been lying all along! and Syd and that new baby agent will kiss right in front of Vaughn, and he’ll be like, “nuh-uhhhh, you whore! pick a guy and stick with him for once in your life!” and she’ll be like, “i did! but Sloane killed him! and then i got stuck with you!” and i’ll be like, “Vaughn, you waited too late! i’m already married!” and he’ll be like, “awwwww, SarahK, i knew i was tempting fate wasting my time on Kickboxing Princess over there!” and Dixon will be like, “man, i’m too old for this…” and Spydaddy will just sit back watching with his arms crossed, glaring at Vaughn, muttering under his breath, “you were never good enough for my daughter, but i’d take you over Baby Hotness any day. oh! SarahK. how nice to see you. you look lovely, as always,” and Spydaddy will kiss me on the cheek. then Mistuh Sahhk will come by, kiss my hand, slip out the back door and escape again. and Anna Espinosa, who’s still rotting in CIA prison, will walk out and ask why no one brought her the latte she requested. and Jack will get it for her. Irina will show up, see Jack with Anna, kick Anna’s pinkytoe, and slap Sydney in the face. “why would you go for this guy over Bill Vaughn??!!” and Sydney will look confused, and finally it will be revealed that Vaughn’s name really isn’t Michael Vaughn, just like he said in season 4’s finale, and that he’s really Bill Vaughn, Michael Vaughn’s “father”.

Sydney will get all mad and go off on him about that whole bit in season 1 at the driving range when Vaughn gave her the sob story about his dad being killed as a CIA agent. and then she’ll say, “but how? my mom killed you!” and then Jack will say, “no! it was all a setup! Bill was working with Irina and they faked his death, because everyone on this show fakes their death! and to get you to trust Bill Vaughn and get the whole thing out in the open about your mom being a double agent, we staged that whole big CIA board meeting where everyone said your mom killed Vaughn’s dad!” and Sydney will be like, “who do you think you are, to come to me and act like a father, and tell me this stuff!” and Jack will be like, “oh get over yourself, we’re so tired of your mistreated daughter, mishandled agent, martyr act! it’s soooooo season 2!”

and Sydney will put a tremor in her voice and say, “…. mom? …. is all of this true?” and Irina will say, “well, duh!! what’d you think i meant when i said, ‘truth takes time’? i meant that your fiance is actually your future father-in-law! how thick can you be to not figure that one out?”

and Vaughn will be like, “Sydney, dump this little baby agent and be with me again. then you get to be with two superspies by just being with one!” and Sydney will be like, “whatever happened to my sister?” and everyone in unison will shout, “she’s not your sister! she’s your cousin!” and Sydney will be like, “whoa.”

it’ll be so much fun!

this is the first time i’ve done this in a long time. anyway, i’m watching the ALIAS finale now, so i’m going to make notes along the way…

S
P
O
I
L
E
R
S

* Frank, of course, notes that they’re using Dell computers.
* those are some major sepia tones.
* and we’re supposed to believe that wussy guy is the only guy left alive on his CIA team?
* why did they leave Weiss behind? Marshall i understand, but why is Weiss not in the field??
* on this show, LOL, WWJD stands for What Would Jack Do.
* bloodred horses and angels falling from the sky: Jack doesn’t understand that angels falling from the sky is them diving into the city to save it? so tonight the Chosen One and the Passenger clash, and one doesn’t survive. my question is: is Irina the Chosen One, or is it Sydney? Or is it Spydaddy, Master of the Universe?
* oh, and there’s the one-carrying moment for those of us who didn’t recognize Wussy McWussness from the season premier.
* i think their use of bullets on that homicidal feller was a bit excessive. i’da saved some of those. it only takes one accurate shot, goofy heads.
* so Vaughn has a secret that Irina wants him to tell Sydney. because he’s not as covert as he thinks he is. she doesn’t want them to end up like her and Jack… wha?
* wow, a sister loving moment while they’re trying to save the world. i don’t want to kill you, sister, let’s talk about me getting married.
* Weiss & Marshall working together is fun.
* so Nadia’s been attacked by the zombie thingies. and she and the bride are gonna have to come to punches. that’s not wedding punches either.
* that was a zen moment for me, when Jack punched Sloane.
* Elena always thought of Nadia as a daughter, just like Sloane always thought of Sydney as a daughter. awwww, that makes me warm and fuzzy. when evil people get mushy.
* Vaughn to Sydney: you run faster if i’m chasing you. LOL, it’s true. only she made it out the last time they ran away from a Mueller device, and he almost got dissected by Khasinau in France.
* the man who kidnapped Nadia was carrying a Walther. FYI.
* and little sis has gone crazy mad with sweet sweet Rambaldi water.
* Sloane shot Nadia, but that’s ok by him, because she is Jack’s daughter anyway.
* and they saved the day. deja vu, except this time Vaughn escaped.
* since Sydney brought down the greatest evil… does that mean the prophecy’s fulfilled and there’s no more Rambaldi? i don’t know how to live in ALIAS world without Rambaldi. say it ain’t so.
* Sloane blames himself for the whole thing. that’s sweet. he’s right.
* and let’s not be fooled. Sloane is still evil.
* SANTA BARBARA!!! it’s about stinking time they got there. of course, they’re supposed to get married on the beach in Santa Barbara.
* !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT??!!! NOT MICHAEL VAUGHN????
i hope his name isn’t for real Ben Affleck.

well done, JJ. i hope we have till January to conjecture. sweet pizza, that’s a great cliffhanger. thank you.

Arvin Clone, Marvin Sloane, L-O-L!
And may I just commend Marshall Flinkman on his gralls when he looked at Sloane and told him very forcefully that Sloane must recuse himself from the Rambaldi investigation.

and i’m enjoying the camera work.

i wonder if the clone is taking provacillium. except that he’s not a good clone like Francie, but he’d probably know that Francie hates coffee ice cream.

UPDATE: i TOLD y’all that Sloane is Rambaldi. anyone who still disagrees after that display with the wrench and the blood is just not smart.

so i was bummed tonight on my way home, because i realized that i was 2 miles past seeing my odometer turn 111222. how cool would that have been? instead, i was stuck with 111224.

which is like the greatest number ever on an odometer.

11 + 12 + 24…. know what the total is? do ya? do ya?

sweet sweet 47. yay Rambaldi!

previously on ALIAS
Sydney and Anna Espinosa fought because Anna tried to get a little too friendly with Sydney, and Sydney took exception to Anna feeling on her like that. Syd and Nadia went on a sister-sister mission and fought Anna, who spied Spysista getting dirt on the scary bomb thingy. Anna shot Nadia in the back, because she’s a coward.

Sloane goes to visit Nadia in the hospital, and Sydney is standing by her sister’s room.
SLOANE: Sydney, I love you like a daughter.
SYDNEY: Oh, it’s you. Do your shoes need cleaning? I’d love to spit on them.
SLOANE: How’s she doing?
SYNDEY: A’ight.
SLOANE: The doctors put her in a coma?
SYDNEY: Yeah, it’s s’posed to help her or something. She has to stay that way at least 48 hours.
SLOANE: So what you’re saying is, she’s going to come out of her induced coma prematurely.
SYDNEY: Exactly… … I’m sorry.
SLOANE: Me too. I need her for my evil Rambaldi plans. It was Anna, right?
SYDNEY: Yeah, about that. Anna has the bomb now.
SLOANE [answering phone]: I said I’m not to be bothered… Oh. Alright, I’m coming.

Scary music plays while some nondescript CIA guys wheel in a hooded figure on a dolly. The hood is removed. Anthony Hopkins stops by for a cameo.

HOPKINS: Yo, what gives? Are you a cannibal? You know you shouldn’t eat people. Very poor source of fiber.
MISTUH SAHHK: I’m not a cannibal. I’m a supah-spy made of Jell-o. The straps and dolly ahh to make sure my slippery body doesn’t escape yet again from the CIA’s hands.
HOPKINS: How long do you suppose that will last?
SAHHK: Not long, actually. I’d say I’m due for an escape anytime now. Most likely this episode.
SLOANE: Pardon me, Sir Anthony, I’d like to speak to the prisoner.
HOPKINS: Of course. Chow. [exits]
SAHHK [gaping at Sloane]: This is… classic.
SARAHK [flitting in from the ultra-white ceiling]: True dat. I’m thinking Season Two classic, what about you?
SAHHK: Hello, you beautiful specimen. How’ve you been?
SARAHK: Fabulous, love. You?
SAHHK: The woman I love is dead, but you’re here now. What more can an evil escape ahhtist spy ask for?
SLOANE: Are the two of you finished?
SARAHK: Shut it, Sloane. You look beautiful, Sarkypooh.
SAHHK: As do you, love.

In another room…

DIXON: Is this really the only way to get intel on CRF?
JACK: What does that stand for, anyway?
DIXON: Uhhh… Classical Radio Frequency. These people really love the symphony.
JACK: You disagree with my methods, Mr. Dixon?
DIXON: Sloane has an agreement with the CIA. He’s not allowed to meet with bad people, Sark included.
JACK: What’s with the Robot Dixon act? That’s so Season Three. Anyway, Sark will only negotiate openly if he feels he’s speaking to his intellectual match. I don’t want to mess up my new haircut, and there are no other smart people here, except Marshall, and … well… anyway, Sloane is the only other option. As acting director, I take full responsibility.
DIXON: Hey, it’s kinda funny that Sloane is your boss again.
JACK: Leave my presence. Now.

Back in the interrogation room that looks like all the other APO rooms…

SARK: I think you’re so cool. This is like SD-6, except somewhat legal. Say, whaddaya say I escape, and you and I help Anna Espinosa escape?
SLOANE: Anna Espinosa isn’t in custody.
SARK: No, but she will be soon. We all miss Irina.
SLOANE: I killed your friends that tried to help you escape APO’s custody in Japan. Here are pictures.
SARK: You’re quite a good photographah. Did you study it?
SLOANE: No, but I studied executions. So what say you help us. Where’s the bomb?
SARK: The C-ahhh-F —
SLOANE: What’s that stand for?
SARK: Crunchy Rabbit Fahmahs. Anyway, they’re run by a man named Sanko.
SLOANE: The coffee guy?
SARK: Yes, he hates Stahbucks. Anyway, he’ll have the bomb soon.
SLOANE: And?
SARK: I’ll help you get the bomb. You have my wuhhd.
SLOANE: Oh, well, as long as I have your word, I trust you.
SARK: But I want a kiss from that lovely dish ovuh thehh.
SARAHK: My pleasure. [kisses Sahhk] See ya later.
SARK: Not if I see you fuhst, love.
SLOANE: SarahK–

SARAHK: You wish, freak.
SARK: Oh, one more thing. The love of my life [SarahK wretches off-screen] is dead, or so I hear. I want to see huh cryogenically frozen body look up at me and smile from huh grave. Let’s exhume huh.
SLOANE: Yeah, whatever.
SARK: There’s something else. But wait until the scene changes so the viewuhs can wonduh what it is.

Sydney and Vaughn talk about whether to trust Sark until Jack shows up and tells them that Sark wants to exhume Larvin’s body. Vaughn says fine, she’s dead to me anyway, and Sydney gets all mystified. Jack says that Sark wants Vaughn to open the casket and Sydney says what? And Vaughn says, that’s fine, I have nothing better to do today anyway.

Later, Sark is escorted to the sleek looking refrigerator room where his wife’s body is being kept.

SARK: So this is where you keep them, the evil dead double agents?
VAUGHN: Just the really bad ones. Keep ‘em cold and locked up tight.
SARK: Ahh those Sub-Zeros? I’ve been wanting to get one, but I’ve been a little … in prison.
VAUGHN: Of course they’re Sub-Zeros.

Vaughn opens the spy coffin and doesn’t look at his evil dead wife. Sark does, though, and starts crying.

SARK: She was so wondahful, such a sweet, family-oriented beauty. I miss ahh long walks along the beach, the trips to the orphanages to read to the children… she was such a loving woman.
VAUGHN: She fixed my dad’s watch. She was pure evil.
SARK: Look at the bullet holes in huhh body. Puhh-fect triangular pattuhn, some CIA spy must have shot huhh. I wondah who it could have been. What CIA spy hated huh and wanted huh dead?
VAUGHN: All of us who knew her.
SARK: True. But which had she betrayed?
VAUGHN: All of us.
SARK: True. She looks good for a dead woman.
SARAHK [entering from the ceiling]: Unbelievably good, actually. Like maybe she’s been cryogenically frozen for a few months…
SARK: It wouldn’t be as effective a scene if she was decaying, love. No one would feel sorry for me.
SARAHK: No one feels sorry for you anyway.

Vaughn snickers as SarahK flies away. Sark starts telling Vaughn how wonderful it was to be with Larvin, how he really liked to DO IT with her. Vaughn is thinking about SarahK and wondering when the scene will be over. Sark says, “If you want me to help you on your mission so I can escape, I insist that you look at your dead wife.” Vaughn says, “Okay, fine, I’ve already seen her dead. Right after I killed her,” and spits on her. Sark ponders for a minute then says, “Buhhn!”

Back at the hospital, Weiss and Sydney are all worried about Nadia, and Sloane is being cool about it.

SLOANE: Don’t worry, Sydney, it isn’t your fault.
SYDNEY: I know that, I didn’t shoot her.
SLOANE: It’s my fault.
SYDNEY: Everything bad in my life is your fault. You should feel horrible. How could you do this do your daughter? And is she really your daughter?
VAUGHN [through a cough]: Jack!
SYDNEY: What?
VAUGHN: I said, ‘that’s whack!’
SLOANE: Anyway, Sydney, Nadia won’t die.
SYDNEY: How do you know that?
SLOANE: Because the two of you have to fight to the death. Over your mother or something like that. Or maybe it’s over me. Or Jack.
SYDNEY: Whatever, freak. She’s critical right now.
SLOANE: Have faith in me — er, have faith in Rambaldi, Sydney.
SYDNEY: I have faith in Rambaldi. Faith that he and his number 47 plague me. Faith that he was wacko.

Just as Sydney is about to backhand Sloane for the fun of it, the hospital’s fire alarm goes off. The agents scatter, guns drawn, because that’s what people do when hospital fire alarms go off, they pull out their weapons.

SLOANE: Don’t worry, daughter Sydney, this is an SD-6 hospital! I’m sure it’s a cover!
SYDNEY: SD-6 is gone, you idiot! Anna Espinosa is behind this!

We see Anna running down the hall on her way to Nadia’s room, where she riddles Nadia’s bed with perfect CIA-triangle bullets. Funny, Nadia sleeps with her head covered. Then Anna grabs a firehose and plunges out a window, which has SarahK yelling, “She’s going to go back in the hospital through another level!” which isn’t a stretch for a theory but is wrong nonetheless.

Syd runs back to her sister’s room and discovers that Sloane has replaced her body with blood bags and moved her to another safer room that doesn’t have the Nadia nametag on the door.

They move Nadia back to APO, which has medical stuff. Sloane tells Jack that he wants Anna dead because she tried to kill Nadia. Jack says, “Arvin. Weren’t you spouting off some drivel about faith in Rambaldi? I ask you, Arvin, where. is your faith?” Sloane replies, “Whatever, I just said that to make Sydney uncomfortable. I love to watch her squirm.”

Spydaddy and Marshall watch the surveillance video from the Estonia mission in which Nadia was shot. They see Anna see Nadia hear where the chemical bomb is located. Jack says, “Well, that is convenient! That must be why Anna shot Nadia! It doesn’t have anything to do with Irina Derevko!”

Marshall says, “With all due respect, sir, um, uh, you’re not the most astu–”
“Mr. Flinkman, it would be erroneous for you to finish that sentence.”
“Yes sir, it would. I’m uhhhh, sor– I’ll just go, um, decrypt something. Sir.”

While Syd and Vaughn prepare for their mission with Sark, Jack asks the APO doctor if it’s really so bad for Nadia to wake up from her induced coma early. “Eh, not so bad, but not so good,” says the doctor.

Sark takes advantage of the mission and says that Sark and Sydney should pretend to be Sark and Larvin. Sark says that their contact never met Larvin so Sydney will be the perfect match. So Sydney dresses like Larvin, which means she puts on a blond wavy wig. If she really wanted to dress like Larvin, she should have pulled her blond hair so tight that her face botox’d itself. I wonder how Larvin ever got through a day with all the headaches the frau-buns must have caused. By the way, I just didn’t think it was possible for anyone to do a worse British accent than Melissa George, but then Sydney opened her mouth and I remembered. Just before the mission, Vaughn sees Syd in her Larvin getup and grimaces.

So they’re in a nightclub, in a stairwell, with blue lights, and I’m hoping for Gothic Vaughn, but no, just Nightclub Vaughn, but that’s ok. Sarvin and Sarkypooh go to meet Sanko, the bad bomb guy, and Vaughn watches from afar. To make it all real, Sarvin gives Sark a big ol’ kiss to take the lime out of his mouth or something, and she bites him real good in the process. Turns out that vampire episode had lasting ramifications!

Suddenly Sanko gets shot in the neck, and Sydney’s all mmmm… neck blood… and a chase begins! Anna is the shooter, and Sydney thinks Anna upstaging her is getting really old. Sydney handcuffs Sark to the stair railing so she can chase Anna, but oops! She used those tricksy magic handcuffs! And SarahK, watching from the ceiling, is yelling, “Don’t leave Sark unattended! You wait, Vaughn, until someone else gets there!” I wonder if Sark gets away!! duh-duh-dunnnnnnnn.

Syd & Vaughn chase Anna, who gets away, and they return to find Sark gone. SarahK flutters down and thumps Sydney on the forehead. “Stupid!” she yells, and Sydney pouts while Vaughn says, “You’re right, Guardian Butterfly Ambassador of Hot-Guy Protection, that was stupid!” Sydney punches Vaughn. Then Vaughn pulls out this tiny little toy remote so he can explode Sark’s head.

SYDNEY: No, you can’t! I’m sure he can give us some kind of false info sometime that will help us with some mission! He has to stay alive!
VAUGHN: That’s whack, Larvin! You just want him alive because you love him!
SYDNEY: My name is Sydney, can’t you tell underneath the bad wig? Besides, did Larvin look this hideous with blonde hair?
VAUGHN: Good point. Anyway, let’s kill him.

On the getaway boat, Anna tells Sark to hold still so she can do a little surgery on his neck.

SARK: My what? Why?
ANNA: Trust me, I know what I’m doing.
SARK: But you’re evil.
ANNA: So are you. Hold still, they put a bomb in your neck and will soon explode your cabeza.
SARK: How do you know that?
ANNA: Silencio!

SarahK dives to get the remote out of Vaughn’s hand while yelling, “Nooooooooooo!” but Vaughn is successful in pushing the button. But wouldn’t you know it? They’ve lost the signal! Back on the boat, Sark thanks Anna for being so intuitive. “Actually, the writers told me you had zee bomb in your neck.”

Sydney calls Jack to tell him they’ve lost Sark.

JACK: You’ve lost Sark? Again?
SYDNEY: Dad… I’m sorry. Maybe we can have dinner soon.
JACK: I’m really busy at work, overseeing several projects. I don’t have time for you. Anyway, you got Sanko, right?
SYDNEY: Dad… I’m sorry. Anna shot him.
JACK: Anna Espinosa is just a girl spy. You should be able to handle her.
SYDNEY: One more thing. Dad… I’m sorry. We lost the bomb as well.
JACK: Nevermind. I have a plan.

He hangs up with Sydney and has a brief conversation with Dixon, who tries to convince him of something or other. After Dixon leaves, Jack looks sneaky and sneaks into the APO medicine cabinet, where they have lots of vials of lots of drugs. Jack finds the vial he needs and goes to Nadia’s new not-fake room. He injects the good stuff into her IV, and she immediately inhales huge as if she couldn’t breathe before.

Anna and Sark have a romantic drink together in a room somewhere in Venice. Anna has decided to take over the Cardboard Rum Fairies organization, which is why she killed Sanko. Anna tells Sark that she now has the bomb and wants to sell it to someone Sark already knows. So they form a magnificent partnership and do pinky swears and all that.

Back at APO, Jack calls Sydney on his cell phone, because they don’t believe in landlines. He tells Syd that they know who is buying the bomb and that the exchange is to happen in Venice. Syd says, “Well, we’re already here, so I guess Vaughn and I can fornicate until time for the mission.” Jack cringes and crushes his phone in his hand until it is dust.

Meanwhile, it’s a miracle! Nadia has come out of her coma prematurely! So Weiss goes to visit her while Nadia’s doctor, who wasn’t watching her carefully, tells Sloane that someone has to have triggered the waking by giving her the good drugs. “And I want those drugs back! That was good speed, and someone stole it! I’m going to have to drink coffee now if you want me to work 24/7/365!”

In Venice, Anna and Sark meet their buyer outside in a well-sunlit courtyard where anyone can see them. Vaughn and Sydney watch from a nearby roof while the sale is made. Afterward, Sydney magically appears at ground-level and starts shooting. Vaughn chases the guy with the bomb, while Syd runs after Anna and Sark.

Vaughn and the bomb buyer fight, and Vaughn wins, but alas! The bomb is rolling away, rolling down the stairs just like Sydney’s plutonium in episode 1.3!! But whew! Vaughn catches the bomb just in time so it doesn’t explode and ruin the season. SarahK sighs relief.

Sark and Anna are scared of Syd, so they’re running away, and they make it to a super-fancy elevator with wrought-iron doors, and Sark ends up in the elevator but locks Anna out… “But…. but… we were friends! I helped your head not explode!”

Sark yells to Sydney. “Sydney, my love! I’m a man of my wuhhd. I led you to Anna and the bomb. We should kiss.” So Sydney and Anna must battle. A great chick fight it is, reminiscent of the Season 1 fights, and now Syd gets her revenge for Anna shooting Dixon and dropping Syd down a well. At the end of the fight, Syd slaps the plastic cuffs on Anna, and Anna is going to jail, because we need a Russian spy in CIA custody. Whee!

Vaughn and Sydney hug and get all mushy and congratulate each other on not getting dead.

Back at the black-ops mothership, Weiss does magic tricks for Nadia, and Syd comes in to say hi to sis, and all is happy in Nadia-Syd world.

But in Spydaddy-Sloanbaldi world, all is not happy.

JACK: Arvin, I am going to relinquish control of this operation back to you, as I ensured I would.
SLOANE: You pulled my daughter out of her coma early. You endangered her life. I wouldn’t do that to your daughter.
JACK: You put my daughter’s life at stake every day. [with a far-off look] I have an empty feeling in my stomach, something like hunger, I assume. Maybe some nice Italian food for dinner; yes, that will do. [end far-off look] What were you saying, Arvin? Oh, yes. Nadia can’t die yet, not until my daughter drops an anvil on her head in a few years. I ask you Arvin. Where. is your faith?
SLOANE: You already said that earlier. Listen, Jack. I made two deals before coming to work here at APO. One with the CIA, and one with you. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll not fail to uphold your end of the deal.
JACK: Deal… [turns his back] with the hand, Arvin. There’s a plate of Veal Marsala with my name on it.
SLOANE: It’s talk… to the hand.

Sloanebaldi glares at Jack, which hurts Jack really bad.

two things:

1. i got this email from a reader earlier [non-ALIAS-related portions deleted]. go buy his barbecue sauce.

1. I am upset with you. Because of your blog I have now netflixed the first two seasons of Alias, taking precious time away from my family, whom I love.

2. I am further upset with you because I finished season two last night and the TWO MISSING YEARS kept me up until 4am last night tossing. So yes, I am somewhat grumpy.

3. And lastly I am declaring jihad on you and your pinky toe because my wife had put her foot down and I had to let more of “her” movies through, meaning I won’t see the beginning of Season 3 until Saturday at the earliest. Forcing me to suffer endlessly

Woe is me.

poor thing.

2. oh, and this is a spoiler, big big spoiler that even i haven’t predicted yet in my many many predictions that i throw out every Wednesday night when Frank & i watch ALIAS together. i have been spoiler-free since i started blogging about ALIAS because i think i snark funnier that way. anyway, i had no choice but to see the spoiler, as a reader emailed me and said to go to a certain place on the internet and read a certain thing and i would be happy… which made me predict what his spoiler would be… which made me go check this certain place on the internet to see if i was correct, because i always have to know if i’m right…. so anyway, LAURA, if you want a great great spoiler that you will bounce around over… go here and scroll down to TV!!

3. i know i said there were 2 things. i don’t care.

4. i’m presently snarking 4.9, and i’m almost finished, just have to write the last scene. tomorrow. i promise. i don’t promise what time tomorrow.

i cannot wait to snark tonight’s episode!! it was so ripe for snarking. so i’m gonna do that one before i go catch up on the others. expect it soon.

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from the picture i woulda sworn that was Will Tippin.

* sigh *

I WANT WILL TIPPIN BACK!!

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so the Russian guy that gets dead at the beginning… where do i know him from? i know he’s been in an ALIAS episode before. i wanna say his name was previously Vasiliy, but i don’t know why i think that. so. he was in one of the episodes with Russians is what i’m thinking. and one of Vaughn’s contacts. UPDATE: interesting, a google/imdb later, it turns out the actor that played him is also credited with playing Valenko/Calder in 1.19 Snowman (my second least favorite ALIAS episode ever, only behind Blahback from Season 3. i mean Blowback. whatever.). but then another actor is credited with playing Calder later when the Snowman is offing Calder. i seem to recall this guy from something else… oh wait. Yevhen in The Italian Job, which i have on DVD and have watched a thousand times. that must be why i know him. carry on, nothing to see here.

btw, LOL at “i’m not the one you need to worry about.”

um, Evergreen? what a wussy and goofy call sign. why not just say “i heart Barbra Streisand and hear her music in my head all day long…”

one more thing. this is a great season, and i’m loving how cruel Syd can be to Sloane, but come. on. give me a cliffhanger, JJ! give me fewer feel-good sista moments and

ok wait. i was writing that before i heard David Gray music. you play David Gray and make it all better.

p.s. Weiss is gonna get his heart broken. i’m getting sad just thinking about how wonderful it’s gonna be.

OH! MY! JJ! ABRAMS!

ANNA ESPINOSA AND MISTUH SAHHHK BACK!! JJ, HOW I LOVE YOU!!

Previously on ALIAS

The second half of the season premier, Syd goes back to work as a subway operator, or goes into the subway tunnel to get into APO; I’m unclear on that. Sloane is there waiting for her.

SYDNEY: Hello, you worthless son of a –

SLOANE: Sydney, how wonderful to see you. I love you like a daughter, and it’s so good to see that we’re back to our old ways. We always had such a wonderful rapport.
SYDNEY: Do you have anything useful to say?
SLOANE: Yes. Vadik, the nice, er, mean evil man with the wicked cool, um, terrible bad unstable ion? Well, we know someone who tracked him a while back. I want you to go talk to that person.
SYDNEY: Who is it? Is it Anna Espinosa? Say, whatever happened to her anyway?
SLOANE: That’s classified, Sydney. Actually, it’s an Argentine agent.
SYDNEY: The last time I saw Anna Espinosa, we were at Mount Aconcogua on the Chile/Argentina border… so like I said. Is it Anna?
SLOANE: No, but you’re warmer. One of this agent’s parents is Russian, just like Anna’s.
SYDNEY: Oh. Nadia. Listen, she’s your daughter, why don’t you go talk to her? I’m tired of travelling.
SLOANE: She doesn’t like me so much. We went searching for the dead end from last season’s finale, and she decided she doesn’t like Rambaldi, or equations, or being forced to do things against her will by her newly reconciled evil father. Plus, she’s your sister.
SYDNEY: So what happened with the Rambaldi thing you went searching for? Did it say “Peace” and fly far far away, taking all of season three with it? Because good riddance.
SLOANE: I gave it to the CIA.
SYDNEY: And bought your new job.
SLOANE: Something like that. Go debrief your sister.
~~~
At APO, Jack engages Vaughn in conversation.

JACK: Hello, Mr. Vaughn.
VAUGHN: I’m DOING IT with your daughter again.
JACK: I could snap your neck with my thumb and forefinger.
VAUGHN: I know.
JACK: You need to talk to Sydney. Perhaps it time you told her the truth.
VAUGHN: What truth? That Irina’s not really dead?
JACK: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
VAUGHN: Oh, ok, JJ.
JACK: The other truth.
VAUGHN: The real reason they got rid of “flesh” colored Crayolas?
JACK: It’s pointless talking to you. You were never good enough for my daughter.
VAUGHN: I’m not doing your dirty work for you. And I know Sydney’s not talking to you, and I think I know why.
JACK [rolling eyes]: You’re not the sharpest knife in the drawer, so I doubt it.
VAUGHN: Where is SarahK?
SARAHK [dropping from the ceiling]: Sorry, hot stuff, this one’s hard for me to pick. Jack is so sexy when he’s annoyed by your existence. On the other hand, Jack, Vaughn’s got the eyes and the scruff going for him. And when he actually stands up to you, grrrrrowl. Carry on, fellas. Is there a concession stand?
VAUGHN: I know what Syd must have found out in Wittenburg. She’s gonna need some extra good lovin’ from me tonight.
JACK: I have to go. [leaves]
VAUGHN: You look lovely, Guardian Butterfly Ambassador of Hot Guy Protection.
SARAHK: Thanks. See ya later.
VAUGHN: Not if I see you first, love.
~~~

Sydney goes to Argentina to find her sister, who is reveling at the beach with friends. They spot each other from afar and get all sister-eyed. They have a mushy hug.

SYDNEY: I’m not sure I should hug you, because you and I are supposed to fight to the death.
SPYSISTA: Yeah, it does seem like we should turn and walk 20 paces.
SYDNEY: I’d prefer to kickbox it if you don’t mind.
SPYSISTA: Ok, whatever. You have a reason to come see me?
SYDNEY: Your evil bad dad whom I hate is my boss again. He sent me here to debrief you about a man named Vadik. Do you know who he is?
SPYSISTA [getting misty-eyed]: No one meets Vadik, they only meet his henchman, Tomazaki.
SYDNEY: That’s a stupid name.
SPYSISTA: True dat. Anyway, Vadik is really bad. And Tomazaki, he killed my partner. Here’s a picture so you can feel sad for me. And I’m gonna cry a little, okay? It’ll be a nice bonding moment for us.
SYDNEY: Yes. I feel warm and fuzzy. Anyway…
SPYSISTA: Tomazaki’s into Samurai stuff. He tried to steal a sword from a museum in London.
SYDNEY: I’m glad you told me that, because we need a mission for this episode, and I haven’t broken into a museum in a while. Bye Sis.
SPYSISTA: Adios.
~~~

Back in LA, Syd is at her apartment, and Jack shows up.

JACK: We’re not communicating, Sydney.
SYDNEY: It’s because I’m ignoring your communications.
JACK: This isn’t going to work.
SYDNEY: Speaking of not working, I wonder if Vaughn ever re-broke his dad’s watch after his evil wife had it fixed.
JACK: That doesn’t concern me. What concerns me is whether you told your sister my big secret.
SYDNEY: YOU don’t concern me. You’re a mean man, and I’m mad at you all over again. If I ever invite you to dinner, you’d better not stand me up and make me hear Sarah McLachlan in my head.
JACK: I do not understand your words.

Vaughn shows up with Sydney’s groceries, Jack leaves, and Vaughn inquires.

VAUGHN: What’d he do this time? He’s always messing things up.
SYDNEY: Come over here and snuggle me so I can cry properly and make everyone sad.
VAUGHN: Yes ma’am.
SYDNEY: Your evil wife gave me the number of a safety deposit box in Wittenburg, so I went there.
VAUGHN: That was stupid. Syd, what if it was a bomb? Larvin’s rage would have darkened you… or flattened you.
SYDNEY: But then we wouldn’t have had a season-ending cliffhanger, and what would the fans have done for 8 months?
VAUGHN: Rewatched the Seasons 1 and 2 DVDs. Anyway, what was in the box?
SYDNEY: Some stuff about my dad. He requested permission to kill my mom, got permission, and whacked her.
VAUGHN: And you think she’s really dead.
SYDNEY: Uh-huh. Otherwise, I wouldn’t get to have a big cry scene. So she’s dead for sure.
VAUGHN: Wow. I thought I was the clueless one. This is classic JJ. CLASSIC! She’s not dead, Syd. She’s spending time with her family and doesn’t want to rejoin the show right now.
SYDNEY: That’s crazy talk.

Syd jumps off the emotional roller coaster for a few minutes so she can receive her mission at APO. There’s a briefing…

JACK: Tomazaki is a-scared of us.
SYDNEY: I’m not scared of you.
JACK: Yeah, well you should start being scared of me.
SLOANE: How’sabout we use the samurai sword as bait.
SYDNEY: You want me to steal it.
SLOANE: How’d you guess?
SYDNEY: Oh, I don’t know. I seem to remember luring Kasinau and Friends with a certain vial of Rambaldi fluid once upon a time.
VAUGHN: Oh yeah. That’s the time I let Mistuh Sahhk slip through my fingers.
JACK: The time?
VAUGHN: One of the times.
DIXON: There’s no way we can steal the sword. Unless we have a super duper nerdy techie to help us.
SYDNEY: Where ever would we find one of those? Any ideas, Dad?
JACK: You don’t have the clearance to hear my ideas.
DIXON: Hmm, I know who we could get!

~~cue the duh-duh-duhhhhhhh music~~

back at the previous mothership…

MARSHALL: Hey, Weiss. I’m really bored and miss all the cool people.
WEISS: Hey! I’m cool, what about me?
MARSHALL: You’re not that astute, so it’s hard to carry on a conversation with you. Isn’t it weird, though? None of the people I’ve known for years are here. I even went down and visited Sark in his cell a couple of times just to see a familiar face.
WEISS: What? No.
MARSHALL: We had eggs.
WEISS: Don’t do that.

Later, Marshall is on his way to the car when he is surrounded by suits.

MARSHALL: Uh… um, hey. Please don’t kill me.
SUITS: Marshall Flinkman?
MARSHALL: That’s my name, don’t wear it out.
SUITS: You’re under arrest for being a complete geek.
MARSHALL: But I’m a loveable geek, doesn’t that count for something?
SUITS: … No. Did you attach this device to CIA computers?
MARSHALL: I’ve never seen it before in my life.
SUITS: Then why is there a sticker on it that says ‘This Playstation belongs to Marshall Flinkman’?
MARSHALL: Um… he’s my… twin?

So the scary suit guys take Marshall to see his old friends. He looks around APO and notices all the friendly faces, and then he sees Sloane and becomes afraid.

MARSHALL: Sydney… Sloane is here.
SYDNEY: Don’t get me started.

Sydney goes to London to steal the sword to lure out Tomazaki. Dixon and Marshall are on comms and surveilance while Vaughn is looking all hot wiring into the surveillance system. Marshall is so excited to have the gang back together again.

MARSHALL: Dixon, it’s so great to be back with you, working in the field. Now Sloane’s in charge again just like when we worked at SD-6, Sydney hates Jack, and you, you’re not [does the Robot] Robot Dixon anymore like you were last season.
DIXON: Marshall, don’t you have an apple fritter to eat? I’m growing tired of you.
MARSHALL: Already? Carrie said the same thing after our first week of marriage, but I thought it was because she was breastfeeding. That would make anyone cranky. Are you breastfeeding, Dixon?
DIXON: Stop talking.
MARSHALL: Yes sir.

Sydney does her thing and steals the sword. We think she’s * gasp * going to be in trouble, because a guard is coming! And how ever will Sydney get herself out of this predicament! What will she ever do?? Will anyone help her??

The guard finally shows up! Sydney … she … she … I can’t believe it! She smacks him down and knocks him out and starts to leave with the sword! But wait! It’s not over, and this is shocking! Shocking! Things get really interesting when the unconscious guard’s Coca-Cola (shout out to the big C-C, btw) rolls across the floor and — oh no!! Across the security warning line!! Which sets off an alarm!! And Syd, she almost doesn’t make it out!! But wait!! She’s still being pursued, and she runs outside where a dark, unmarked car pulls up beside her!! And it’s … it’s Spydaddy!! Master of the Universe!!

But wait!! I don’t remember anyone getting hit with a car antenna! And where is Sydney’s red wig?? And why did she call him “Dad” and not “Daddy”?

Back at the pristine new shiny mothership…

The crew comes back from a successful mission, and Jack and Sloane are in conversation.

JACK: Sydney’s being a complete witch to me. Has she ever been mean to you? It’s hurtful.
SLOANE: Jack, I love Sydney like a daughter. And she hates me even more than you, so yes. I know how much it hurts when Sydney is mean to you. Feels like an icicle stabbing you in the eye, doesn’t it?
JACK: Precisely. Just like the idiot child in A Christmas Story.
SLOANE: You shot your eye out.
JACK: Indeed.
SLOANE: How did that happen? Did you tell Sydney the truth?
JACK: The truth about Irina? That’s she’s still alive and JJ is just pulling a fast one on everyone?
SLOANE: No, the other truth.
JACK: Oh. The [makes quote motions] “truth”. No, that would be unbearable, and I’d rather she hate me than hate her evil mother. It makes the show better, especially since Lena Olin still won’t come back to the show.

In Brussels, Dixon meets with Tomazaki’s henchman to tell him they have the sword, while, long story short, it turns out that Tomazaki is Vadik, and we have another mission!! In the see-thru briefing room…

DIXON: Yeah, they want the sword. The only catch is that they want Sydney to deliver it.
SYDNEY: I would anyway. I haven’t kicked me a bad guy’s butt in a day or two.
DIXON: He says you can only have one backup.
JACK: That shouldn’t be me.
SYDNEY: That shouldn’t be Mr. Bristow.
SLOANE: Sydney, you’ll go to Rio to give Tomazaki the sword. Jack, you’ll be her backup. Naturally.
SYDNEY: This should make for some good tension.
SLOANE: That’s why Jack’s going with you.
JACK: Wait, it’s not because I’m the strongest, most handsome, and most powerful? That’s whack.
SYDNEY: I’d rather have Vaughn.
VAUGHN: Besides, I think we’d all agree that while you may be the most powerful, Jack, you’re hardly the strongest or the most handsome.
DIXON: Thank you, Vaughn.

Syd and Jack go to Rio for the great sword caper, because that’s where Nadia is, and she might need to help out later. Or maybe it’s because that’s where Tomazaki wants to meet; same difference. :-) Marshall and Dixon are nearby conducting surveillance, and father and daughter aren’t speaking. The payphone nearby rings, and Syd is summoned into a building to meet Tomazaki. “I’m going in alone,” she says, and Jack replies, “Yeah, I’m not much in the mood for strangling people today anyway.”

Syd goes into the building, and it gets really creepy, and Marshall freaks out and starts yelling, because it’s all a trap!! Vaughn and Jack run inside and point guns at each other, and Jack hesitates for just a minute before lowering his gun. Vaughn says, “You wanted to shoot me, huh?” “You were never good enough for my daughter. And SarahK sometimes chooses you over me.” Meanwhile, Syd has been attacked from behind…

Vaughn, Dixon, Marshall and Jack play tiddly winks for a while, and Vaughn decides to call Nadia.

NADIA: Michael. I thought you’d never call. You’re ready to leave Sydney for me?
VAUGHN: Uh… um… I’m calling because… wow, lost my train of thought. I can’t leave Sydney for you. I’ll pay for the next five years for the whole Larvin debacle. If I dated her sister, too, she’d likely just kill me.
NADIA: Suit yourself. What do you want?
VAUGHN: I told you, woman!! I want Sydney!! And I want to live!!
NADIA: Do you need my help with a mission?
VAUGHN: Oh, that. Yes. Your sister’s in trouble.

Elsewhere, Tomazaki has Sydney strapped to a chair, and he’s torturing her by filling her face mask with water so she can’t breathe. Spysista is in the building though, and she knocks a guy out just by kissing him, which has Vaughn slapping his forehead and exclaiming, “Doofus!”

Tomazaki wants to chit-chat with Sydney so Nadia will have enough time to get there and interrupt. Tomazaki finds it interesting that Syd just happens to be the person that stole the sword from the museum; as it turns out, he had a contract to kill her a little bit ago. She asks why he didn’t off her, and he says that the person who contracted him died the day before the hit, so he backed off.

Sydney puts on her “I have the worst life in the history of man” face and asks who took out the contract, to which Tomazaki responds with some more water in the face. This time, he leaves the water on like he was born in a barn and decides to get out of there. Just in time, Nadia busts in and saves her sister from certain death! Sydney runs after Tommy, and they decide to fight to the death. Syd impales him with the ancient sword, which has Sloane cringing over cleaning bills. Just as Tommy is dying, Sydney asks again who took the contract out on her life, and he tells her that it was Irina Derevko.

Back in L.A., Sloane pumps up the team with a well-done speech. He’s all happy because Spysista is joining the team. But later, Syd and Jack have an awkward silence together.

JACK: Sydney…
SYD: Dad. You killed mom to keep her from having me killed. I’m gonna have to be cold and bitter toward you for that.
JACK: Sydney… You should let me hug you so I can feel like your dad. Everyone’s watching. How ’bout it?
SYD: Don’t touch me.
JACK: You’re so difficult.

Syd walks away and cries alone in the tunnel, because it’s much better to cry alone than to have others around for you. Besides, when you’re crying alone, you have a better shot of getting Michael Vaughn to walk up and give you a nice juicy hot-guy hug.

Later, Weiss comes by Syd’s place, and she tells him that she now works at a bank as a loan officer. Weiss says, “What? Your old SD-6 cover story?” “Yeah, I’m good at it.” “And I’m stupid enough to believe you, so wow! You work at a bank!”

Nadia comes over, and Weiss is shooed out the door, much to his chagrin. Nadia asks if they can talk about Irina, so Sydney says, “We can’t talk here about our mother. We have to fly half-way around the world for that. Get your coat.”

They fly to Russia, and Sydney shows Nadia where Irina is “buried”. Nadia vows to kill whoever was responsible for Irina’s death, and Syd says, “That’s a great idea.”

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wheeeeeee!!! they’re playing hockey!!!!
and Vaughn has my phone.
wow, and Sydney sure is an idiot to be such a genius.

ok. this episode is scaring me. i don’t like it.
but Jack and Syd in the van, it did play out like one of my rewrites, an alternate ALIAS universe. and now i’m really creeped out.

poor Frank had to listen to me squeal with glee over Dixon’s little conversation with Sloane.

this was a 2 hour premier, so i have to break the review into two parts. and a big thanks to TwoEvilMonks for the screen caps that helped me remember in the absence of my DVR.

Frank, you’ve probably never read my ALIAS stuff before. i should warn you ahead of time of the drooling. and gushing. sorry, sweetie. anyway. we shall start off this review with our first letter of the season to JJ Abrams.

Dearest JJ,

I’d like to thank you for Vaughn in glasses. Also for Dixon in the field and Marshall joking about how boring Dixon was for most of last season; that’s funny right there, i don’t care who ya are. And for finally giving Weiss a possible love interest; I sure hope you’ll do more with him and make him not so clueless. I’d also like to thank you for the season premiere of ALIAS giving me warm fuzzies by taking me back to 2.13 PHASE ONE; I remember back then, when ALIAS made me so happy.

Kudos on making the premier so much like PHASE ONE that when Sydney was hanging off the cargo net on the train, I said aloud to folks in my livingroom, “Hey, this is gonna be one of those 72 hours earlier things!” I felt smart and stuff.

I don’t have any tough love for you this week, JJ, as I’m intrigued about where this might take us. I only have one question: You’re going to do something about Weiss, right? Because I know he’s not so clueless that he’ll buy Sydney’s “I work at a bank” story for long; plus, you’ve got to develop his character into more than just “I’m the goofy sidekick” guy.

Thanks for the promising events of AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY. It has such potential!! Whee!

Love,
SarahK

p.s. Love the new digs for the black ops gang; it’s like SD-6!!

~~~
The episode begins with Sydney in white lingerie with a stranger.

SYD: Excuse me sir. I’m going to say some things in this funky hybrid accent to trick you into giving me your dangerous device.
DUMB GENIUS: Hmm. The only dangerous thing I have with me is this unstable isotope. And it’s so dangerous!! Should I be stupid and give it to you?
SYD: Oui. Thanks, you’re a gem.

She headbutts him, takes the isotope and starts running down the train corridor, I guess looking for an exit. She runs into someone evil and works some kung fu magic; but he’s evil, so he kung fus back. They fight for a while, and she ends up hanging out of the train on a cargo net; the evil man starts cutting the cargo net, and just as Sydney is going to fall into the deep …

it’s 72 hours earlier, “American Woman” starts playing, and Sydney is running through the park in Los Angeles!

oh, sorry. flashback.

it’s 72 hours earlier, some ALIAS music is playing, and Sydney is running through the streets of Shanghai in a teeny bopper neckid outfit with some guy we’ve never met before. they duck into a Goth club, and i start sighing and wishing for Gothic Vaughn to reappear. Anyway, they lock themselves in the girls’ bathroom, and the guy we’ve never met starts crying.

NEW GUY: But Sydney, I really have to pee! And look how dirty the toilets are! And those sinks, I’m sure I can’t use them, they’re vile!
SYDNEY [fishing a comms device out]: Shut yer whining and guard the door! Guy on the receiving end of this mic, do you copy?
OTHER AGENT: I copy, you stupid head! You just got me caught, and I think they’re gonna kill me!
SYDNEY [hearing gun shots]: Oops, my bad. Good luck with your funeral!
WHINY: Did you just get that guy shot?? Oh no!! They’re gonna know where we are!! I’m scared and would like a fluffy pillow, please!
SYDNEY [taking grease from the window frame]: No, there’s no time for fluffy pillows! Come here, I’m gonna make you look all sexy!! Or… stupid. But either way, it’ll save your life!
WHINY: No!! I only wear makeup when I go out with my sewing club on Saturday nights!! It’s Thursday!!
SYDNEY: You’ll do as I say, or I’ll karate chop you!!

She paints his face up, and he doesn’t look like Gothic Vaughn. I’m sad. :-( Sydney tells Whiny that she has to pierce his ear; he whines some more and says, “No! Please, pierce my belly button, I’ve been wanting to have it done!” She punches him and pierces his ear while he’s distracted by the pain. A really urgent Chinese girl bangs on the bathroom door and starts screaming like the shrill kids on Nanny 911. Sydney unlocks the door and pulls her inside.

SYDNEY: Give me your clothes and your wig, and I might let you pee!
CHINESE GIRL: No! I’m natural blonde, you can’t have hair!
SYDNEY: I really need your clothes so I can escape, and you can die in my place.
CHINESE GIRL: How much you pay me?
SYDNEY: Shut up.

Cut to Whiny agent and Sydney leaving the bathroom incognito… er, incognito.

Back at the mothership in LA, Sydney is talking to Director Chase (Angela Bassett), and Whiny boy is sitting there too.

CHASE: Sydney, you’ve been super bad. You broke protocols and got people killed.
SYD: Whatever. Sorry ’bout your ear, Whiny Boy.
WHINY: You scared me.
CHASE: You’re too big a risk for the Agency now. You get people killed.
SYD: What of it? I’ve got a manicure appointment. Are we done?
CHASE: You’re done. You’re demoted to the place at Langley where they handle interoffice communications.
SYD: You’re demoting me to the mailroom?
CHASE: Not just the mailroom. The interoffice. mailroom. Which is way more boring.
SYD: I quit, then. Let Whiny Crybaby here be your next superspy. [rolls eyes]
WHINY: If I’m a superspy, do I have to wear black a lot? I look better in green.

~~~
Vaughn and Weiss are talking in the locker room after Vaughn’s workout and Weiss’s spectating. In flies a 5-ft. butterfly in purple Spandex and sequined flip-flops. It’s SarahK, Guardian Butterfly Ambassador of Hot Guy Protection.

WEISS AND VAUGHN: SarahK!
SARAHK: Hiya, fellas. Grrrrrowl, Sweaty Vaughn, you’re lookin’ good. You too, Weiss.
WEISS: Thanks. I gave up all the foods I love. I’m miserable, but I look great. I was just about to ask Vaughn how he’s doing after the month of psych-eval he’s been through.
VAUGHN: But I’d rather talk about you, SarahK. You’re looking lovely, as always.
SARAHK: Thanks, it’s the humidity in Florida. Makes my skin nice and moist. Anyway, wow. A month of psych-eval just for killing your wife?
WEISS: He burned down his house, too.
VAUGHN: I didn’t like the wallpaper. Anyway, psych-eval was annoying. They kept asking me how I felt about my wife being evil and smarmy.
WEISS: Word of the Day calendar?
VAUGHN: Yep. Anyway, I’m done being evaluated. Oh, and I’m quitting the agency.
WEISS: Why?
VAUGHN: Because last year sucked!
SARAHK: Amen!
WEISS: If you quit, who’m I gonna talk to?
SARAHK: What about Marshall? I miss him.
WEISS: Wait, Vaughn, is this about Sydney?
VAUGHN: No, I haven’t talked to her. I heard she pierced Whiny Boy’s ear. I hope it hurt, that guy’s such a baby.
WEISS: Sydney quit today, too.
VAUGHN: I don’t have a response. Cut to the next scene.
~~~

Sydney gets on a subway train and really ponders the key card in her hand. She leaves the subway, sneaks around and goes through an Authorized Personnel Only door; she flips a bunch of switches, and her crazy process opens the door to a long corridor. At the end of the long corridor is none other than Director Chase.

SYDNEY: Wow, I totally thought you were demoting me for real. I hate interoffice mail.
CHASE: You were pretty convincing, too. Nice little jab about my age, too.
SYDNEY: Um… that was in the script, blame JJ.
CHASE: Already keyed his car in the parking lot. By the way, I didn’t give you all the details about the job.
SYDNEY: Oh really? I’m surprised by that. All of my CIA experience has involved me being in the loop on everything. Especially when I worked for that black ops division that turned out to not be CIA at all… heeeeeeyyyy… this is black ops! Should I trust you?
CHASE: Of course you should. Now meet your new coworkers.
SYDNEY: I hope there’s a girl, because I really need a new friend, since Francie’s dead and Will’s in witness protection. Anyway, as long as I’m not working for Sloane, it’ll be fine.
CHASE: Um, you know Marcus Dixon?
DIXON: Hey, Baby, we’re back! You and me, workin’ the spy biz, girl! I’m back in the field!
SYDNEY: Thank goodness, you were such a drag last season.
DIXON: You know your dad, right?
SYDNEY: Kinda mad at you right now.
JACK: Hi, Sweetheart. You remember your former lover. Michael Vaughn, who’s just a boy who was never good enough for you.
SYDNEY: Hi, Hotness. You look good unshaven.
VAUGHN: I miss you. Say, who’s our new boss?
CHASE: You were all handpicked.
SYDNEY: Handpicked by whom?
SLOANE: That would be me. How ya doin’, Syd?!? It’s so good to see you! I love you like a daughter.

Sydney tries to strangle Sloane, but Vaughn pulls her off of him. “Syd! Don’t let your rage darken you!” Syd backs off and asks to speak to Director Chase alone.

SYD: Uh uh.
CHASE: Uh huh.
SYD: No way.
CHASE: Yes way.
SYD: I’m not doin’ it.
CHASE: You’re doin’ it.
SYD: I don’t love you.
CHASE: What’s love got to do with it. Do your job.
SYD: E-M-E-T-I-B.
CHASE: Blast it. I wasn’t expecting that. By the way, it’s your job to keep an eye on Sloane and make sure he’s not up to something. See ya later.
SYD: Not if I see you first, love.

Syd rejoins the others.

SYD: So. Whadda we call ourselves?
VAUGHN: How ’bout “Season One Redux”?
JACK: That’s sooo 1990s. I vote for “All the People Irina Eluded”. A-P-I-E. A pie. I like pie. Especially Lemon Creme.
SLOANE: I’ve already named it. The name is right on the door.
SYD: High Voltage? We’re called “High Voltage”? That’s kinda cool, like a heavy metal band.
SLOANE: Wish I’d thought of that. However, I’ve already had “Authorized Personnel Only” printed on the business cards. Which you may never hand out.
SYD: What’s my cover story? Something lame like, “I work at a bank”?
SLOANE: Perhaps I should have thought outside the box. You work at a bank.

Sloane tells everyone all about APO and that the CIA wanted their own SD-6 except not evil. Something about bad bureaucratic red tape and evading that and stuff. “But this time we’re legal and have even cooler digs and a plasma screen.” Sloane details the mission like he’s all in charge and whatnot, probably because he is in charge and whatnot. We learn what Sydney was doing on the train at the beginning in 72 hours from now, or whatever. A rogue Russian physicist has an unstable isotope that’s in a suitcase that’s rigged (of course!).

SLOANE: So Sydney, you’ll have to get him to open the suitcase and give you the isotope. Use your feminine wiles or something. Vaughn, you’ll pretend to be the guy and fake like you’re selling the isotope so we can ID the buyer. When you get in trouble, Sydney can speed up her process and almost get killed because you screwed something up.
JACK: What about me? Can I go? I do a good Belarussian accent.
SLOANE: Maybe we can go golfing.
JACK: In Belarus, I hope.
SLOANE: Sydney, Vaughn, go prepare the op-tech with… um… oops, forgot to get an op-tech guy. Anyway, good luck.

Sydney tells Dixon in private that she’s really suspicious of Sloane.

DIXON: I don’t know why, Syd. The guy’s been evil for 30 years, and you’re supposed to have a fight to the death with his daughter. What’s suspicious about that?
SYD: I don’t know, Dixon, you killed his wife and he killed yours back. No reason for you to be suspicious either. I’m sure everything is on the up and up.
SLOANE: Hey, kids. Sorry to intrude. I was wondering if you’d just give me a chance, Syd. You know, I love you like a daughter.
SYD: You have been a plague on my existence.
SLOANE: Ok, then. Have fun on your mission. And come back safe, because I’d miss you.
SYD: Anyway. Dixon, I’m so glad you’re gonna be back in the field. You complete me.
DIXON: Same here, Syd.

Syd goes home to get ready for the mission, and Vaughn drops by.
SYD: Hi. I love you.
VAUGHN: I miss you. I wanted to say that I miss you.
SARAHK: Awwwww. Go to Santa Barbara!!
VAUGHN: We can’t, Syd has to go wear lingerie for a complete stranger.
SARAHK: Bummer. Do you have to go? Wanna catch a movie?
SYD: Vaughn. Maybe you should go to the movie with SarahK. You and I should take it slow.
VAUGHN: Wanna DO IT later? After the mission?
SYD: I’m gonna say no, but just remember. No means yes. See you later.
VAUGHN: Not if I see you first, love.

Later, on the train, Syd pretends to be booked into the same room as the clueless engineer and asks if she can go change in the bathroom. “Oh, yes, please. Do you need help?” She goes away, and comes back in her white lingerie to the tune of “Back in Black”. No, wait. Another flashback.

Vaughn, meanwhile, is meeting with bad bad guys, and he’s wearing glasses. I am drooling and yelling “Good Robot!!” Vaughn sits down for his meet, and an evil man questions him but recognizes him. “I’m not sure why you look familiar. Are you an American spy?” “No, I’m a physi… psycho… pharma… doggone. I do engineering type stuff. With isotopes and things.” The evil guy calls over his bodyguard, who looks an awful lot like this guy that broke Sydney’s arm in Corsica. The bodyguard stops Vaughn while the evil guy escapes with the fake isotope. Vaughn tells Sydney (through her earpiece) to get out of there. She grabs her ear, gets the isotope from Clueless, throws on some clothes, and runs to the cargo hold, where she fights with the generic evil guy.

Meanwhile, Vaughn fights the huge bodyguard and wins, because he’s taken on some special isotopic superpowers since killing his evil wife. His rage has not darkened him. He gets to the cargo hold just in time, and he throws the generic evil guy off the train and saves Sydney. They hug really tightly, and he says, “Say, could you not wear your hair that color? It really reminds me of Larvin, and I don’t want to shoot you or burn down your house.”

They go back to Sydney’s house and DO IT for a long time, and I’m muttering something about her being easy and forgiving him awful quickly for marrying that wretched witch when Sydney was undead.

When they’re done fornicating, Vaughn gives Syd a message from Jack and asks why Jack is talking to her through him. “I dunno, I didn’t think he liked you so much. Maybe he feels like y’all have bonded since you were married to a traitor, just like him.” Vaughn asks Syd what happened in Wittenburg at the end of Season 3.

SYD: Well, I was hoping we would just ignore everything about Season 3, wipe the slate clean, pretend I just got finished fighting Evil Francie and woke up in Hong Kong… except without you married.
VAUGHN: Does that mean you’re not gonna tell me?
SYD: Yeah, pretty much.

Syd flashes back to Wittenburg and remembers seeing the super secret project that Jack was in charge of. It began on her birthdate… when Jack walks in and says, “Sydney. You were never supposed to have seen this. That’s why I wrote Top Secret on the front of it. You don’t have the clearance.”

SYD: Vaughn.
VAUGHN: Yes.
SYD: You don’t have the clearance.

S
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a 47 reference!
um.. Vaughn.. assembling a gun fast.. * sigh *
oh. Vaughn. Santa Barbara. whee!! and awwwww!!

~~commercial break~~
wow, is there anything in people’s vocabulary that doesn’t require taking the Lord’s name in vain? apparently not much.
~~

btw, i’m thinking the signal that was sent over the unsecured line… perhaps not just the Germans being stupid. sure reeks of something bigger to me…

dinner in Paris. * fawn *