my run-in with the TSA . . . OR . . . Frank J tried to make me a criminal
a phone conversation between one Frank J and one SarahK this afternoon:
FRANK J: hello.
SARAHK: i have good news and bad news.
FRANK J: um…. start with the good news.
SARAHK: the good news is that i didn’t get arrested.
FRANK J [confused voice]: ok….
SARAHK: the bad news is, i missed my flight, and i had to find out what my Christmas present is.
~~ cue Scooby-Doo mystery music ~~
running very late
i flew to Florida last night for a one-day trip. this is the last time Mr. Wonderful Dummy and i will see each other until January, so we exchanged Christmas gifts while i was there. by exchange Christmas gifts, i mean that he gave me mine and ordered me to wait until Christmas Day to open it, and because his gift is one that he needs to choose himself, i gave him a card and drew a comic to tell him what his gift is. he’ll pick it out (with my strong Texan guidance) when he comes to Texas in January.
Frank had put my gift and card in a gift bag, and i packed them in my suitcase this morning. of course, i was hoping with all hope (since it’s so important to him that i wait) that i would be able to resist the urge to open the gift for the next five days, though i imagined myself caving somewhere around Tuesday night. to increase the suspense factor, Frank has been telling me for two days that he hopes i don’t hate his gift. he says it’s not the traditional romantic guy-to-girl gift and that both of his parents had been unsure about it and had suggested he give me jewelry along with it. so he expected me to wait until Saturday with all of the build-down? right. but i was going to try.
i had rented a car in Orlando and driven to his house last night, so this afternoon, we said goodbye at Barnes and Noble, and i headed to the airport. i was running extremely late. now, the nice thing about flying AA out of Orlando is that people going to or through DFW have their very own ticket counter at the end of the ticketing center; i was thankful for this today in particular, because the lines for check-in were packed. however, when i arrived at the DFW ticket counter, there was a family of about 15 people, and they had about 27 bags to check, then one other man behind them. i had arrived at the airport about 30 minutes before my flight, so i was a bit unnerved when i saw the massive family unpacking and repacking their bags at the counter. ugh.
i knew i was cutting it extremely close when i jumped ahead and tried to do the self check-in, and the machine spat at me and told me i was too late to check in for my flight and to see the attendant. ok. the family was still packing their car seats and breastfeeding babies and whatnot; the nice man in front of me commented about the situation and about counting to ten backwards, and i mentioned that my flight was leaving in a half hour. he let me go ahead of him, so i finally got to the counter about 25 minutes before takeoff.
the ticketing agent told me there was no way i could get on this flight, because i had a bag to check. that’s ok, said i, my suitcase is small enough i can carry it on along with my backpack. she looked at my suitcase, handed me my boarding passes and sent me to the gate. “get there as fast as you can, i’ll call ahead and tell them you’re coming. if you’re lucky, you’ll get there before they close the airplane doors.” it was the most i could ask, so i thanked her and hauled booty to the security checkpoint.
we have to examine your suitcase
i was terribly disorganized, was wearing one jacket and had another strapped to my trusty Kelty daypack; the computer was inside the daypack, and i was wearing big, clunky teenager boots. oh, and a belt loaded with metal. i got through the first checkpoint and started running again to get to the bag/shoe/me screeners. a crowd of people behind me started yelling something about a chaqueta, and i turned around to find that my jacket had fallen off the daypack; i was beginning to weary and starting to wonder if i’d make my flight. the eternal optimist, i still held out hope, though my flight would leave in 15 minutes. ::rolls eyes at self::
i have a sore throat and a severe lack of exercise of late, so by this time, my lungs were on fire, my abs were burning and my throat felt as if i were eating sandpaper. yet i trudged quickly (can you trudge quickly?) to lane 2 of the screeners and took everything off. jacket, jacket, belt, boots, computer out of bag, daypack, suitcase, purse, go go go! i can make it!
i passed through and waited for my bags. everything came except my suitcase. i wasn’t worried, as i had plenty to keep me busy, redressing and loading the pack and whatnot. finally, one of the screening ladies looked my way and said, “we’re going to need to go through your suitcase.” “ok, no problem,” said Frank J’s unsuspecting girlfriend. i can still make it, i know i can. “there’s something in your bag, and we can’t tell what it is.” i, unaware that i was party to any wrongdoing, shrugged and repeated myself. “ok, go ahead.”
Rummage Lady brought my suitcase to the end of the aisle, opened it and started rummaging. everything behind me stopped. no one’s bags were x-rayed, no one was walking through the people checker, all was still. if she doesn’t hurry up, i might not make it. duh. the TSA lady first took out the pretty gift bag that Frank’s gift was in and set it aside. she pawed through the main compartment, then the side pocket, all the outer pockets. she shrugged and looked at the woman behind the x-ray machine. “i don’t see it.” X-ray Lady said, “it’s about this big,” and held her thumb and forefinger 4 inches apart. wha?? what are they looking for? what’s in my bag that’s approximately 4 inches long? i tried to help, which is a big no no, as you’re not allowed to touch your stuff when they’re touching your stuff. she held up various items to X-ray Lady as she rummaged: boots, curling iron, brush, nothing was the right size. i was worthless, as i didn’t even know what shape this item would be, so i was of no help. another agent came over, and Rummage Lady showed him what all was in my suitcase and that nothing matched the item they’d spotted with the machine. i remembered Frank’s present and said, “maybe it’s whatever is in that bag. i have no idea what’s in there.”
it’s bad, ma’am, but you’re not going to be arrested
Rummage Lady looked at me wide-eyed. “you don’t know what’s in there?” what. in. the world. “no, it’s a Christmas present from my boyfriend and i promised i wouldn’t open it before Christmas. it’s nothing bad, though, i’m sure!” Rummage Lady said, “well, i’m going to have to open it.” i said, “that’s fine, just don’t tell me what it is!” she agreed, and i looked away, down toward X-ray Lady. oh my. they have stopped down security. no one is moving through this lane. these people must hate me. what are they looking for? i noticed Rummage Lady walking toward X-ray Lady with the gift bag. no. he. didn’t.
Rummage Lady showed X-ray Lady what was in the bag, all the while careful to conceal it from me, which i thought was very nice. there was a commotion, as X-ray Lady and Rummage Lady looked completely baffled. they whispered many words to each other, looking in shock back toward me. i’m going to jail. then i’m going to kill Frank J. Rummage Lady took the bag to a center area where there were many Feds. oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my goodness, they are so going to arrest me! this is going to be great blogfodder! suddenly there were 5 or 6 TSA agents standing near me, and Trying Not to Laugh Man was standing in front of me. “ma’am, we’re going to have to send all of your items back through the x-ray machine. you need to take everything off again.” i don’t think i’m making my flight. i wonder if they have Wi-Fi in jail.
i disrobed once more, stunned and a bit terrified, and i noticed again all the people not passing through security, all eyes on me. that didn’t even bother me, as i was too busy trying to figure out what Frank had done. i looked at Trying Not to Laugh Man. “what’s wrong? what’s in the bag? no, don’t tell me! it’s supposed to be a surprise. but is it bad?”
“ma’am, it’s bad. you cannot take it on the airplane with you. you can take it, but you’ll have to check it.” huh? “uh, ok, i guess i’m gonna have to know what it is.” “yes, ma’am, you’ll have to know what it is, because the cops are going to come. it’s ok, though, you’re not going to be arrested.” !!! dead! Frank! dead! !!! “ma’am, it’s a part to a gun.”
my hands shot to my face, tears exploded from my eyes, and i started laughing that high-pitched nervous laugh that i learned from my best friend Sa. “OH MY GOODNESS! YOU ARE KIDDING ME! I’M SO SORRY! I HAD NO IDEA!” Trying Not to Laugh Man and Rummage Lady suppressed smiles and nodded in comfort. i processed information. “i can’t believe this, you know, he thought i was checking my suitcase through, and the only reason i didn’t is that i was so late for my flight!” also Frank’s fault. BAD boyfriend, BAD!! Trying Not to Laugh Man nodded and told me it would be okay, but i was going to be escorted from security. then i came to another realization. “hey, that means i’m getting a gun for Christmas! that’s awesome!!” they were amused by my excitement.
another TSA agent walked by. “what’s in the bag?” Trying Not to Laugh Man said, “it’s a clip for a gun.” actually, it’s a magazine. me? more crying and laughing and furiously wiping my eyes and short bursts of “i’m so sorry!” and “i’m so sorry i’m laughing!” and “hahahahahahaha!” and “this is hilarious!” and “this is so embarrassing!”
people chuckled as i was escorted away. thankfully, no handcuffs. Trying Not to Laugh Man took my suitcase and led me out of security. we passed a couple of Feds on the way out.
“what’s going on? what’s in the bag?” please don’t let him say ‘clip’ again. i said, “it’s a magazine.” they teased me, “National Enquirer? People?”
“i’m thinkin’ more like nine millimeter.”
i was right.
~~ cue Scooby-Doo mystery music ~~
i get more stuff
FRANK J: i’m soooooooorrry. i guess i shoulda told ya what it was.
SARAHK: hahahahahaha. ya THINK? come to the airport, you’re buying me lunch.
FRANK J: i feel like i should get you something else to make up for this.
SARAHK: no way! i want the gun!
FRANK J: i mean in addition to the gun. what kind of jewelry do you like?
SARAHK: i’ll send you a list.
the aftermath
and the evil fake sarahk’s illustration of the event
Oh my goodness!!!! Hahahahahahahaha!! That’ll be a great story to tell the grandki…..never mind. So is that carte blanche on the jewelry??? Hmmmmmmmm……??? Pearls are always nice (diamonds are nicer but I’m trying no to be too pushy here!). Yes, the man owes you big time!!!!
December 19th, 2004 at 9:59 pmbwwaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!
December 19th, 2004 at 10:14 pmbest. airport. story. ever.
ROFL! Planning for contingencies is an engineering thing, oops. Planning around women adds more to the web, I mean flow chart (no offence). Enjoy your extra gift and let this be a lesson to us men…
December 19th, 2004 at 10:46 pmFed Ex is good and takes some of the temptation to open the package too early.
Jewelry, too? I knew it….the engagement ring is coming!!!!
December 19th, 2004 at 11:05 pm[holding my sides]
That is the most fitting First Christmas Present story I ever heard. It couldn’t have been anything else, really. You two just kill me, honestly.
Hey, though, at least they caught it. The stories we’re hearing lately, stuff like that seems to walk right through security.
[snicker] Now they’re gonna add “cute blonde t-shirt babes” to the list of suspect profiles. heh
December 19th, 2004 at 11:24 pmThis is really really funny!!!
December 19th, 2004 at 11:24 pmI just wrote one about my little trip through security but it was NOTHING compared to this!! I have an expired drivers license that put me in the “bad, bad passenger line” which did take forever and got searched over and over because I beep alot. Uh, not personally, I just have some metal pins in my ankle and an underwire bra. So the TSA guy started looking like a hawk with a rabbit in his sites and they searched, again, thru everything. Then he looked at me very very intently when he said “what is your name?” I blurted out my name and got my boarding pass, then realized he had been waiting to see if I would hesitate over my name. For pete’s sake.
Go for the expensive gem of your choice. A sapphire might be nice! ;-)
*gasp, gasp, gasp*! Owowowowow my sides really hurt!
Oh, sarahk, it’s no fun being LATE for a flight (I’m always 2 hours - minimum - early, that’s how much I hate it), and going through all that with TSA must have been a major pain!
Fortunately, the last couple of times I’ve been through Orlando, TSA has been quite pleasant…
But FRANK! Frank had better get you a rock for a ring! Big rock. Huge.
Bad Frank! No cookie! LOLOLOLOLOL
December 19th, 2004 at 11:26 pmWell, if Frank was thinking (based on earlier discussion) that you planned to check the bag, I sorta kinda understand his Christmas surprise, and it’s a nice one.
If on the other hand he didn’t have any idea what you were going to do with the bags, then he might not have thought this through very carefully, and I’m sure he feels badly about it.
Either way, you are golden. You’re gettin a new firearm for Christmas AND some additional bling bling because of the unintended consequences.
VERY funny story. I travel a lot and I couldn’t share anything that good.
And Merry Christmas to both of you, and to all of your readers! God bless us, every one!
December 19th, 2004 at 11:55 pmLOVE MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY, “YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.”
December 20th, 2004 at 12:17 amAny story of romance that includes the line, “The police will have to be called, but you won’t be arrested,” is one you don’t want to miss. The fact that it’s by The T-Shirt Babe is icing on the cake….
Oh yeah, you own him now! Just remember to read the warranty first…
December 20th, 2004 at 4:42 amMy Gift to SarahK Was So Great, All the Police Wanted to See
December 20th, 2004 at 5:51 amI gave SarahK a present to take home with her with the instruction not to open it until Christmas. Long…
LOL!
December 20th, 2004 at 5:54 amWhat an adventure!
LOVE MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY, “YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.â€
good one.
In my defense, a Walther P99 is a really great gift :)
December 20th, 2004 at 7:44 amAirport Security at It’s Finest
December 20th, 2004 at 7:50 amBased on a true story: (NOTE: I used a technique to try and make the comic darker. I hope it’s…
i agree, a walther p99 is an awesome gift. i’m quite happy about the gift.
December 20th, 2004 at 8:39 amCatching my eye: morning A through Z
December 20th, 2004 at 9:47 amQuite a few of my favorite bloggers are on holiday hiatus. Here’s what’s caught my eye this morning: Gerard Vanderleun of American Digest shows us how to crochet the Lorenz manifold. The Becker-Posner Blog’s topic for this week is global…
This is a way better story than “I finally got on my plane, whew, and couldn’t help but look in the gift bag and lo and behold it was Frank’s new CD……”
December 20th, 2004 at 9:53 amOh what a great story! So funny, I wonder what will happen next, I can’t wait to find out.
December 20th, 2004 at 10:14 amThey got freaked out over a magazine? It’s a hunk of metal, completely inert. I could understand a barrel (if you got amm on you might be able to make a zip-gun) but a magazine?
I could understand searching the bag upon seeing a 4″ hunk of metal (might be a pocket knife — wooooo — scarey!) but upon seeing it’s a magazine… I dunno.
So, can I bring a gun SPRING onto a plane? It’s about as dangerous.
December 20th, 2004 at 10:55 amSara(h) Travails
December 20th, 2004 at 10:55 amLocal friend Sara (without an H) had her wallet, credit cards and house keys stolen. Fortunately, she caught it right away so no one had a chance to do any…
Uh, Frank? That’s a really good gift.
If Sarah gets sent to the pokey, you can date me.
Well, after the surgery. Unless you want to try Massachusetts.
December 20th, 2004 at 11:04 amhah!
That’ll teach you to …
December 20th, 2004 at 11:17 amto..
to.. uhh..fly commerical, won’t it?
SarahK,i never was too keen to the idea of [Spidade can’t keep secrets!],but now it seems FrankJ is trying to move you to Guantanamo Bay,Cuba or Leavenworth,Kansas.i’m just not sure about this relationship.
December 20th, 2004 at 12:03 pmspidade,
Honestly, it was all her fault. Only through my quick thinking was she saved.
Yeah, that’s the ticket…
December 20th, 2004 at 12:14 pmoh. oh man. oh good heavens.
December 20th, 2004 at 1:24 pm*wheeze*
that was SO FUNNY.
i used to say “how come this stuff always happens to me?” but now i can at least say “how come this stuff always happens to you?”
by-the-by, after i dried the helpless tears of laughter, i turned to watson and narrowed my eyes and said “guess. what frank. got sarah. for Christmas” in that “you better pony up or you are in trouble” sort of way.
Funny, I made it through DFW with a Glock 22 hicap mag in my backpack. Twice.
December 20th, 2004 at 1:26 pmBWAH! Glad you survived the extra time with Frank. :)
December 20th, 2004 at 1:47 pmLOL!!! Just think of it this way; you are getting
December 20th, 2004 at 2:23 pmthe gift you wanted, you got a great blog out of it, and you’ve got something to hold over Franks head for a long, long time!
Uhhh, so is Spidade letting the cat out of the bag, or is he just borrowing trouble over a move to sunny Florida?
December 20th, 2004 at 2:29 pmStuff
I suppose some explanation is in order as to the dearth of posting for a month.
It’s funny how when things are going well, one has the privilege of focusing on the macro and how quickly a person can be forced to re-focus his or her energies.
Lif…
December 20th, 2004 at 2:58 pmYou’ll Get My Full-Capacity Magazine when You Hit the Magazine Release Switch
December 20th, 2004 at 3:13 pmGot this from the NRA: ALERT ! “Assault Weapons” & Magazine Ban filed by Florida Senator DATE: December 20, 2004…
Love & Guns
December 20th, 2004 at 3:58 pmThis is the funniest thing I’ve read all day. Also via them Columbia Libertarians….
…and the #1 sign that you might be a blogaholic:
“oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my goodness, they are so going to arrest me! this is going to be great blogfodder!”
(Those would have been Federal charges you know!)
:D
December 20th, 2004 at 3:58 pmCheck out my blog for more pro-gun ammunition as it relates to the proposed Florida gun ban. This is one battle that will not go away.
December 20th, 2004 at 4:27 pmHeh. At least Deb and I never did anything like that to each other. I just knocked her up the second we were married, and gave her morning sickness to ride across the country with. And made her move where it’s cold and snows.
I think it’s so cool that you two got together similar to the way we did.
December 20th, 2004 at 4:45 pmWell, if there was ever any doubt, it is now clear that you two were made for each other.
December 20th, 2004 at 4:48 pmInteresting! I also enjoyed reading through all the comments. Never a dull moment, eh? :-)
December 20th, 2004 at 5:04 pmThat’s not a knife…
December 20th, 2004 at 5:43 pm…well, actually, yes it IS a knife officer. Sarah K relates her enounter with airport security in Florida after her boyfriend, Frank J of IMAO, gave her a super-secret-surprise Christmas gift and told her not to open it until Christmas….
I’m sorry, honey, but this was just too funny NOT to link to. I’m putting it up at my place tonight. Y’all crack me up!
December 20th, 2004 at 8:28 pmThat is the funniest travel story I’ve ever heard. That will be a great memory for a long, long time.
December 20th, 2004 at 10:07 pmAbraham Linkin’ #2
Let me first start by saying, you wouldn’t believe how many people I get visiting this site after searching for: Abraham Linkin The President. It cracks me up every time.
George W. Bush is named Time Magazine’s Man of the Year. I guess 60 Mill…
December 20th, 2004 at 10:37 pmWell at least it wasn’t nail clippers. Then you would really be bloggin W/ Martha Stewart.
December 20th, 2004 at 11:15 pmExcellent story. :)
I’ve nearly got into trouble several times by realizing when I got within 20 feet or so of a metal detector that I was carrying something that I was NOT going to get through the metal detector with.
I’ve also accidentally crossed the US border (heading out) with a loaded .45 in my glove compartment.
I hate when that happens.
December 20th, 2004 at 11:30 pmWhere you wearing the Nuke the Moon shirt during all of this?
December 21st, 2004 at 1:27 amA dangerous present
December 21st, 2004 at 3:50 amSilent Running alerted me to this story of love and presents between two blogs, and airport security. It is hilarious. First some background. Frank runs IMAO, a humourous right wing blog in the US. A few months ago he ran…
GUNNING FOR BLOGGERS
December 21st, 2004 at 8:31 amTwo true stories about bloggers and guns to share with you… One from the cutest new couple in the blogosphere, SarahK and Frank J. And another not-so-amusing incident involving Jason who blogs at Fish or Man. His wife has updated…
His and Hers, But She’s Going to Jail
Let me tell you of a story about a man named Frank;
he almost got his girl arrested, he’s going to get a spank.
Then one day he was looking so cool,
and then the next he was looking like a fool.
Time, that is. Incarceration. Camp Cupcake.
…
December 21st, 2004 at 9:22 amJust what did they think you were going to do with a “clip”. Throw it at the pilot???!!! Of course, they confiscate 3 inch nose hair scissors with a 1/4 inch blade, so what do we expect.
December 21st, 2004 at 1:14 pm[…] into my head. Ew. Found these his & hers blogs this morning; apparently Frank gave SarahK a Christmas present that almost landed her in jail and on the terrorism watch list. Amusin […]
December 21st, 2004 at 3:21 pmGoing Overboard
December 21st, 2004 at 6:53 pmI know that pro-gun groups are used to assuming the worst. However, this “Alert - Immediate Action Needed” from the U.S. Sportsmen’s Alliance REALLY irked me. They are unhappy because the Million Dozen Crazy Moms are an Amazon.com affiliate. They…
[…] Those of you lucky enough to have a gun love’n girl might want to read this humourous cautionary tale before giving her a gun these holidays… especially if she nee […]
December 21st, 2004 at 8:38 pmHmmm, “The Cautionary Tale of the Gift of the FrankJ?”
December 22nd, 2004 at 9:05 amthis is AWESOME.
If I were running the show, I would make it mandatory that every passenger carry’s a peace tool on flights. Lets see a terrorist dog try to make a move then. heh.
December 24th, 2004 at 5:20 amWhen Boyfriends Attack
December 28th, 2004 at 5:58 pmAh, long-distance dating. The Joyous Hellos. The Sad Sad Goodbyes. The Armaments as Christmas Presents not Quite Making it Through Airport Security: Rummage Lady showed X-ray Lady what was in the bag, all the while careful to conceal it…
[…] ) for the entire game. and i’d just finished telling Tarina’s brother about my airport fiasco, and this nice security guard came down to where i was sitting. GUARD: um, young […]
December 30th, 2004 at 2:04 pmAt the request of EvilFakeSarahK
June 19th, 2005 at 5:00 pmIf you haven’t read the Great American Airport Story™ yet, you haven’t lived. Go. Read now. Make sure you read the sequel too. (I promise, original content is coming soon…) P.S. What the Sam Hill happened to my blogroll? UPDATE,…
[…] Mary Katherine Ham has decided that our trip to Greece with John Hawkins and Megan McArdle would be one for good company if i don’t let Frank J. pack my suitcase… […]
November 20th, 2005 at 11:13 am[…] they need to check every person’s carry-on at the check-in counter. liquid in your carry-on? put it in your checked luggage right now. if you have carry-on luggage only, and you try to carry on liquid stuff, you’re under suspicion. maybe your meds just make you stupid. maybe your boyfriend gave you a Christmas or Ramadan present and you don’t know what he gave you because you haven’t opened it yet, once you’ve been cleared of suspicion, you miss your flight. period. you’re sent back through security, you have to toss your stuff or take it to your car or mail it to yourself or whatever you need to do. if you’re not cleared of suspicion, or if you’re deemed to be here illegally—meaning you’re an illegal alien, whether on an expired student visa or you jumped a fence or crawled through a ditch—you’re arrested and actually prosecuted. if you’re here illegally, you go home or go to our secret prisons forever. […]
August 10th, 2006 at 4:59 pm